The Happy Slapping Hamburglar (968 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesLabels: fiction
Rating: 1.92 on 35 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Flash Harry (View user info) at 2008-06-12 10:57:01 EDT
Sitting alone in the small office, bagging up coins, folding notes, shirt unbuttoned and tie hanging loose, Kenny whistled a merry tune to himself. He checked his watch. The restaurant had been closed for under an hour, and already he had emptied the tills, loaded the safe and counted out floats of £50 for the morning. A textbook close.
With the money locked safely away, he placed a fun-sized cup beneath the drinks nozzle, and selected 'Sprite'. The clear lemonade fizzed and spluttered out the regulation amount, filling the cup almost perfectly up to the line. Kenny had calibrated the machine himself, so that it dispensed the premium amount to every size of cup. With the addition of one scoop of ice, the drink would rise up to the brim. If the customer asked for no ice, that was their problem. Extra dashes were not permitted. The restaurant's soda yields had never been so accurate, thanks to Kenny. It was textbook.
He took his small Sprite over to the drive-thru window and slid the shutter open. He carefully placed a well-deserved Marlboro between his lips, and hopped onto the counter. The clean metal brought a chill to his buttocks, much what he was looking for after a long shift-running shift. As he lit the cigarette with trembling hand, a relaxing shiver tingled up his spine, and he lay his head back on the polished surface of the fry station.
Floating high above in the night sky, the neon brilliance of the Golden Arches shone defiantly. The light dazzled far and wide, warm and welcoming. It was a symbol of fun, of mischief and indulgence. Kenny gazed up at it, lovingly, and in turn it cast a sweet caramel hue upon his countenance. Dark shadows were thrown by his hooked beak upon an unfortunately narrow chin, and his ginger, heavily-gelled hair sparkled decoratively. He caught an image of his reflection on the drive-thru window, and smiled, betraying the irregularity with which his teeth had grown. He was bathed in the yellow light, like a golden nugget.
Like the Golden Nugget. Kenny had always thought this might be a good nickname for him, but it had never stuck. Not that he disliked the name he had been given instead by the crew members - 'Captain Charisma'. He was torn, however, between pride and paranoia. Did they respect his leadership skills, and his textbook management techniques, or was it an ironic dig at his love of Star Trek and seemingly eternal virginity? In moments of weakness he feared the latter...but the former was so much more easy, and convenient, to believe.
As Kenny sat at Window 3, smoking his Marlboro down to the beef and relaxing in the sickly yellow glow, all seemed right with the world. He would be back here in the morning to open up, so it was really just a quick nap he was going home for. More efficient, it would be, if he could just sleep in the staff-room, or in the cages of cardboard at the back of the store.
As he considered how he might put such a request in writing, the door burst open with unexpected force. More surprising was the bloated figure which tore across the threshold, clad all in black, and yelling wildly. Bright eyes peered through the balaclava at startled Kenny, and the intruder charged at him with furious intent.
During opening hours, the company are legally obliged to place 'wet floor' signs down to prevent accidents - or to at least insure against lawsuits which can be as crippling as the accidents themselves. The store had been closed for an hour now, however, and no such signs had been placed around the slick tiles of the dining area. The burglar's wobbling sprint only added to his worries as his heels caught on the slippery surface. For a moment, time stood still. Like a drop of water clinging to a leaf, the burglar froze, his legs straight at the knees, his feet gliding irrevocably away from underneath him, and his chubby arms flailing wildly.
Kenny watched, open-mouthed. Recover his balance, would he?
A blood-curdling scream suggested otherwise. The attacker's plimsoled feet left the ground and rocketed skywards. The fat body hung in the air for a graceful second, before plummeting towards the wet floor with a shuddering crash which Kenny felt vibrate through his bottom.
The ginger-haired manager shook his head, completely bewildered. How could he have forgotten to lock the front door? That was a rookie mistake.
The intruder was back on his feet as quickly as he had fallen, hauling his impressive girth up with a series of groans.
"Look, sorry mate, but we're closed. Don't have to put up 'wet floor' signs when we're closed. In fact, that door should've been locked. Are you okay? Are you hurt?" asked Kenny helpfully.
"Shut up! Don't talk! If I hear so much a sneeze out of you I'll blow your damned head off!" The intruder began to gingerly make his way across the dining area, tip-toeing carefully on the treacherous floor.
Kenny raised an eyebrow. "So you've got a gun?" he quivered.
"Hey! I told you not to say a bloody thing!" The intruder was wheezing heavily, and holding his ribs. "And no, I don't have a gun. Where the hell would I get a gun from? Idiot."
"But you just said you would blow my head off," argued Kenny, confused. "You can't do that without a gun. Well, I don't think so, anyway..."
"What? Shut up!" yelled the intruder, swinging his hand at the smaller man. It connected with a stinging slap that echoed through the empty kitchen and left a scarlet handprint on the astonished manager's face.
"Hey!" yelled Kenny indignantly. "What the hell? You just slapped me!" He remained where he was, glaring sulkily at his assailant and rubbing his stung face.
"I'll do worse than slap you," growled the intruder. "Now, empty the damn safe. This is a robbery - I mean a burglary! I'm a thief."
Kenny sighed. "Hmmm. I was worried you were going to ask that. See, the thing is, the safe's been locked up for the night, and is on a timer. I won't be able to open it until first thing in the morning, and even then I'll need the other key, which Daniel's got. So...yeah, I can't open the safe. Not even if I wanted to."
The intruder's eyes, which were the only part visible, burned with frustration. He grabbed Kenny by the throat and shoved his face against the marble-effect slab on the front counter. "Well then open the bloody till, you smart-mouthed little swine!"
Kenny fumbled about in his pocket for the keys, groaning with the pain of his face being squashed into the cold surface. He found the keyhole and the drawer opened with a cheery ping!
The burglar whined with disappointment. "Are they all empty?" he asked.
Kenny did his best to nod, rubbing his protruding nose painfully against the counter.
"And you can't get into the safe?"
Kenny shook his head this time, wincing as he felt the wetness that dripped from his expanded nostrils. He hated when there was a high pollen count.
The intruder released Kenny's head and kicked out at a bin. "There's got to be something I can steal. What's worth the most money?"
Kenny looked around. Besides Happy Meal toys, thousands of cups and enough sachets of sauce to feed a small country, there was very little. The computer in the office was old and out-dated; the charity box full of coins was chained up securely and everything else was too large and cumbersome to carry.
"Look," said Kenny sympathetically. "Why don't I fix you something to eat? The grill's are still on, and it'll only take a few minutes to get some burgers from the freezer."
"Seriously?" The thief sighed in resignation. "Yeah, I mean, if you don't mind, that'd be great. I've not eaten all day...I was so nervous about, well, doing this tonight, you know. Couldn't eat...barely slept last night...even went out and bought all these black clothes. Do you know how hard it is to find a balaclava?"
"Must be tough," Kenny nodded his ginger head. "Why don't you grab a drink - I'll get an apron."
Kenny went through to the kitchen, fixed a hairnet beneath his cap, and tied his apron up. "Do you like Big Macs?" he shouted over to the burglar.
"I LOVE Big Macs!" came the reply. "But Kenny - it is Kenny, isn't it? I saw it on you name-badge - can I have mine with no pickles and extra cheese?"
"Sure thing, big guy."
"Got any barbecue dip?"
"Under the counter."
"Kenny?"
"Yeah?"
"I'm sorry I slapped you."
User Reviews
Submitted by loveinbrevity (user info) at 2008-07-21 11:22:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Konerak (user info) at 2008-06-16 06:53:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Makes me wanna read your other stuff.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2008-06-13 11:05:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was pretty good.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-06-13 09:58:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-06-13 06:07:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-06-12 12:04:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-06-12 11:17:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
entertaining but it should have went on a bit IMHO
---
On average men who say 'IMHO' have a two inch penis.
-----------
On average, men who have internet Usernames of 'Doodles' have flid arms.
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I wasted five minutes trying to figure out what 'flid' meant. I'm just going to assume it means 'muscular and sexy'
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-06-13 06:13:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
FUCK YEAH!!!
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-06-13 06:07:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-06-12 12:04:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-06-12 11:17:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
entertaining but it should have went on a bit IMHO
---
On average men who say 'IMHO' have a two inch penis.
-----------
On average, men who have internet Usernames of 'Doodles' have flid arms.
On average, men who are Kevin are automatically discounted when applying for the space programme.
On average, women who drive 4x4's adore cock but are TERRIFIED of semen.
On average, men with big ears are introverts
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-06-13 06:07:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-06-12 12:04:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-06-12 11:17:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
entertaining but it should have went on a bit IMHO
---
On average men who say 'IMHO' have a two inch penis.
-----------
On average, men who have internet Usernames of 'Doodles' have flid arms.
On average, men who are Kevin are automatically discounted when applying for the space programme.
On average, women who drive 4x4's adore cock but are TERRIFIED of semen.
On average, men with big ears are introverts
Submitted by theBarron (user info) at 2008-06-13 04:26:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
FUCK YES!
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-06-13 02:54:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I never thought I'd read McDonald's based fiction, kind of sad when you think about it really.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2008-06-12 17:34:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That was beautiful.
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2008-06-12 17:03:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very good!
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2008-06-12 16:34:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
bosh
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2008-06-12 16:18:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice job with Kenny.
I heard a psychologist on the radio one time say that the golden arches represent mother's breasts for the people who depend on MacDonalds for their nourishment.
Submitted by DasHeer (user info) at 2008-06-12 13:46:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2008-06-12 13:10:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Worked for me...
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2008-06-12 12:51:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was the Hamburgler once for halloween.
I was a pimp once in a purple suit but people thought I was Grimace...
:*(
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2008-06-12 12:50:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
God you are good. Love your stuff!
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-06-12 12:07:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's always a 2... 2... 2...
Write a post where I don't have to give you 2 damnit!!!
You are my favourite writer on here, everything you do is eloquent and polished. If you ever write a book, I will buy it.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-06-12 12:04:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-06-12 11:17:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
entertaining but it should have went on a bit IMHO
---
On average men who say 'IMHO' have a two inch penis.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-06-12 12:03:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very awesome.
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2008-06-12 11:51:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
tres drol.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-06-12 11:51:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
provisionary 2
will read later
xx
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-06-12 11:38:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2008-06-12 11:36:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-06-12 11:34:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This right here is why I've never worked in fast food. You have to be friendly to everyone, even the thieves. That power is not within me.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2008-06-12 11:32:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pretty funny.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-06-12 11:27:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by GangsterSquid (user info) at 2008-06-12 11:26:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.growingfamily.com/webnursery/babypage_view.asp?URLID=4I5G5P0H4W
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2008-06-12 11:25:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah, damn you for actually making me want to eat McDonalds.
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2008-06-12 11:24:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is what Uber is all about!
More more more.
Submitted by GangsterSquid (user info) at 2008-06-12 11:23:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nobody gives a fuck about your 'H.O.', Mudwhistle.
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2008-06-12 11:23:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
textbook.
and now I want a Big Mac.
thanks.
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-06-12 11:17:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
entertaining but it should have went on a bit IMHO
Submitted by GangsterSquid (user info) at 2008-06-12 11:13:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice story, very well written.
Hooray for ginger fast food managers.
Submitted by bjrog2 (user info) at 2008-06-12 11:12:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Loved it. Thankyou for a pleasurable read, and making me smile