A List of Shit I hate about Florida. (789 hits)
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Submitted by ninja fuck (View user info) at 2008-06-12 17:34:14 EDT
So, I moved to Florida a few months ago.
I had no idea what kind of vagrants wandered down here. It's not just a place to go die, anymore.
First of all, hardly anyone who lives here is actually from here. If they are from here, and sane, they've already left.
- Anyone remember the ballots from '00?
- The first job I got down here as a bartender ended being at a swingers club. I didn't know it was a swinger's club until I started working and people kept asking if I was into the "lifestyle". The other bartender was looking forward to her husband getting workman's comp; that was going to be their "big break," she looked and smelled like white trash. I ended up getting fired because I was good at my job. Oh and I wasn't fucking the other owner (either of them, actually), which she was. He's 45-47, pony tail, fat, greasy, never without a Hawaiian shirt on with a few buttons loose to show his goods. Damnit, I'm drooling again.
- The first house I moved into (granted, this is what happens when you move in with strangers) was with a guy who is mentally unstable, has 5 kids, but refuses to get a job because he doesn't want to pay child support. (He only talked about one; I found out through his old boss he had 4 others.)He's 33 years old; thinks it's a good idea to snipe people when drunk to prove "he can"... I moved out shortly after.
- One of the more disgusting things I've seen, ever, was a 55 year old woman who's face looked like Botox had a failed abortion on her face. This went pretty well with her camel-toe-white-spandex-bedazzled pants and matching double-D tit job. I vomited in my mouth at the Cheesecake Factory. Damn her.
- Every one has a kid down here. Everyone.
- In my first month, I was called a "northunah" relentlessly.
- No one understands what, "pop," is and they think it's hilarious that I'm SUCH a retard, that I say, "pop".
- No one can fucking spell. (This just really bothers me.)
- I've been called a Yankee more than at any point in my life. I didn't know we were still in a civil war. In that same house I first moved into, my roommate tried convincing me that we should re-slave (yea) all black...er, "niggers," again because they are not real people. Seriously.
- No one can grasp that I am yup, asian, but that I don't, "Speak none uh that chinese/oriental."
I don't think they understand what "adoption" means, they just shove 'em out and wait for their welfare checks.
- No one can fucking drive down here. I just drove home from work. Behind granma who couldn't go faster than 29 in a 45. I honestly thought about rear-ending a few cars on the way home, but that just pissed me off, too. I'd probably just have to sit there in the humid heat and try not to strangle them. Most of the people drive like this. I don't think everyone, I mean anyone; is aware of what a "TURN SIGNAL" is, either.
- To graduate from Florida high schools, they have to take a standardized test (not the act/ SAT, but to graduate; reading, writing, math). The first time there is an essay portion; if they fail somehow, the second through fifth times, it's just multiple choice. Yea, you read that right. If you're not from Florida, anyway.
- One of the girls I work with (who seems very normal and well-adjusted, even though she's from Tampa) is dating two guys. She's 19, but one of them is her old high school teacher.
- The cops have been called at least 7 times in the past year or so at Hooters. All of these were to arrest or intervene with actual employees. The most recent was a Hooter's girl who was fighting (throwin' down) on the patio. She was pregnant, don't worry.
Anywho.
I can't think so good right now, but here's something I found. If you've got time/ are bored, read on. Oh, the best thing so far is the drink specials, they have $1 drink nights; nickel beer night, and a lot of places for me to get my retard on. Better than that (yes, better than the "best thing so far") is the ginormous slides they have at the beach. God, they fucking rock!
I googled, "news, florida, strange" and got these. The "strange news" section on my phone invariably has something from Florida among the 5 or 6 listed, though; and figured there would be more compiled somewhere. Oh how wrong Florida is.
- "At Walt Disney World in Orlando, the cartoon character Tigger (which had beat a groping charge a few years ago) was accused of hitting a 14-year-old boy at the theme park, but was let off despite the fact the father had it on videotape.
- Two-time NASCAR Busch Series champion Martin Truex Jr. made matters worse for himself after he was caught urinating on a car. Asked by a police officer if the relief was worth a $100 (€70) fine, he held out a $100 bill only to be charged with disorderly intoxication.
- Proving that drinking and driving still do not mix: a 30-year-old woman taking driving lessons ran over her instructor, who had to be airlifted to a hospital. Her blood-alcohol level was nearly twice the legal limit.
Then there was the mug shot of a 41-year-old woman arrested in Tampa on driving while intoxicated charges whose T-shirt read, ''I'm not an alcoholic, I'm a drunk. Alcoholics go to meetings.''
In the town of Largo, (near Tampa) in an alcohol induced oddity, police were left scratching their heads after being called to a bar disturbance only to have one intoxicated man call for help saying he was surrounded by police.
Speaking of head scratchers, a substitute teacher got in trouble in the Orlando area for bringing a handgun on school property after someone reported he was using the gun to scratch his head while pulling into the parking lot.
In other school weapons crime, a 10-year-old girl faced a felony charge in Ocala after she brought a kitchen knife to school to cut the steak she brought for lunch.
Two Tampa-area middle-schoolers were arrested on charges they tried to poison their science teacher by pouring a fabric freshener into her soda.
And there was trouble on the way to school, too. A Tampa-area mom was sentenced to a year in jail after boarding a school bus and telling her daughter to fight another girl. In Jacksonville, authorities charged another mom with pulling a gun at a school bus stop because her son was being bullied.
As always there were plenty of dumb crimes to report.
A man with no arms and one leg who refused to stop driving was sentenced in Pasco County to five years in prison after the latest in a long list of driving offenses.
A former felon swapping his old clothes for new ones in a department store dressing room was caught because his old prison ID badge was in the pants he left behind.
A Tampa-area woman was charged with faking her teenage daughter's death to scam a medical clinic out of $500 (€348) for funeral expenses, proving she did not learn anything during the two years she spent in prison for faking her husband's death to collect insurance four years earlier.
A man trying to rob a pharmacy got stuck in an air shaft for 10 hours. He said he was trying to retrieve a cat. Authorities did not believe him.
A burglary suspect fleeing Miccosukee Tribe police jumped into a lake where signs warn ''Danger Live Alligators.'' He was killed by an alligator.
Of course, there are always plenty of strange stories involving alligators in Florida.
A man golfing in Venice reached down to retrieve his errant shot from a pond when a one-eyed alligator reached up and grabbed his arm, pulling him in. He freed himself by punching the gator. In another attack, a man in a wet suit retrieving balls from a golf course lake to resell them was bitten on the foot by a 7-foot (2-meter) gator.
Rounding out animal attacks was a 62-year-old man who saved himself from a rabid bobcat by strangling the animal.
For pet lovers, there was the story of the man who was arrested after authorities found about 300 cats in his home, which was covered in feces 2 and 3 inches (5 and 8 centimeters) deep.
Others were more tragic. The owner of an exotic animal farm in Wewahitchka died after an 1,800-pound (816-kilogram) camel sat on her as a local television station filmed a feature story.
In Hillsborough County (my county), deputies did not believe a woman when she said the vial they found in her purse contained dried cat urine, not methamphetamine. They should have. She sat in jail for two months until a test proved she was telling the truth. Drug charges were dropped.
As for weird police stories.
Orlando-area police gave away sneakers for people who turned in guns and got a little more than they expected when a man exchanged a 4-foot-long (1.2-meter-long) surface-to-air missile launcher for Reebok sneakers for his young daughter.
There were robbers with a heart. An Altamonte Springs gunman let a convenience store clerk call 911 during a robbery because she said she might be having a heart attack. He then stole $30 (€21) and cigarettes saying as he left, ''You have a good day. I'm sorry this had to happen.''
Giving new meaning to the phrase he never knew what hit him, a man in St. Lucie County went to the hospital and told doctors he woke up with a bad headache. He speculated his wife may have elbowed him in his sleep. Doctors quickly found the cause of the pain a bullet. The couple confessed the wife sleeps with a loaded gun under her pillow and accidentally shot her husband when a burglar alarm went off.
And finally, one man found out that the cost of college graduation can be almost as expensive as getting the diploma. The 24-year-old man celebrated his graduation from Georgia Tech at a Panhandle strip club and ran up an American Express bill totaling $53,000 (€36,857) more than five semesters of out-of-state tuition at the school. When his dad saw the bill, he called authorities and complained the club took advantage of his son. - AP (http://www.gmanews.tv/story/73827/One-eyed-gator-cat-urine-top-Floridas-weird-news-in-07%E2%80%9D)
User Reviews
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2008-07-23 17:47:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
33602 representin
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2008-06-16 01:37:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
uh
Submitted by Rhymenocerous (user info) at 2008-06-13 16:14:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Florida sucks. This post made me smile. Well done, sir.
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2008-06-13 14:58:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
distracting, entertaining and time consuming.
exactly what i am looking for on this friday afternoon at work
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2008-06-13 09:47:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
-No one understands what, "pop," is and they think it's hilarious that I'm SUCH a retard, that I say, "pop".
It is, and you are.
What the hell is "snipe"?
Florida does blow in many ways, but I have a warm place in my heart for it. The middle school there was so bad (drug dogs, occasional dead body in the dumpster, etc) that I raelized I should pay attention in school or I might just end up like the douche bags who were in the slow classes with me. The scary realization of what ignorant people who do poorly in school end up like was enough to get me from slow classes to straight A's in honors (that and getting over dyslexia as an excuse).
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2008-06-13 07:34:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You're...disappointing.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-06-13 05:29:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I ended up getting fired because I was good at my job."
---------------
*raises eyebrow*
Is it?
Well in spite of that I thought this was a fun post.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-06-13 02:51:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
My eyes!
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2008-06-12 23:58:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I thought this was amusing.
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2008-06-12 23:24:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Rusty was so confused that he decided to call the police to ask for help. "Officer Plotchnik speaking," said the policeman.
"Hello, my name is Rusty White," said Rusty. "I'm 9 years old. Everybody hates me because I want to marry a fireman, and they say I'm a homosexual. What should I do?"
"Well, Rusty," said Officer Plotchnik. "You'd better not put your wee-wee in any other boys mouths or bottoms, or you'll go to jail. Sodomy is a crime in this state, you know."
Rusty hung up the phone, more confused and depressed than ever. "What am I to do?" he asked himself.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2008-06-12 22:54:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
My sympathies, it seems pretty crappy, but there are stupid people wherever you go.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2008-06-12 21:41:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pop is soda. Any self respecting New Englander would know that. My great grandmother still calls it tonic.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-06-12 21:35:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The antics of an average Missourian puts any of these to shame.
Like the one where an intoxicated trailer park resident strolled into a Home Depot. He was so drunk and disorientated that he dropped trou in the toilet section thinking it was a public bathroom.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2008-06-12 21:30:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Florida hate and a jab at Georgia Tech = +2's for life.
My favorite historical fact about Florida is that the state of Georgia was created, at least partially, to serve as a "buffer" between Florida and the other colonies. Look it up.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2008-06-12 21:23:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Yea, you read that right. If you're not from Florida, anyway"
Heh.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-06-12 21:05:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Texas does not, in fact, suck ass.
Well, Houston doesn't.
Can't speak for the rest of it.
Submitted by FilledwithHate (user info) at 2008-06-12 20:28:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Florida and Texas suck ass; I haven't been much elsewhere in the South except pre-Katrina New Orleans which was awesome. And you can get alligator sausage there.
I have heard Austin is cool, but I haven't yet been there.
Submitted by tatersninja (user info) at 2008-06-12 19:09:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
O, I don't know what Fark is.
But I'm sure it's so much more enlightening than uber.
My eyes have been opened.
Wtf? Who gives a shit?
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-06-12 18:22:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2008-06-12 18:20:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Found your wife.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/95641
--
Holy fuck, you REALLY need to get a life.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2008-06-12 18:20:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Found your wife.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/95641
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2008-06-12 18:12:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
escape while you can.
Fark.com pretty much has explained the dumb shit that comes out of that state by creating the "florida" tag.
having lived in Florida for 7.5 years before being able to escape, my only advice is this:
GET THE FUCK OUT NOW, RUN FORREST RUN!!!!
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-06-12 18:09:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2008-06-12 18:06:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Philistines.
Texas rules.
Period.
-----
No, maxipads rule period.
Texas rules incontinence.
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2008-06-12 18:06:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Philistines.
Texas rules.
Period.
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2008-06-12 18:02:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2008-06-12 18:00:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
everything in Texas, except Austin, blows.
^^^^^^^^^^
Amen
I've taken bigger shits than the Alamo.
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2008-06-12 18:00:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
everything in Texas, except Austin, blows.
stfu.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2008-06-12 17:55:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I can't believe The Outsider liked this shit.
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2008-06-12 17:49:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
(ahem)
This, to me, justifies something that I've known for, like, forever:
Texas> The Rest of the World and, especially, Florida.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-06-12 17:47:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Yeah, we all get NewsoftheWeird.com and Fark.com, too. Feel free to GTFO if you hate it so much.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-06-12 17:46:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes, the format was crap, but I enjoyed it.
Picky motherfuckers.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2008-06-12 17:44:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I didn't read all of this. The format was crap.
And, what the hell is 'pop'? a dance move?