Asking for it (491 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.45 on 14 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by name (View user info) at 2008-06-13 16:30:45 EDT
I guess it was inevitable. The best laid plans and all.
My friend's parents had this great house for a party. From the first day he had ever seen it, Matt wanted to have a big bash there. Only a few things stood in the way of that party. Well, two really. His parents.
Of course, even then it was just his dad that didn't like the idea.
We had a few small soirees of course, but never anything as big as we imagined. Never the epic party that Hollywood led us to believe we were supposed to be attending on a regular basis. Once we reached the legal age, however, dad became a little more relenting.
We shared beer with him. He introduced us to the world of real beer. He still hated me. To this day I still don't know why.
Then, being the alcohol savvy 19 year old I was, I bought a large bottle of Jose Cuervo for Friday night. Matt's dad had never tried tequila. So he did, and I did, and by midnight we were best friends.
But that's not what I want to tell you about. A night of hard liquor builds trust between men and after that evening Matt's dad said if we wanted to party at his house, so long as I was there it was cool. It didn't hurt that I had been in construction for the last few months and had gained sufficient size that combined with a belly full of beer I could intimidate most trouble makers. Or at least make them think twice. Maybe. Or maybe since I was larger than his son I would be more likely to be the chosen punching bag. Either way, we were going to party like Stifler. Our hero. (this is embarassing, but someone's gotta post something)
The day of the party I showed up around 1 o'clock, and Matt and I put anything breakable, stainable, expensive and dangerous into a locked room into which no one would be able to go. This took a significant amount of time as we wanted to appear careful and responsible to his parents. We were all grown up enough to have our massive teenage party, of course.
No, we wouldn't use the hot tub.
Yes, we'd make sure no one drove drunk.
No, we'd keep strangers away.
Yes, we'd clean up after everyone.
No, we wouldn't let his sister lose her virginity.
Yes, I'd make sure that if she did it would be with me.
Wait, what? No, that was a joke. Seriously, your 17 year old sister isn't hot. I wouldn't hit that, we're pals. I never sniffed her thong. Ever.
We set up speakers from various home systems, and connected them to a computer. A new technology had been developed. Napster, they called it. Any request, no matter how obscure, would be played at jet engine decibels and there was nothing Lars Ulrich could do about it thanks to the marvels of new technology.
We cleared the great room of furniture for our dance floor. The tension built. This party represented the culmination of our sheltered teenage lives. This was the going to be the best day of our lives. We would be heroes. When our school's 25th reunion took place everyone would look back on this night as the bright shining star in the smog filled noxious sky of their lives.
With this one event, we would attain that which every teenage boy yearned for: we would be remembered.
Things went great. In fact, they went too great.
By 11:37 pm Matt's little sister was AC Slatering on my lap in her "pyjamas" while I desperately tried not to get a hard-on despite approximately 30 ounces of tequila. I know, there's no way I drank like that. But it was a lot. That bottle had 40 ounces in it, and I know only one other person had a shot out of it at that time.
I still remember her lithe body on me as we hid in the cold cellar near her dad's beer fridge. The slight down on her arms that made me wonder what was growing on the infield. The loud crash as HOLY FUCK THE FLOOR IS SAGGING! THE FUCKING JOIST IS CRACKING! (See, I told you I was in construction.)
I threw that little whore off my lap as I high-tailed the fuck out of there. I ran upstairs to see the crowd had swarmed the dance floor for the latest rap craze, and the sudden looks of confusion on everyone's face as the floor gave way.
I shit you not, in that moment, I became fully sober. It was like my horny, hammered body had been wiped clean in a sudden flush of adrenaline. It felt like my balls moved up into my chest cavity and my heart fell to the floor, flopped a little, and then went into overdrive.
Luckily someone called 911. I went immediately into hauling people out of the basement.
His parents were lucky no one died. Or sued.
His Dad blamed me, and hated me more than ever. I was never allowed back.
I still fucked his sister the next week, though.
User Reviews
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2008-06-16 11:10:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
'Kay.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2008-06-15 13:31:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
solid meh.
Submitted by anunusualyetwittyname (user info) at 2008-06-14 09:03:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Lib:
Is that story posted here somewhere? Sounds like a good one.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2008-06-13 22:36:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Not bad, rookie.
You made a near fatal error by mentioning Stiffler. The American Pie movies fucking blow. But you pulled it out of the trash.
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2008-06-13 19:43:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
All this does is bring back the memory of my daughters big party,
"Mom can I have a homecoming party?"
Me:
"Sure hon just not to many people, OK?"
She sent out FLIERS
Fliers I tell you
over 600 ppl , The whole dam High School showed up.
That was her last party at my house.
Keg stand scuff marks are still in the bathroom and that was like more than 8 years ago, they do not come off.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-06-13 18:29:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Not bad for a first post. Some good lines. And drunk + destruction is always welcome on Uber.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-06-13 18:22:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Not many people know this, but Archie Bunker used to fight crime at night. That was his superhero name - The Stifler.
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2008-06-13 17:23:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Who the fuck is Stifler?
Submitted by GangsterSquid (user info) at 2008-06-13 16:55:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Stifler is your hero?
Get a life, dumbfuck.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-06-13 16:50:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by anunusualyetwittyname (user info) at 2008-06-13 16:44:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I'm not saying I was "cool" that's just the we were.
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sympathy +2
Submitted by anunusualyetwittyname (user info) at 2008-06-13 16:45:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
fuck.
way we were. the way we were.
Submitted by anunusualyetwittyname (user info) at 2008-06-13 16:44:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I'm not saying I was "cool" that's just the we were.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-06-13 16:37:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Either way, we were going to party like Stifler. Our hero.
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That's as far as I got. Expect to see that sentence again.
Submitted by tloshjohnson (user info) at 2008-06-13 16:36:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm in a good mood and trying to avoid bartybart.