A Day In The Life Of ilikesteak (509 hits)
Category: Sound & MusicRating: 0.92 on 19 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by ilikesteak (View user info) at 2008-05-20 22:04:51 EDT
It all started long ago, about last Tuesday, that I wanted some Cheddar and Sour Cream potato chips. Too drunk to drive, I had to walk to the corner store, because I'm classy like that.
Being a "glass half full" kind of guy, I decided to enjoy the crisp night air, the safety of knowing that everyone around has a gun, the sounds of people having sex through shitty thin walls, and the exercise of walking several blocks to get to the corner store, because it isn't on my corner.
After I managed to remember the directions, walk to the store, pay for the last bag of Cheddar and Sour Cream potato chips, and leave without making an ass of myself, I decided that the outing was a rousing success, and that I should celebrate my victory upon my return.
Walking the several miles back from the store, I had not noticed the unusual rustling of leaves. Whenever leaves rustle with no reason, bad things happen.
I forgot my car keys at the store (I bring them everywhere) so I had to retrieve them, for those are the only set that I can ever find. As I strolled into the crazy Indian man's fine establishment once again, I noticed there was something different about the place. I'm pretty sure it was that he restocked the gum, but it could have been all the blood everywhere and the sounds of a painful interrogation coming from the back room.
I walked back to see what was going on, and I saw it. There was a bathroom back there. That bastard lied to me. I had to piss in the bushes on my way home. Normally I wouldn't have cared, but I did so from necessity rather than for entertainment. I was all set to help the guy, but seriously, fuck that. As I walked out, I started looting. Apparently in my stealing and burning frenzy, I didn't hear the ninjas.
I awoke in a cold, dank cell. The chips were gone, my head hurt, and my celebration was interrupted. Luckily, I was well prepared. Years of playing text based adventure games had prepared me better than Michelle Kwan did for her service in Desert Storm. Now, just because I had no idea where I was or any firm grasp on consciousness, that didn't mean I was done looting. I needed a weapon.
As I made my way further into the labyrinth, not having a sword made everything harder. Stealth and snapping innocent necks can only get a guy so far. As I walked into what seemed like the main chamber, I saw it. A flash of light reflecting on a 4d6 broadsword with +2 accuracy. I had to have it. I know I should have been more careful, but who among us can resist shiny awesomeness?
Once again, the leaves rustled. This time, I took notice, because there really shouldn't be leaves in a dungeon. It's just poor housekeeping. Just as I grabbed for the sword, the dragon woke from its slumber. At first, nobody moved. It was the greatest staring contest the world had ever seen, until the ninjas broke through the stained glass windows. I really should have noticed that window, but I was distracted by those damn leaves.
The dragon started to breathe fire, so I ducked behind a pile of gold. I'm not about to get my shit fucked up by a giant turtle, and I'm not above stealing some gold while I do it. As the dragon's fire subsided, I had time to look about the room. I saw two doors and the broken stained glass window fifty feet above. The first door had an exit sign, and the other door's sign said "harem." I could make it to either door.
As I entered the harem, I noticed that everyone was topless, pillow fighting, and making out. Classy. One of them walked up to me and took my pants off, and then the fun began. I was sexing the harem into the four hundred and thirty-sixth straight hour, and just as I decided to finally ask if one of them knew where my chips were, it happened. Fucking ninjas interrupted me again. This will not stand.
The ninjas, being smarter than the average henchmen, pulled out doom lasers. Now, I may be bulletproof, but I'm not about to test the awesome power of a doom laser. As the first shot rang out, I grabbed a random whore and used her as a shield. After she exploded in a sea of gears and bolts, I realized that everyone was sexy robots.
Sexy robots trying to kill me.
Time to break in my new sword.
After I killed everything with a broadsword to the face, I took a spare doom laser and headed back toward the dragon. I'm not about to go without my Cheddar and Sour Cream chips, and especially not the last bag of them from the corner store. I opened the door, closed my eyes, and shot. You don't need accuracy with a doom laser.
When I opened my eyes, the dragon just wasn't there anymore. Surveying the damage, I found that I hit a large group of nuns and starving orphans. Nuns and starving orphans who were about to eat my bag of Cheddar and Sour Cream potato chips. I pried my chips from the smoldering, dead hands of a nine year old girl, and went on my way. The Blue Oyster Cult as they followed me home, but I didn't feed them. If you feed them, they never leave.
And that's how I saved China from the Huns.
User Reviews
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2008-05-22 23:47:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-05-22 20:02:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2008-05-22 16:20:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-05-22 15:43:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i didnt read this pal. sorry.
does anybody else ever have to fight off the compulsion every now and again to dig your old game boy color out of your closet so that you can play pokemon? anybody? is it just me?
i just remembered how fucking awesome beedrill is.
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Dude, grow the fuck up.
We use emulators now.
0000000
these emulators, where can i obtain one?
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ROMS are the files. Emulators play the file.
Some are good, some are bad, some are better than the system they were meant for. Either way, you're taking a slight gamble with every download.
If you can't find anything, or a site is down, let me know and I'll help more, preferably on gabbly where I can interact in real time. I'll even send you the emulators and files I use, filecap permitting.
(some of the better ones)
http://www.theoldcomputer.com/
http://www.gameboy-advance-roms.com/go/to.htm?http://www.emuparadise.org/roms/gba/m/
http://romhustler.net/
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-05-22 20:02:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2008-05-22 16:20:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-05-22 15:43:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i didnt read this pal. sorry.
does anybody else ever have to fight off the compulsion every now and again to dig your old game boy color out of your closet so that you can play pokemon? anybody? is it just me?
i just remembered how fucking awesome beedrill is.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dude, grow the fuck up.
We use emulators now.
0000000
these emulators, where can i obtain one?
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2008-05-22 12:06:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by BeforeEmily (user info) at 2008-05-22 11:33:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
GTFO STEAK
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STFU WHORE
Submitted by BeforeEmily (user info) at 2008-05-22 11:33:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
GTFO STEAK
Submitted by Tony_the_Tiger_is_a_Pedophile (user info) at 2008-05-22 06:47:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
something on here that was actually amusing, kinda reminded me of GLALL, with the randomness and whatnot.
no shit.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-05-21 19:07:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I'm fucking glad that your life is nothing like mine.
Submitted by spyder882001 (user info) at 2008-05-21 18:52:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i hate tuesdays
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-05-21 16:30:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking ninjas.
The worst is when they ambush you at traffic lights and interstate off ramps and attempt to use their action "Steal" to take my change. Luckily I have a Dodge door + automatic window and locks +5, so those bitches never get me.
I fear the day though when I meet the ninja king, for surely I shall lose my 57 cents, stick of gum, and "Herb of Life(4)"
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2008-05-21 14:33:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2008-05-21 01:40:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
http://youtube.com/watch?v=gZez_k4vAzU
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I prefer this version.
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=3uwvBizKAwc
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2008-05-21 13:21:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by woolfe (user info) at 2008-05-21 08:01:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-05-21 05:28:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I will rate all 260 posts soon, I give you my word. :)
Two buggering hundred and sixty!!
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-05-21 03:44:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2008-05-21 01:40:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
http://youtube.com/watch?v=gZez_k4vAzU
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2008-05-20 22:54:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2008-05-20 22:19:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
IT LOOKS LIKE I'M YELLING
PEOPLE TAKE YELLERS SERIOUSLY
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Ghandi was all yelling about soap and he got killed by hippies wearing Che Guevara t-shirts. Santa yells constsantly at his slave elves and everybody loves him. Hitler killed himself, and he yelled all the time. Martin Luther King Jr. didn't yell much, and he was murdered.
It gets mixed results.
I LOVE RAPE.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2008-05-20 22:19:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
IT LOOKS LIKE I'M YELLING
PEOPLE TAKE YELLERS SERIOUSLY
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2008-05-20 22:17:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2008-05-20 22:13:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
YEATS AND BEOWULF MAKE ME WANT DEATH
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Ghola is going through a Cap-Lock phase.
They can't be helped. Cheddar and Sour Cream Potato chips weren't invented then.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2008-05-20 22:13:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
YEATS AND BEOWULF MAKE ME WANT DEATH
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2008-05-20 22:11:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Didn't read it, but I assume masturbation is an hourly occurrence.