The Short Biography of Dilford Tetley (693 hits)
Category: Computers & InternetRating: 1.25 on 34 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (View user info) at 2008-06-17 18:37:30 EDT
My Great-Grandfather, Dilford Tetley, was born at the age of 2 in a small basket outside Beans, Hertfordshire.
His mother was a stout woman that worked in the local lumber mill and so was his father.
Dilford's younger years were filled with innocent pastimes such as pulling the legs off snakes, and designing more efficient coathangers.
From birth, Dilford was supposed to go to Beans Municipal School for boys, Beans' premier boarding school for young men. Due to an administrative mix-up, however, at the age of 5 it so happened that he was sent to Penthurst chicken battery instead.
There began 12 years of cramped living in tier 125B of hen battery C that Dilford would often recollect as one of the harder times of his life, due to low quality hen meal and frequent bullying.
In 1914, war broke out and Dilford wasted no time in getting behind his country by forming the "Hertfordshire Hearts", a four piece boy band that travelled the county singing songs and stealing cutlery.
By 1915, however, wartime restrictions had led to skyrocketing prices in the pop music industry, and Dilford had no choice but to enlist.
Six months later Dilford shipped out to the Western Front as a paratrooper for the 1/11th airborne, and on one sunny June morning found himself dropped over a pasture near Ypres. It what was beginning to become a characteristic of Dilford's life, a slight navigational error resulted in Dilford's first two years of front line combat being fought on the German side.
When later asked about how he had not noticed earlier, he answered that, to him, all human languages sounded the same and that real linguistic variety could only be found in the realm of chickens.
This conviction may have been a result of his time spent at Penthurst chicken battery, or it may have merely been a symptom of his conservative upbringing in Beans.
In 1917 Dilford was captured by the British and successfully turned around to be facing the right way. Subsequently, he became a highly decorated soldier fighting for His Majesty's Armed Forces in France and Belgium.
Six months before the end of the war, Dilford was discharged from service due to a back injury he had incurred by wearing his vast array of medals too often.
Returning to peaceful life in England was difficult, with high unemployment and expensive chicken meal being the norm rather than the exception.
By 1921 he had found work as an anaesthetist/ jouster and fallen in love with a young lady by the name of Margeret Frond. The pair married in 1924 but Dilford promptly forgot where on Earth he had put her and the two did not meet again until three years later when she was discovered under a pile of books.
By that time, the industrial revolution was in full swing and much of England's jousting had become industrialised. As a result, Dilford lost his job and began a bitter emnity towards technology that would eventually be his downfall.
In 1927 Dilford famously proclaimed that he could "Better any automaton in the ancient and manly art of boxing". This boast resulted in, 6 months later, a fight being arranged between Dilford and a 28 tonne British Mark IV tank.
The fight was billed as the "Fight of the Century" and the "Final Showdown Between Man and God". When the two combatants took to the ring, the size difference became immediately apparent.
Dilford's back injury had caused him to hunch so that his standing height was little over four feet. Meanwhile, the gleaming Mark IV tank had only been slightly modified from its original wartime designation in the form of two boxing gloves being welded to the front of its chassis.
The actual contents of the fight vary depending on who you ask, but general consensus is that for the first three rounds Tetley was ahead on points. In the fourth round, however, the tank commander got the Mark IV into gear and Dilford was crushed underneath it.
Lying under the tank, his blood fountaining out of him, my Great-Grandfather's last words were "Oh fuck, this is terrible!"
Many different interpretations have been made of this statement. Some think he was applying his keen aesthetic eye to the tracks of the tank, and noticing how poorly the track indentations diverted liquid and provided traction.
Others think his keen economic mind had finally conceived of the trends which would finally result in the Great Depression and was trying to warn investors.
Others still think he was yelling out becuase he was being crushed to death by a huge tank.
We will never know for sure.
In any case, 3 years after his passing my Great-Grandmother became pregnant with his son, Diptheria Tetley, and the rest, as I am sure you are aware, is history.
User Reviews
Submitted by Lurby (user info) at 2008-07-05 15:31:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're sick... in a good way.
Submitted by cordelia (user info) at 2008-06-24 11:08:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You are a strange type of boy
Submitted by ILL34GL3 (user info) at 2008-06-24 06:49:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No comment.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-06-23 11:39:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
What's wrong with you?
Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2008-06-18 11:53:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-06-18 11:51:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Brilliantly random.
Submitted by Littlebint (user info) at 2008-06-18 11:46:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Brilliant
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-06-18 11:34:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
works for me
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-06-18 10:32:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Smell my tribute: http://www.ubersite.com/m/117249
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-06-18 10:19:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Clever.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-06-18 09:54:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like how it is full of lies.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2008-06-18 09:47:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-06-18 09:39:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2008-06-18 09:06:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Yawn.
Submitted by codeMunkee (user info) at 2008-06-18 09:06:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bullshit. You can't weld boxing gloves.
FAKE.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-06-18 04:28:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Lovely.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-06-18 04:07:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pythonic
Submitted by PepsiCoke (user info) at 2008-06-17 23:07:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-06-17 19:11:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
some of it was wodehousian - a splendid complement.
-------
LOL
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-06-17 21:23:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You can and usually do do better.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2008-06-17 21:07:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
not very good - tired jokes and uninspired execution of them - all in all trite. this sort of style is so well-used that to use it, you really need to try and subvert it, or otherwise make the story about something other than the nonsense in order to be interesting. yeah i sound like a tool, but a) im slepy and b) im right.
and im not even going to patronise you by comparing it to the 'rest of uber'.
though i will patronise you by saying youre of the remaining few (and shrinking) who are still an automatic click.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2008-06-17 20:42:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
drugs are bad
Submitted by WingedFoote (user info) at 2008-06-17 19:40:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very well done sir.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-06-17 19:38:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Wait a minute...
I thought he was the tea guy. Tetley Tea. http://www.TetleyUSA.com Is that not him?
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2008-06-17 19:35:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh that Dilford.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-06-17 19:11:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
i want to lavish praise on this i really do.
some of it was wodehousian - a splendid complement.
some was just cack.
this isn't an 'ubersite' rating because by uber standards this is a plus 400.
this is an honest rating from someone who rates you very highly.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-06-17 19:05:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*standing ovation*
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2008-06-17 19:04:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh fuck, this is terrible.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-06-17 18:59:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
First couple lines were fantastic.
Then you kinda shit the bed.
You are one talented cunt with them there words, though.
Submitted by TheBrad (user info) at 2008-06-17 18:58:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you make my brain hurt. And i think i like it.
Submitted by Mr_Trollope (user info) at 2008-06-17 18:57:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
especially boring history
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-06-17 18:56:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I guess I hate "history".
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-06-17 18:54:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ubersite at its finest. . .
Submitted by KirillovianShitStain (user info) at 2008-06-17 18:43:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A true American.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-06-17 18:39:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment