TrUbersex 08: Calls Calls Calls, Calls From the Pubic (879 hits)
Category: Politics -> AfghanistanRating: 1.35 on 36 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Orgasmatron (View user info) at 2008-05-15 17:15:46 EDT
Well hell I forgot that I have to leave early today so instead of the poetic production I was planning on writing at the end of the day you have to settle for a bullshit 10 minute prose version of my story. Maybe it'll be better this way since it'll be quick and disappoining, like sex with an Englishman, instead of long, artistic and disappointing, like sex with an Russian. Oh who am I kidding, it'll probably suck. Like sex with an Englishman. Whatever, it's your own fault for reading it.
So there I was...back in college, sexing it up with the woman who would later become my ex-wife. It was the late afternoon and no one else was home and she was riding me like I was Secretariat or War General. War Admiral, whatever. Like I give a shit about horseracing. REGARDLESS, she was perched atop my mighty dick steed and saddled up like Tonto running away from a wagon full of smallpox blankets. Suddenly, the phone rang. From her superior position she saw the caller ID and it informed us that the Fraternal Order of Police was calling. We thought it'd be funny to field a call while very much In The Act, so I told her to keep quiet and picked up the phone. I got the whole spiel about officers and their families and would I like to donate and blah blah blah. All due respect to the drive, but I'm a college student man I don't have money for shit and my favorite charity is me so stfu, you know? I do my best to keep it civil and carry on a nice conversation while she slowly keeps up the grinding and works my hangdown like a cement mixer. She had wide hips so believe me, that comparison's accurate.
I hear all about the Gold Level, and refuse that, and then hear all about the Silver Level of donation, and while I'm listening to all this I'm really trying not to laugh and to succumb to what she's doing. I'm thinking about dead birds, about my dead grandmother watching me screw from her little corner of heaven, angel wings on her back and a halo over the the hair-bun she doubtless wore, and I've got this guy reading from a script about how yes, times are tough or yes, people give to other charities or churches and at this point she's rocking her hips back and forth like she's got some sort of muscle-twitch disorder. Despite my best effort to think about sexing up some unfortunate woman with that sort of condition, I knew that it was About Time and realized that I'd better wrap it up with this guy so I could focus on Bringing It All Home. Aaaaaand too late. She dropped the hammer, grabbed me by the shoulders and worked me like a slave owner, and I didn't get off the phone before, um, getting off. God what a stupid line. Anyway, I came, loudly and against my will, right into the poor FOP Phoneman and I'm sure I sounded 10x as stupid as I recall. I apologized, hung up the phone, and was left wondering if it was really her that caused me to pop off or the late-minute thought of a muscle-twitch-condition girl. Or maybe it was my dead grandmother after all. I have problems, ok. I can admit it. Can you?
I have no picture to share. I'm as disappointed as you are.
User Reviews
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-05-27 15:40:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this was great
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2008-05-20 16:53:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I don't know if I'd go so far as to say I'm fancy. Certainly those with more developed and refined tastes will find me satisfying, yet I would hesitate it to qualify it with such a word. I think it's because it's the first half of a cat food brand, really. That might explain my lifelong disappointment with the word 'fancy' right there. It's the cats you see. Their ALPO-smelling wet food bricks and bared assholes padding through the house. Why we domesticated cats and not buffalo, or tapirs, I'll never know. If that decision isn't enough evidence of The Fall I don't know what is.
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2008-05-20 15:51:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i just think you're so fancy.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-05-20 09:45:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Freak.
Submitted by PukingDog (user info) at 2008-05-20 05:30:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2008-05-19 22:39:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/116824
Submitted by TracyIsland (user info) at 2008-05-19 10:20:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2008-05-16 11:59:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-05-16 11:39:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
awww.
I hate people who pick up the phone during sex, potty time, dirty movie time, or any other private time. I also hate when I'm having a serious phone conversation and the significant other takes a crotch dive.
Just wait five minutes? CAN YOU JUST WAIT FIVE MINUTES UNTIL I'M OFF THE PHONE???
It's really not that cute.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-05-16 11:01:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Needs more pentameter.
Submitted by lostnphound (user info) at 2008-05-16 10:46:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2008-05-16 10:40:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
It means 17:15 Eastern Dickin' Time.
---
Nice. Well, obviously you were on time with this and I was just too gassed last night to figure that correctly. Sorry!
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2008-05-16 10:40:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
It means 17:15 Eastern Dickin' Time.
Submitted by lostnphound (user info) at 2008-05-16 10:38:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
These time stamps are confusing me and I saw 17:15 EDT and thought that meant it came after midnight...sheesh!
My bad.
Submitted by lostnphound (user info) at 2008-05-16 10:32:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2008-05-16 10:21:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by lostnphound (user info) at 2008-05-16 02:45:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Late, but I'll take it.
---
Is it? Did you mean midnight as 12:00AM Thursday or 12:00 Friday?
I try to avoid the whole 'midnight' thing because people can take it one of two ways.
---
Sorry, I meant 12:00am Thursday 5/15. My apologies for the confusion. The whole midnight thing does make things confusing.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2008-05-16 10:21:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by lostnphound (user info) at 2008-05-16 02:45:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Late, but I'll take it.
---
Is it? Did you mean midnight as 12:00AM Thursday or 12:00 Friday?
I try to avoid the whole 'midnight' thing because people can take it one of two ways.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2008-05-16 10:19:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
A year or so later I called up a friend of mine and after a few seconds on the phone I thought that something sounded off on the other end of the line. When I asked him about it he confessed that he and his girlfriend were having sex and he didn't want to miss the call. Then he just kept going at it and acted like nothing was strange, and had every intention of keeping up the conversation. I hung up. I'm sure it would have been justice to suffer some guy's o-roar, but wtf I'm not listening to all that.
Later he would attempt to show me some video footage of the two of them doing it, recorded from his webcam. I still don't know if he was just trying to show off or if he had some strange compulsion to have me observe his sexing.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-05-16 09:06:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
awsome. my girlfriend has devised a game that kinda goes like this. I'll answer the phone and she'll slowly start playing while I try to continue the conversation i started. she gets progressively more aggressive as the call goes on.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-05-16 06:11:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2008-05-16 04:38:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Stop, Hashmeer time.
Submitted by Littlebint (user info) at 2008-05-16 03:44:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
'll be quick and disappoining, like sex with an Englishman, instead of long, artistic and disappointing, like sex with an Russian. Oh who am I kidding, it'll probably suck. Like sex with an Englishman
--
You need to find better Englishmen to have sex with, it seems that your experience of them so far has been rather bad.
I could give you a few numbers of some mighty fine English Men, more that willing to show you some good sex.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2008-05-16 02:54:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
STOP...HAMMERTIMEEEE!!!!!!!!
Submitted by lostnphound (user info) at 2008-05-16 02:45:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Late, but I'll take it.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2008-05-15 21:18:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-05-15 21:01:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You should have hit her in the head with the receiver. Calls calls calls calls *whoopshhh!*
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-05-15 20:56:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
when is the posting deadline for this comp?
maybe i won't forfeit in this one after all.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-05-15 20:42:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Massive paragraphs.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-05-15 19:58:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HA
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-05-15 19:53:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You made sex sound as boring as poetry. How? Why? What the fuck?
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-05-15 19:22:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Hmmm...
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-05-15 18:56:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
tl;dr paragraphs and boring as fuck.
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-05-15 18:47:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TheGoat (user info) at 2008-05-15 18:20:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No, i'm not disappointed. Maybe i should seek out an Englishwoman for some sexytime, and report back on my levels of disappointment.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-05-15 17:57:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by AshyLarry (user info) at 2008-05-15 17:26:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sifl and Olly +2
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2008-05-15 17:19:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
funny.
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-05-15 17:17:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
sorry wrong number
FAGS ABOVE!