Switch bitch (913 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.72 on 24 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Tinactin (View user info) at 2008-06-26 21:15:28 EDT
Imagine if you were a bird, able to soar anywhere above the skies. And you never had to take a shit, so everyone didn't hate you. Imagine yourself as an old-fashioned bird, the kind that would need to be cooed before giving up the beak, but there was a pigeon (actually, not a pigeon, because they're disease ridden, but a clean bird...maybe like a plastic bobbing chicken) bearing a weighted message for your heart. But your heart was all aflutter for her hot ass hummingbird friend.
This, friends, is exactly the situation I found myself in last night. I met a couple of ladies recently at a pool hall/bar I frequent and made a connection with one of them almost instantly. But her friend, Sheila, has been all over me, to the point that I haven't even had much of a chance to talk to the one I really want.
Have you ever noticed that whenever you go to a bar with a group in which the women outnumber the men there will always be someone who wants to be your best friend, usually sporting some combination of Bluetooth headset (oh yeah, you're really fucking cool with that thing on. I bet people call you all the time, and you're a busy man, so you've got no time to actually use your hands for anything other than signing contracts, drinking dry martinis, and high fiving your friends when the jagerbombs don't stick in your throat. Down the hatch, huzzah! Meanwhile your breath smells like you decided to make smores with Good & Plenty and I choke on your oral filth but it clears my sinuses and I've wasted 32 seconds of my life figuring out what you're trying to say to me, but I have the lung capacity to inhale and ask you what the hell you are talking about without feeling any shortness of breath. But instead you ignore me and avoid eye contact, continuing to tell Bob in accounting about that twist you fucked on the kitchen counter because you and your conversation are so fucking important that you can't be bothered to politely inform me that you are on the phone, and have not been speaking directly to me the entire fucking time) and striped shirt. In this case he just had a striped shirt, and his name was Carlos.
The good thing about guy who tries to become your best friend in order to bag one of the chicks you're with is that he usually pays for a lot of alcohol. He bought us round after round of fruity shots with names like purple nurple or the wild thornberry. The bad thing is you have to have stupid conversations in which he tries to impress the ladies in your group, and will go out of his way to be completely agreeable.
"Have you seen Resident Evil 3? It was really good."
"No, but Milla Jovovich is fucking ugly."
"Oh yeah, you're right. I mean, she has a pretty face, but she doesn't keep her feminine areas manicured, like I'm sure you ladies do."
"Well, you can't blame her for that. When you do full frontal in a movie, the MPAA requires modesty. If she has a lot of pubes, that probably just means she has a big pussy."
"That's disgusting. But...yeah, you're right. You shouldn't talk like that in front of ladies. Or maybe you should. I'm going to get us another round of drinks. Hey, have you ever seen any food that looks like Jesus?" (Why is it that people are always seeing Jesus in food? Why don't they see Jesus in a bottle of shampoo, or Michael Jackson in a child's asshole? At least then they could wash away split ends)
By the time we started playing pool, the girls were pretty drunk. Halfway through our first game Sheila walks up to me and sticks her hand down my pants, right in front of three assholes that immediately stop their game to watch. I tried to push her away and take my shot, but you would be surprised how ineffective every conceivable motion is when someone is massaging your balls with not enough fingertip and entirely too much palm. Instead, I excused myself and went to the restroom.
Right about halfway through urination, Sheila sauntered in behind me, telling me how great I was and how much she really liked me. Then she bent over the trash can and started vomiting. I held her hair back while she cried and described herself as "really embarrassed because this usually never happens". Carlos walked in after about five minutes.
"Awww, you don't have to cry, honey, I still think you're beautiful."
I handed him the reins to her follicles and left the bathroom on the pretense of finding her friend to get her out of there. Instead, I watched a white guy butcher No Woman, No Cry in the karaoke area and walked back into the men's room only to hear them fucking in a stall.
The girl I wanted made me breakfast this morning. It was horrible, though. Who the hell eats crepes?
User Reviews
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2008-07-02 15:42:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i'm eating honduran mangos as I type this review
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2008-06-30 03:25:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
olde skool Mexican
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-06-27 17:00:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Imagine if you were a bird, able to soar anywhere above the skies. And you never had to take a shit, so everyone didn't hate you. Imagine yourself as an old-fashioned bird, the kind that would need to be cooed before giving up the beak, but there was a pigeon (actually, not a pigeon, because they're disease ridden, but a clean bird...maybe like a plastic bobbing chicken) bearing a weighted message for your heart. But your heart was all aflutter for her hot ass hummingbird friend.
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I think only birds would be able to appreciate that. Good post anyhow.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-06-27 13:16:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by GangsterSquid (user info) at 2008-06-27 10:49:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.gabbly.com/www.ubersite.com
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-06-27 10:46:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2008-06-27 10:36:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Nothing wrong with crepes for breakfast. Occupational hazard of banging a French girl.
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2008-06-27 09:50:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Cyrus (user info) at 2008-06-27 09:20:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A number of great lines here, for me it was "I handed him the reins to her follicles."
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-06-27 09:02:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2008-06-27 06:39:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
As much as this one line totally won it "Michael Jackson in a child's asshole."
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-06-27 06:48:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, I enjoyed the read.
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2008-06-27 06:39:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
As much as this one line totally won it "Michael Jackson in a child's asshole."
This post was quite fun to read too.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2008-06-27 06:34:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Michael Jackson in a child's asshole.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-06-27 06:07:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like a good run-on sentence, overuse of commas, and extended interludes in the confines of parentheses more than the average guy (who's averageness applies in this example to readers of posts more than say, height or weight, or daily sugar consumption or whatever) does, so I thought that paragraph about Carlos, Bluetooth (plural: Blueteeth? Bluetoofuses? In Canada: Bleudent?) and Good-n-Plenty, which is a horrid candy that is good for hiding your real pills, or so I hear anyway, from a guy who should know since he's used the method to reduce the amount of pills he got caught with on several occasions, and once just got probation, was awesome.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-06-27 05:00:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-06-27 08:14:04 BST (#)
Ranking: 1
Roald Dahl.
<3
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-06-27 03:28:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dick King Smith
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-06-27 03:14:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Roald Dahl.
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2008-06-27 02:45:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Read enough to read the long paragraph.
+2 Tinactin?
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2008-06-27 01:28:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
hell, at least you read it
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2008-06-27 01:07:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
man, im a sour little bitch
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2008-06-27 01:07:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
i read all the way to the end.
that alone is pretty much good enough for baw, nowadays.
congrats.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2008-06-27 00:20:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
meh
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-06-26 21:51:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2008-06-26 21:24:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate split ends. All my gay friends point and laugh and throw Herbal Essence bottles at me.