Why the heck not (1246 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 0.21 on 62 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Squirrelly Girl (View user info) at 2008-06-05 12:29:20 EDT
Maybe it's because I've been awake for 17 hours straight that I found this email I received earlier today as funny as I did. Maybe it's the fact that my mother-in-law has the IQ of a brick. Either way, I'm sharing...
From: My Mother in Law (I deleted her email so no one asks to see her "hole")
Sent: Thursday, June 05, 2008 10:38 AM
To: My email (Not sharing that info anytime soon)
Subject: FW: URGENT! URGENT!
Susan just sent me this email and I think you should read it. It is terrible what the government doesn't tell us. Make sure you are careful when sending out those cards!
Dear God and by all that is holy, whatever you do, don't lick envelopes! I used to work for Giles & Rothenstein Enclosure Containment and Postal Facilitation Products (an envelope company), and the supervisor in the Chicago plant told us not to lick envelopes because they would often find dead rats at the bottom of the glue barrel. Grody! And one time a worker in one of the plants died and because he was an illegal immigrant and his family didn't have money for a funeral, they put the body in one of the barrels until arrangements could be made, but everyone forgot about it and people started using the glue from the dead body barrel on envelopes! This went on for weeks!
In the factory I work in they told me that when the machine jams up, they use whatever water is handy to thin out the glue. This includes water that they just mopped the floor with or human urine (because it's "naturally sterile," if you believe that baloney). They once even used human blood mixed with deadly nightshade and a hand of glory, which caused the machine to come to life and kill a guy and made all the envelopes cursed! Since then, I've avoided licking envelopes.
A woman who worked in a Calfornia post office in California licked envelopes and postage stamps (even self-adhesive ones) instead of using a sponge because she liked the taste. One day she cut her tongue on an envelope. A week later, she noticed an abnormal swelling of her tongue, and it started to shake like crazy. She called 911, and after describing the condition they told her to run out of the house and get away from other people. A few minutes later, police cars showed up and had a special team with them dressed in full-body suits like astronauts. They had flamethrowers and asked her to stick her tongue out. When she did, they jumped back and raised the flamethrowers, but not before her tongue exploded and sprayed the area with baby poisonous tarantulas! There were tarantula eggs in the envelope glue! This true story was reported on CNN, and so was the one about gangs making extra sharp envelope edges and coating the glue with AIDS virus.
Andy Hume wrote, in An Inquiry Concerning Health and Understanding (1748): "Hey, I used to work in an envelope factory. I haven't licked an envelope for years!"
Someone else important and trustworthy said they used to work for a print shop and was told never to lick the envelopes. "I used to think that it was because if we licked all the envelopes, they would stick together and we wouldn't be able to get them apart later when we needed them. But that wasn't the case! I learned the real truth when I had to go into storage and pull out a pile of pre-printed envelops for a customer and saw several battalions of roaches marching around inside a couple of envelope boxes with roach eggs everywhere. Roaches eat the glue on the envelopes and secrete Roach Jelly, much like bees make honey, but Roach Jelly looks, tastes, and behaves exactly like envelope glue so you can't tell the difference, except that after you lick it you're pregnant with roach eggs. After that, I started buying self-sealing type envelopes, until I found out that they can explode (more on that later). Now I just use e-mail or, if I have my radiation helmet on, text messaging."
Please pass this on, to any of your friends that you don't want to suffer horrible disgusting pain and death. Have a nice day!
Heh.
User Reviews
Submitted by netimportant (user info) at 2008-06-13 00:12:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
What does orphelia do besides get pregnant and sit at the computer? j/w
God I hope I'm accomplishing more at 35. Wait, I'm accomplishing more at 24. I rule.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2008-06-10 15:37:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-06-06 12:14:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2008-06-06 15:47:14 BST (#)
Ranking: -2
Orphelia reminds me of a cousin of mine. not really onto it, but always up for it. These people can be awesome.
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Did you just call me down's??
:)
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2008-06-06 10:47:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Orphelia reminds me of a cousin of mine. not really onto it, but always up for it. These people can be awesome.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-06-06 08:06:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Because it's too salty for them. Fucks their little systems up. Dogs, if dehydrated can get agressive. Pork can do that too them. Prefectly normal happy pooch can get grumpy and snappish if given too much salty foods.
Please don't hurt kitty again. I'll be good orphy, I promise this time I'll be good! I'm sorry I wont tell again. I prmoise!
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-06-06 07:05:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Shut it LittleMonster you curmudgeon, I am sick of your constant whine, whine, whine!
Do I have to steal your cat again and force it to eat cheap pork off cuts, which I know give it terrible runs??
I hope they mix up your meds with that lady in the bed next to you again, last time they did that you were 'out of it' for 3 and a half weeks. Uber was bliss. ;)
Why can't you give cats and dogs pork?
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-06-06 06:34:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, even as an email foward, it is one I haven't seen before and it entertained me.
p.s. orphy is bad to me really, she comes over and beats me with fists of rage and wet socks. I beg her to stop but she wont. She always cuddles me afterwards though and I'm always sad when she goes away again. She promised me one of her children. I'm very excited, I think she will give me this one, I can love it and beat it and take revenge on her kiddie for all the heartsche she has put me through......
The nurse says I have to go now. Meds time.
Submitted by centaur (user info) at 2008-06-06 04:31:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-06-05 12:32:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I read two paragraphs and can summise that you're retarded for finding this funny and should drink the purple kool-aid. That is all.
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Agreed.
And a dead body in a barrel... I mean srsly!?
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2008-06-06 04:26:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
umm... squirrelly girl, i didn't want to say this before; but there's a huge roach on your face.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-06-05 22:01:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh and also Banjo is a sweetheart. And Natasha.
We are all dying.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-06-05 21:55:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Squirrelly_Girl (user info) at 2008-06-05 21:23:11 BST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-06-05 15:24:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
To: My email (Not sharing that info anytime soon)
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Well don't wait too long since you're knocking on Heavens door and all.
:(
=================
I've noticed something about you - you tend to be very, very harsh on other females... but you are pretty pleasant to me. Is it because I'm dying or do you really like me? :)
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Wrong. I am certainly not 'harsh' on LM (my beautiful crazy boat lady), experima, coley, manic etc. The only Uberfemme I think I don't get on well with is Lisa. Understandable, surely?
My comment wasn't harsh, it was fuckn' funny, bitch.
Get a life. Whoops. lol.
(I think I give the guys a harder time, but think what you will)
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2008-06-05 19:31:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
thanks for sharing. Get some friends.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-06-05 17:22:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
my large-headed friend, Apollo*
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-06-05 17:18:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No, my Apollo, being awake for 17 hours awake is the same as only sleeping for 7 hours.
ONE ENTIRE, WHOLE, COMPLETE AND FULL HOUR LESS THAT RECOMMENDED FOR THE AVERAGE ADULT!!!ONE1!
To be honest I don't see how she does it.
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2008-06-05 17:15:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 BECAUSE OFFICE SPACE IS ON.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-06-05 16:52:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
isn't being awake for 17 hours 'straight' like, erm, the normal amount that people are awake?
Submitted by Squirrelly_Girl (user info) at 2008-06-05 16:23:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-06-05 15:24:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
To: My email (Not sharing that info anytime soon)
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Well don't wait too long since you're knocking on Heavens door and all.
:(
=================
I've noticed something about you - you tend to be very, very harsh on other females... but you are pretty pleasant to me. Is it because I'm dying or do you really like me? :)
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-06-05 15:24:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
To: My email (Not sharing that info anytime soon)
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Well don't wait too long since you're knocking on Heavens door and all.
:(
Submitted by Little_Sally (user info) at 2008-06-05 15:14:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
for all we know, YOU could be oathmeal.
Submitted by Squirrelly_Girl (user info) at 2008-06-05 15:12:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by GangsterSquid (user info) at 2008-06-05 14:13:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Squirrelly_Girl (user info) at 2008-06-05 14:11:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-06-05 14:09:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You've been awake for 17 hours? So you've only slept... <math math math> ...seven hours of the last 24? How the hell can you live like that?
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I just can't sleep - been trying my damnedest.
_________________________
Consider suicide. Works like a charm for this problem.
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It's amazing that you have the time to come up with such witty comments. I mean, with all the cutting yourself and jerking yourself off while choking yourself with a pair of your mothers stockings... bravo to you!
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-06-05 14:36:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
For leaving out the email address.
Submitted by GangsterSquid (user info) at 2008-06-05 14:13:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Squirrelly_Girl (user info) at 2008-06-05 14:11:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-06-05 14:09:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You've been awake for 17 hours? So you've only slept... <math math math> ...seven hours of the last 24? How the hell can you live like that?
================
I just can't sleep - been trying my damnedest.
_________________________
Consider suicide. Works like a charm for this problem.
Submitted by Squirrelly_Girl (user info) at 2008-06-05 14:11:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-06-05 14:09:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You've been awake for 17 hours? So you've only slept... <math math math> ...seven hours of the last 24? How the hell can you live like that?
================
I just can't sleep - been trying my damnedest. Of course I'm too tired to actually get up and do anything constructive either. Bleh.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-06-05 14:09:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You've been awake for 17 hours? So you've only slept... <math math math> ...seven hours of the last 24? How the hell can you live like that?
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2008-06-05 13:45:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
get off the meth.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-06-05 13:25:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2008-06-05 13:24:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 baby spider birth
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-06-05 13:23:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by triangle_man (user info) at 2008-06-05 12:35:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I love B&W pictures with colored things in them.
--
http://www.shorpy.com/files/images/8d28520u.preview.jpg
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2008-06-05 13:10:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
So you're not dead yet?
Submitted by GangsterSquid (user info) at 2008-06-05 13:04:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2008-06-05 13:02:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
e-mail forwards do not belong on ubersite.
______________________
THIS MAN OBVIOUSLY HAS HIS WITS ABOUT HIM UNLIKE THE ALTERIFFIC POSTER OF THIS SENSELESS BULLSHIT.
Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2008-06-05 13:02:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
e-mail forwards do not belong on ubersite.
Submitted by GangsterSquid (user info) at 2008-06-05 12:59:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
What's an alter?
Submitted by Little_Sally (user info) at 2008-06-05 12:58:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
yeah, alters are for losers.
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2008-06-05 12:58:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-06-05 12:53:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2008-06-05 12:51:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I didn't mean ONLY you know, lishy...I was just talking to you...in case you took it that way.
===
HAHA I didn't. I've never had an STD, an infection, or a pregnancy..so I guess my vagina is relatively pristine and I'm OK with not knowing all the things you might be talking about.
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Me either *Fingers Crossed* However I did break a blood vessel in my rod and it turned completely black. I sincerely thought it was going to fall off.
No leakage though.
And if you ever saw the "miracle of life" video in 6th or 7th grade, you know what kind of....terrible...gooey things can come through there. *shudder*
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2008-06-05 12:54:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm being a cunt because I'm sick of your eighteen alters. It's pathetic.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-06-05 12:53:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2008-06-05 12:51:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I didn't mean ONLY you know, lishy...I was just talking to you...in case you took it that way.
===
HAHA I didn't. I've never had an STD, an infection, or a pregnancy..so I guess my vagina is relatively pristine and I'm OK with not knowing all the things you might be talking about.
Submitted by Squirrelly_Girl (user info) at 2008-06-05 12:53:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2008-06-05 12:52:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Squirrelly_Girl (user info) at 2008-06-05 12:42:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2008-06-05 12:31:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've licked vaginas, and I've seen some pretty awful things come out of those.
===================
Okay, and here I thought I was being gross by posting the roach-on-a-girl-face pic.
You rock. :)
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If you think I rock now, you should see me eat clam.
=======================
L.M.A.O.
Submitted by Squirrelly_Girl (user info) at 2008-06-05 12:52:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by GangsterSquid (user info) at 2008-06-05 12:52:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
BLT is there any reason in particular you're being a cunt?
I mean, besides the obvious? I THOUGHT you were cool peeps.
This was shit. It's an e-mail forward. The user here hit ctrl+c, v and viola.
Pardon me for calling this out for the bullshit it is.
Fuck you very much!
===================
Awe, it's passed someones nap time isn't it? Poor widdle guy... so tuckered out...
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2008-06-05 12:52:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Squirrelly_Girl (user info) at 2008-06-05 12:42:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2008-06-05 12:31:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've licked vaginas, and I've seen some pretty awful things come out of those.
===================
Okay, and here I thought I was being gross by posting the roach-on-a-girl-face pic.
You rock. :)
--------
If you think I rock now, you should see me eat clam.
Submitted by GangsterSquid (user info) at 2008-06-05 12:52:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
BLT is there any reason in particular you're being a cunt?
I mean, besides the obvious? I THOUGHT you were cool peeps.
This was shit. It's an e-mail forward. The user here hit ctrl+c, v and viola.
Pardon me for calling this out for the bullshit it is.
Fuck you very much!
Submitted by Squirrelly_Girl (user info) at 2008-06-05 12:51:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2008-06-05 12:49:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
because he leads a shallow and depressing life
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Awes! We should do something nice for him. Maybe make him a cake? Get him a puppy? Find someone desperate and/or blind to take his virginity?
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2008-06-05 12:51:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I didn't mean ONLY you know, lishy...I was just talking to you...in case you took it that way.
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2008-06-05 12:50:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-06-05 12:47:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2008-06-05 12:41:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2008-06-05 12:31:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've licked vaginas, and I've seen some pretty awful things come out of those.
===
SOME OF US PRACTICE EXCELLENT HYGIENE TO MAKE SURE THIS DOES NOT HAPPEN.
THANKS FOR RUINING MY LUNCH.
Also, technically, urine is sterile..at least until it leaves the body, so not in the case of the skanks references to below, I guess.
---
In my defese, I was referring to the times when I wasn't licking said Vaginas that the badness was coming out.
Lishy, you know a lot worse things than pee come out a girls hoo-hah.
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2008-06-05 12:49:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
because he leads a shallow and depressing life
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2008-06-05 12:49:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I was JUST talking about these kinds of emails with a friend... People are so retarded.
PS Obama is Muslim
Submitted by Squirrelly_Girl (user info) at 2008-06-05 12:47:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2008-06-05 12:46:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by GangsterSquid (user info) at 2008-06-05 12:36:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
E-mail forwards make the baby Jeebus cry.
---
75 alters make him cry too.
anyway, this couldn't be true because human blood, nightshade, and hand of glory would not be able to make a machine come to life. Everybody know that you would need a dash of wormwood and three toad legs for this to happen.
Oathmeal is at least 27 percent of ubersite users, and that makes me sad.
=====================
So then why is he always claiming I'm an alt?
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-06-05 12:47:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2008-06-05 12:41:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2008-06-05 12:31:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've licked vaginas, and I've seen some pretty awful things come out of those.
===
SOME OF US PRACTICE EXCELLENT HYGIENE TO MAKE SURE THIS DOES NOT HAPPEN.
THANKS FOR RUINING MY LUNCH.
Also, technically, urine is sterile..at least until it leaves the body, so not in the case of the skanks references to below, I guess.
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2008-06-05 12:46:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by GangsterSquid (user info) at 2008-06-05 12:36:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
E-mail forwards make the baby Jeebus cry.
---
75 alters make him cry too.
anyway, this couldn't be true because human blood, nightshade, and hand of glory would not be able to make a machine come to life. Everybody know that you would need a dash of wormwood and three toad legs for this to happen.
Oathmeal is at least 27 percent of ubersite users, and that makes me sad.
Submitted by Squirrelly_Girl (user info) at 2008-06-05 12:45:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Linus (user info) at 2008-06-05 12:43:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You still here?
==================
As here as I can be. Figured I would log on for some fun-filled Uber.
Submitted by Linus (user info) at 2008-06-05 12:43:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You still here?
Submitted by Squirrelly_Girl (user info) at 2008-06-05 12:42:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2008-06-05 12:31:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've licked vaginas, and I've seen some pretty awful things come out of those.
===================
Okay, and here I thought I was being gross by posting the roach-on-a-girl-face pic.
You rock. :)
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2008-06-05 12:41:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2008-06-05 12:31:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've licked vaginas, and I've seen some pretty awful things come out of those.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-06-05 12:40:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2008-06-05 12:38:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Lame.
Submitted by GangsterSquid (user info) at 2008-06-05 12:36:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
E-mail forwards make the baby Jeebus cry.
Submitted by Squirrelly_Girl (user info) at 2008-06-05 12:35:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-06-05 12:32:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I read two paragraphs and can summise that you're retarded for finding this funny and should drink the purple kool-aid. That is all.
==============
I know, I shouldn't find this funny. I mean, that poor immigrant... forgotten about by his friends and family and then turned to glue... so sad. <emo tear>
Submitted by triangle_man (user info) at 2008-06-05 12:35:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I love B&W pictures with colored things in them.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-06-05 12:35:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Also I do understand that this isn't a 'real' e-mail forward it just simply wasn't funny. Just to clarify that.
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-06-05 12:33:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm..
Roach Jelly.
I'd say the government is working FOR us.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-06-05 12:32:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I read two paragraphs and can summise that you're retarded for finding this funny and should drink the purple kool-aid. That is all.
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2008-06-05 12:31:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've licked vaginas, and I've seen some pretty awful things come out of those.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-06-05 12:29:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nutty