Knucklehead out robbing (644 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.83 on 47 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by LittleBint (View user info) at 2008-05-16 06:54:35 EDT
Jimmy and I had been hitting the Buckies since aboot 9 in the morning. I was well skulled and Jimmy wasn't looking all that fine neither. It was nearly 3pm and we had finished off the crate of Tennents Super and I decided it was aboot time we went ta werk.
I grabbed Jimmy by his thick 'eed and gave him a quick Glazzgee smacker to bring im roond. It did'na werk so I left him in a pile of his own pish and puke in the grave yard.
I staggered hame as best as I could and, after the 15th attempt, I managed to get ma key in tha door. I went into ma bedroom and picked up my werk clobber. Checking me'sel in the mirror I arranged ma Jimmy Hat, with obligatory red wig, and wiped some sick arf ma Stuart Pattern Kilt. Happy that I looked like every other Scotsman I went oot to werk.
It was'nee long before I foond tha hoose I was efta. It was a shitty wee council tenement in Govan, just next door to ma own.
Normally Jimmy would do tha lock but seeing as he was covered in pish and puke, and no doubts shit by now too, I had to Jimmy it me'sel. After trying to kick tha fooker in I tried tha handle; and if I didn't near shit me'sel when it opened, actually I lie of course I shit me'sel thank god I was wearing me kilt as it just fell on'ta the fookers Welcome Mat.
I went in and could'na find fook all ta rob. It looked like some other bastard had been in just before me. The place was trashed. Tinnies everywhere, pipes, tin foil and bags of shit in tha corners. The place looked worse than mine, and I live in shit I tells ya.
I had a scoot aroond and came up with nothin. Something nagged in tha back of ma 'eed though, and it didn't feel like ma normal fleas. Knowing how tight we scots bastards are I went into the bedroom and looked under tha pit of a bed. Hidden beneath all tha clumped up, yellowing, toilet roll I found a wee Scots Tartan tin. It was one of them wee Shortbread tins.
I grabbed it and tried to pry tha lid arf. Fooker was well rusted. When it finally came off I was hit by the stale musty smell of auld wank. The fooker had even wanked in a biscuit tin, dirty wee bastard. Inside was nothin but scabby auld pictures of some fat bird. There was even one with her baps hangin oot, well when I say one it was made up of 3 separate pictures due to tha size of her udders.
I put tha tin on tha bed and had a crap in it before returning tha lid and puttin it back under tha bed, hopefully learnin tha bastard that he was a cheap shit for havin naught worth nicking.
I left and got back in'ta me casuals before going back to tha park to get Jimmy. Fooker had only managed ta score some Diamond white the bastard.
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Key to made up Scottish Slang:
Buckies - AKA Buckfast Tonic Wine. Foul drink created by monks who find it easier to be pissed rather than accept reality. Strangely enough rather popular with Scottish wino's due to its cheapness and alcoholic volume.
Aboot - About
Tennents Super - Foul super strength Lager. Really is dogs piss, actually soda streamed dogs piss would be better.
Ta - Sometimes a form of thank you, but in this piece merely a way of saying 'to'.
Werk - Work, you know that thing we are all supposed to be doing right now.
'eed - Head
Glazzgee - Glasgow, North of London.
Glazzgee Smacker - Glaswegian Kiss, for all intents and purposes this is a head butt they are rather romantic that way.
Roond - Round.
did'na - Didn't
hame - Home, hovel.
Pish - Piss, sometimes uttered as a sound of frustration.
Tha - The.
Me'sel - Myself.
Arf - Off.
Ma - My
Oot - Out
Was'nee - Wasn't
Foond - Found.
Hoose - House.
Efta - After.
Govan - Where the posh people in Glasgow live, really they are the crème de la crème.
Auld - As in not all that young any more.
Jimmy Hat - Obligatory Tartan Beret that apparently all Scots have to show that they are indeed Scottish. Makes them easier to avoid I guess.
Kilt - Skirt like device made out of Tartan Cloth, again apparently all Scottish men have one, and don't tell anyone but rumour has it they don't wear underwear. So if you are into having a quick gander at some nice pale Scottish bums now you know.
User Reviews
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-05-20 21:06:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-05-16 10:38:58 CDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I reckon he's just got too much fucking money and he's disappeared up his own arse. People spaff all over him for Trainspotting but forget he's written utter shite like 'The Marabou Stork Nightmares' and 'The Bedroom Secrets of the Master Chefs'. Both of those were utter bollocks, so I suppose it's just as well that 'Glue' 'Filth' and 'Porno' are fucking amazing.
Filth was the best.
Ecstacy was good too.
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2008-05-20 20:35:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I enjoy these alternate POV pieces of yours. You should do one for this post:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/116837
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2008-05-19 22:38:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/116824
Submitted by Maddog (user info) at 2008-05-18 10:00:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Noo whan A want tae lauchin' A think o' tha scene
Whan a body roon cam o'er tae cleen
Boot cairted thamsel's richt up tae tha e'en
At tha muckin' o' Geordie's byre.
Wee Wullikie, The Rocher, and Wallie tha Doo,
The aul wife hersel' an' Teeny McCrew;
And naebody ele that coud haff aff tha plou.
At tha muckin' o' Geordie's byre.
Siccin a sotter was a' body in
Five mile awa ye could hear tha din
E'en tha verra cou had tae grin
At tha muckin' o' Geordie's byre
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2008-05-16 12:29:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-05-16 16:43:22 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
Trainspotting the novel is a lot different from the movie. Definitely worth a look.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-05-16 12:21:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A highly accurate portrait of the scottish character.
Submitted by Littlebint (user info) at 2008-05-16 11:59:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Will do. I'm finishing my day. Hooray!
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-05-16 11:58:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I wouldn't read it without having read Trainspotting & Glue first, for serious, you'll enjoy it more if you know about the characters.
Submitted by Littlebint (user info) at 2008-05-16 11:50:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
How do I know that I am going to buy Porno this weekend. I think it may be something about the name.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-05-16 11:48:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Ecstasy is more three novellas really. The first two are pretty poor, but the last one 'The Undefeated' is excellent and apparently going to be made into a film, though I haven't heard anything about that for ages. There is also talk of Porno being made into a film, but I read that Ewan McGregor doesn't want to be involved, which would make it a bit shit.
Submitted by Littlebint (user info) at 2008-05-16 11:46:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Cheers I shall give them a go. I dont like books of shorts stories either, I'm odd like that.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-05-16 11:44:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
The book of Trainspotting is a lot better than the film, though the film is amazing.
The thing about Welsh is that a lot his characters over-lap and pop up at various points in his books. If you want one that doesn't involve any of the characters from Trainspotting (beyond a brief mention), I'd say check out 'Filth' which is probably one of the most interesting from a moral perspective. Glue is also enjoyable, it deals with growing up in schemes in Scotland, and if you plan on reading Trainspotting then Porno, you should read Glue first.
Ecstasy is also a good read (three short stories about sex) and his other short story collection, The Acid House, has some real quality in it.
Avoid Marabou Stork Nightmares and Bedroom Secrets, both are guff. Apparently he's got a new short story collection out, but at £18 in hardback (last I checked) it's fucking pricey.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-05-16 11:43:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Trainspotting the novel is a lot different from the movie. Definitely worth a look.
Submitted by Littlebint (user info) at 2008-05-16 11:40:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I've never actually read any of his books. I dont know why, I've picked them up and just gone Meh really.
What is a good one to start with, other than trainspotting because I dont think I could deal with that after seeing the film so many times.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-05-16 11:38:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I reckon he's just got too much fucking money and he's disappeared up his own arse. People spaff all over him for Trainspotting but forget he's written utter shite like 'The Marabou Stork Nightmares' and 'The Bedroom Secrets of the Master Chefs'. Both of those were utter bollocks, so I suppose it's just as well that 'Glue' 'Filth' and 'Porno' are fucking amazing.
Submitted by Littlebint (user info) at 2008-05-16 11:36:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hahahahaha brilliant.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-05-16 11:35:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's what I thought, but it turns out he's a bit of a dull prick.
Must keep all the good stuff for his writing.
Submitted by Littlebint (user info) at 2008-05-16 11:34:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-05-16 11:33:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have been in the pub with Irvine Welsh before. He is incredibly into his drink and drugs.
--
I bet he would be fun to listen to.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-05-16 11:33:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have been in the pub with Irvine Welsh before. He is incredibly into his drink and drugs.
Submitted by Littlebint (user info) at 2008-05-16 11:30:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by woolfe (user info) at 2008-05-16 11:23:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-05-16 07:10:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Irvine Welsh you ain't.
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No Shit!
Are you really looking for him here woolfe? Because you are sure to be dissapointed hahaha
Submitted by woolfe (user info) at 2008-05-16 11:23:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-05-16 07:10:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Irvine Welsh you ain't.
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2008-05-16 11:02:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha ha. Scottie from Star Trek narrated in my head. I like how you find inspiration from this place.
Submitted by Littlebint (user info) at 2008-05-16 10:56:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-05-16 10:52:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I thought this pretty mediocre really. i'm bumping it to a +1 cause it DID distract me from work for a few minutes but really its a 0 to me.
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No probs. I would love to say that it was due to being rushed, but actually I thrive on my Mediocrity and it has served me well.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-05-16 10:52:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I thought this pretty mediocre really. i'm bumping it to a +1 cause it DID distract me from work for a few minutes but really its a 0 to me.
Submitted by Littlebint (user info) at 2008-05-16 08:00:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-05-16 07:47:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
You're not really very good at this. Oh well.
--
hahahahahaha
Oh good one! Yes I know I'm terrible. Everything that could have been said about you has been said little Hurt. All the insults under the sun have been sent your way.
Yet still you return to lay you wonders on posts.
It's amazing.
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2008-05-16 07:49:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The FBI and Department of Homeland Security are warning US law enforcement agencies to keep a sharp look-out for "a new type of terrorism" in which apparently-pregnant women suddenly go bang due to the fact they aren't really mums-to-be at all, but cold-hearted suicide bombers packing explosives inside a swelling prosthetic belly.
------------
The internet. Its the lolz.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-05-16 07:47:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
You're not really very good at this. Oh well.
Submitted by Littlebint (user info) at 2008-05-16 07:43:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Why would I seek to take the piss out the problems nature has thrown your way Hurt? I mean I dont need to its all there for everyone to see.
Imaginary girlfriends? Something you need to get off your chest?
And you bring up the gay thing, as I have said before Hurt it's no problem these days, it isnt like your family dont know or anything. Think how much release it will give you.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-05-16 07:42:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
(Shit, I forgot about my 'constant internet use'.)
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2008-05-16 07:41:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
(and his prosthetic hand)
Submitted by Littlebint (user info) at 2008-05-16 07:41:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-05-16 07:37:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Wow, how original. Seriously, who writes your script, it's so vibrant and engaging! Are you somehow involved in theatre or the performing arts?
--
What was original? At which point was I trying to be original? Or vibrant or engaging?
Hurt there is nothing new on the internet, you should know that you seem spend a lot of time on it after all.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-05-16 07:40:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
('Imaginary' girlfriend: also a good target.)
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-05-16 07:40:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
(My eyes are a great target too!)
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2008-05-16 07:39:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
(or fat one?)
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-05-16 07:38:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
(If you're stuck, maybe you could do some gay jokes next?)
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-05-16 07:37:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Wow, how original. Seriously, who writes your script, it's so vibrant and engaging! Are you somehow involved in theatre or the performing arts?
Submitted by Littlebint (user info) at 2008-05-16 07:32:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-05-16 07:28:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Do I shite. Seriously though, this was really pretty poor. Stick to changing the words in other peoples posts.
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Hahahahahaha
I bet you do.
Strange yesterday you complain about word changing now you encourage it. Fickle wee creature arent you Hurt.
I'm sorry I am unable to bring forth such literary brilliance as you have to this site, I shall try harder in future, or not, actually probably not. Anyway arent we due another picture of you some time soon? Must be nearly a week or so since the last one.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-05-16 07:28:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Do I shite. Seriously though, this was really pretty poor. Stick to changing the words in other peoples posts.
Submitted by Littlebint (user info) at 2008-05-16 07:24:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-05-16 07:10:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Irvine Welsh you ain't.
--
No way!! Really??
Well there go my dreams. I bet you do have a Jimmy hat, but minus the wig
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-05-16 07:24:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Nice effort
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-05-16 07:10:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Irvine Welsh you ain't.
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2008-05-16 07:08:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're on an all-out awsomeness assault ain't ye weebint.
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2008-05-16 07:04:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Littlebint (user info) at 2008-05-16 12:02:08 BST (#)
Ranking: 0
Beano- I just try to please.
----------
Really... you know what would please me no end? For you to be real pretty and mail me your bobbies.
In the meantime, I'm honoured to be your Muse.
Submitted by Littlebint (user info) at 2008-05-16 07:02:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-05-16 06:58:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Some of your Scots is innacurate, I'm afraid.
Guid shit mind, bawheid.
--
I know I havent been up to gods country for ages. Actually since the bloomin referendum. Thats the problem when one side of the family dies out I guess.
Beano- I just try to please.
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2008-05-16 07:00:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I put tha tin on tha bed and had a crap in it before returning tha lid and puttin it back under tha bed, hopefully learnin tha bastard that he was a cheap shit for havin naught worth nicking.
--------
Nice.
And that's the second time you've done as I requested.
Is something going on that I don't know about?!
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-05-16 06:58:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Some of your Scots is innacurate, I'm afraid.
Guid shit mind, bawheid.
Submitted by Littlebint (user info) at 2008-05-16 06:56:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Inspired by: http://www.ubersite.com/m/116766#2712711