Charm, Offensive (652 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesLabels: fiction
Rating: 1.2 on 24 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Flash Harry (View user info) at 2008-06-16 09:53:39 EDT
Part 1
Irvine stood in the doorway and familiarised himself with the room. The top of the walls were neatly corniced all the way round, but the texture suggested that this was a polystyrene improvement, and not an original feature. From the centre of the high ceiling hung a faux chandelier, dangling from a thin chain. Small bulbs shone subtly from it, casting a warm and sensual glow around the bedroom.
The far wall was dominated by large bay windows, which curved outwards and afforded glorious views of the park. The thick curtains were parted, and even from a distance Irvine could see that the pleasurable landscape would be a calming and pleasant asset to wake up to every morning. In such a large city, glimpses of foliage can be rare; what a delight it must be to count such encounters as part of the daily routine.
The detective's eyes continued their brief analysis of the chamber. A silver, portable television sat on a small furniture cube in the corner. This was perched on top of a DVD player, next to a small stack of discs which had been left outside their cases. To the left was the dressing table; a wide, low bureau with two pillars of drawers around either side of an elegant stool. The mirror, which looked out onto the room, was smeared with creams, flecked with liquid and smudged by fingerprints. On the surface of the dressing table lay a mishmash of feminine vanities: GHD hair straighteners, a powerful hair-dryer and countless jars, bottles and tubs of moisturising lotions, blushing dyes and miscellaneous potions.
To the right of the bay windows sat an impressive leather chair. Wide-backed and studded, the material shone in the easy illumination cast by the chandelier. The leather was of that peculiar hue, which is at once purple and red, depending on the light. The colour had a shimmering quality, like a nice glass of Shiraz. Ornate feet protruded from the bottom, giving the impression that the chair was crouching, and ready to pounce.
On the floor next to the splendidly upholstered chair lay a small heap of strewn clothes. Crumpled denims, shirts that would need ironed again, discarded skirts, pants, dirty socks and ample brassieres.
Irvine stepped over the threshold and into the bedroom. His shoes clicked on the varnished wooden floorboards, and he spun around in a slow circle, eager to commit every corner of the space to his memory. The wall opposite the bay window was taken up almost wholly by wide, mirrored wardrobes. There were three double power sockets in the room; one electric heater; a washing basket overflowing with dirty laundry; a tasteless Vettriano print hanging proudly on the wall above the bed.
Irvine stuffed his hands deep into his pockets as he considered the bed. The focal point of the bedroom, naturally, as in most bedrooms. It was a strong, sturdy structure with thick iron legs and a sloping, mahogany headboard. It stood at no great height from the ground, but with enough room to store suitcases, shoes and cardboard boxes underneath, no doubt.
The bedsheets were pleasantly neutral. The crisp, white undersheet ought to have been stretched taught, but it had been pulled free at one corner and now lay in waves, revealing a portion of the mattress beneath. The duvet was expansive and thick, 12 togs at least. At first glance it looked as though the bed was a double; but the duvet was king-sized, so that it hung from the edge on both sides. Perfect for a couple to sleep together.
The pattern on the duvet was rather indiscernible. The predominant colour was a beige, or fawn, and there appeared to be delicately woven, patterned lines of cappuccino brown snaking across its width. These were difficult to study, however, as the duvet was wrecked with the unmistakeable crimson stain of death.
Finally, with a sigh, Irvine allowed his eyes to drop to the pitiful corpse that lay naked on the bed. It was not squeamishness, rather an attention to detail that led him to regard her last. The setting could prove as important as the victim, at times, and he had already built up a supposed profile of the dead woman before observing her lifeless body.
And only now did Irvine notice the others in the room. The forensics team, that bustled around carefully. The photographer, a grim-faced old soldier who stood to the side and snapped quietly, always adjusting his focus and lens. The female in the corner with a telephone held tightly to her face, muttering in short, sharp sentences.
"Irvine?" asked a pie-faced man with a sombre expression. He extended a hand to the newcomer, and introduced himself as Wade.
"Mmm-hmm," replied the detective. "Tell me, Wade, she has not been touched yet, has she?"
"Not since we arrived," came the assurance.
Irvine nodded, and with a raised finger asked Wade for a moment to settle the scene in his mind. The lady lay face-down on the bed, with her hands by her sides. Her legs were closed, bent at the knees and sticking out sideways at the waist. The duvet barely covered her, hanging from the bed onto the floor as it did. Her head rested on a pillow which was soaked through with blood. At first glance, her only injuries were to the head, but the wound had been opened up so ferociously that crimson streaks spattered the bed, streaked down the length of her body, and indeed extended to the floor, where it collected in sticky puddles.
"So," muttered Irvine in a husky whisper. "What's the story?"
Wade rubbed his wobbling chin and took on a sombre expression. "Well, it looks very much like a sexual attack, I'm afraid. Of course, we won't be able to verify that until we have a proper look at her, but even from here it looks like a reasonable suggestion. It's not possible to say whether or not she's been penetrated at this time, but it certainly wouldn't surprise me."
Irvine raised his eyebrows, by way of query.
"Well, she's naked, for one thing," continued Wade. "Her clothes are on the floor, piled together, so it appears as though she undressed herself without force. They aren't torn, and there are no signs of distress on them. Now, if you look just beneath her chest, there are bruises on either side or her waist, stretching up to her stomach. That could be a sign that she's been attacked, or at least that she's been roughly treated."
As for the cause of death, without knowing anything for definite at this stage, it looks as though she has been killed by severe head trauma. The headboard is smeared in blood, and it wouldn't be foolish to suggest she has been driven into it, repeatedly. Were the wood anything less substantial than mahogany, I imagine there would be severe damage to it.
It is worth mentioning, however, that there are no obvious signs of her head being manhandled; normally I would expect to see torn hair, or bruising around the neck and face to show us where the attacker gripped her."
The only other thing at this time, Irvine, is the harm done to the wall. Have a look at the area where the top of the headboard touches - see the marks? This bed has been rammed into the wall over and over again, causing severe dents and scratches. Unfortunately I wouldn't be able to say whether or not this happened recently. Perhaps these marks have been there for months."
Irvine listened to Wade's narrative with solemn interest. "Very well. I would like very much for you to establish a couple of facts for me, once you have taken her back to the mortuary." The detective held his fingers up, numbering his points off on the digits. "One: sexual activity must be determined. Two: has she any alcohol or drugs in her system. And three: was there any time difference between the attack and her death."
Wade nodded. "I don't imagine it should be too long before we move her. Will I be able to reach you at the station?"
"Certainly. I'm going there now, to interview the suspect."
"There's a suspect? Already?"
"Oh, yes. The husband, as a matter of fact. Apparently, it was he who placed the emergency call."
User Reviews
Submitted by loveinbrevity (user info) at 2008-07-21 11:23:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-06-18 04:22:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Littlebint (user info) at 2008-06-17 04:36:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"One: sexual activity must be determined. Two: has she any alcohol or drugs in her system. And three: was there any time difference between the attack and her death."
--
You realise these checks would be carried out as a matter of course anyway? So making it rather pointless him saying it. I want Taggart and not the new ones the original one, he was great.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-06-17 04:06:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Banjo: Thank-you, that is exactly what I was going for. By describing everything in fine details I hoped to give the character an analytical quality.
X54: I've always thought this was normal for quotation marks when dialogue extends over several paragraphs, but your query led me to look it up. Apparently, "if one person's speech continues for multiple paragraphs, use quotation marks at the beginning of each paragraph. Do not use quotation marks at the end of these paragraphs except the last." So I think I did it wrong.
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2008-06-16 20:27:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I enjoyed this. I was just thinking to myself that the description of the room was going on too long when out of nowhere came, "These were difficult to study, however, as the duvet was wrecked with the unmistakeable crimson stain of death." So in my opinion, the amount of description was just about right. I'm looking forward to the next installment.
A few minor observations for whatever they're worth:
"Irvine could see that the pleasurable landscape would be a calming and pleasant asset to wake up to" made me think he was moving in.
"Her legs were closed, bent at the knees and sticking out sideways at the waist." I'm afraid I need a picture to visualize this position.
Is it British to leave off opening quotes at the start of each paragraph when a single character's dialog extends over multiple paragraphs?
Submitted by MackTuesday (user info) at 2008-06-16 16:31:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Ltap: It's a tattoo of an arrow through a heart.
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2008-06-16 14:51:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-06-16 12:36:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't think it's over described. I think you were aiming to give it a forensic like feel showing that the guy observing the scene was looking at every last detail and I think that came across in the way you wrote it.
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-06-16 12:34:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked it. Your writing style is more confident and professional without much awkwardness of phrasing.
In the picture at the bottom, what is that mark on the woman's left ass-cheek?
Submitted by Mr_Trollope (user info) at 2008-06-16 12:05:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Half gay is a very simple way of defining you as being bisexual.
Just peeked at your camwhore and you resemble a young Eddie izzard.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-06-16 11:58:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Well then its a good job I'm half-gay, and don't take offence to such remarks, Trollope.
Submitted by Mr_Trollope (user info) at 2008-06-16 11:57:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
poodles are certainly gayer than cats.
even gay cats.
even gay cats wearing braces and sporting a beret.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-06-16 11:57:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-06-16 11:54:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No cat, I'm afraid. I used to have a poodle, but she passed away :o(
-------------------
My condolences on not having any bitches or pussy to speak of.
*ba-dum-ba*
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-06-16 11:54:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No cat, I'm afraid. I used to have a poodle, but she passed away :o(
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-06-16 11:53:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I would be amazed if Flash didn't own a cat. He is preceisly the kind of man that I would expect to own a cat.
Submitted by Mr_Trollope (user info) at 2008-06-16 11:40:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you have a cat?? post it, post it!!
plus 2 cat man!
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-06-16 11:39:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Mr_Trollope (user info) at 2008-06-16 16:36:20 BST (#)
Ranking: -2
Part 1? Dear me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Goodness, you are right. What was I thinking? I should've posted a picture of a cat, and indeed written the post as if I WAS the cat! Mmmmmm, wouldn't that have been clever?
Gay retal pig-fucker.
Submitted by Mr_Trollope (user info) at 2008-06-16 11:36:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Part 1? Dear me.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-06-16 11:18:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-06-16 10:07:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HA!
"shagged her brains out"
Marvellous.
twas what i thought too.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-06-16 10:53:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2008-06-16 10:43:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
A couple places where you got bogged down in vocabulary and word choice but over all, good stuff.
Keep from getting all trite and classic-trope-y with the husband-kills-and-rapes-wife storyline and you could be on to something.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-06-16 10:11:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
you could cut half of the verbiage of this and lose none of the essentials.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-06-16 10:07:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HA!
"shagged her brains out"
Marvellous.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-06-16 10:04:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I understand the need for the long descriptions, however said descriptions make reading this more burdensome.
I assume you've read the Great Gatsby, while not a bad story by any means, the over-description makes for a more difficult and unpleasant read.