I call it 'the whorehammer' (1032 hits)
Category: Politics -> IraqRating: 0.32 on 36 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by PudGrissle (View user info) at 2008-05-21 07:46:37 EDT
You know what I like....besides copious amounts of deli meat (bologna....mmmmmm)? I like when people tell me how to live my life. I especially like how any one thing that I enjoy on a given day can be looked at and taken as a proof positive that I am a certain way/thing/stereotype. I find mothers in law to be exceedingly apt in this area, not mine mind you...no she's a level headed, open-minded angel.
Anyway, I read this link about 18 things that a 'grown man' should never have:
http://men.msn.com/articlemh.aspx?cp-documentid=6939112
I read these things and although I am of the opinion that anything in excess can be bad I can't help to think that even some things deemed 'bad' or 'childish' are ok to indulge in every now and then. I think a lot can be said about the positives of being able to devolve into childishness now and then. I find that levity is something everyone could use a little more of in life.
For those of you too lazy or perhaps too....adult to click the link I'll give you the list:
1. A black eye. Unless the rim hits your face mid-dunk, your peepers should remain unblemished. You're smart enough to talk your way out of any fight you're going to lose.
2. A witty e-mail signature. Quotes and song lyrics should be heard during toasts and karaoke performances, respectively. Don't let your electronic correspondence become the digital version of a motivational poster.
3. An empty refrigerator. Your larder should be amply stocked, your pantry provisioned. Always aim to be ready to create an on-the-fly, three-course dinner for her...along with breakfast in bed.
4. PlayStation thumb. When they're relaxing, grown men can behave like children. But if you devolve long enough to cause calluses or button-shaped bruises, you're assuredly missing out on life.
5. A key chain with a bottle opener. This bauble is both a gauche reminder of your college days and proof that you don't know how to apply leverage using available, impromptu bottle openers: a lighter, the back end of a fork.
6. A lucky shirt. Every shirt is lucky when worn by a man who knows that the harder he works the luckier he'll be.
7. An unstamped passport.
8. Olympic dreams. Exceptions: curling and archery.
9. Less than $20 in his wallet. Fiduciary nudity is negligence. A real man should always carry a business card and enough dough to pick up coffee, bagels, and the Sunday paper without whipping out the plastic.
10. A name for his penis. Even if it's a really clever name.
11. Any beer that costs less than $20 a case. And no exception for the grand-slam 30-pack that crosses that price threshold.
12. The need to quote The Big Lebowski/ Caddyshack/Superbad. Reciting someone else's lines reminds people that you haven't the wit to write your own.
13. A futon. Sure, beds are for sleeping. But such a meager, slouchy spread has never, in the history of sex, inspired a woman to say, "Take me on your futon."
14. Code words for ugly women. Actually, code words for anything.
15. A Nerf hoop in his living room. Keep the adolescent accoutrements where they belong: in the rec room or above the wastebasket in someone else's office.
16. A secret handshake.
17. Drinking glasses with logos. Especially those kitschy McDonald's Hamburglar ones.
18. A recent story with the phrase "So I said to the cop..."
While I am an adult and a professional (stop laughing) I suspect that I exist in a realm outside of the people that follow this list and would likely giggle like a retard while making fun of such people.
I partake in quite a few of the above 'do not dos' and find that while they are a part of me....none of them could singularly be used to pigeon hole me in to one stereotype. So while this author is busy stroking himself to a pretentious climax I'll be happily giving one of my buddies a secret handshake while we laugh about Bob's black eye and quote Caddyshack until our guts hurt from laughter.
User Reviews
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2008-06-11 12:33:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by greEn_uGly (user info) at 2008-05-26 06:44:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
liked the title
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2008-05-23 01:11:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by DaBeast (user info) at 2008-05-22 10:44:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Bright, bouncy, baby Jesus on a bumped up pogo stick. That list had to be made by a chick! Only a chick would sit down and try to think of new ways to call all men oinkers and, in the doing, come up with a fucking LIST! Find the gonorrhea gurgling cunt bubble that made that list and KILL HER BEFORE SHE BREEDS!
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2008-05-22 03:17:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
BORING!
Submitted by sword (user info) at 2008-05-22 01:29:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2008-05-22 00:28:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i like the title.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2008-05-21 22:31:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
fuck off back to your cubicle and your mediocre hopes, labrat.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2008-05-21 21:32:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That list is bullshit.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-05-21 19:06:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I don't understand this ...I ENJOY more than half the things on that list.
So, is that good or bad?
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-05-21 18:24:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
dreadfully unamusing.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-05-21 17:34:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I assume from the graphic that what you're implying is that uber is the hole in the middle of the gayest "moon" evar?
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-05-21 16:43:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Why do you read such articles? Are you brain-dead and trying to fill the void?
This is exactly the kind of vapid, brainless, mind-altering propoganda that causes women to insist upon receiving "gifts" for these things they like to call "occasions" because some magazine told them so.
It's also the same kind of thing that causes brainless women to ask us about our feelings, or what we're thinking, or does she look fat, or will it really hurt her so much if she were to eat just one more oreo, just one more after that, and then the rest of the bag?
Think for yourself. If that's not possible, follow these guidelines:
1)When a woman asks you what you're thinking tell her you're thinking about how perfect she is, even though you're wondering when you can get up and go play the playstation/pc/whatever.
2)If she asks what you're feeling, tell her you're feeling like you love her.
3)If she asks you if she looks fat, say no. Always, unless she is fat, in which case you should tell her as much and boot her fat ass to the gym.
4)Oreo's? Haven't you heard of celery sticks or carrots, fatty?
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2008-05-21 14:54:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I do not approve of the list, much less reposting it on uber. My Heineken bottle opener was a GIFT from a good-looking chick when she got back from the tour in Amsterdam. Eat me.
Submitted by GangsterSquid (user info) at 2008-05-21 14:49:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Poots below.
Submitted by Poots (user info) at 2008-05-21 14:48:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't, unless I read that wrong, understand why a grown man should not have dreams about doing a back handspring off that bull thingy and landing a perfectly then waving to an amorous crowd of 50 thousand people chanting my name louder as the judges read of the perfect score, whatever that is, for the event. Then later railing one of those (older) hot, young, thick legged, flexable, yet flat chested american gymnasts on the very bull thingy I won the american gold by vaulting over. What, pray tell, is wrong with that?
Instead I should have aspirations of curling? FUCKING CURLING? How much tang do you think a professional curler gets? I'll tell you. ABSOLUTELY NONE! And it is a common fact that archery is the worlds top profession for hard core peadarasses.
I'm just sayin!
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2008-05-21 14:19:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
People who write these lists are lonely
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-05-21 13:39:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
TODAY I AM A MAN
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2008-05-21 10:10:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That comment changes my mind.
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-05-21 10:09:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
oh drake, you're so silly
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2008-05-21 10:05:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I didn't like it as well as I like other things that I like more than this.
Submitted by GangsterSquid (user info) at 2008-05-21 09:59:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Um...I ordered my copypasta al dente. What gives?
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-05-21 09:52:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-05-21 09:42:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
valitudinarian
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look at the big brain on barry
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2008-05-21 09:44:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Like there's anything wrong with some Grimace glassware.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-05-21 09:42:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
valitudinarian
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2008-05-21 09:37:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
dammit, I should have read the reviews first.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2008-05-21 09:37:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
so insightful.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-05-21 09:30:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I guess I must have some growing up to do then.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-05-21 09:26:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm guilty of at least 7 of those in recent years.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-05-21 09:04:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm an average joe,
With an average job.
I'm your average white,
Suburbanite slob.
I like football and porno and books about war,
I live in an average house with a nice hardwood floor.
My wife and my job,
My kids and my car,
My feet on the table,
And a Cuban cigar.
Submitted by 8track (user info) at 2008-05-21 08:20:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
i like this
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-05-21 07:58:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by woolfe (user info) at 2008-05-21 07:56:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
gold
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thank you, you're opinion matters
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-05-21 07:57:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-05-21 12:53:38 BST (#)
Ranking: -2
how dare you -2 my post, don't you know who I am?
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lol, you funny
Submitted by woolfe (user info) at 2008-05-21 07:56:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
gold
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-05-21 07:54:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you're welcome, assflap
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-05-21 07:52:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Thanks for your insight.