Carrot (799 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 0.59 on 38 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Director (View user info) at 2008-05-26 00:28:51 EDT
the long, orangish veggie
lean and horny.
the shape and the weight of it
uh...sticking into the earth.
tiny tickles on my palm
as it rests in my hand
waiting to jerked off.
jerk!
the sound of snapping
a leaf flutters
and it screams TOO HARD!
flesh on flesh
hard and...uh...orange, wanting
to be...uh...made into carrot soup.
lips open
tongue raises slightly in the middle
anticipating the touch of
bugs bunny.
...tick?
the sound of biting, piercing
parted teeth fiercely
but gently
sink in.
"What's up, Doc?"
wet-bursting, running
down joy-bellows cheeks
You kinda lost me there....
sucking quickly to catch all
its sticky, sweet bruise
Yeah. Uh. Here too.
the shape and the weight of it
deep in my mouth now
my pinkish-stained tongue
licks the paradise juice
"Should've taken a left turn at Albuquerque."
User Reviews
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-07-25 20:19:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this made me laugh today
thanks ;)
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2008-05-26 16:46:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this was amazing
Submitted by messmind (user info) at 2008-05-26 13:06:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
bi-polar douche silo
Yeah, that would make me think for some days aswell.
Fortunately i can just laugh about it, and don't give a shit.
But wtf does it mean?
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-05-26 09:29:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Why did those neat paragraphs seem to disintegrate after a while? Run out of inspiration?
Submitted by Linus (user info) at 2008-05-26 08:28:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Too bad about that education.
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2008-05-26 03:16:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
poem... somewhat amusing.
the woody allen movie was: Sleeper
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-05-26 02:43:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
isn't that the sex one?
i can hear him whining in the background now. there's a reason i got up to see what was happening to "carrot."
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2008-05-26 02:41:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I saw Annie Hall years ago. I just tried to watch it again a few days and Woody Allen's constant whining drove me up a fucking tree. Also, I've NEVER liked Diane Keaton, though she was perfect in "The Godfather."
Everything else she's ever done, though, I want to decapitate her for.
Someone tell me why Woody Allen is so revered again?
I kind of liked that one where he goes to the future and finds an old VW bug in a cave, though. Can't remember the name of it.
Good night.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-05-26 02:36:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good night. i'll return to "annie hall" now.
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2008-05-26 02:34:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Well it's 2:30 a.m.
My friends have all gone home to their wives (excpet for one, he's divorced and he went home to his dog).
We watched "The Full Monty." That movie is fantastic. I'm really glad they never show all the penis, though. I can live without seeing penis for the rest of my days. I see penis several times a day: in the shower, when I pee, and on the rare occassions when I make sweet, sweet love to myself. I don't need to see anymore penis than that.
Anyway I'm going to bed. Rather, I'm going to lie on a black leather sofa in a small dark office and wish to fuck I'd never given away my nice little house on a lake just so I could chase girls and drink.
Ha. Look at my last reviews. I'm subconciously adopting Lungfish's style of reviewing. Well imitation is the best form of flattery so, you know.
Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-05-26 02:33:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
maybe in a month or two.
i'm trying to stay OFF the mva.
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2008-05-26 02:26:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No, I'm sorry sweetie, but your poems can be pretty faggotry. HBTS had it right.
No offense. I still love ya. And at least you're not a histrionic and bipolar, pathetic jakey alcoholic loser who should kill themselves for the entertainment of others.
Also lots of people want to have sex with you. Right now, NOBODY wants to have sex with me.
:-(
The point is, you might as well keep on posting faggotry poems. I mean, why not?
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-05-26 02:20:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ah, sorry. i was just guesstimating.
i hate people who say "guesstimating."
ps: my poems are not faggotry either but hbts said that to me today and it cracked me up
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-05-26 02:18:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Um...that would be with 100 percent less poetic faggotry. My George Carlin poem was not gay.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-05-26 02:16:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
lungfish has posted more than twice as much as me, but with 98% less poetic faggotry.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-05-26 02:14:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I would post more often, but it's bad for the soul.
Black beans are good, but I cook mainly with pintos, for no particular reason. But nothing beats canned Ranch Style-brand beans, regardless of bean variety.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-05-26 02:13:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-05-25 23:01:37 PDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You think your life sucks? I just had to shit in the dark.
--------------------
I just laughed for an entire minute at this
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2008-05-26 02:07:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I always get a kick out of Lungfish's reviews.
I probably could have gotten through the rest of my life without hearing about you and your wife's current shitting routines, but it made me chuckle just the same.
I remember Safeways, from when I lived in Texas. We don't have them up here. I don't know the name of the store you're talking about with the Mexicans, though. Here they shop at a place called "Value Mart," and that place will make you shit, then fucking die. I don't know how Mexicans survive, to tell you the truth.
True story: I used to live in Mexico, and my family there suddenly lost all source of income. We survived on black beans for 3 months, I shit you not. You'd think that I hate black beans now, right? Not so. I love black beans. Perhaps because they saved our lives? Or perhaps because they just taste so damn good? I don't know, but black beans kick ass.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2008-05-26 02:04:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I have nothing against you director, you just have a penchant for getting really pissy when someone takes a shot at you. Just ignore the scum.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2008-05-26 02:02:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Lungfish you need to post more often.
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2008-05-26 02:02:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Well, *I* frequent Uber, so I suppose it's natural to want to be liked by one's peers.
However, as I learned from the brilliant mind of Phallic_Cymbals, that is a sympton of my histrionic personality disorder, and a dramatic cry for attention, so I'll just play it cool and say no fucking way would I want to be liked by these cockhounds.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-05-26 02:01:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You think your life sucks? I just had to shit in the dark. You see, the fan in the bathroom is squealing loudly, which I chose to ignore rather than apply some WD-40. I'd go in the other bathroom, but I don't want to wake the old lady, who's been puking and shitting for three days on account of some bad bread pudding bought at Food City. I tried to tell her that Food City sucks. Not because only Mexicans and my wife shop there, but because Eddie Basha sends all the nearly out-of-date stuff from the Basha's supermarkets over to Food City for the Mexicans to buy. Clearly, Eddie Bash does not like Mexicans. In any case, don't shop at Food City, or you'll shit your brains out. I do most of the grocery shopping at Safeway. I like Safeway. Also, there a guinea pig running around the other bathroom and I don't want to step on him. His name is LeRoy. Now with me shitting in the dark and having no fan in bathroom, there was no place for the fumes from my butt and my cigarette to go, and my eyes got watery. I need to smoke when I shit. I would have gone outside but there's this weird cat with a huge head and a really small body hanging out in our backyard. He creeps me the fuck out. My wife doesn't like me to shit in the yard anyway. That's a joke, I don't shit in our yard. I was talking about smoking.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-05-26 02:00:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
do you really want to be liked by the sort of person that frequents uber?
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2008-05-26 01:48:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I see. Thanks.
In the last day since I came back to Ubersite I have been called "pathetic," (numerous times) "histrionic," "loser," a "bi-polar douche silo," a "joke," a "jakey," and have been asked to kill myself online.
I'm beginning to think I'm not very well liked around here.
:-(
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-05-26 01:44:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
When one is typing a review, a different font is displayed. This troubles me.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-05-26 01:42:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
There's an I in there, which is not an L. That font sucks.
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2008-05-26 01:40:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-05-26 01:39:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
histrIonic, mon frère
============================
Say what hoss?
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-05-26 01:39:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
histrIonic, mon frère
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2008-05-26 01:37:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2008-05-26 01:25:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Don't worry, I know what the American 'education' system offers.
=================================================================
Good for you. I wish I knew everything, too.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2008-05-26 01:28:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i bet i get gypsied cursed for that...
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2008-05-26 01:26:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
wait, tarot rhymes with arrow? bullshit!
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2008-05-26 01:25:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Don't worry, I know what the American 'education' system offers.
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2008-05-26 01:11:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No, I did not.
Nor did I know what "histronic" meant.
So my level of education isn't on par with yours. You want a cookie?
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2008-05-26 01:00:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You do know that tarot rhymes with arrow, don't you? I suppose that now you'll say "Off cours i did lolz" anyway, even if you didn't.
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2008-05-26 00:34:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Carrot faggotry above.
:-(
Bye.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-05-26 00:32:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fucking scrollbar
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-05-26 00:32:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA
HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA
HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA
HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA
i've only read three lines but
HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA
HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA
HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA
HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA!
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2008-05-26 00:30:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Sorry. We're bored.