A Heartwarming Tale (563 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.88 on 18 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Sparxicus (View user info) at 2008-06-18 20:58:24 EDT
I put my heart in the microwave. I set it on popcorn mode, and close the door. I sit back down, breathe heavily with a sigh of relief, let my worries drift off into the still air, and cough up my own blood. Wait. Why is this happening?
Suddenly it hits me.
My heart is still in the microwave. I've totally forgotten. I run over and look in the microwave. A hamster's curious eyes greet my gaze. What the fuck?
I open the door. My heart is still in there. Close the door. Hamster. Open. Heart.
Then I get it. There's a picture of a hamster on the door of the microwave.
My knees give way, I fall down and everything goes black. Shit, my heart's still in the microwave. Fucking hamster.
Its gonna be a fucked up day.
___________________________________________________________________
Edward L. Wheater faded back into conciousness and saw the microwave flashing "End" in bright red colors. The honey brew tea must be done! He opened the microwave and poured himself some tea from the heart shaped container. The crimson color of the tea told Edward that the tea was just to his liking. He took a swig. It was fucking delicious.
Edward roared to no-one in particular. "THIS IS FUCKING DELICIOUS!" Caught up in the rush of the moment, Edward proceeded to take down his trusty shotgun down from a shelf and shot the last of an endangered species in the face. The South Australian Kangaroo Rat. He would never understand how delicious the honey brew tea was. Pity.
Taking a sheet of papyrus down from the mantle, Edward dipped his feather quill pen in ink and proceeded to write a resignation letter to his fellow scientists. He then picked up the body of the last South Australian Kangaroo Rat and let its flesh flow into his own. Edward L. Wheater's body collapsed on the floor and from his body, emerged a glowing, golden kangaroo rat.
Edward, reborn as this angelic kangaroo rat, jumped up on the ledge that held the mug of honey brew tea. Lowering himself slowly into the mug, he immersed himself in the scent and flavor of the tea. He let it overwhelm his senses. It really was fucking delicious. Deciding that he had had enough of the tea, Edward floated out the doorway, playing riffs on a guitar that he had apparently obtained in the mug.
Weaving and floating through the science observation tents that his comrades had set up in this lonely corner of the Australian outback, Edward floated toward his main assistant and confidante, Potito Starache. Edward floated down and perched on Potito's shoulder. Potito turned in response to the weight on his shoulder, expecting to find a broken twig or leaf. Instead he was greeted by a glowing kangaroo rat shredding a Wave Machine Guitar.
Although Potito initially freaked the FUCK out, he realized that his situation was most rare. And together with his fellow scientists, in that lonely corner of the Australian outback, Potito Starache seized the day and had a most awesome dance party.
NIAAOOO NIAOOOO NIAOAOOOO (the guitar slowly fades out)
User Reviews
Submitted by MackTuesday (user info) at 2008-06-19 17:54:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking hamster.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-06-19 15:06:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-06-19 12:23:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I read this a while ago, I thought it was brilliant.
I don't like your user name though.
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2008-06-19 12:20:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this post changed my perception of reality.
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-06-19 10:36:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-06-19 09:38:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bonkers
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2008-06-19 09:55:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked this bit...
I put my heart in the microwave. I set it on popcorn mode, and close the door. I sit back down, breathe heavily with a sigh of relief, let my worries drift off into the still air, and cough up my own blood. Wait. Why is this happening?
Suddenly it hits me.
My heart is still in the microwave. I've totally forgotten. I run over and look in the microwave. A hamster's curious eyes greet my gaze. What the fuck?
I open the door. My heart is still in there. Close the door. Hamster. Open. Heart.
Then I get it. There's a picture of a hamster on the door of the microwave.
My knees give way, I fall down and everything goes black. Shit, my heart's still in the microwave. Fucking hamster.
Its gonna be a fucked up day.
- But you lost me after that, I like the randomness but.... What the fuck?
Off you clusterfuck.
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2008-06-19 09:49:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Didn't even get past the line.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-06-19 09:38:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bonkers
Submitted by GangsterSquid (user info) at 2008-06-19 09:30:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by AyeCarumba (user info) at 2008-06-19 08:18:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My heart was warmed, it did what it said on the tin.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-06-19 07:59:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-06-18 23:42:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
When you got something THAT good to smoke, you s'posed ta share!
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-06-18 23:42:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
When you got something THAT good to smoke, you s'posed ta share!
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2008-06-18 22:18:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
microwaves cause cancer.
Submitted by Falafel (user info) at 2008-06-18 22:11:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Hahaha mad libs?
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-06-18 21:31:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No. I tried again. It's not the whiskey. It may be that I am just generally dense, however.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-06-18 21:28:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I read it three times, and just got more confused with each reading. I guess that's something. Could just be the whiskey, though.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-06-18 21:15:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
spiffing
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-06-18 21:02:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This happies me.