I'm Differant And Thats Why My Wife's Boss Thinks I Punch Her Around The Kitchen (1460 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.77 on 53 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (View user info) at 2008-06-23 17:26:31 EDT
"Marry me, nigger."
That succinct message was written in a nice little script on a card that was held by a mini teddy bear I gave to my wife in the basement of her Grandmother's house. In the box was not a yellow gold and diamond ring, but a white gold aquamarine. Not your traditional proposal but everyone is different.
No big revelation there, right? The problem arises when most people try and find a guy or girl they want to settle down with.
Say you chew with your mouth open and everyone around you wants to choke the fucking life out of your cud chewing body. If you find a person that is either blissfully unaware of your annoying habit or at the very least moderately tolerant of it, you should probably keep them around.
I would never try and describe myself as a "catch" because there are very few people who could tolerate my personality traits. I'm pretty much one of the biggest assholes you would ever meet and most people can't handle me in large doses.
When meeting new people I pretty much have to keep a muzzle on myself because I will probably end up saying something offensive to someone. A few years ago when meeting my friend's new college friends I dropped a cerebral palsy comment in comparison to something. I felt my shin get busted under the table and a girl started crying. It turns out this was another social faux pas that I am uncannily able to whip out at any given moment. Have a retarded relative? I'll probably say something about retards. Do you have herpes? I can almost guarantee an STD crack coming your way.
Even when I think I'll be in the clear for me to speak my mind or just be myself I can get into some sort of trouble. My wife and I have a very raw relationship with each other. Whatever we are thinking we say and we say it without hesitation. If anyone outside of immediate family saw how we acted in our house they would probably have us committed. Unfortunately, I made the mistake of taking that raw and unfiltered interaction out of the house and into the corporate world.
Like every guy, I struggle whenever Valentine's Day roles around to come up with something caring yet original. I know my wife likes flowers, but I hate giving roses like some fucking yutz who gets his ideas out of "A Complete Idiot's Guide to Romance" or some stupid Maxim column.
I settled on some nice two tone tulips in a classy vase that wasn't red and didn't have little fucking hearts all over them. There are two things my wife hates that most women love; hearts and diamonds. The only thing that was left was to fill out was the card, my specialty.
What to put...what to put...
"My love for you is like diarrhea, I can't hold it in."
Nah. Not good enough.
"It's a good thing we're married, because then it isn't rape."
Ok, but maybe a little to strong on Valentine's Day.
"I love you bitch, don't ever fucking question that."
Bingo. Classy and an inside joke. Thanks, crazy Atmosphere rap.
I checked out and did something that most everyone does. I sent the flowers to her work. Everything would have been fine except for the fact that the day the flowers arrived, the school was closed and only essential personnel were there to receive the package. They left it in her department's mail bin and who other should pick up the mail that morning than her boss. Her female boss.
The awkwardness level that my wife described to me was off the scale when she was summoned to her boss' office to pick up her flowers. They were already taken out of their box and on display. As my wife read the card and then looked back at her boss, she found herself on the receiving end of a...disapproving look. To make matters even worse the next day or so my wife somehow bruised her arm pretty badly and hadn't noticed. It was brought to her attention by, you guessed it, her boss.
Its been a few months now and no police have been sitting outside my house but the first time I saw her boss after that little debacle I could feel her sizing me up.
Everything has turned out fine and now my wife and I laugh about it like so many other things. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a chicken pot pie I need to have made for me.
<cracks knuckles>
User Reviews
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2008-07-23 08:55:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Or maybe next time I bruise myself or burn myself while taking things out of the oven without hot pads, I can just say, "BUT HE LOVES ME!" when she gives me that look.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2008-07-23 08:48:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I never rated this????
You forgot about how I was looking at that domestic abuse hotline poster in the ladies' room when she walked in, too.
I think I'm going to tell her that you aren't happy when I come home late from work...maybe I'll be able to get out of here on time if she thinks you're going to beat the shit out of me. Hahahaha!
Good times.
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2008-07-19 23:41:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is why I make out with both of you at all available opportunities.
In other news, said oppotunities are LIMITED, get the fuck up here you assholes!
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2008-06-26 14:00:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're so obviously gay. It's cool that your wife is okay with it though.
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2008-06-25 14:33:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My love for you is like diarrhea, I can't hold it in
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2008-06-25 14:24:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahaha.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2008-06-25 05:36:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2008-06-24 22:59:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2008-06-24 18:37:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
STFU N00B
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2008-06-24 17:10:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Good one, Congo. You international married nerd.
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2008-06-24 15:35:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2008-06-24 14:19:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-06-24 13:56:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"To make matters even worse the next day or so my wife somehow bruised her arm pretty badly and hadn't noticed..."
--
HAHAHAHAHA!!!
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-06-24 13:24:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2008-06-24 09:36:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
People that knew us well laughed their asses off at the spurious thought that the chef would hurt me but when we went out together he got looks of death from random individuals we passed grocery shopping or dining out. It was the best entertainment EVAR.
===
When I was about 8, my parents were blindsided by a hit and run drunk driver. They were really banged up, it was frightening. My dad's knees smashed into the steering column, so he was on crutches, and my mom's face hit the windshield so she had a swollen face, a black eye, and had to wear a patch while it healed. I remember her being nervous while walking down the aisle at church, she later said 'Oh my god..they all think you hit me with your crutches!"
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-06-24 13:11:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-06-24 12:38:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2008-06-24 12:26:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That diarrhea line is good. Real good. I'll have to remember that one, use it liberally, and claim I made it up.
Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2008-06-24 11:55:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2008-06-24 10:44:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Atmosphere helps me too.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2008-06-24 10:37:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Classic uber right here
Submitted by congo (user info) at 2008-06-24 10:10:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great post, but don't you ever get tired of camwhoring?
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2008-06-24 09:44:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I WILL be using that card phrase. Pure gold.
This describes me too...
When meeting new people I pretty much have to keep a muzzle on myself because I will probably end up saying something offensive to someone. A few years ago when meeting my friend's new college friends I dropped a cerebral palsy comment in comparison to something. I felt my shin get busted under the table and a girl started crying. It turns out this was another social faux pas that I am uncannily able to whip out at any given moment. Have a retarded relative? I'll probably say something about retards. Do you have herpes? I can almost guarantee an STD crack coming your way.
Jew jokes and Cancer jokes get me into SO much trouble.
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2008-06-24 09:36:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And now it's story time. 6months into my 1st pregnancy, I was laying on the couch trying to nap when 2 of my psychotic cats ran into the room. The first cleared the couch with no issue. The second missed his jump and landed back claw just above my right eye. When I finally got the bleeding to stop it was clear stitches were necessary and called the chef to take me in to the ER. Once there he had to with stand nasty looks from every hospital worker that walked by as the black eye I received from the impact of a 15lb cat bloomed under the harsh hospital lighting. The looks of disbelief at my story just ground it in even more. The chef and I laughed it off after we left and it became an ongoing joke that the chef "beat his pregnant wife" for the next 2 weeks as the stitches and shiner healed. People that knew us well laughed their asses off at the spurious thought that the chef would hurt me but when we went out together he got looks of death from random individuals we passed grocery shopping or dining out. It was the best entertainment EVAR.
Tune in next time to find out how hard it is to handle crutches when you're 8 months preg and trying to keep a 2yr old out of trouble on Awkward Moments of the Maternally Inclined.
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2008-06-24 09:08:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for the "fuck you" to the diamond industry.
+2 for such a loving note to your wife, much on par with what the chef would say to me.
+2 for making her boss think you were abusing her.
+2 for giving me the relief that the chef and I aren't the only relationship where the frank attitude with each other scares the hell out of the rest of the populace
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2008-06-24 08:14:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That picture says it all.
Fuckin' awesome
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-06-24 08:11:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-06-24 04:28:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Cooler than the other side of the pillow.
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2008-06-24 03:43:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
that picture looks alot (dead on) like my neighbour.
send her boss some flowers with a card saying
"you're next!"
signed; childhatingwifebeater
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2008-06-24 00:57:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
aww
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-06-24 00:55:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
read this earlier and didn't rate.
the first three words were enough though.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2008-06-23 23:11:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
STFU Bubba.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-06-23 21:57:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by PepsiCoke (user info) at 2008-06-23 19:14:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Learn to fucking spell. Honestly, every one of your posts looks like it was written by a second grader. If they were good posts I wouldn't care, but as it stands you sound like a tard.===============
Fuck you, PepsiCoke. I've read your posts, and you're no Donkey.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2008-06-23 20:40:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I believe that it's never a good idea to masturbate with the door open.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2008-06-23 20:38:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2008-06-23 19:34:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're going to have to play a lot of video games to work off a chicken pot pie
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2008-06-23 19:20:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Boo fucking hoo. You kill me with your -2 and harsh criticisms. Faggot.
Submitted by PepsiCoke (user info) at 2008-06-23 19:14:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Learn to fucking spell. Honestly, every one of your posts looks like it was written by a second grader. If they were good posts I wouldn't care, but as it stands you sound like a tard.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-06-23 18:34:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your wife is Teh Hotness.
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2008-06-23 18:29:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I am Hookhand and I approve of this post
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2008-06-23 18:00:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2008-06-23 17:32:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Yes, different in spelled incorrectly. I guess the irony was lost.
---------------------------
I didn't read it. I saw the title and the misspellings were jarring. The 2's are for name recognition.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-06-23 17:56:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Living the dream.
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2008-06-23 17:54:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2008-06-23 17:47:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I saw the title and knew it was you. I was so hoping it would be about the flowers. You never disappoint.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2008-06-23 17:46:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I didn't have to read past the first three words
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-06-23 17:42:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you sound just like me.
that's why i'm keeping hold of the jew.
Submitted by PayMeLater (user info) at 2008-06-23 17:36:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Diarrhea is hard to spell.
But easy to smell.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-06-23 17:35:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice "last line", Howie.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2008-06-23 17:34:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2008-06-23 17:32:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Yes, different in spelled incorrectly. I guess the irony was lost.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-06-23 17:32:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll trade two full sized pigs and my milking cow for your first daughter.
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-06-23 17:30:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
HOT!
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2008-06-23 17:30:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Thats
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2008-06-23 17:29:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Differant