TrUberSex 2008 - A series of random sexploits (1186 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 0.01 on 54 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by JesterLilt (View user info) at 2008-05-20 21:25:13 EDT
I've been thinking how best to do this... I haven't bothered to go back and check the rules to see if this will be a disqualification because frankly I can't be fucked. Its all true but it didn't necessarily happen to me. Below I've arranged a collection of random sexploits courtesy of my friends which made good Monday morning story telling.
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Hanging out in the haystack
She thought she'd done everything right. They'd been going out with each other for months and they loved each other. She wanted it to be special and the location to be perfect. He was a farm boy so she decided it would be fitting to do the evil deed in the barn.
Curled up naked in the haystack he began stripping her of her innocence. All was going well, after all, they'd been practicing the other sexual acts for months. He's going full throttle when suddenly she feels something scurry across her feet. She looks over his shoulder.
"Arrrrrrgggghhhh!" The scream resonates around the barn. She sees a nest of rats with dozens of them scuttling over and within the haystack.
"What's the matter, have I hurt you?" He asks gently.
"No, there's a troop of fucking rats living in this haystack and I think we've just woken them up!"
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Just in case it doesn't work properly the first time
She's at a party and she's pissed up as fuck. All her mates are having sex so why shouldn't she? She's mastered the art of snogging random strangers so picking off the boy in the corner wasn't a problem at all. She strolls in for the kill.
She hits, she scores!
Soon they are tucked up in the corner. They retire to the bedroom, they fuck, seemingly end of.
They exit the bedroom and he leaves apparently embarrassed or maybe just to wash his cock off in the burn down the road. She gets progressively drunker. A new addition to the party suddenly sets his eyes on her as prey. As if the evening was being played in mirror image he pins her in the opposite corner of the room, they retire to the bedroom they fuck - Double Whammy!
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The very naughty berry bush
She's walking home from a night club. Halfway home, bursting for the toilet and lacking cigarettes she decides to stop at an all night petrol station. A lad at the window begins chatting her up. 'Fuck it,' she thinks to herself. 'He's alright...'
They get to talking and it so happens they're walking in the same direction. They wander home, both intoxicated with copious amounts of alcohol, illegal substances and a side order of fresh air.
They stop, take a seat on a grassy bank get to chatting and then start getting down to the dirty business. They are surrounded in bushes, which they must have ended up rolling in over energetically.
Wrapping things up, she pulls on her trousers, he rearranges himself and they both. They exchange phone numbers and cordially make their way to their respective residences.
She walks into her house and into the living room where her flatmate is having a party.
"Oh my fucking God, are you bleeding? What the fuck has happened to you?" Screams her flatmate.
"What are you talking about, I'm fine," she replies.
"What's that on your legs, they're splattered bright red, it looks like blood!"
She looks down to see her flatmate is indeed telling the truth. Her jeans are covered in red stains from top to bottom making her look like the victim in some low budget gore movie. Not a gore movie though but a rather juicy berry bush.
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Watch where you're sitting love
House parties can be great, plenty of drink, plenty of drugs, good music and fond memories. Around a dozen people are at this house party, a few guys, a few girls. The music is thumping and everybody is pretty wrecked. As usually happens at house parties at least one couple will retire to a bedroom either for an intimate chat or intimacy of the other variety.
Well into the night it was clear one of the lads and one of the lasses were getting on like a house on fire. After several hours of flirting and an equal amount of time in the corner pretending like the rest of the room didn't exist, they departed to the bedroom. Nothing more was thought of it...
A few hours later our lad emerges from the bedroom and rejoins his mates in the living room. He leaves his new lady friend in the bedroom.
As he walks into the room it erupts with laughter.
"Holy fucking shit, have you seen the state of you?" One lad exclaims.
"What do you mean?"
"Have a look in the mirror..." He replies.
The lad walks over to the mirror. A look of horror contorts his face as he stares upon it caked in dry blood.
"No prizes for guessing what you've been up to then!"
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Déjà vu?
She dutifully stood at the bus stop waiting for the last bus home extremely intoxicated. As always a man is standing at the bus stop. Apparently they don't look so bad when you're waiting for a bus blind drunk where the best prospect is returning home early and watching the room spin wishing for sleep.
The serious bus stop flirting shenanigans ensues. The bus pulls up; they get on and sit beside each other. At some point in the journey she decides she will go home with him. She accompanies him home, they have sex and she leaves in the morning. Not even an exchange of numbers, just a simple no strings attached one night stand.
Some weeks later she's standing at the same bus stop nearly unconscious drunk, again waiting for the same late bus. She meets a guy there. As before, they get to talking, they get on the bus and she agrees to go back to his place.
Upon arrival they retreat to the bedroom. Busy fucking away in a drunken uninhibited stupor she looks up.
'Oh God, that ceiling looks familiar,' she thinks to herself.
And it dawns on her...
She's fucking the same guy.
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And a special mention to my gay mate who went home with a guy and half way through the deed realised things weren't quite right. Giving him his due he decided to persevere to the end. When he woke up in the morning he realised he'd been having man sex with a tard with tics... nice!
User Reviews
Submitted by morello (user info) at 2008-07-23 14:04:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by The-Armed-Samurai (user info) at 2008-07-06 12:16:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2008-06-19 11:34:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
My feeble attempt to expand on Deja Vu: http://www.ubersite.com/m/117265
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-05-23 16:58:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by Glenn. (user info) at 2008-05-22 10:50:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-05-21 19:08:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You could write everything you know about sex on the tip of my penis.
In a 12 font.
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Nobody's doubting that you're a giant knob, Shlongy.
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2008-05-22 05:14:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Shlongy, your comment made this "almost" worth reading!
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-05-21 19:08:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You could write everything you know about sex on the tip of my penis.
In a 12 font.
---------------------------------------
I had a wierd situation last night. As my woman came, she bucked forwards and headbutted me in the nose. This sparked my hayfever and a violent fit of sneezing. True story, actually happened last night. Hurt like a mother fucker and sort of spoiled the moment.
Oh yeah, this post was fucking shite.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-05-21 19:08:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You could write everything you know about sex on the tip of my penis.
In a 12 font.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-05-21 15:53:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-05-21 15:14:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-05-21 14:07:34 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
Banjo do you work at Waterloo Quay?
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No, not waterloo quay afraid to disappoint. I work for an engineering consultancy in Aberdeen.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2008-05-21 14:32:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
hurty is right on all counts re. pubs. Good analysis
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2008-05-21 13:16:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-05-21 10:05:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-05-21 09:07:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Banjo do you work at Waterloo Quay?
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-05-21 08:08:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh FJ, don't admit to that!!!! The only worse place was the boat. Nothing good ever came out of Gateshead!!!
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-05-21 07:42:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The last time I went to Newcastle, about four years ago, I 'enjoyed' a night in Buffalo Joe's and then a club across the road...Baha or something.
I don't wanna go back there :o(
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-05-21 07:40:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hahaha, I remember nearly getting shooed out of the place "League of Gentleman" style. It was a local place for local people! It was right round the corner from my first flat in Heaton. One of John's favourite fly pint stop off holes.
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2008-05-21 07:33:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Glenn. (user info) at 2008-05-21 02:21:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ignore the new-wave semi-literate circle-jerking high-fiving shit-posting morons around here who wouldn't know decent writing if it gang-raped their mother in front of them.
I started reading and didn't stop until the end, easily worth a +2 given the current state of Uber.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-05-21 07:28:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, that place, no I think that's shut now. Thank fuck.
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-05-21 07:23:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
That's the name of the wee one down the side street up the top of Chile Rd isn't it? Yes if that's what its called, the Bluebell. I don't remember it being called that though. Full of inbred mutant ex-pit workers who look at you bonkeyed when you walk in?
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-05-21 07:20:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Heaton - 4 bars in Heaton last count. Wouldn't go if I was going to Newcastle for the first time or on hols but I've had some amazing nights just scumming it around Heaton.
=======
The Chilli (awesome), Echo Bar (shite), Corner House (meh)... and what the hell else? If you say 'The Bluebell' I'll kill you.
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-05-21 07:18:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Jesmond - not at night, it is a wank shit hole but its good on a sunny afternoon. Over priced yes and full of toffee nosed students in student season, not when they've all gone home to mummy and daddy for the summer. All the wee beer gardens are nice when its quiet.
Heaton - 4 bars in Heaton last count. Wouldn't go if I was going to Newcastle for the first time or on hols but I've had some amazing nights just scumming it around Heaton.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-05-21 07:13:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ignore Banjo, Jesmond is fucking wank, full of posh student cunts and over-crowded, over-priced bars. Heaton is also pretty crap for drinking as there are basically two pubs in the whole place, a constant source of frustration I might add.
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-05-21 07:05:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
North: Smug hell hole, but good beer and porn on the walls.
Head of Steam: Sweaty, but again, great selection of beer.
Forth: Recently re-done with excellent out-door smoking area and great beer.
Telegraph: Under a tunnel next to the station, cracking atmosphere, a little limited on the beer.
Dog n Parrot: Formerly the greatest place in Newcastle, now a festering indie shit hole. If you can get a table (arrive before 8-ish) there's a good atmosphere and cheap doubles.
---------------------------
I concur with this summary of Newcastle pubs.
I keep saying it I know but I am defo coming to Newc in the not to distant future. Are you up for a weekend of pure obliteration?
Avoid the Bigg Market at all costs, avoid most of the quayside to. Central Station roundabouts is the place to be. Down the Haymarket can be alright for a Sunday afternoon beer. I don't mind Jesmond, good for the girlies and if its a Sunny day, a nice afternoon out sipping cocktails. Heaton is by far and away a quality place to begin the evening.
Also, avoid any coastal towns e.g. Whitley Bay, Tynemouth... Although, South Shields was always a skanky amusing night out...
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-05-21 05:23:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Deserves higher rating.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-05-21 05:09:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was thinking more along the lines of having a pint, but hey, if you wanna skip that stage.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-05-21 05:08:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Only if I get to be the big spoon.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-05-21 05:05:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh yeah, drop me an e-mail if you fancy having a mini GayBerCon.
andylreid.at.gmail.com
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-05-21 05:00:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Other awesome pubs in Newcastle (more in the Ouseburn area, a little way out of town but well worth the trip):
The Cumberland Arms: Literally two rooms with a heated patio area. Legendary ale.
The Cluny: Just down the hill from the Cumberland, absolutely cracking, perfect mix of awesome booze and atmosphere.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-05-21 04:56:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Well my mates that live down there are quite indy so that makes sense. Personally I don't really care, as long as I can get drunk and have a laugh I will be happy.
And I don't want to go to no pubs with pictures of cheeseburgers on the walls. Why do pubs insist on plastering pictures of burgers and pints all over the place?
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-05-21 04:53:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's a night called 'Bulletproof' which they stole in a cowardly fashion from Students' Union. If you can tolerate indie wankers all over the place with retarded hair cuts and too tight jeans then you'll have a great time. Personally, I'd avoid it like the plague, but I've seen the shirts you wear, so you'll probably love it. Good pubs to go to first (in the vicinity):
North: Smug hell hole, but good beer and porn on the walls.
Head of Steam: Sweaty, but again, great selection of beer.
Forth: Recently re-done with excellent out-door smoking area and great beer.
Telegraph: Under a tunnel next to the station, cracking atmosphere, a little limited on the beer.
Dog n Parrot: Formerly the greatest place in Newcastle, now a festering indie shit hole. If you can get a table (arrive before 8-ish) there's a good atmosphere and cheap doubles.
Avoid at all costs the crappy bars in the Pink Triangle, nothing against the homos, but they're always packed with screaming queens and shit over priced beer. Also avoid The Union Rooms as it's one of those nightmarish Wetherspoon's pubs with no atmosphere.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-05-21 04:48:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
It was the cherry sauce...thick and goopy...*shudder*
Apparently I am being taken to the Carling Academy in Newcastle on Saturday night. Is that thumbs up or down?
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-05-21 04:47:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I didn't know Bell was that much of a prude.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-05-21 04:43:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Didn't read it, but you didn't argue when I suggested there's a picture of me in a Ninja outfit playing a guitar while doing a flying dragon (probably) kick so we're internet friends now.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-05-21 04:42:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"A look of horror contorts his face as he stares upon it caked in dry blood."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*Puts down Muller Rice with Cherry Sauce*
*Tries to overcome nausea by lifting the spoon to mouth*
*Gags*
*Can't do it. Yoghurt in bin*
Thanks for ruining my breakfast Banjo. You fruitcake.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-05-21 04:32:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA That phone box robbing cunt! Nice.
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-05-21 04:27:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Watch where you're sitting love was every one's favourite petty criminal.
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-05-21 04:25:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You're 50% there, the other is the haystack story although I have a feeling she wasn't telling me the truth, she tends not to do that much. De Ja Vu was my best uni mate.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-05-21 04:22:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah, I'm not really surprised to be honest. I'm gonna go with 'Deja Vu' and 'Berry Bush' being about her. Mainly because of her penchant for wearing hideous and grimy white ned trousers.
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-05-21 04:17:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Round about 2 of them. I probably could have raked out much worse oddball stories but refrained because thinking about it would have grossed out my poor brain.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-05-21 04:15:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm not asking for specifics, just a figure.
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-05-21 04:11:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-05-21 08:54:47 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
How many of these are about Oddball?
--------------------------
That would be telling.
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-05-21 04:08:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2008-05-21 03:42:41 BST (#)
Ranking: 1
Any one of these could have been expanded into a good story. Especially Deja Vu. You're not trying hard enough.
-----------------------------
Now the point of the competition was true sex stories. Honestly, I'm not 100% comfortable writing about myself (discovered writing the last one) and seeing as these aren't my stories I had to write them roughly in the mood they were told to me. So in response to this, yes I could have padded them out a bit but then they wouldn't have been true because I wasn't there. Also, reality isn't really my genre, I like to read, write and watch films as an escape from reality not a reminder of it.
If I've learnt anything, I won't be entering another sexy competition because I struggle with them. They're definitely not my thing but then I'm not one to forfeit after I've signed up so had to see it through to the end.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-05-21 03:54:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
How many of these are about Oddball?
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2008-05-21 02:37:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Glenn. (user info) at 2008-05-21 02:21:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ignore the new-wave semi-literate circle-jerking high-fiving shit-posting morons around here who wouldn't know decent writing if it gang-raped their mother in front of them.
____
Says a user with a negative rating :/
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2008-05-21 02:27:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Come on now.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2008-05-21 02:25:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
eh have a 0.
Submitted by Glenn. (user info) at 2008-05-21 02:21:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ignore the new-wave semi-literate circle-jerking high-fiving shit-posting morons around here who wouldn't know decent writing if it gang-raped their mother in front of them.
I started reading and didn't stop until the end, easily worth a +2 given the current state of Uber.
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2008-05-21 02:00:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
A gay guy had sex with you?
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2008-05-21 01:41:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
http://youtube.com/watch?v=Vul6hUl0MWw
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-05-21 01:12:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2008-05-21 01:10:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2008-05-20 23:49:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Meh
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2008-05-20 22:42:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Any one of these could have been expanded into a good story. Especially Deja Vu. You're not trying hard enough.
Submitted by lostnphound (user info) at 2008-05-20 22:05:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll take it. The whole point of the contest was to get some interesting posts on the front page to outweigh the garbage that seems to be polluting it, with the except of a few good writers.
Thanks for entertaining me!