In NERF We Trust (652 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.87 on 19 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by jasumthin (View user info) at 2008-05-17 20:11:39 EDT
Today my fiancé when with my mother and her mother to shop for decorations and related bullshit for her shower and our wedding. I couldn't be happier. She's a knockout. Intelligent. Funny. Outgoing. Active. And my perfect compliment in every way.
However, tonight I will be coming in her eye to teach her a lesson.
Yesterday afternoon, I placed my Special Edition Boondock Saints DVD into the player and was going to watch it. However, before I could do so I got called out to work because I was not smart enough to look at the caller i.d. on a Friday evening. Shit happens but why worry about it. I knew the woman would be gone all day today leaving me free and clear to watch my movie in peace and quiet without her asking stupid questions the whole way through.
Author's note: If you are a woman and you are reading this, please do every man in your life a favor and shut the fuck up when you all are watching a movie. I promise on my life that they are going to explain what is going on and why that character is doing whatever he is fucking doing. Sadly you will most likely miss it because you will be talking during the movie, asking a lot of dumb questions, and not paying attention to the explanation that is readily available.
Anyway, I sit down today remote in one hand, cold beer in the other preparing to enjoy one of the finest movies in cinematic history. I hit play and am greeted by the hideously bleeched perkiness of Cameron Diaz and the Jude Law, the only English man in film history to make his nationality and on screen presence both unmistakably gay.
The Holiday. She watched The FUCKING Holiday last night and didn't bother to put my movie back in. In fact, I didn't even see it laying around anywhere near the TV or DVD. I went to the shelf and low and behold what do I see right between my copy of Boondock Saints and Fight Club.
The Holiday.
Dammit. You just can't put movies that far apart on the spectrum next to each other. It could undue the universe of something. I cried. I did. I can admit that. I was deeply saddened.
After a good cry, I discovered in my confusion and anger I left the movie playing. I felt so ashamed. I had to redeem my manhood. I had to strike a blow for my tripod brothers.
A flash of brilliance came to my masculine mind. Revenge was mine. From inside of my office desk, I produced a perfectly crafted yellow, black, and silver instrument of terror: a NERF N-Strike Maverick foam dark gun with a six-dart rotating barrel complete with the optional top-mounted light beam targeting aid. From within that same drawer I also produced a small black mesh bag loaded with additional suction cup darts.
Grinning with a look of chaos in my eyes that made the late Heath Ledger's portrayal of "The Joker" in the upcoming Batman movie look like a starry eyed school girl, I assaulted her queer little movie in a manner that tripods everywhere could be proud of.
My generation doesn't take Ritalin. We don't need pills. All we ever needed and all we will ever need is NERF. In NERF we trust.
And yes, she still wants to marry me.
Word of advice: do not fuck with a movie that features Ron Jeremy!
User Reviews
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-05-20 12:27:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by JustAnotherStudent (user info) at 2008-05-20 11:23:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
You get a point just for your love of NERF. NERF is fucking awesome.
But your story sucked, and it's not just women who talk during a movie- my beloved boyfriend has to interrupt every 15 fucking seconds to ask what's going on, when it was just explained, but he couldn't hear it because he was asking another stupid question.
And your "when" instead of "went" almost made me cry.
__________
"could undue the universe of something" mmmm typos.
Nerf does rock, that is your redeeming singular point.
Submitted by JustAnotherStudent (user info) at 2008-05-20 11:23:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
You get a point just for your love of NERF. NERF is fucking awesome.
But your story sucked, and it's not just women who talk during a movie- my beloved boyfriend has to interrupt every 15 fucking seconds to ask what's going on, when it was just explained, but he couldn't hear it because he was asking another stupid question.
And your "when" instead of "went" almost made me cry.
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2008-05-20 10:21:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Shit post, good picture.
Didn't get too far into this before saying "meh" out loud.
Glad I scrolled to the image, I need a nerf gun.
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2008-05-20 01:49:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I hope I didn't "undue" your perfect 2.0
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2008-05-19 22:36:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/116824
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-05-19 10:45:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
A solid "meh"
I think you set the bar too high, too early.
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2008-05-19 06:06:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Opened this post with a +1.6 rating with high expectations...
read the OPENING line
Today my fiancé when with my mother and her mother to shop for decorations and related bullshit for her shower and our wedding. I couldn't be happier
and couldn't read any further.
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2008-05-19 05:00:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
to this day i want the nerf bow.
my nephew had one i could play with it for hours on end.
i was 24 then.
in nerf we trust, brother, amen.
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2008-05-18 21:26:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Maddog (user info) at 2008-05-18 08:47:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I remember when NERF just made footballs. Yeah, I'm old. Get off my lawn.
Submitted by TheBrad (user info) at 2008-05-18 18:46:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good choice in movies. you should watch "he was a quiet man" it is right up your alley.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-05-18 09:07:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Glenn. (user info) at 2008-05-18 05:08:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It's "complement", not "compliment". Learn it.
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it was lots of things, really. there were a shitload of typos in here. i enjoyed it nevertheless.
i am slightly hung over and i just had the HARDEST time trying to select a +2 rating. the hardest.
Submitted by Maddog (user info) at 2008-05-18 08:47:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I remember when NERF just made footballs. Yeah, I'm old. Get off my lawn.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2008-05-18 06:10:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
NERF.
Submitted by Glenn. (user info) at 2008-05-18 05:08:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It's "complement", not "compliment". Learn it.
Submitted by Registered_S_O (user info) at 2008-05-18 02:51:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-05-18 02:14:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
lol
Submitted by Majik_Marker (user info) at 2008-05-17 21:56:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
not bad
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2008-05-17 21:02:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
better luck next time
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-05-17 20:35:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
im giving you a +2 assuming most other people wont. your second paragraph was the only part that made me laugh, but it made me lawl, so you get points. youre lucky, really. ok i have to go. potbelly awaits, and then im going to get shithoused and most likely puke it back up.