Suckling at my teets like a Louse (757 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.14 on 29 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by LittleBint (View user info) at 2008-05-15 11:47:24 EDT
I like penis; and the balls too, I like them a lot. That's not to say that I don't like the rest of the male form, I do, but penis that's where it's at, some say it's because I miss mine but they are just taking the piss out of me. The following which I am about to unfold is a story about penis: the only penis I could find on the night in question that was willing to go near my diseased body.
It would be fair to say that most of the sex I have had has come from drunken fumblings in alley ways or cemeteries after one to many Bacardi breezers in a pub or club. That isn't to say that I haven't done it with sober blokes, but they are easier to convince when they are 3 sheets to the wind and unable to see me properly. There is something so romantic about raw animal sex with drunken losers.
The night in question, a good few year's back now, was one of those nights when myself and my girlfriends, Mandy and Britney, decided to go get wasted and fuck whoever we could find. We started off having a couple of bottles of Lambrini and a few vodka red bulls, pints of course.
For those not in the know, a Vodka Redbull is made up of Vodka, cheaper the better, and Redbull, sickly caffeine drink, mixed in a glass not a small one either no point drinking if you aren't drinking in pints I always say. After that we all went down to the local for a few games of pool and more drinking, normally the blokes are well pissed so we get drinks bought for us, probably because Britney likes giving hand jobs in the hall on the way to the bog.
Mandy and I were playing pool when this dishevelled creature staggered up to the table and took 4 attempts to place a 50 pence on the side. When he had managed to do it he looked up at me and said
"Blah Bluerggg winner. Yarggg?"
Which I knew meant
"I want to play the winner and do unspeakable rude things out the back in your shit hole."
I won of course because Mandy only know how to play with one type of cue. So up comes skanky and he starts drooling on the table and generally taking ages to pot anything. He tried flirting, I think. I eventually let him beat me and he offered to buy me a drink. I offered him an E and he replied that he would have half. Fuck I nearly broke me dentures biting that thing in half. I decided that I would pass it to him with a gob of my saliva so I grabbed him and gave him a snog. He looked like he was in heaven; surprisingly he didn't taste as bad as he looked.
We went to our seats and he staggered behind, I know he was looking at my arse but id dint mind I was wearing my white linen trousers with a yellow thong underneath and I knew he would be too fucked to see the true size of it. Chirst I was sweating that day I had it running between my tits like Niagra bloody falls, fat girls sweat take my word for it we don't like the sun much. He sat there and stared at me for ages, I thought he had passed out, and then he suddenly gasped and said
"UCK ma! Ouse air GorgeArse!"
I smiled as I knew I had him then. I told him about my life only to try and sober him up a little bit before he took me out the alley. It was odd that he wanted to talk so much; most blokes would have had me bent over the dustbins by now I started to think that he might be gay. I told him about my wee bairn, Connor, and about how I didn't know who the father was due to my rampant slagdom. I also told him about the various STI's I had but he seemed not to hear.
Pretty soon he was snogging me and groping my tits like a man possessed. Now I'm a classy bird and decided it was time to get outside if he was going to do that. I walked outside and started to pull down my trousers when he said he had a flat. Well 'Laa de Daa' I thought but decided I'd have a look; after all it would save the sore on my back opening up again to be fucked on a mattress.
We got to his flat and it stank to high heaven, but it was a little better that the alley at the back of the club. The place was an absolute shit hole with super strength lager cans everywhere and piles of soiled clothes. He led me through to his bedroom and I was seriously dreading what I would see. Strangely enough it was relatively clean, only a few dried up wads of toilet roll and dirty socks.
I got on the bed and quickly got my kit off. He looked at my breasts again and was like a man possessed. He fondled them and sucked on the, maybe I shouldn't have told him I was still lactating. Christ you would have thought that he hadn't eaten for a week the way he sucked on the things and it was starting to get a bit weird. I was starting to think that he would get into a big nappy any minute and ask me to clean him. I told him I wanted something else and he, reluctantly changed positions and gave my fanny a licking, again like he hadn't eaten for a week. I occupied myself by sucking on his flaccid penis. Not exactly bliss.
The sex, sadly, was pretty average; he kept trying to change positions blaming them rather than the booze. He had this full length mirror and every now and again I would look into it to see him struggling away at me and posing to himself in it. He kept going for my tits too. After a few moments he grunted and I gave a half hearted moan to make him feel better. He then rolled over and went to sleep, snoring like a bastard. I tried to sleep too as I couldn't be bothered to walk home.
In the morning he tried to mount me again. Again he milked me like a cow maid. I decided to leave him some in his fridge before I left so I pumped some into some Special Brew Cans I found lying around.
A few days later the blood tests I had been waiting for came through and told me I had AIDS.
User Reviews
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-05-20 20:54:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Email me some pictures of your hole...then, the rest of the Uber losers don't have to see.
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2008-05-16 04:49:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Thank you Littlbint.
You are certainly the most interesting new user here on Uber. Been a while since your kind frequented this place. Like a sick, funny diamond in a rough of cocksucking losers.
Submitted by Littlebint (user info) at 2008-05-16 03:42:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-05-15 12:22:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Are you at least semi-cute?
...because Shlongy likes your style. And that doesn't heppen often around this shithole.
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I like to think so. and thank you.
Submitted by bjrog2 (user info) at 2008-05-15 20:03:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I wanted more and more to throw up whilst reading that
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-05-15 14:41:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
much better than hers
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2008-05-15 14:06:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
heh
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-05-15 13:17:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2008-05-15 10:56:51 CDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I fear your story is far closer to the truth than his.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-05-15 12:37:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-05-15 17:33:46 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-05-15 12:16:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Could have been so much better.
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I'm not sure how.
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I am a man. What do I know?
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-05-15 12:33:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-05-15 12:16:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
uld have been so much better.
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I'm not sure how.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-05-15 12:22:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Are you at least semi-cute?
...because Shlongy likes your style. And that doesn't heppen often around this shithole.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-05-15 12:22:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I love Peaches.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2008-05-15 12:18:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2008-05-15 12:18:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2008-05-15 12:02:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Also, your title has allowed Peaches' 'Sucking on my Titties' to replace Rhinestone Cowboy as covered by The Hoff as the song that's stuck in my head.
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fuuuuck now it's stuck in my head too
goddamn it Peaches
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Heh heh.
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2008-05-15 12:18:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2008-05-15 12:02:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Also, your title has allowed Peaches' 'Sucking on my Titties' to replace Rhinestone Cowboy as covered by The Hoff as the song that's stuck in my head.
--
fuuuuck now it's stuck in my head too
goddamn it Peaches
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-05-15 12:17:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This could have been so much better.
i have no idea what happened to the rest of my review earlier.
Submitted by Linus (user info) at 2008-05-15 12:16:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Would have been better if you omitted the cliche sexual diseases.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-05-15 12:16:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
uld have been so much better.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-05-15 12:13:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
My god how could I compete with your creativity, I thought I would stick with your classic stuff, so that people knew it was all related to you.
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Elements of this have totally been embellished.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-05-15 12:09:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Littlebint is just the cats pajamas.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2008-05-15 12:02:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Also, your title has allowed Peaches' 'Sucking on my Titties' to replace Rhinestone Cowboy as covered by The Hoff as the song that's stuck in my head.
So thanks for that. Really.
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2008-05-15 12:01:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent. Far better than the original.
"Now I'm a classy bird and decided it was time to get outside if he was going to do that. I walked outside and started to pull down my trousers when he said he had a flat. Well 'Laa de Daa' I thought but decided I'd have a look; after all it would save the sore on my back opening up again to be fucked on a mattress."
"Christ you would have thought that he hadn't eaten for a week the way he sucked on the things and it was starting to get a bit weird. I was starting to think that he would get into a big nappy any minute and ask me to clean him."
That's just what I was thinking.
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2008-05-15 11:59:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I read way to far into it before I figured out what was going on.
funny and probably closer to the truth than the first post.
Submitted by Littlebint (user info) at 2008-05-15 11:58:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-05-15 11:53:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
A solid 'Meh'. It would have been cooler if you'd completely re-written it, rather than just changing words.
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My god how could I compete with your creativity, I thought I would stick with your classic stuff, so that people knew it was all related to you.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-05-15 11:58:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-05-15 11:57:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I've not got my test back yet, so I could still be in the clear.
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2008-05-15 11:56:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I fear your story is far closer to the truth than his.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2008-05-15 11:56:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Yeah, could've been better but it's still good to know that HBTS has AIDS.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-05-15 11:53:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
A solid 'Meh'. It would have been cooler if you'd completely re-written it, rather than just changing words.
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2008-05-15 11:50:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/116741#2711837
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Great!
I'm glad someone with the inclination did this. And I think it worked too.
Submitted by Littlebint (user info) at 2008-05-15 11:48:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I miss him so: http://www.ubersite.com/m/116741
I just never had the heart to tell him face to face