Someone please kick George Lucas in the nuts. (2100 hits)
Category: Movies & TVRating: 0.62 on 113 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jack McCallum (View user info) at 2008-06-10 15:26:01 EDT
George Lucas needs to be kicked in the nuts, gagged, and locked in a basement for a few years. Like a bad Saturday Night Live skit, he doesn't know when to stop.
He gives us Star Wars. Yay. He follows that with Empire. YAY! He brings us Jedi (I know, I know, he only directed the first one). YAY and fuckin A! Then he does The Phantom Menace... and children around the world come one step closer to getting slapped into premature dementia the next time they mouth off after grown-ups are exposed to that fucking kid who should have had his tiny skull crushed the first time he mouthed off to Sebulba, and don't get me started on the motherfucking midichlorians. Then Lucas does The Clone Wars, introducing the world to Hayden 'Waxwork' Christensen, and we begin to suspect that one of the greatest villains in movie history, Darth Vader, the Dark Lord of the Sith, crusher of throats and destroyer of worlds was driven to the dark side of the force because he was... a pissy little bitch who didn't get his way? WHAT!?! Then Lucas wraps things up with Sith, a decent movie, but too little redemption too late, the incredible acting job by Ewen McGregor (throughout the trilogy in which he starred) almost undone by the confirmation that yes, Anakin threw a tantrum, got slapped down, and that's how he became Darth Vader. The End. The Beginning. The irremovable stain on a wonderful trilogy of films that played in theaters a long time ago...
I am a bit of a Star Wars fan. I am also an Indiana Jones fans, and a huge fan of Harrison Ford who appears in both franchises.
Lucas gave us Raiders of the Lost Ark (I know, he only produced these, but the storylines are all his...). The summer Raiders premiered it was obvious it was both a throwback an earlier age and a huge leap forward. The religious artifact sought by Indy was a Nazi-melting Ark of the Covenant. Penitent man or atheist, you gotta admit that was damn fine entertainment. Lucas followed Raiders with The Temple of Doom, which featured an annoying kid, and Kate Capshaw screaming. It also featured a religious artifact that was essentially God's Penis. Shiva - God. Linga - Penis. Indy was holding a big sacred dick in his hands. What. The. Fuck. As with the first Star Wars trilogy, Lucas somehow got his shit together. He followed Doom with The Last Crusade, which I think is one of the most entertaining adventure movies ever made. The last thing we see is Indy & Co. riding off into the sunset. THE PERFECT ENDING. Everyone goes out in a blaze of glory and we are all left with fond memor—WRONG! Lucas felt like he had one more Indy tale to tell, and without spoiling it for anyone who has not seen Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, I believe Lucas has screwed the pooch yet again. I saw the flick this weekend, and I was deeply disappointed. I can live with an older, slower Indy. Seeing characters age over a series of films always gives them more depth, and this was no exception. Yet this film features such off-the-mark casting and spectacularly abysmal storytelling that I actually left the theater feeling depressed. No wonder Ford held out for so long before doing this. Instead of Indy riding off into the sunset, THIS is how it ends? THIS is the best that Lucas and Spielberg could do? How sad.
Lucas did the same goddamned thing with American Graffiti too, making an unnecessary sequel to a little gem of a film.
Fortunately Lucas has no other franchises to ruin, although I did see a trailer for the animated feature The Clone Wars, which will bring us the adventures of characters we have already seen killed, and we all know how the story ends.
I guess it's only a matter of time before we see THX1138 II: Free & Unshaved and TK421: Death Star Trooper
Someone needs to kick George Lucas in the nuts.
User Reviews
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-08-25 21:09:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-08-25 21:04:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Just to further my point:
RACISTS/DISCRIMINATORY/ANTI-OBAMA(goes back to racist)ETC... POSTS BY JACK:
1. http://www.ubersite.com/m/118305
2. http://www.ubersite.com/m/118112
3. http://www.ubersite.com/m/118090
4. http://www.ubersite.com/m/117913
5. http://www.ubersite.com/m/117808
6. http://www.ubersite.com/m/117641
7. http://www.ubersite.com/m/117614
8. http://www.ubersite.com/m/117591
9. http://www.ubersite.com/m/117554
10. http://www.ubersite.com/m/117505
11. http://www.ubersite.com/m/117364 (the very fact that you LIKE scalia)
12. http://www.ubersite.com/m/117316
13. http://www.ubersite.com/m/117303
14. http://www.ubersite.com/m/117258
15. http://www.ubersite.com/m/117174
16. http://www.ubersite.com/m/117136
17. http://www.ubersite.com/m/117084
17 OUT OF YOUR LAST 40 POSTS.
you have issues.
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-06-16 17:28:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
LUCAS IS A NOODLER!
He just doesn't know when to stop.
/sadness
Submitted by MoPed (user info) at 2008-06-14 18:38:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
traxadon you ignorant, grammatically challenged dipshit. even the nerdiest star wars geeks get some tail. quit hating cuz you have no game.
Submitted by MoPed (user info) at 2008-06-14 18:35:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
to fully tear that last piece of shit indy film a proper new asshole, i'd have to spoil it for those who haven't seen. someone MUST do this eventually. /agree to 99% of your post.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2008-06-12 13:58:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by GangsterSquid (user info) at 2008-06-10 15:32:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think I'll wait until Crystal Skull hits DVD so I can keep my crying and weeping over this apparent debacle confined to my apartment.
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You got it all wrong.
You rent it then drink a fifth of your favorite booze, and all of the sudden it is a great fucking movie.
My wife's family is coming down adn her, her mom, sister, father and grandmother are going to see sex and the city. I am thinking about getting hammered and watching the hulk, with those special effects and Norton in it they can;t fuck it any worse than ang lee did.
Submitted by MouthSore (user info) at 2008-06-11 14:32:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Lucas came up with the storyline, which is actually the best thing about it.
Spielberg and Ford (who, along with Lucas) each had veto power over all aspects of the film, and were on set every single day.
Spielberg more than anyone else is the guy most responsible for the film as a whole.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2008-06-11 14:23:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
i liked it
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2008-06-11 13:37:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Now if only they would allow cats in the theater = (
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-06-11 13:36:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by traxadron (user info) at 2008-06-11 13:17:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Star Wars are for gays, lonely fuckfaces like you!
--
Okay, you can take a seat with Shlongy at the Ivan Reitman Classic Eighties Festival.
The rest of us guys will kick back and watch Harrison Ford crack wise while shit blows up around him. THAT'S entertainment.
Submitted by traxadron (user info) at 2008-06-11 13:17:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Star Wars are for gays, lonely fuckfaces like you!
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2008-06-11 12:52:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
He did more than just screww the pooch with the new Indiana Jones, he fucked and entire dog pound
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-06-11 12:22:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2008-06-11 13:56:03 BST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2008-06-11 02:05:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-06-10 15:43:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I haven't seen the new Indy film yet, but I feel from the promotions it looks very miss-cast.
I don't like the leading lady and isn't Ray Winstone in it??
********************
WTF? You think the leading lady is mis-cast? It's the same actress as Raiders!
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Far be it from me to guess what goes on in the mind of that tramp, but I figured she was talking about Cate Blanchett? Not exactly a great villain.
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I am talking about the young chick. Chill out people.
Nelly, wash your mouth out with soap. I ain't no tramp. :)
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2008-06-11 12:14:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you should start your own church.
and THX 1138 fucking rules
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2008-06-11 11:47:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Fuck the anti-communist Indie film!
I ain't gonna watch it.
*spits at Lucas*
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-06-11 11:46:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-06-11 02:23:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Anyways, the Clone Wars animated series has been out for a few years, it's worth watching, I think the Samurai Jack fellows do the animation for it. Some of it's pretty intensely far fetched, even in the context of Star Wars.
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No shit dipshit. I've had that for a while now. Saw it. Liked it. Which is why a theatrical release and further TV shows rehashing the same old ground are ridiculous.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Star_Wars:_The_Clone_Wars_%28film%29
Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2008-06-11 11:39:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by PepsiCoke (user info) at 2008-06-10 18:44:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
"You're such a girl," typed The Outsider. "Get the hell out of my post and go watch Sex & the City then, asswipe." He slammed the keyboard tray back into his desk and cracked open a fresh pack of cigarettes, placing one between his lips.
Three female cats, all raging in estrus, surrounded The Outsider and longingly presented their genitals. The Outsider's thin, pale face contorted into a carnal grin. The tipping paper of his cigarette had become sufficiently warm and moist. He pulled it out of his mouth.
"Time for some Tabby Tobacco," he seethed. Picking up one of the cats by the scruff, he pinned it onto his lap.
----------------------------------
Some time later, his ashtray filled to the brim and three exhausted cats sprawled across the room, The Outsider reclined in his chair, boots on the desk and smile on his face.
"I feel...refreshed!" he chuckled. He clicked the refresh button on his browser, leaned forward, pulled down the brim of his cowboy hat, and settled in for another few hours of cyber-vigilante justice. As always, he worked alone. Off the grid. Unknown. Unquantified. Unqualified. Uninteresting.
...The Outsider.
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ahahahahha, this was hilarious.
Jack McCallum : Internet Man of Mystery
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-06-11 10:20:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
LOL @ all that outsider nonsense
and @ that thing redskies linked
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-06-11 09:41:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jack, there's going to be an Indy 5 on the way as well. Also, before Kingdom came out I had always thought the trilogy ended with The Last Crusade, the most perfect adventure movie ever made - Harrison Ford, Sean Connery, there's zeppelins and secret puzzles and fighting and zeppelins and the Holy Grail and zeppelins and Adolf Hitler signing autographs and FUCKING ZEPPELINS. And when it's all over, they ride off into the sunset with John Williams' grand and majestic orchestral music to bring it to a graceful finish.
Then we have Indy 4. The sidekick (played by Shia LaBeouf, who seems to think he is the new Brad Pitt) is admittedly less annoying than "Shorty", who rivals Young Anakin on the "Fictional Children I Want to Kill" list, but who simply can't compare with the enormous acting ability of Sean Connery. The villainess wasn't memorable and wasn't even hot. They obviously tried to pull off the effect of Xenia Onatopp in Goldeneye, and failed.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2008-06-11 09:18:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh, I like Cate Blanchette, she's an awesome actress. There was something lacking in her villainy, but I think that was more the writing than the acting; she just didn't have a lot of evil things to do. I still think she's good casting though.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2008-06-11 08:56:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2008-06-11 02:05:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-06-10 15:43:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I haven't seen the new Indy film yet, but I feel from the promotions it looks very miss-cast.
I don't like the leading lady and isn't Ray Winstone in it??
********************
WTF? You think the leading lady is mis-cast? It's the same actress as Raiders!
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Far be it from me to guess what goes on in the mind of that tramp, but I figured she was talking about Cate Blanchett? Not exactly a great villain.
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2008-06-11 08:47:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I agree - the new Indiana Jones sucks the peanuts out of my shit.
But this is hilarious:
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Submitted by Method (user info) at 2008-06-10 16:16:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
LOL - I bet you Jack believes that too, and hears that bullshit in his head with the voice of the "movie guy"
One man.
One website.
No rules.
Accepted by no one.
And sworn to defend his feline counterparts to the death
He is....
"The Catherder"
In theaters nationwide, March 2009
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2008-06-11 08:40:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I pretty much agree, but all the retarded bitchiness beneath was far more interesting!
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-06-11 06:56:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-06-10 20:43:07 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
When geeks get defensive...
:)
I haven't seen the new Indy film yet, but I feel from the promotions it looks very miss-cast.
I don't like the leading lady and isn't Ray Winstone in it??
Also, I worry it won't have that cheesy charm.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What the lady said, and cheesy charm FTW!
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2008-06-11 06:50:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.amazon.com/review/R1LPA5YOND6TGD/ref=cm_cr_rdp_perm
Jack, please have a look at this. What do you think about people writing and self publishing, considering your own experience? Do you feel there is a stigma attached to self publishers.
Submitted by Off_The_Wagon (user info) at 2008-06-11 03:21:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
He can do whatever the fuck he wants with his movies. They're his.
That said, his additions mostly suck. Luckily you can chose to ignore them if you want.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2008-06-11 02:29:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i never particularly liked his movies, but back in the day, that boy knew how to throw some serious weekend long parties
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-06-11 02:23:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-06-10 16:12:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by GangsterSquid (user info) at 2008-06-10 15:55:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
AHHAHHAHA@Method
Jack, why does he hate you so much?
--
Because I am an outsider. I'm not part of any uberclique and I have never associated with any uberusers. Everyone from Bart on down associates with other uberusers, but I don't. I am unknown. I am unquantifiable. I am the outsider.
=====
ahahahah...
Anyways, the Clone Wars animated series has been out for a few years, it's worth watching, I think the Samurai Jack fellows do the animation for it. Some of it's pretty intensely far fetched, even in the context of Star Wars. Some examples:
Anakin gets about a thousand missiles following his fighter, and leads them into a star destroyer or something effectively annihilating it...pretty ridiculous.
Mace Windu uses the force (I guess...) to punch the shit out of (look Ma', no lightsaber!) hundreds of battle droids.
Yoda at one point just decides to use the force (I'm positive on this one) to slam two giant...droid transport things into each other, destroying both of them.
I would just download it.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2008-06-11 02:05:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-06-10 15:43:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I haven't seen the new Indy film yet, but I feel from the promotions it looks very miss-cast.
I don't like the leading lady and isn't Ray Winstone in it??
********************
WTF? You think the leading lady is mis-cast? It's the same actress as Raiders! And you can't complain about Ray Winstone's casting until you know what character he's playing.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2008-06-11 02:02:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I agree that Crystal Skull could have been better, but come on, Jack...just because there's a fourth movie, it doesn't diminish the quality of the films preceding it. Don't act like Last Crusade is RUINED for you. It's still the same.
And I actually liked Shia Laboeuf in this one. I thought he and Ford had good chemistry. By and large, it's definitely not the best of the series, and I have some major problems with it, but I still had a good time watching it and it doesn't ruin Indiana Jones...you can make a case for Star Wars prequels, since they're so tied into the plot of the old trilogy, but Indy? It's just another Indy movie. Not a 'saga', per se.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2008-06-11 01:56:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by PepsiCoke (user info) at 2008-06-10 18:44:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
"You're such a girl," typed The Outsider. "Get the hell out of my post and go watch Sex & the City then, asswipe." He slammed the keyboard tray back into his desk and cracked open a fresh pack of cigarettes, placing one between his lips.
Three female cats, all raging in estrus, surrounded The Outsider and longingly presented their genitals. The Outsider's thin, pale face contorted into a carnal grin. The tipping paper of his cigarette had become sufficiently warm and moist. He pulled it out of his mouth.
"Time for some Tabby Tobacco," he seethed. Picking up one of the cats by the scruff, he pinned it onto his lap.
----------------------------------
Some time later, his ashtray filled to the brim and three exhausted cats sprawled across the room, The Outsider reclined in his chair, boots on the desk and smile on his face.
"I feel...refreshed!" he chuckled. He clicked the refresh button on his browser, leaned forward, pulled down the brim of his cowboy hat, and settled in for another few hours of cyber-vigilante justice. As always, he worked alone. Off the grid. Unknown. Unquantified. Unqualified. Uninteresting.
...The Outsider.
________________
Oh sweet fuck I just laughed myself sick.
I really want that bit in the middle, though... that's the hot part.
Submitted by PepsiCoke (user info) at 2008-06-11 00:12:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-06-10 23:33:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I mean, in Raiders, the Ark of the Covenant is a hard sell considering how many people think the Bible is horseshit
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LOL
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-06-10 23:43:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm not a big fan of any of his movies. I really can't think of anything irreverant to add. THX1138 was pretty good.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-06-10 23:33:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Sinistral, that's true, but they could have made it work.
I mean, in Raiders, the Ark of the Covenant is a hard sell considering how many people think the Bible is horseshit, yet they handled that in such a way that he audience was completely caught up in the moment. The spaceship thing was just so been there, done that.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-06-10 23:31:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by PepsiCoke (user info) at 2008-06-10 22:32:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
If you didn't suck so hard it would take fewer people to do the job
--
I think you need to get those estrogen levels checked.
Submitted by Sinistral (user info) at 2008-06-10 22:55:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I completely agree. I mean, Indiana Jones has always had a small supernatural element, but I about shat myself when the space ship took off.
Submitted by PepsiCoke (user info) at 2008-06-10 22:32:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
If you didn't suck so hard it would take fewer people to do the job. As it stands, me and HotWillie have our work cut out for ourselves.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-06-10 22:24:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You now, it's a little humbling to realize that I give meaning to Pepsi-Coke's life. Just like Hotwillie... Without me they would have virtually no identity on Uber.
Submitted by GangsterSquid (user info) at 2008-06-10 21:37:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I just realized that Shlongy has no idea what the fuck he is talking about.
Submitted by PepsiCoke (user info) at 2008-06-10 20:54:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.ubersite.com/m/117143
Submitted by PepsiCoke (user info) at 2008-06-10 20:38:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I'm sure Jack's little "Outsider" rant was in jest, but it's barely an exaggeration of how he probably views himself.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2008-06-10 20:28:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2008-06-10 16:49:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahahaha, "self important flaming homo." Get over yourself Jack. You're too old and too smart to be carrying on about how misanthropic and mysterious you are. You're an internet douche just like the rest of us; deal with it.
Unless you were kidding about all that, in which case, LOL.
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Jeanneee FTW
Submitted by netimportant (user info) at 2008-06-10 20:26:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I ovulated today, isn't that great news?
Submitted by Mud (user info) at 2008-06-10 20:06:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
+1 lucas hate
Submitted by esceptico (user info) at 2008-06-10 18:49:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Dude, first of all... what's so great about lord of the sith again? is it dark? that's it? excuse me, but i strongly believe that those three movies were just a pathetic excuse to steal more money outta geeks with no lives.
Do you really believe that george lucas isn't gonna attempt to continue star wars? oohh... you just wait man...
Submitted by Linus (user info) at 2008-06-10 18:47:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Holy awesome below.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-06-10 18:47:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2008-06-10 16:52:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-06-10 16:45:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
The only movie out of ALL of those Shlongy ever saw - or WANTED to see- was American Graffiti.
THAT was good.
I agree that "American Graffiti" was, and still is good. But The other films are good too Shlongy. Seriously. Your taste in film can't be that bad.
I mean, they don't stack up to "Debbie does Dallas", but what film does?
Big Mike:
I think I have EXCELLENT taste in films and we go see probably 3, 4 movies a month, and rent/watch another 10 at home. I think we are 'above average' as far as movie viewage is concerned.
I just prefer different genres.
I can count on one hand how many movies I've enjoyed that had production budgets over $100 million dollars.
I've never seen any Star Wars movies...and Indiana Jones movies...Titanic...whetever other "blockbusters" are out there. No interest.
I like "small" films...Independent flms...the kind of films you see on "The Sundance Channel" and at small, second run movie houses, not your "Cineplex 24"
...documentaries and docudramas. Films based on TRUE stories...And the classic comedies of the late 70's and early 80's (Your Caddyshacks, your Slapshots, your Animal Houses, etc.). And Coen or Farrely Bros. films.
I fucking HATE sci-fi, I hate "fantasy"...and I fucking loathe "special effects".
And for the most part, I hate car chases, too.
On the other hand, I love 90% of the films Deniro, Pacino, Nicholson have ever been in...And I think someone like Matt Damon excels in Rounders, Good Will Hunting and The Departed, but I've never seen even ONE of the Bourne series.
And my mind can't be changed.
Submitted by PepsiCoke (user info) at 2008-06-10 18:44:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
"You're such a girl," typed The Outsider. "Get the hell out of my post and go watch Sex & the City then, asswipe." He slammed the keyboard tray back into his desk and cracked open a fresh pack of cigarettes, placing one between his lips.
Three female cats, all raging in estrus, surrounded The Outsider and longingly presented their genitals. The Outsider's thin, pale face contorted into a carnal grin. The tipping paper of his cigarette had become sufficiently warm and moist. He pulled it out of his mouth.
"Time for some Tabby Tobacco," he seethed. Picking up one of the cats by the scruff, he pinned it onto his lap.
----------------------------------
Some time later, his ashtray filled to the brim and three exhausted cats sprawled across the room, The Outsider reclined in his chair, boots on the desk and smile on his face.
"I feel...refreshed!" he chuckled. He clicked the refresh button on his browser, leaned forward, pulled down the brim of his cowboy hat, and settled in for another few hours of cyber-vigilante justice. As always, he worked alone. Off the grid. Unknown. Unquantified. Unqualified. Uninteresting.
...The Outsider.
Submitted by Linus (user info) at 2008-06-10 18:38:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by PepsiCoke (user info) at 2008-06-10 18:11:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Star Wars is gay, Indiana Jones is gay.
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2008-06-10 18:20:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Saw the new Indy movie.
Hated it.
You find a way to get Lucas alone and I'll help you carve him up.
Submitted by PepsiCoke (user info) at 2008-06-10 18:18:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Does anybody remember when Shlongy was secretive about his identity and everyone was trying to guess which celebrity he was? And then he turned out to just be some old douche who was in an unsigned garage punk band like 100 years ago?
There could never be a similar search for McCallum's identity because we already know that's there's nothing interesting about him. He lives (and will die) alone with a bunch of cats, has a big ego and writes terribly. What else is there to say?
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-06-10 18:15:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by PepsiCoke (user info) at 2008-06-10 18:11:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Star Wars is gay, Indiana Jones is gay.
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You're such a girl. Get the hell out of my post and go watch Sex & the City then, asswipe.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-06-10 18:14:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by GangsterSquid (user info) at 2008-06-10 17:39:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
But wait...I could have SWORN I've seen that account +2 your Ubermadness entries. Or was that the Horse87 account?
I'm confused. And I thought *I* was king of the alters.
--
The Heston account was created by me, and completely fucked up by me within 1 hour or so, which I why I don't use alters any more. Both Method and Apollo were on uber at that time, one of them bagged the account because I gave the password. See for yourself in the first Heston post.
As for Ubermadness, I went to school with horse87. He is no alter. He votes for me every time because hje knows my style. He's been reading my stuff a long time. Yet (for example) Apollo voted as himself and as Kwame Johnson in Ubermadness. He has admitted that kj is his alter, yet the vote counted. In the last riund of the last UM it was a clusterfuck of alters. Ubermadness and Ubersite are pretty much fucked these days.
Submitted by PepsiCoke (user info) at 2008-06-10 18:13:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
"You don't know who I am!" - Jack McCallum
"Don't care." - everyone else, including Harper Collins
Submitted by PepsiCoke (user info) at 2008-06-10 18:11:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
As soon as Jack has the cat piss taken out of him he immediately tries to start a "You're angrier than I am!" bitchfest.
DURRRR, U CARE MORE THAN ME
DURRRR, AT LEAST I'M NOT TRYING
Star Wars is gay, Indiana Jones is gay.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-06-10 17:53:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
and we begin to suspect that one of the greatest villains in movie history, Darth Vader, the Dark Lord of the Sith, crusher of throats and destroyer of worlds was driven to the dark side of the force because he was... a pissy little bitch who didn't get his way
-----
Actually that's quite perfect when you think about it.
Why has ANY supervillian become evil? Because they want things their way and when they don't get it, they throw a temper tantrum.
Submitted by GangsterSquid (user info) at 2008-06-10 17:39:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-06-10 17:29:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by GangsterSquid (user info) at 2008-06-10 17:20:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
McCallum alter below?
--
Nope, just Method and the Goon Squad up to hijinks again.
__________________________
But wait...I could have SWORN I've seen that account +2 your Ubermadness entries. Or was that the Horse87 account?
I'm confused. And I thought *I* was king of the alters.
Submitted by BubbaEarl (user info) at 2008-06-10 17:34:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"COON SQUAD"? wtf is wrong with you, jack?
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-06-10 17:29:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by GangsterSquid (user info) at 2008-06-10 17:20:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
McCallum alter below?
--
Nope, just Method and the Goon Squad up to hijinks again.
Submitted by BubbaEarl (user info) at 2008-06-10 17:21:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
jack cut all ties with bubba (not me. the paedo one). it seems he's rubbed one off on you - and you've caught the mentalitis.
you'll always be the caped catsaver in my mind.
Submitted by GangsterSquid (user info) at 2008-06-10 17:20:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
McCallum alter below?
Submitted by Charlton_H (user info) at 2008-06-10 17:19:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2008-06-10 17:12:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Cock tasting is not something ze outsider would do
Submitted by GangsterSquid (user info) at 2008-06-10 17:12:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2008-06-10 17:08:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ahahahahhahahahahahah, good lord Jack, you are really stepping closer to the edge. I can see you talking to your cats "We are the outsiders. We are the unknown, full of mystique and intrigue. We are above all these simpletons, my furry precious."
________________________________________
HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAH x 1,000,000
fucking gold
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-06-10 17:10:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm kind of shocked that it has taken 2 hours for the alters to join the jackslammers.
Submitted by tloshjohnson (user info) at 2008-06-10 17:10:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
who is geaorge lucas?
Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2008-06-10 17:09:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2008-06-10 16:16:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
LOL - I bet you Jack believes that too, and hears that bullshit in his head with the voice of the "movie guy"
One man.
One website.
No rules.
Accepted by no one.
And sworn to defend his feline counterparts to the death
He is....
"The Catherder"
In theaters nationwide, March 2009
-----------------------
ROFLMAO
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-06-10 17:09:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hey, how's the cock-tasting going, Frenchie?
*commence countdown to I HAVE A GF JACK I POSTED PICTURES STFU!!!*
Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2008-06-10 17:08:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"I am unknown. I am unquantifiable. I am the outsider."
ahahahahhahahahahahah, good lord Jack, you are really stepping closer to the edge. I can see you talking to your cats "We are the outsiders. We are the unknown, full of mystique and intrigue. We are above all these simpletons, my furry precious."
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2008-06-10 17:06:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I loled at "jack the mystical" therefor i am frustrated, apparently. Outsider, rofl
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2008-06-10 16:52:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-06-10 16:45:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
The only movie out of ALL of those Shlongy ever saw - or WANTED to see- was American Graffiti.
THAT was good.
I agree that "American Graffiti" was, and still is good. But The other films are good too Shlongy. Seriously. Your taste in film can't be that bad.
I mean, they don't stack up to "Debbie does Dallas", but what film does?
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-06-10 16:51:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate more than anything crap sequels made for a few extra bucks and so some aging superstar can re-live the glory days. Die Hard, Rocky, Alien, Predator, indiana Jones, Star Wars, Rambo... They just don't know when to stop and worst thing is, we all keep bloody watching them.
Well, not everybody, not me, I point blank refuse to watch shitty sequels I know are going to spoil the fond feelings and memories and I have for its predecessors. I won't be watching the new Indy film and George Lucas does seriously need kicked in the nuts.
I wait in anticipation for the day the do another Back to the Future... Marty will be most amusing...
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2008-06-10 16:49:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahahaha, "self important flaming homo." Get over yourself Jack. You're too old and too smart to be carrying on about how misanthropic and mysterious you are. You're an internet douche just like the rest of us; deal with it.
Unless you were kidding about all that, in which case, LOL.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2008-06-10 16:49:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Agreed
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2008-06-10 16:46:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I propose the viewing public adopts the famous "dump in a box" strategy:
1. Open the box
2. Take a dump in the box
3. Mail box to George Lucas or, failing that, his fan club/webmaster/ILM/Funyun distributor
130,000 boxes of dump can't be wrong.
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2008-06-10 16:46:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was really depressed by Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. I literally hated the movie.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-06-10 16:45:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
The only movie out of ALL of those Shlongy ever saw - or WANTED to see- was American Graffiti.
THAT was good.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2008-06-10 16:43:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
hahaah no no no, I get it! By day, you're mild mannered, self published internet writer Jack McCallum, but by night you're Catman, scourge of canines everywhere!
Don't worry, your secret identity is safe with me!
What a fucking nutter, I love it!
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-06-10 16:43:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-06-10 16:12:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by GangsterSquid (user info) at 2008-06-10 15:55:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
AHHAHHAHA@Method
Jack, why does he hate you so much?
--
Because I am an outsider. I'm not part of any uberclique and I have never associated with any uberusers. Everyone from Bart on down associates with other uberusers, but I don't. I am unknown. I am unquantifiable. I am the outsider.
jack. c'mon now. that paragraph makes you look like a self important flaming homo. i enjoy much of your stuff but that's a silly stance to take. though perhaps you're used to bending over and spreading the cheeks. i think that paragraph will entertain for a while.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2008-06-10 16:40:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Kind of late to get on the "Lucas sucks" bandwagon.
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2008-06-10 16:40:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It must be nice to be able to walk around without Bubba hanging on to the back of your belt.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-06-10 16:39:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Frustrating, huh? When someone who isn't playing the game comes along you can't get jack shit no matter how much you bend the rules. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Submitted by GangsterSquid (user info) at 2008-06-10 16:37:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jack, you're worth reading, I think. I dig your writing style and application.
Befriending you then seems like only a natural human inclination but if you're set on being such an intriguing, mysterious man of ambiguity then so be it.
I'll still +2 the shit I like reading.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2008-06-10 16:35:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ok chief, you win! You're right, I don't know who you are??
Just let me know if I have to show up for the sequel to the fantasy movie that's playing in your head, where you're the hero and I'm the villain.
Wow
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-06-10 16:33:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You know exactly what I'm taking about, my oily little friend.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2008-06-10 16:30:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I'm still trying to figure out why Jack thinks I want to "know who he is", whatever the fuck that means???
You make absolutely no sense; I'm pretty sure you're living in a total fantasy world.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2008-06-10 16:29:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I told you to keep our sex life off of Uber, my ginger viking warrior
Submitted by GangsterSquid (user info) at 2008-06-10 16:29:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jack I think you take yourself a bit too seriously.
There's nothing wrong with befriending people on Ubersite. I mean, look at me and Method! We have hot, passionate sex every other...I mean, he's cool and all.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2008-06-10 16:27:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Whatever helps you sleep at night, securely smug in your assertion that you've somehow angered me by making yourself look like a fucking tool of epic proportions, Patience Phillips
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-06-10 16:26:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I once knew a guy who would go to the movies alone.
He set fire to a tramp sleeping in a bus shelter.
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2008-06-10 16:25:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-06-10 16:12:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by GangsterSquid (user info) at 2008-06-10 15:55:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
AHHAHHAHA@Method
Jack, why does he hate you so much?
--
Because I am an outsider. I'm not part of any uberclique and I have never associated with any uberusers. Everyone from Bart on down associates with other uberusers, but I don't. I am unknown. I am unquantifiable. I am the outsider.
---------------------------
Tell that bitch Ponyboy he owes me $5 bucks Mr. Outsider
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-06-10 16:25:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Method's getting upset.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-06-10 16:24:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2008-06-10 16:18:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
"I am unknown. I am unquantifiable. I am the outsider."
HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAH TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL
--
You and Caulaincourt are EXACTLY alike. The more frustrated and furious you become in your attempts to goad a reaction out of me with this FAGGOTCATMANDIKSUKLOSERLOL!!!111!!! bullshit, the more you react with online laughter.
Frustrates you, huh buddy? You do not know who I am. It bugs the living shit out of you.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2008-06-10 16:19:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I know that you have a few cats.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2008-06-10 16:18:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
"I am unknown. I am unquantifiable. I am the outsider."
HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAH TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2008-06-10 16:16:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
M Night Shamalamadingdong keeps hoping for the 6th sense lightning to stike again.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2008-06-10 16:16:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
LOL - I bet you Jack believes that too, and hears that bullshit in his head with the voice of the "movie guy"
One man.
One website.
No rules.
Accepted by no one.
And sworn to defend his feline counterparts to the death
He is....
"The Catherder"
In theaters nationwide, March 2009
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-06-10 16:14:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2008-06-10 15:52:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
lmao you go to the movies by yourself
--
lmao right back at ya because you spend more time on this site than I do...
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-06-10 16:12:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by GangsterSquid (user info) at 2008-06-10 15:55:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
AHHAHHAHA@Method
Jack, why does he hate you so much?
--
Because I am an outsider. I'm not part of any uberclique and I have never associated with any uberusers. Everyone from Bart on down associates with other uberusers, but I don't. I am unknown. I am unquantifiable. I am the outsider.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-06-10 16:08:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-06-10 15:49:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Greed. It's one of the Big 7.
On a related note, I'm actually going to a theater to see M. Night Shananabananaman or whatever's new movie. I hope it creeps me out as badly as the hype would have me believe it will.
<expects to be dissapointed>
--
M. Night Shemalian's movies are like broken penis sex. For a while they are great fun, moving along like a steamroller over a homeless guy sleeping off a can of sterno, and then there is a painful twist at the end that leaves you feeling ripped off and wondering wtf just happened.
He is good at building atmosphere though. Gotta give him that.
Submitted by GangsterSquid (user info) at 2008-06-10 15:55:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
AHHAHHAHA@Method
Jack, why does he hate you so much? Is he allergic to your pets, you think?
*I* think that's why.
Submitted by Spuzzum (user info) at 2008-06-10 15:55:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I agree with everything here except that I liked Temple of Doom better than the last crusade.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-06-10 15:52:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2008-06-10 15:52:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
lmao you go to the movies by yourself
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-06-10 15:50:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-06-10 15:38:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I thought that the new Indy was fucking cool, and I'm also a huge fan of the original three.
If you take it for what it is, and don't try to compare it to what happened twenty years ago, it's entertaining, funny and well made.
--
'Don't try to compare it to what happened twenty years ago?' YOU DO WHEN IT IS PART OF THE SAME FILM SERIES YA FUCKIN TOOLBAG! What the FUCK is wrong witn you? GET OUT OF MY POST!
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-06-10 15:49:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Greed. It's one of the Big 7.
On a related note, I'm actually going to a theater to see M. Night Shananabananaman or whatever's new movie. I hope it creeps me out as badly as the hype would have me believe it will.
<expects to be dissapointed>
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-06-10 15:47:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by GangsterSquid (user info) at 2008-06-10 15:32:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You know, I haven't even seen the new Indy movie just because I'm afraid to be so disappointed like you were.
--
Yeah, I finally broke my no theaters rule. I do it about once a year for something big, preferring home and a DVD on my big screen to the theater and all the fucking noise from uncivilized assholes. But I owed Indy. Saw the last 3 in-theater. Had to do the same out of respect.
And what happens? I get some fat blonde and her skinny husband (couple of fuckin circus freaks) talking out loud right behind me. "Oh look, I bet that is [PLOT POINT OBSCURED TO AVOID SPOILERS]!" "Oh, that Shia LaBeouf is SO funny!" I finally turned around and looked at them and said in a deep growl/whisper, "Jeezusss fffffucking ChriST!" I'm not a very big guy, but I think I freaked them out a little cause they shut up after that.
And what is this Shia LaBeouf shit? Shia LaBeouf sounds like something that should be served in a Jewish restaurant in Paris, not something that should be served in an Indiana Jones movie.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-06-10 15:43:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
When geeks get defensive...
:)
I haven't seen the new Indy film yet, but I feel from the promotions it looks very miss-cast.
I don't like the leading lady and isn't Ray Winstone in it??
Also, I worry it won't have that cheesy charm.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2008-06-10 15:41:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I concur. Lucas is a hack and the Star Wars series sucked major balls.
Well, the old ones were ok. The new ones were unwatchable.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-06-10 15:38:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I thought that the new Indy was fucking cool, and I'm also a huge fan of the original three.
If you take it for what it is, and don't try to compare it to what happened twenty years ago, it's entertaining, funny and well made.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2008-06-10 15:38:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-06-10 15:38:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Bullshit. By implication I am a geek as well, and I would only be a geek if I spent hours and hours photoshopping George's head onto evil guy's body in that still from the last part of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.
It only took me 45 minutes.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-06-10 15:34:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The geeks will love this.
Submitted by GangsterSquid (user info) at 2008-06-10 15:32:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You know, I haven't even seen the new Indy movie just because I'm afraid to be so disappointed like you were.
Raiders, Temple and Last Crusade are 3 of my ultra-favorites from that era.
I think I'll wait until Crystal Skull hits DVD so I can keep my crying and weeping over this apparent debacle confined to my apartment.