The Temples of Uber (1126 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.67 on 65 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by X54 (View user info) at 2008-06-24 23:48:34 EDT
And the trolls shall inherit the Web
His hand trembling with excitement, the N00b positioned the cursor over the Hook me up! button and clicked his mouse. Sharing his deeply personal story with his fellow artists on Uber filled him with excitement and a sense of camaraderie. Exhausted but happy, he leaned back in his chair, anticipating their words of praise and encouragement, their constructive criticism of this, his First Post.
A blinding flash of light and a noise like thunder bowled him over backward in his chair. The sensation of falling gripped him and everything went pitch black. He screamed as his life flashed before his eyes. With a terrific jolt, he slammed down onto something hard and unforgiving.
When he came to he found himself lying on a damp stone floor. Struggling to his knees, he saw that he was in a smoky torchlit temple. Ominous figures clad in black robes surrounded him, their angry stares burning like surgical lasers.
The N00b's quavering voice echoed thinly off the cold marble walls, "Who are you?"
"STFU, N00b!" boomed a harsh voice. "We are the Priests of the Temples of Uber. All the gifts of prose are held within our walls."
"Uber," he whispered, straining to recall what had happened. "I posted my story."
"Yes, we know," they shouted in chorus. "It's nothing new. You're just an emo fag."
"But, it's about me. About how reading Harry Potter helped me through the most difficult time of my life. Dumbledore--he's gay, isn't he?"
Minus twos rained down from all directions, their needle points skewering his fragile ego. He covered his head in his arms and whimpered. When at last the storm subsided, he peeked out between his fingers. "Did you even read it?"
"WTF," they yelled. "We're not reading all that."
Indignation eclipsed the N00b's terror. How could they give him minus twos without even reading his work? "I hereby no longer care about the score," he announced, climbing to his feet. "Flame away, flamers. I'll find the substance that the people who aren't total tools give me regardless, so we're all happy."
They shrieked with laughter and hurled another barrage of minus twos. Then, from deep within the temple there echoed the sound of heavy shuffling footsteps. The priests parted to make way. A rancid smell of garbage and semen filled the air. The N00b strained to see into the murky darkness. A blackrobed figure, taller than the others, stepped from the shadows. Leprosy rotted its leering face. Thick ropes of snot dangled from its nostrils. Huge black flies and beetles swarmed around it. It stared balefully down at the N00b with hideous bloodshot eyes.
Knees trembling, the N00b tried to put on a brave face. "Are you going to critique my story?"
The figure opened its robe, exposing its filthy naked body. With one hand it caressed rows of glowing minus twos sheathed in scabbards. With the other it feverishly stroked its enormous deformed cock. It stepped closer, positioning the head of its erect penis just inches from the N00b's face. Lips and a mouth at the very tip of its dick said to the N00b, "Critique of you: You're a fucking zero. Critique of your writing: It sucks dick, like you." The words spewed hot and sticky from the dick's mouth. "HOPE YOU ENJOYED MY CRITIQUE!"
The N00b fell to his knees, wiping his face with his hands. The other priests cheered, "Classic Shlongy!"
"Tie a rope around your neck and pull it tight," said Shlongy.
"No," cried the N00b. "Please--I only wanted to share my story. I know that it will reach you."
"No one gives a fuck, Sparky. You suck."
The N00b fell prostrate before the terrible figure. He felt himself losing consciousness as a heavy foot crushed his chest. "HOW DARE YOU ASSUME THAT SHLONGY GIVES A FUCK."
When he came to it was dark. As his eyes adjusted he saw that he was lying on a soft cloud floating high in the midnight sky. A dreamy winged figure looked down on him.
"Who are you?" asked the N00b.
"I am Rob Berg, the Oracle. Come with me now. See how Uber was meant to be." He extended a hand. The N00b felt himself lifted as Rob Berg flapped his heavy wings. They glided down into the past. The N00b saw the works of serious writers posted on the front page. "They left our site long ago," said Rob Berg. "The Elder Race still learn and grow."
The N00b was overwhelmed with wonder and understanding as he read the ancient posts. Incredible beauty and pureness of spirit shone through the prose of gifted men and women. He found a completely different website, one which had been crushed long ago by the priests. He saw how meaningless Uber had become.
"Someday they will return home to tear the temples down," said Rob Berg. Then he flew away and disappeared (almost).
The N00b drifted off to sleep, filled with longing to be part of such a website.
He awoke with the sun blazing hot in his eyes, the furious clatter of a keyboard in his ears. A figure sat leaning against the trunk of an apple tree, typing on a laptop computer. The Temples of Uber gleamed in the distance.
He peered at the figure under the apple tree, straining to make it out in the dark shade. He crawled across the grass and saw that it was a man, although oddly enough he couldn't tell if he was old or young, handsome or ugly, or anything about him. He was unquantifiable.
Peering over the man's shoulder, the N00b saw his own post on the laptop. "My story!" he gasped.
The man tapped his touchpad and a shiny plus one bounced off the N00b's shoulder like a freshly minted Sacagawea dollar. "Not bad," said the man. "That part about Dumbledore didn't really work for me, but this wasn't bad at all. Keep at it." Then he went back to his typing. Plus twos fluttered down like colorful butterflies and lit on the brim of his Indiana Jones hat. The man ignored them. Then a volley of minus twos whistled in like flechettes from a 90mm antipersonnel round. The N00b leapt back. "I'm just leading them on to increase my hit count," said the man with an unconcerned grin.
The N00b lay back on the grass. The clattering keystrokes continued unabated, lulling him to semiconsciousness. Every once in a while a deranged shriek of laughter or a savage burst of profanity interrupted their mesmerizing patter. He gazed up through the apple tree branches and recalled his dream. What if such an Elder Race really existed? Had they ruled Uber at one time? Would they one day return to claim their rightful place and tear the temples down?
I wish that it might come to pass, he thought, ruefully shaking his head. Not fade like all my dreams. Just think of what my life might be in a world like I have seen.
Suddenly some sort of atmospheric disturbance wrought the sky. The N00b jumped to his feet and ran out from under the apple tree to look. A gigantic text message was forming amidst roiling thunderclouds. "Come quick," he cried to the man. "What's happening?"
The man dismissed him with a wave of his hand. "That's just the uberboard, you silly N00b."
The message became clearer. It was from Bart himself, the eldest of the Elder Race! The N00b wept with joy as the words in the sky became legible.
"Attention all users of the Uber website," said the message. "We have assumed control. We have assumed control."
User Reviews
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2008-07-02 15:52:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WE HAVE ASSUMED CONTROL
WE HAVE ASSUMED CONTROL
WE HAVE ASSUMED CONTROL
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2008-07-02 15:11:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by KirillovianShitStain (user info) at 2008-07-02 10:57:18 PDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Would have been a plus two, but you said that this is me, and therefore fuck you. But I give a positive rating where it's due, just as you did on my latest piece of shit.
---------
Not true! I didn't say that it WAS you, only that you inspired me to write it:
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2008-07-02 08:11:26 PDT (#)
Ranking: 1
BTW, Mr. Kirillovian_Shit_Stain, you were the inspiration for this story: http://www.ubersite.com/m/117334.
(http://www.ubersite.com/m/117458#2737062)
Submitted by KirillovianShitStain (user info) at 2008-07-02 13:57:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Would have been a plus two, but you said that this is me, and therefore fuck you. But I give a positive rating where it's due, just as you did on my latest piece of shit.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2008-06-30 03:30:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i usta write shit like this 3 years ago...
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2008-06-27 12:50:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-06-25 20:25:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Check out the uberboard. I am now a star!!
Apollo, you are a fucking retardo from England. Or, you are a SMALL gland.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-06-25 20:20:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
the description of the first post was great.
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2008-06-25 17:47:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Clever
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-06-25 17:31:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2008-06-25 11:29:03 PDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-06-25 12:02:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I hate Rush.
=====
But I like Yes, does that make me a hypocrite?
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2008-06-25 14:29:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-06-25 12:02:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I hate Rush.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-06-25 13:44:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I gots me some wings mother-fuckers!
WOOO!
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-06-25 12:02:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I hate Rush.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-06-25 11:39:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I'm just leading them on* to increase my hit count," said the man with an unconcerned grin.
--
Now THAT'S fiction.
* I wish I had thought of that strategy.
Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2008-06-25 11:25:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Amusing.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-06-25 11:13:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like the 'post inside a post' element to it. Very Stoppardian.
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2008-06-25 11:07:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Shlongy. Fuck. For some reason I keep thinking of him as German.
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-06-25 11:05:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Who's Schlongy?
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2008-06-25 10:59:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Best thing I've read on here for a while! Good work.
Schlongy so looks like that, I've seen him. He talks out of his japs eye too.
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2008-06-25 10:53:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Well, I'm relieved to see this wasn't a total flop (my fragile ego.) I thought a 2112 parody might be too obscure. How many people listen to that any more?
All of Shlongy's quotes, the N00b's indignant retort and Jack's quote are lifted from various posts (the links are in the first reply). It took a bit of work to dig them up.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-06-25 10:47:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
this was alright.
Submitted by cordelia (user info) at 2008-06-25 09:47:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-06-25 09:35:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Definitely made me laugh out loud.
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2008-06-25 09:40:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+ fucking twooo.
"No one gives a fuck, Sparky. You suck"
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2008-06-25 09:37:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-06-25 09:35:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Definitely made me laugh out loud.
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-06-25 09:30:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Wait, I'm subtracting a bit because of the gayness of the second part.
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-06-25 09:29:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This could have been shit... but it wasn't. Good job, and I like your description of Shlongy. You made this sound genuinely serious and dark and Gawffic, and you referenced Shlongy without trying to suck his dick.
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-06-25 09:28:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Try writing something dimwit.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-06-25 09:26:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.gabbly.com/www.ubersite.com cos I'm really fucking bored.
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2008-06-25 09:24:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm a heathen pagan Phallic, do you think I care?
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2008-06-25 09:23:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I just got done telling someone how much Geddy Lee annoys the hell out of me.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-06-25 09:21:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i was perplexed this morning when i saw a license plate on a car that said LOL NOOB and then two minutes later saw one that said UEBERER now it all makes sense.
or i've decided to blame it on this post because i don't really care to find an actual context to put people's odd behaviours into.
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-06-25 09:20:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Let us pray.
*heads bow*
My uberlord,
You are the sun, lighting our way across the internet that we may live and prosper.
For this we thank you.
You are the moon, guiding us through ignorant darkness with your brilliance.
For this we praise you.
Thank you, uberlord, for your beautifully told stories which sustain us through terrible times.
Bless us, oh uberlord, and give us the wisdom and the courage to understand your prose, that we might be enriched.
Feed us, oh uberlord, with your bountious literary skills, that we may never hunger.
Thank you, uberlord, for all that you provide.
Bless our hits to the nourishment and strength of our usernames, that one day we might climb the mva ladder beneath you to stroke the hem of your garment and bask in its brilliance.
Yea, though we walk through the valley of the shit-flinging pit, we shall fear no alters.
For thou art with us. And thou hast plenty.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow us all the days of our lives,
and we shall dwell in the house of the uberlord forever.
In Jacky's name,
Amen
From http://www.ubersite.com/m/115332#2663381
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2008-06-25 09:18:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2008-06-25 08:58:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I still consider myself the high priestess of GLALL.
___
You do realise that that's blasphemous as fuck.
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2008-06-25 09:16:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sorry Doodles, I'm High Priestess. I have a hard enough time managing the Squirrel Army <little fuckers have gotten lax lately, too many "magic acorns"> and keeping the virgin sacrifices chained to my water heater alive in the event of his return. Did you know you have to feed them periodically? Apparently they die after a month or so if you don't.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-06-25 09:09:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2008-06-25 08:58:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ride a tricycle through the mountains wearing nothing but a jockstrap and a feather headdress decorated with the bones of your enemies.
---
I would volunteer you to do that and post pictures so we can be sure it actually happened.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2008-06-25 09:07:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
filename
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-06-25 09:06:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-06-25 09:01:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That was great. The only thing really is that you didn't have the outsider get all riled up at the -2s and start going apeshit.
He does that.
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2008-06-25 08:58:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The Uber gods are returning.
Honor them, lift up your +2s in praise and they shall find it pleasing to them and grant us happiness and entertainment.
I still consider myself the high priestess of GLALL. Rape a farm, pillage a virgin, have an angry conversation with a squirrel, ride a tricycle through the mountains wearing nothing but a jockstrap and a feather headdress decorated with the bones of your enemies. The Prince of the Surreal may find it pleasing and return to us as well.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-06-25 08:48:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I smiled, and I too have that album on vinyl so +2.
Unlike Lungfish, I still listen to Rush now and then. Great sounds.
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2008-06-25 08:23:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great stuff!
Submitted by Flying_buttmonkey (user info) at 2008-06-25 08:13:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have to say I've noticed a few old names making a bit of a comeback around here recently. Still not posting, but it's a start.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-06-25 07:41:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You can take over the Shlongy account when I quit Uber - again - in 2 to 84 weeks.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-06-25 07:34:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
He was unquantifiable
-----------------------------------
LOL
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-06-25 07:29:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"WTF," they yelled. "We're not reading all that."
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-06-25 07:19:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Then he flew away and disappeared (almost).
HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA
I just frightend my cat by bursting out laughing. I like ROb_Berg, but this still cracked me up.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2008-06-25 06:41:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2008-06-25 05:37:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I likes iddy.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2008-06-25 04:45:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i would probably disagree, ive had a couple people laugh with something ive said, and ive even managed to spark some sort of interesting debate with a couple.
who are you, by the way? i was going to insult you, but realised i dont have a fucking clue who you are. thats not an insult by the way, i honestly dont know.
Submitted by tloshjohnson (user info) at 2008-06-25 04:45:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This just reads like a better written example of this http://www.ubersite.com/m/116102
-------------
wah wah I got minus 2'd.
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2008-06-25 04:19:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
k
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2008-06-25 03:50:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yes, and every review iddqd puts up is worthless. That's like, 0 out of 6114.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2008-06-25 03:24:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
shlongy puts up maybe 1 decent review out of every 15. which admittedly is still way above the site average.
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2008-06-25 02:42:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2008-06-25 02:16:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
well, nice work. You are one of the best posters on uber lately.
Submitted by HateMudkips (user info) at 2008-06-25 02:09:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this was fucking beautiful.
Not to disparage anything I've +2ed lately, but there has been a lack of quality posts like this for quite a bit.
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2008-06-25 01:48:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I reread it. I still love it.
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2008-06-25 01:18:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
How dare you assume that Schlongy gives a fuck!
I love it I love it I love it!
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2008-06-25 01:02:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You must pay the tithe.
YOU MUST PAY THE TITHE!
what just happened
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2008-06-25 00:27:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wonderful. Are Shlongy's reviews really that good though? I can't help but remember that Degreeless flash where he had the "Dipshit" button. THAT was some serious writer's forum shit.
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2008-06-25 00:20:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
True
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-06-25 00:04:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*your*
dumber every day
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-06-25 00:03:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
am i in this one too?
let me know
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-06-24 23:56:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have no idea what you're talking about, because I didn't read you're long post. But I have that album, on vinyl, which makes me awesome, of course. Not sure I could stand to listen to Rush anymore, but it was fun for a while.
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2008-06-24 23:49:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.sing365.com/music/lyric.nsf/2112-lyrics-Rush/80B3F61CD9B9628B48256BBF0031D9EA
http://www.ubersite.com/m/117234#2729300
http://www.ubersite.com/m/117229#2729171
http://www.ubersite.com/m/117240#2729178
http://www.ubersite.com/m/117251#2729865
http://www.ubersite.com/m/117267#2730193
http://www.ubersite.com/m/116271#2696509
http://www.ubersite.com/m/115376#2664311