The Colonels last mission (813 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.01 on 46 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by LittleBint (View user info) at 2008-06-20 05:27:51 EDT
"So there I was, in the middle of nowhere, with this syphilitic Nigerian whore. Well I did what any man would do given the situation I got right down on it."
"Nice Colonel."
"Yeah! So a few minutes later and I'm balls deep in the gaping chasm of this bitch with a poncho on my cock when all of a sudden..."
"Excuse me Sir, I hate to interrupt."
"What is it Mustafa? It's just getting to the good bit."
"I know Sir, I'm sorry, it is my particular favourite of your Africa stories but I have something for you."
"What is it?"
"Well it's a package Sir, maybe it is one of those top secret messages that you have talked about?"
"God I hope not. I'm hoping it's my god damned incontinence pants that I ordered. 3 fucking months I've been waiting for those bastards. Give it over then man."
"Yes Sir. Here it is."
A package the size of a small laptop slides onto the table.
"Crap! That is definitely not my pants. Well I best take this away and have a look at it boys, be seeing you."
The colonel staggers out of the bar and wanders back to his hotel room, urinating twice on the 5 minute journey. Throwing open his door he grabs the whisky bottle from the bed side table and sits down on the bed. Opening the package he sees that it is indeed a laptop. He takes a long swig from the bottle and opens the computer, which immediately springs into life.
Half a bottle of whisky, and 3 minutes later, the laptop has finished its loading sequence and a male voice emanates from it:
"Good morning. Please stand by for retinal identification scan."
"Cool."
"When we say stand by we kind of mean for you to lean forward and look at the screen so we can scan you."
"Okay."
The Colonel holds up the computer unsteadily and stares at the screen,
"Commencing scan."
Lights flash and the Colonels arms start to shake and his eyes start to water.
"Unable to confirm retinal scan. Switching to finger print identification. Please place the palm of your hands on the key board."
He places his hands on the keyboard and red lights appear underneath.
"Identification confirmed. Good Morning Colonel."
"Hi."
"This is a message from 'The World Against Terror Society'. We need you Colonel."
"TWATS? You fuckers can kiss my ass. You discarded me 5 years ago like a used tampon."
"We know Sir and we apologise, but we really need you."
"Why?"
"Because you're the 'Best'."
"Not what you said last time. You said that other guy was the 'Best' and not me."
"I know, we feel bad about that, if it's any consolation it turns out he isn't the 'Best' after all, you are."
"How come?"
"He's dead. This makes you the 'Best' again."
"How dead is dead?"
"Oh he's real dead."
"Really?"
"Oh yeah, we have parts of him in some jars if you'd like to see them?"
"No that's okay. So what do you want of me?"
"We need you for one last mission. Very dangerous, we've already lost one agent; well we found most of him but not all together if you know what I mean."
"Sounds like my kind of deal."
"Excellent. All the information you need is on this computer, if you could have a quick look at it and get on your way that would be great."
"Okay I will read it in a while, may take me the rest of the day."
"Sorry Sir, you don't have that long."
"Why?"
"Well because this computer will self destruct in a few minutes."
"What?"
"Yeah you know the rules, 'No Trace'."
"Son, do you have any Idea the effect that 5 years of drinking nothing but Whisky has on the mind?"
"Okay Sir. Well if you look at the keyboard you will see a big red button with 'Print' on it. Press that and it should all print out for you."
"Excellent. Thanks."
"And now this message will explode."
"What? Right now?"
"Well in a moment, yes."
"So I should step away from it."
"Probably a good idea Sir yes."
"How big is the explosion?"
"I'm not sure; I've never seen it happen as I'm always pre-recorded."
"Pre-recorded? How can that be? You've been answering my questions."
"Oh that's easy. We just know you very well."
"Really?
"Yes. We have a complete conversational profile of you, hence why I am so good."
"So you know what I'm going to say?"
"Pretty much."
"Porcupine."
"They are rodents with a coat of sharp spines that defend them from predators."
"Wow. Duck Billed Platypus."
"A Semi-aquatic mammal from eastern Australia. It is one of the five extant species of monotremes, mammals that lay eggs."
"Cool. My mother was a Whore in a Middle Eastern Tavern run by militants resolved to destroy the world with exploding cows."
"Now really Sir, this is going to explode, and your mother was not a whore she was an Amish woman who loved nothing more than knitting and whittling wood whilst watching the men put up barns."
"Okay."
"Good luck on your mission Sir."
"Thanks."
A small poof is heard and a wisp of smoke comes out the back of the computer.
"Shit! I forgot to press print."
"We knew you would, that's why we took the liberty of printing out and placing it in your beside table for you. Please start paying more attention Sir. Goodbye."
The computer explodes leaving nothing but dust and a rather large hole in the bed.
The colonel steps over to the bedside table and takes out the sheets of paper.
"Right back to the bar to read this shit."
User Reviews
Submitted by woolfe (user info) at 2008-06-23 10:43:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-06-20 23:33:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
this wasn't bad, though i wish you had done more with it. the convo bit was engaging, but beyond that it didn't seem to do much.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-06-20 21:36:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-06-20 11:19:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Littlebint, almost as whiny as Rob_Berg.
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See?
It's uncanny. From now on can you also think about me naked? Maybe even taking a giant dump in your mouth?
And Littlebint - don't worry, I'm not especially whiny either... it just seems to give this particular nerd some kind of satisfaction to read these little black and white words with an inner bitchy narrative.
Actually that goes for a lot of the dorks on this site. Helps them to manufacture drama, I suppose.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-06-20 21:23:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Littlebint (user info) at 2008-06-20 11:22:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-06-20 11:19:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Littlebint, almost as whiny as Rob_Berg.
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I dont see anything whinny about my comments Hurt. I dont cry and wail when you drop your impotent - ratings.
The other great thing about Uber Fishing is that some Tiddlers just keep comming back, its humane fishing you see. we dont just beat them over the head and keep them in a bucket, we release them to swim free.
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Whinny? Comming?? Jesus Christ, go back to the third grade and hang with Method and Shlongy.
You are all at the same educational level, which means SEVERELY retarded!!
Submitted by MackTuesday (user info) at 2008-06-20 16:42:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Cute.
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-06-20 16:24:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'll take it or leave it, you could have done a lot more with this. Its well written and the conversation was engaging but there's just not enough story for me. You could tell you were getting bored towards the end.
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2008-06-20 15:34:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2008-06-20 15:02:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
listen so I just got my wisdom teeth pulled right and I was sucking on a mint and it just slipped into one of the gaping fleshy gum holes in the back of my mouth and now I can't get it out
minty fresh, though
like this.
Submitted by Mr_Trollope (user info) at 2008-06-20 13:11:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-06-20 11:19:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Littlebint, almost as whiny as Rob_Berg.
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Why do you always refer to this Rob_berg?
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-06-20 12:07:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-06-20 11:56:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked it.
Submitted by Littlebint (user info) at 2008-06-20 11:22:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-06-20 11:19:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Littlebint, almost as whiny as Rob_Berg.
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I dont see anything whinny about my comments Hurt. I dont cry and wail when you drop your impotent - ratings.
The other great thing about Uber Fishing is that some Tiddlers just keep comming back, its humane fishing you see. we dont just beat them over the head and keep them in a bucket, we release them to swim free.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-06-20 11:19:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Littlebint, almost as whiny as Rob_Berg.
Submitted by Littlebint (user info) at 2008-06-20 10:51:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-06-20 10:44:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I seem to be a big hit with the Scots contingent here, it's great.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Its understandable, surely. We are intimidated by abundant talent, fertile imagination and rapier wit.
We like our wummin dumb, obedient and down-trodden.
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This is how easy Uber Fishing is. Just throw out some key little comments and wait, 9 times out of 10 you are sure to catch a Tiddler.
As to your sarcastic retort Bell Boy the fact that you find my stuff none of what you are after begs the question why you bother opening them up at all, or do you like to carry forth your dissapointment at waking and finding yourself still you into your working day?
Submitted by Cyrus (user info) at 2008-06-20 10:45:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2008-06-20 07:58:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Not bad, made me think of the Naked Gun for some reason...
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I was picturing the sloshed/story-telling British RAF Major from The Mummy
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-06-20 10:44:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I seem to be a big hit with the Scots contingent here, it's great.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Its understandable, surely. We are intimidated by abundant talent, fertile imagination and rapier wit.
We like our wummin dumb, obedient and down-trodden.
Submitted by Littlebint (user info) at 2008-06-20 10:40:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-06-20 10:38:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Mr_Trollope (user info) at 2008-06-20 15:32:08 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2008-06-20 10:30:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Dull.
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you are a fucking homo
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No. Just Scottish.
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I seem to be a big hit with the Scots contingent here, it's great.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-06-20 10:38:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Mr_Trollope (user info) at 2008-06-20 15:32:08 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2008-06-20 10:30:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Dull.
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you are a fucking homo
--------------
No. Just Scottish.
Submitted by DasHeer (user info) at 2008-06-20 10:36:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Mr_Trollope (user info) at 2008-06-20 10:32:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2008-06-20 10:30:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Dull.
------
you are a fucking homo
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2008-06-20 10:30:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Dull.
Submitted by Littlebint (user info) at 2008-06-20 10:18:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Tell him to go to the boat yard himself, stupid idea to be boat yarding on a friday afternoon.
Dont you live on a boat IN a boat yard? If thats the case tell him you have already done your boat yard bit for the day and sod off to the pub!
Problems solved.
Yummy cream tea followed by pubage sounds good.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-06-20 10:10:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
pffffft. 33 is fine. pointless trying to be someones ideal. They catch on in the end anyway, so you may aswell save the time and heartache and be happy in the meanwhile. Then again I'm terrible at relationships and such like, so pay no heed to anything I say.
Well, Exeter managed to keep thier trrorist quiet. I guess because it's a bit embarrassing having produced someone so woefully incapable. Sad times.
Afternoon tea time. Line stomach with cream cake and retire to the pub.
*insert the worst swearing you can think of*
I just got a message saying the contractor will be late and to hang on before pub time as we need to visit a boat yard. WHY?! IT'S FRIDAY MAN!!!
Submitted by Littlebint (user info) at 2008-06-20 09:59:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-06-20 09:53:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What terrorist attack?!?! I didn't hear anything about this?
Exeter = nice place. Can't fault it. Well, that's not true, but it's still very nice.
I was quite a bit further down the coast.
You married? Lesbo (i'm not against that)? Are you old enough to be my mum? Have you always lived there?
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Hahahahahahaha That made me laugh, the Lesbo bit, made me think of my father. The worry he shows on his face because I havent married yet and brought him Grandchildren.
I'm only 33 so time yet. Nearly Married once but decided that I would rather find pleasure in an innanimate object rather than become his 'Ideal' wife. I was young and he was after something I wasnt going to be.
There are lots to find fault about in Exeter, but a lot worse places to be.
The terrorist attack was a few weeks ago, some chap from plymouth, who was not the complete Picnic, was convinced that Exeter would be a perfect target to go blow up. Off he went with his backpack full of nail bombs. I dont know if it was his target but he ended up letting the detonator go off in the Giraffe restaurant causing iunjuries to only him. Exeter gets shut down, offices evacuated, sad lonely women stand near the cordons looking at firemen and policemen in their uniforms until its was time to go home.
Gripping really.,
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-06-20 09:53:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What terrorist attack?!?! I didn't hear anything about this?
Exeter = nice place. Can't fault it. Well, that's not true, but it's still very nice.
I was quite a bit further down the coast.
You married? Lesbo (i'm not against that)? Are you old enough to be my mum? Have you always lived there?
Submitted by Littlebint (user info) at 2008-06-20 09:44:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-06-20 09:38:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fair enough LB. Where abouts in Devon. I used to live that way. Nice place.
Must be hard working for that cause in Devon, seeing as there are no homes anywhere. Except maybe plymouth, but that's because they keep culling the population with knives and hand guns around muttley (or what ever it's called).
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The self styled Capital of Devon. Its nice. Lunch on the cathedral green whilst watching the mutants roll around on their backs, apart from today of course where I had to stare out the window.
It can be a great job when you find someone somewhere that is right for them and you see, or hear, how happy they are. Othertimes you wonder why you do it, but that is like most things in life I suppose.
Anyway Devon is on the Map now Monster Lady, we've had a terrorist attack and everything. National Lampoons Al-Qaeda Holiday to Exeter.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-06-20 09:38:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fair enough LB. Where abouts in Devon. I used to live that way. Nice place.
Must be hard working for that cause in Devon, seeing as there are no homes anywhere. Except maybe plymouth, but that's because they keep culling the population with knives and hand guns around muttley (or what ever it's called).
Submitted by Littlebint (user info) at 2008-06-20 09:34:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Well I'm not all that tall and I can be a bit of a bitch sometimes, but normally only when provoked. I'm from Oxford but live in Devon and I work for a charity that deals with housing. All very sweet and nice.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-06-20 09:22:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Littlebint (user info) at 2008-06-20 09:11:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-06-20 07:43:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This really does deserve a better rating. Well...I think so anyway.
I don't think my opinion counts any more though.
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Dont worry Monster Lady. I dont think anyones does around here, well bar a few that think theirs do.
But dont let it bother you. Just think it is friday, the weather is shit, the pubs are open and warm, and warm arms are ready to hold us until we fall asleep. Great!
___
It doesn't bother me at all. Because you are right! Happy days indeed. Why do you have the user name littlebint? It suggets you're not very nice. I think you have some great ideas. Pub time? where do you work? What do you do? Where are you from? I got half an hour to kill until it's play time. Let me be nosey.
Submitted by Littlebint (user info) at 2008-06-20 09:11:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-06-20 07:43:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This really does deserve a better rating. Well...I think so anyway.
I don't think my opinion counts any more though.
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Dont worry Monster Lady. I dont think anyones does around here, well bar a few that think theirs do.
But dont let it bother you. Just think it is friday, the weather is shit, the pubs are open and warm, and warm arms are ready to hold us until we fall asleep. Great!
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2008-06-20 07:58:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Not bad, made me think of the Naked Gun for some reason...
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-06-20 07:44:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nope. See. It doesn't.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-06-20 07:43:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This really does deserve a better rating. Well...I think so anyway.
I don't think my opinion counts any more though.
Submitted by Littlebint (user info) at 2008-06-20 07:35:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Oops! Typo below
Wait for it.
Submitted by Littlebint (user info) at 2008-06-20 07:32:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
What a suprise.
Next!
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2008-06-20 07:30:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Meh.
Submitted by Mr_Trollope (user info) at 2008-06-20 06:25:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ok i guess
Submitted by Littlebint (user info) at 2008-06-20 06:10:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
camwhore? Where Sexual my good man?
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2008-06-20 06:07:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was fun.
I would be a fan of yours Littlebint, had i not seen your camwhore. Yuk.
Submitted by Littlebint (user info) at 2008-06-20 06:06:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Not an Insult Bell boy, just a statement of fact really. Also you should know that there is nothing original on the internet these days, so people keep saying, so the lack of original content shouldnt be all that shocking.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-06-20 05:51:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by Littlebint (user info) at 2008-06-20 10:44:40 BST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-06-20 05:40:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Pretty underwhelming
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Must be like looking in the mirror then.
~~~~~~~~~~
And it turns out your insults are even less imaginative than your post. 'Good one.'
Submitted by Littlebint (user info) at 2008-06-20 05:46:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-06-20 05:39:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very good. Will there be more?
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Thank you. And probably not as my attention span seems to flit about these days and I will very quickly tire of what I am doing and.......Oh look a butterfly
Submitted by Littlebint (user info) at 2008-06-20 05:44:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-06-20 05:40:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Pretty underwhelming
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Must be like looking in the mirror then.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-06-20 05:40:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Pretty underwhelming.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-06-20 05:39:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very good. Will there be more?
Submitted by DanielJackings (user info) at 2008-06-20 05:37:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny