The Ninja (552 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 0.12 on 15 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by The Brad (View user info) at 2008-06-28 22:04:38 EDT
He opened his eyes to darkness, the only illumination the digits which proclaimed the time to be 11:56. He reached for the glass of water he kept by the bedside. Finding it empty, he left his warm and comfortable bed and started making his groggy way to the kitchen. As he stepped out of his bedroom a muffled scraping sound resonated thru the near-silent house. He froze in place, thinking the sound was a leftover of a dream, but not willing to really believe so.
After standing motionless in the hall for several seconds, the night chill raising goosebumps on his skin, he chided himself as a coward and continued on his way. The light from the clocks on the microwave and the oven provide enough light to navagate the small obsticles that stand inbetween him and the kitchen.
He steps around the corner into the kitchen and again freezes, there is a light shining from under the door to the garage. He stands and looks at the light peeking from under the door, trying to assure himself that he left the light on himself after he had parked his motorcycle in the garage. No such luck. He vividly remembered leaving the Harley-Davidson he had bought himself for his birthday sitting alone in the dark of the garage. He stepped towards the door telling himself his was mistaken and that he did leave the lights on, when a shadow passed across the light under the doorsill. A wave of panic washed over him, again stippling his skin with gooseflesh, but was replaced with a tide of anger when he heard the next sounds to come from the garage. The quiet and muffled sound seemed to have no weight in the air, almost inaudible, but they hit his eardrums like a train wreck.
"This is a nice Harley, are you sure he wont wake up? We made a lot of noise moving it." Another voice- "No, he sleeps like the dead. You could take a lung from him and he wouldnt wake up." His paralisis broke as the rush of anger and adrenalin kicked his heart into high gear. It was somone he knew! They were taking his newest, most prized possession! He quickly made up his mind about his couse of action.
He made his way back into his room and immedatly started arming himself, A shoto katana for his right hand and triple bladed brass knuckles for his left. He padded his way back to the garage door, willing each footfall to come silently. As he touched the doorknob, a sharp pain invaded his temples and he felt dizzy. He realised he had been clenching his teeth like he was trying to break a stone and holding his breath to hold the silence. Relaxing his jaw and taking several deep but silent breaths, he steeled himself aginst the violence that he was about to incur.
Using his left hand, he slowly turned the handle to the garage, releasing the latch but holding the door closed, he was ready to take on at least 2 people. He waited until he heard another sound, this time a heavy grating sound, like dragging metal against concrete, and burst into the room.
As he opened the door, he meant to yell somthing like "Freeze!" or "stop where you are!" but all that emitted from his mouth was a gutteral yell, an attack scream from some ancient barbarian.
He rushed into the room, katana raised to swing, bladed knuckles readied to strike, into a room full of his friends. There was a banner that read "Happy 25th" and a room full of shocked people, it was 11:59 and the ninja realised the one of the most important parts of being a ninjais dressing the part. As he attacked his garage, He earned the name- The Nudist Ninja.
User Reviews
Submitted by TheBrad (user info) at 2008-06-30 17:21:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
the wave of panic- tide of anger line really felt goofy to me, hackneyed, as you so generously put it, but i had spent the morning drinking beer in my hottub, so i was in a watery mood.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2008-06-30 16:57:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Have you ever seen a retarded kid trying to hide behind an ottoman? It's a ridiculous question really because even if you couldn't SEE them, you could still hear them giggling like a fucking birth defect, and even though you say "I can see you there, Chuckie", they still jump out and shout "BOO! I SCARED YOU!" right as you walk past them.
Have you ever experienced that?
Because that's kind of how it felt to slog through this bowel movement.
The way you crammed clicheed phrases and hackneyed metaphors into your "rising action", I could just see you giggling behind your keyboard, waiting to spring your "twist" on your unwary audience. The fact that you didn't proof-read and can't write critical detail for shit didn't help matters either.
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2008-06-30 00:27:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Nice job of building tension right up until the end! Proofreading sucks, though. The ending fell a little flat for me. "As he attacked his garage, he earned his name--The Nudist Ninja" seemed to slip out of the protagonist's POV. What was he thinking when he discovered the garage full of people? What was their reaction? How exactly did he "attack" his garage? This came close to being excellent, in my opinion.
Also, the third paragraph slips from past to present tense, then back again.
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2008-06-29 12:50:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
HUMOROUS
Submitted by PayMeLater (user info) at 2008-06-29 00:34:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Doodles:
When engaging annoying people, the 'fight-fire-with-fire' method is overrated.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-06-29 00:02:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Doodles, I refuted you because you were wrong. YOU came back and tried to turn it into an argument. Check with your resident English major. You think I give a shit if people here like me?
You would argue if I said the sun rises in the East.
I'm out until tomorrow. Have a good night, kiddo.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-06-28 23:56:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-06-28 23:35:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-06-28 22:30:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You over describe some things that aren't important to the story and you used 'thru' instead of 'through'
standing motionless is redundant***
No, it isn't. One may stand and shift from foot to foot or sway from side to side. It was meant to convey absolute lack of motion, which 'standing' does not do completely.
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It is. The word motionless only reenforces the basic description of standing, which is not moving. You would need to say if they were fidgeting but not standing motionless
chided himself as reads akwardly***
"Chided himself a coward" would be proper.
the word doorsill bugs me. I'm not even sure it really is a word***
It is, most auusredly, a proper word. It means 'threshold'.
he steeled himself against the violence that he was about to incur. That almost hurt to read. It just sounded awful.***
Writer's choice. I would have used "commit" rather than incur.
The part that sounds bad was the about to commit or incur still aren't good. I would vastly simplify it to something more like he prepared to attack. That might be personal but saying more with less to me shows a much better mastery of the language than using grandiose words and elaborate sentence structure.
gutteral yell, an attack scream from some ancient barbarian. semicolen not a comma***
Bullshit to the tenth power. The comma is correct. A semicolon is used only when the phrase on either side of the punctuation may stand alone as a sentence. The portion following the comma cannot stand alone, at least not in keeping with the rules of grammar.
the ninja realised the one of the most important parts of being a ninjais dressing the part first itme the word ninja appears since title. Is he a ninja, does he want to be a ninja? You should have let the nickname tie it into the title.***
What, did you forget the title after reading those few (643) words?
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That word changes the character 180 degrees. From an enraged man seeking to defend his property he turns into a skilled killing machine, a master assasin. Ninja was used to descibe him as something that was only mentioned in the title.
More people would liek you if you didn't have to argue everything bubba, you even argue when you are wrong. You should probably work on that.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-06-28 23:35:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-06-28 22:30:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You over describe some things that aren't important to the story and you used 'thru' instead of 'through'
standing motionless is redundant***
No, it isn't. One may stand and shift from foot to foot or sway from side to side. It was meant to convey absolute lack of motion, which 'standing' does not do completely.
chided himself as reads akwardly***
"Chided himself a coward" would be proper.
the word doorsill bugs me. I'm not even sure it really is a word***
It is, most auusredly, a proper word. It means 'threshold'.
he steeled himself against the violence that he was about to incur. That almost hurt to read. It just sounded awful.***
Writer's choice. I would have used "commit" rather than incur.
gutteral yell, an attack scream from some ancient barbarian. semicolen not a comma***
Bullshit to the tenth power. The comma is correct. A semicolon is used only when the phrase on either side of the punctuation may stand alone as a sentence. The portion following the comma cannot stand alone, at least not in keeping with the rules of grammar.
the ninja realised the one of the most important parts of being a ninjais dressing the part first itme the word ninja appears since title. Is he a ninja, does he want to be a ninja? You should have let the nickname tie it into the title.***
What, did you forget the title after reading those few (643) words?
I think that about covers me.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-06-28 23:29:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
it's always a bad move to label something humour.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2008-06-28 23:22:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
General or leave the mark blank. I wouldn't consider the end humorous, more of a moment of levity. There was tension built up throughout the post and only at the last moment was an, "Awww, I knew it" factor.
I'm not saying I hated it, but it is what the rating says.
Submitted by TheBrad (user info) at 2008-06-28 22:45:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Donkey, I thought the twist was humorous, Where would you have put it?
Submitted by TheBrad (user info) at 2008-06-28 22:40:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Doorsill is a word, i thought i should use a semicolon there, and thanks for telling me how to improve my writing.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2008-06-28 22:35:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Humor was the wrong tag. I was expecting a laugh and got a twist. It didn't really flow that well, either.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-06-28 22:30:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You over describe some things that aren't important to the story and you used 'thru' instead of 'through'
standing motionless is redundant
chided himself as reads akwardly
the word doorsill bugs me. I'm not even sure it really is a word
he steeled himself aginst the violence that he was about to incur. That almost hurt to read. It just sounded awful.
gutteral yell, an attack scream from some ancient barbarian. semicolen not a comma
the ninja realised the one of the most important parts of being a ninjais dressing the part first itme the word ninja appears since title. Is he a ninja, does he want to be a ninja? You should have let the nickname tie it into the title.
I think that about covers me.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-06-28 22:20:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I didn't really enjoy this to be honest.