dui (348 hits)
Category: HumorRating: -2 on 14 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by iambetteratit (View user info) at 2008-05-28 02:49:27 EDT
So, I'm sitting in my barracks room with a couple buddies drinking beer the other day. We are all trying to become members of the units "century club" which is a mighty contest where you drink one shot of beer every minute for 100 minutes. It's pretty early, around 1800. (Thats 6pm for you civilian folks.)
After a round of century club we're all feeling pretty good and we decide to go downtown to cause some trouble. I ride there with my friend John, and the unit alcoholic, Nate. John and I are drinking beers, and nate true to form is in the back seat downing a bottle of E&J. We arrive at the parking garage, drink the rest of our beers, have a piss, and were off.
It was decided that we should go check out the dance club first, to see if there were any girls there. We were a bit early, so no women yet. I decide to go check out a bar where I knew a band was playing, so I left the other two there.
When I arrive at the other bar I quickly realised that the band was shit. Some punk band who could only manage 2 or 3 power chords was playing. As I was about to leave I spotted the unit dumbass (who looked, and spoke like Boomhower from king of the hill.) " Hey man, I got me a daggum girl comin out here man, shes a real bute." "She says shes got a friend who might be lookin' fer a man, man."
I decided to buy a beer and stick around to find out if the girl looked okay or not. After a while of waiting, I drain my beer, and head to the bathroom for a piss. On the way out, I see Boomhower sitting next to two fat girls. Naturally I head strait for the door, and head back to the dance club.
As I walk up to the door, I see alcoholic Nate sitting on the steps out front. I ask him what he's doing. Whatever he said I couldnt understand it. That boy was about 9 sheets to the wind. We tried to get him back into the club, but the bouncer told me he was too drunk.
I called John up and told him the situation. As I was on the phone Nate wanders off, and almost falls down a huge flight of stairs. We sit him down, and he passes out on the ground. So john and I end up carrying this drunk fucker hands and feet back to the car.
At this point, I should explain I was new to the post, as was John. The only person who knew where we were and how to get back was knocked out in the back seat. I pull out a map and start reading, drunk off my ass. John, who was driving was drunk off his ass too, and Nate was passed out.
Needless to say we got lost. We ended up about 30 miles away from base in a welfare office parking lot when we finally gave up on getting home. We all puke at various time through out the night, so the car is surrounded by puddles of vomit.
At about ten in the morning, we wake up to a knock on the window. A state cop is standing there looking into a honda civic with three drunk guys asleep in it, surrounded by puddles of puke. He tried to hit us with DUI but the keys werent in the ignition. Yeah GA state law!
User Reviews
Submitted by iambetteratit (user info) at 2008-05-28 13:23:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Evreyone's brave behind a computer screen eh? Whats your big exciting story of life? "Me and my scrawny, un-showered virgin friends were playing Dungeons and Dragons, then the pizza delivery guy showed up. he punched me in the face and raped my mother while me and my dad cried in the corner like little bitches. Thats a typical friday night for you isnt it?
Ohh how I wish there was no anonymity on the internet. Perhaps dickless cowards like you would keep your head down and your mouth quiet like you do in the real world.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2008-05-28 12:05:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
ubmitted by iambetteratit (user info) at 2008-05-28 11:45:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
hey phallic you went over the fucking line a bit with the IED thing you fucking dickless ass clown i caught shrapnel in fucking sadr city a few years back and a few of my buddies didnt make it home. If I had MY way, the govt. would track your ass down and duct tape your dickless cowardly ass to the front of a humvee for dirty little shoeless iraqi kids to throw rocks at.
___
Well if i had MY way two Thai ladyboys in gold lame one-pieces would duct tape your entire body to the front of a San Franciscan faggot pride float and drive up and down those wobbly hills while the ladyboys fucked your face with their knobbly Asian cocks and a whole menagerie of homosexuality hit you with whips and old converse sneakers and your last thought before the faux leather onslaught put you to death would be "Gee i wish i had more pleasant things to remember than the fact my only happy memory is of being gang raped by a bunch of Crip inductees trying to prove their masculinity in the alleyway behind the KFC in downtown Atlanta".
Fucking cunt.
Submitted by iambetteratit (user info) at 2008-05-28 11:45:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
hey phallic you went over the fucking line a bit with the IED thing you fucking dickless ass clown i caught shrapnel in fucking sadr city a few years back and a few of my buddies didnt make it home. If I had MY way, the govt. would track your ass down and duct tape your dickless cowardly ass to the front of a humvee for dirty little shoeless iraqi kids to throw rocks at.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-05-28 05:04:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Pathetic.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2008-05-28 04:36:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-05-28 04:33:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by ChristPuncher (user info) at 2008-05-28 04:31:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
ALSO FUCK EVERYONE OF YER SPERMS/ EGGS
MENTAL RETARDATION FOR ALL!!!
that is all
Submitted by ChristPuncher (user info) at 2008-05-28 04:30:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Even if yer not an alter i still hope you and all of yer kin/future kin are pummeled to death by Injuns.
Fuck u and yer fake drunken escapades
GO BEARS WOO!!!!
Submitted by VileSin (user info) at 2008-05-28 04:26:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2008-05-28 04:26:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
The sooner this leaves the front page, the better.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2008-05-28 03:28:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Veteran's Day needs a minute of silence for the heroes that have died in past wars and a minute of applause for the fact dumb fucks like you occasionally cop an IED.
Submitted by PukingDog (user info) at 2008-05-28 02:55:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Why?
Submitted by iambetteratit (user info) at 2008-05-28 02:54:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
show yer tits while I consider your offer.
Submitted by Registered_S_O (user info) at 2008-05-28 02:52:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Fuck you.