First Contect with God (418 hits)
Category: NoneRating: -1.4 on 12 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Kirillovian_Shit_Stain (View user info) at 2008-06-19 05:38:19 EDT
I had some serious cereal that morning. I went to church, but I didn't feel right.
The priest's face looked like it was on fire, and I wanted to use that to set fire to the spires that reach up to God. The fire would have been so great that God's beard would have started to burn, and the smell would have killed all the angels, and they would have fallen from the sky. Such a pleasant rain. The sinning angelic ones, as they go to hell, will make a rain that will rival Spring.
The voice that comes to me in my most theoretical moments decided to make an appearance as the thoughts of sacrilegious arson drifted through my head.
"You... you... you fucking liar!" He yelled so loudly at me that I let out a yelp.
"Why would I lie?" I stood my ground.
"You are. You do. Typical. Prove it. Doubt it. Typical. All the days." There was no reasoning with him today. Even my inner demons defile themselves.
"You don't even look like me, Duke Von Duckdualfuck." I called the demon by his real name and rank in the legion, and the sudden invocation of his master's crew made him stop for a moment.
As the priest rambled on about Jesus, while secretly eyeing my five sons, the demon planted into my head a vision.
God and Lucifer were having a conversation. While they spoke, the vast expanses of space and time flew past them. The universe was focusing on something. A Golden Galaxy, where the Titans stride. The vision was over, and within seconds I was overcome by hysterical laughter which caused me to piss and shit my pants. The piss watered the shit, and a plethora of flowers began to grow. They grew so fast, and once they breached the crotch, the presence of God filled the church. At that moment, nothing else mattered. We were all filled with a sense of purpose. The women cried silently.
From the flowers there grew various fruits. The fruit of knowledge, among them. An apparition of Isaac Newton appeared beside the priest. There was a grim look of determination on his face. He lifted his hand, and the apple fell from the tree. This time nobody touched it. I could feel the wings poke out of my shirt. The apple was left on the ground to rot in the sun that shown threw the stain glass window.
User Reviews
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-06-19 10:23:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Crack is bad for you.
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2008-06-19 10:09:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Quit while you're ahe.....just quit.
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2008-06-19 09:13:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
As much as I enjoyed reading this I was laughing at you not with you.
A good idea is to read stuff through before you post it.
Off you fuck....
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-06-19 08:36:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You make baby jesus weep.
Submitted by AyeCarumba (user info) at 2008-06-19 08:03:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Didn't like this, sorry.
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2008-06-19 07:33:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
God told me he hates misspelling. In any form.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-06-19 07:10:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Sorry mate but this was complete gibberish.
Submitted by KirillovianShitStain (user info) at 2008-06-19 06:23:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Shit. Contect. That's sucks. Oh well. Too late.
Submitted by Mr_Trollope (user info) at 2008-06-19 06:20:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-06-19 06:20:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
'Contect'?
And surely muesli is the most solemn of the cereal world.
Submitted by KirillovianShitStain (user info) at 2008-06-19 05:59:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I don't think hope will be necessary. Thanks!
Submitted by Littlebint (user info) at 2008-06-19 05:53:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The only real hope left is that you are sterile and unable to breed.