Judging the Cobra Kai (7654 hits)
Category: Movies & TVRating: 1.82 on 61 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by TooMuchMan (View user info) at 2008-05-27 12:29:24 EDT
Inspired by http://www.ubersite.com/m/116871
In recent years there has been a resurgence of interest in KKI. Dopey geek bands (Sweep the Leg Johnny) named after lines that don't even exist in the movie, or weird KKI-themed videos (No More Kings) that try to hide a terrible song behind the allure of an old cultural reference. Inherent in this resurgence--which will only get worse as the 25th anniversary of KKI arrives next year--is a focus on Johnny, pretty much to the exclusion of all other members of the Cobra Kai. Do not get me wrong: Zabka rules and Johnny Lawrence is the perfect archetype of the 1980s rich high school bully. But I maintain that the single-minded focus on Johnny as the center of the Cobra Kai universe, and indeed, of KKI as a whole, is a mistake. What the internet needs is a dispassionate analysis of all Cobra Kai members in order to catalogue their different qualities, from their martial arts weaknesses to their personal temperaments, and to judge which one of them truly is the best (*boosh!*) around.
There are four main Cobra Kai who form the nucleus of KKI: Johnny, Bobby, Tommy, and Dutch. There are others (Jimmy, Jerry, Chucky, etc.), but these four are the only ones who have any substantial roles in the film. They each also have notable speaking parts, allowing us to identify them as something other than, say, the fat kid who gets reverse roundhouse-kicked in the chest (probably the greatest move in the entire film), the token black guy (also plays the token short gay black ballerina frat guy in Revenge of the Nerds), or the one who was also in Head of the Class (Jimmy, a.k.a. "The Fifth Cobra Kai"). As it turns out, each of the big four Cobra Kai is emblematic of a certain archetype of high school cool kid society: rich bully, troubled good kid, smart ass, and sociopath.
I have included video links as references.
JOHNNY: Everyone's favorite, the rich bully. There is not much to say here that true fans don't already know, so I'll be brief. Johnny is the antithesis of Daniel-san: whereas Daniel-san is a small, poor, weak, ethnic kid who sucks at karate, rides a shitty bicycle, and has no friends; Johnny is a tall, strong, rich, WASPy jock who kicks ass at karate, has a cool motorcycle, and has lots of friends. The reason why Johnny is so popular these days is because he does a great job of summarizing what internet nerds always wanted to be in high school. No one looks up to Daniel-san. Would you rather have a moderately cute girlfriend with a bunch of baby fat who respects how poor you are, or would you rather have a kickass motorcycle, a ton of money and friends, and get to bone hot freshmen all the time? Would you rather be the skinny dork in the shower costume, or the fucking karate skeleton that smokes weed? Yeah, that's what I thought.
Important fact: Zabka has been nominated for an Oscar. Really.
Best line: "You couldn't leave well enough alone, could you, you little twerp? No, you had to push it. Well now you're gonna pay."
Best move against Daniel-san: While most people would say sweeping the leg, this spinning heel-kick to the face (:25 in at http://tinyurl.com/5sywou) was absolutely devastating.
BOBBY: Bobby is a complex character, one who represents a troubled but fundamentally good kid at heart who is searching for a role model. Bobby has an independent and non-conformist streak, unique among the Cobra Kai. Consider the following.
-- When we first meet the Cobra Kai (1:02 in at http://tinyurl.com/5hpq96), they all wear red leather jackets. Bobby's is blue.
-- Same scene (about 1:05 in), Bobby declines a warm beer offered by Tommy with a brotherly "no thanks, pal." Johnny also declines, but that's because he wants to avoid his reputation of "ace degenerate," suggesting a very different past.
-- Same scene again (about 1:33 in) Bobby tells Johnny to forget about Ali. Peacemaker, not a troublemaker.
-- Bobby's most famous line ("Leave him alone, man, he's had enough!") shows him standing up to Johnny and Dutch against taking violence too far.
-- After the hilarious kick to the knee that cripples Daniel-san, Bobby is immediately down on his knees apologizing.
All of these incidents make Bobby seem like a much nicer guy than his other Cobra Kai friends. So why is he a Cobra Kai? It seems that Bobby needs a role model, and this is something he gets from Kreese. More than any other Cobra Kai, Bobby is the character who exemplifies "teach say student do." Throughout the tournament montage, Bobby is always looking towards Kreese for encouragement (note http://tinyurl.com/36ttfr, 1:33 in). His exclamation of "you're history man, you're dead" sounds hollow and out of character. When Bobby spars with Jerry, Kreese has to exhort Bobby to "finish him," which is pretty brutal for everyday sparring (see http://tinyurl.com/3sdyte, :33 in). Even right before Bobby delivers the near-fatal blow to Daniel-san's knee, you can see him look to Kreese repeatedly for reassurance (6:44 in at http://tinyurl.com/4b9blx). Teacher say student do indeed.
Important fact: In real life, actor Ron Thomas actually is a champion martial arts guy. Incidentally, the other character with real martial arts experience is Daryl Vidal of the Locust Valley Karate Club, who loses to Johnny in the semis but does still manage to reverse roundhouse-kick the fat Cobra Kai in the chest (1:13 in at http://tinyurl.com/36ttfr). Bobby himself gets in a good reverse roundhouse-kick to the chest a bit earlier (same clip, :23 in).
Best line: "Leave him alone, man, he's had enough!"
Best move against Daniel-san: Brutal flying kick to the knee in the semis (6:45 at http://tinyurl.com/4b9blx). It takes mystical Oriental magic to put Daniel-san back together again.
TOMMY: Everyone knows someone like Tommy, a smartmouth who always has something funny to say but who also needs a good ass beating. A disproportionate number of the movie's most quotable non-Miyagi lines are his: "brew time, man!," "who are you kidding, you're still the ace degenerate," "take a right, check it out," "we really like your car Mrs. Larusso" (6:11 in at http://tinyurl.com/4juwap), "do what you gotta do Bobby," and the infamous "get him a body bag!" are all his. These lines are emblematic of his character. He's smaller and weaker than the other main Cobra Kai characters, so he makes up for this by being the perfect follower whose mouth makes him fun to have around. Guys like this are bad enough in high school when they are associated with assholes, but they are worse in college: they attach themselves to a fraternity as the crazy mascot guy who will say or do anything, and of course the older that you get the less funny that shit is. Tommy is the one who looks back to his high school days with the most fondness, because that's when the cool kids paid attention to him. Today, he's the type of guy who you want to kick in the balls.
Unfortunately for our purposes of judging him, Tommy is also the character who shouts "must be take your worm for a walk week" at Daniel-san (9:45 in at http://tinyurl.com/3sdyte). This is quite possibly the stupidest insult ever, combining as it does a stupid premise to begin with (a weird riff on "take your daughter to work day") with a weak insult ("worm") and excessive alliteration. Tommy loses big points here.
Important fact: Actor Rob Garrison was later in a soft-core porno.
Best line: "Get him a body bag! Yeeeeaaah!" Of course.
Best move against Daniel-san: Punch to the side (1:44 in at http://tinyurl.com/36ttfr). Weak, but it does require Daniel-san to get taped up.
DUTCH: Dutch's character is rather confusing. I mean, until you realize that he's a sociopath. He gets phenomenally excited by the prospect of kicking the crap out of Daniel-san, yet he has no credible motive for this. Johnny's desire to harm Daniel-san is understandable--Daniel-san is banging his woman. Bobby and Tommy spend more time trying to embarrass Daniel-san than anything else. Dutch, though, is different. His character is just mean: he pushes Daniel-san down the hill, he's bouncing up and down and giggling like a little girl when they beat the shit out of him after the dance (about :10 in at http://tinyurl.com/5sywou), and he issues a weird set of threats in the locker room before the tournament (7:26 in at http://b.tinyurl.com/4f9yp2). He has no real motivation for this behavior, like Johnny does. So the only reasonable conclusion--and it fits the character very well--is that he's a sociopath. Everyone knows someone like this in high school, someone who beat on weaker kids just because he could, and whose favorite pastimes were cheap bourbon and date rape. If Tommy is the character you want to kick in the nuts, Dutch is the character you want to stay the hell away from.
The best thing about Dutch is that Chad McQueen (who portrays him in the movie) even LOOKS like a sociopath, with those beady little eyes and that unnatural curly blond hair. Today, Chad McQueen looks like date rape is still high on his list of priorities (http://b.tinyurl.com/45z6rs). We really like your Mustang, Mr. McQueen.
Important fact: Actor Chad McQueen is the son of Steve McQueen
Best line: "What's a matter, mommy not here to dress you?"
Best move against Daniel-san: Massive roundhouse kick to the eyeball (2:34 in at http://b.tinyurl.com/36ttfr). Fucking classic.
Given these different characteristics, how can we best judge the Cobra Kai? This is no easy task, for there are many different metrics.
Coolest: Johnny.
Best Lines: Tommy.
Most Likely to Rape Your Sister: Dutch.
Best to Study Algebra With: Bobby.
Best Hair: Johnny.
But I submit that the true metric of the Cobra Kai is actual martial arts prowess. And here, one Cobra Kai stands out: Bobby. Bobby, you'll recall, was disqualified for excessive and deliberate contact in his only fight with Daniel-san. By contrast, Daniel-san defeated Tommy, Dutch, and Johnny (and also Jimmy and Jerry) during the tournament. That means that Bobby was actually more badass than Johnny or the other Cobra Kai ever were. As Bobby is the only one who never lost to Daniel-san, and the only one who was able to even come close to putting Daniel-san out of commission, I hereby nominate him as the ultimate Cobra Kai.
Plus, Bobby's full name? Bobby Brown. That shit is just badass.
User Reviews
Submitted by BeforeEmily (user info) at 2008-08-06 07:32:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
no earthly idea what this is about
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2008-06-30 23:08:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I LOVE THIS.
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2008-06-27 04:02:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fun stuff.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-06-13 12:25:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Immense like an electric fence.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2008-06-13 11:17:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This sounded really fucked up in my head whilst I read it. I feel as if I just got really stoned and read some bizarre magazine on the toilet. Which is weird because I wasn't on the toilet and this isn't a magazine.
Congrats.
-P
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2008-06-11 17:39:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My favorite Trilogy (I'm not counting that horse face bitch movie) ever.
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2008-06-11 17:02:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Grats B@W!
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-06-11 02:36:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Congratulations, I guess.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2008-06-11 01:56:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bart is scared to post back-to-back Uber links. He has an inferiority complex about his site.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2008-06-11 01:52:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Only thing that bugs me is that Bart dumped this at the bottom of his new-link stack. I fear this will get limited play.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-06-10 19:50:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Took me a while to jump on this bandwagon but this is interesting reading.
Not as interesting as MY posts but pretty good nonetheless.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2008-06-10 19:26:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2008-06-10 18:32:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Woo
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Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2008-06-10 18:03:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
congrats on b@w
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2008-06-10 18:32:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Woo
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2008-06-10 18:03:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
congrats on b@w
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2008-06-09 10:14:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-06-04 21:50:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2008-06-04 21:37:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sometimes Bart likes to post the B@W links in bunches. He might be waiting for a few to pile up. Don't lose faith!
Submitted by TooMuchMan (user info) at 2008-06-04 19:00:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I have decided to believe that despite pretty strong support, this has not made B@W because it includes links to the real thing, which might violate some copyright or something. Yeah, that must be it. :)
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2008-06-04 15:28:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I nominated it :(
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2008-06-03 21:23:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This should be on B@W :(
then again, I wonder if anyone actually nominated it or if they just typed b@w
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2008-05-31 16:20:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
As Jackie chan might say, "uno mas?"
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2008-05-31 16:18:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy shit. This is incredible.
I never realized how great Bobby was, and I must have seen KK 20 times.
Definately B@W, in that it reads like a Donovan post (alter?), only interesting.
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2008-05-31 15:27:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
why is no one rating this? this is genius.
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2008-05-30 16:54:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
fucking awesome
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-05-29 21:01:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2008-05-27 21:41:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is what would happen if IMDB smoked hash... and it's great.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-05-29 08:57:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2008-05-28 23:04:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Those who can, do.
Those who can't, are TheUniter.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2008-05-28 22:24:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OH, FUCK YES!
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2008-05-28 14:49:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think I just fell in love with your post. Wow.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-05-28 14:32:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good show.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2008-05-28 13:10:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2008-05-28 13:10:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2008-05-28 07:46:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2008-05-28 07:30:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking awesome.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2008-05-28 02:31:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
bump
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2008-05-27 23:32:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2008-05-27 23:12:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy shit
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2008-05-27 21:41:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is what would happen if IMDB smoked hash... and it's great.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2008-05-27 19:57:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you are definitely the queen of movie minutiae
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2008-05-27 19:44:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i just lit up a cigarette and nodded in agreement.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-05-27 19:11:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*sneaks in one more...*
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-05-27 19:10:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
One more time...
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-05-27 19:10:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Once more...
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-05-27 19:10:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And again...
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-05-27 19:10:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Feel free to rip my nuts off for further killing your rating.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-05-27 19:09:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2008-05-27 13:44:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Should have changed your name to TooMuchFreeFuckingTime
--
Damn. Bitter or jealous? You make the call.
EXCELLENT post. +2.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2008-05-27 17:37:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
aye
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-05-27 16:13:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
nicely done
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2008-05-27 14:51:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You need to step away from the 80's movies.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-05-27 13:53:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
2+ for effort and caring that much about something so unimportant
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-05-27 13:47:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yeah....this B@W material
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2008-05-27 13:44:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Should have changed your name to TooMuchFreeFuckingTime
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-05-27 13:36:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
TOO MUCH FREE TIME.
Thanks for sharing.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-05-27 13:27:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
dude.
that was awesome.
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2008-05-27 13:21:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Logged in just to rate this.
Simply outstanding.
B@W
Oh, and auto +2 me.
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2008-05-27 13:21:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2008-05-27 13:18:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2008-05-27 13:16:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WTF I'm not reading all that.
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2008-05-27 12:58:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2008-05-27 12:50:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
tried to read. I'll come back to this
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-05-27 12:36:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't know how else to rate this.