Shit like 'dreams' should NOT be affecting me so much. (1061 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.89 on 34 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by OathMeal (View user info) at 2008-06-30 09:57:41 EDT
Forget what anyone has ever told you about "Oh I just had a really bad dream" this, or "Gosh I really had a bad nightmare last night" that.
All of it up to this point has been hogwash. Yes, I said it, hogwash.
(Interesting isn't it, how sometimes when you type a word that you're SURE Firefox will underline with it's little red thingy, it doesn't? Like, hogwash for example. I would have thought for sure...)
Last night I had...not so much just a bad DREAM as it was a petrifying, life-affirming vision into a parallel reality, one rife with violence, confinement, forced gay sex (I know! You would have THOUGHT I'd LOVE that part!), and just about every other atrocity you could think of.
I know you're probably sitting there thinking, "OathMeal, please shut up. Listening to other people's accounts of their dreams is boring and you do a better job acting angry at everyone," but hear me out.
First, a bit of context:
Yesterday evening I felt a monster of a headache coming on, most likely as a result of playing too much Diablo II. I had just rescued Deckard Cain from Tristram when I felt this massive pounding in my frontal lobe just above my right eye socket. You know the type: unrelenting, painful, annoying and consistent (kind of like Apollo posts, you know?).
So my resort is to down a couple Tylenol PM's. The little blue ones that take you to happy land in like, 20 minutes. Good stuff.
YEA, GOOD UNTIL I GET CATAPULTED INTO 8 HOURS OF HORROR AND DESPAIR. I'm suing the makers of Tylenol.
Anyway, enter me, on the corner of some New York street, sitting on a curb and casing the bank across the intersection. I'm wearing a red mesh trucker's hat and a dingy, yellowed undershirt with some blue jeans.
(Yes, I dream in color)
For some reason, I am injected into this dream with the mind state of a criminal. I have no other worldly aspiration than to rob that bank for every penny in it.
Am I destitute? Strung out on crack? Can't seem to deal with the suffocating crush of the weakened USD and rising mortgage rates?
No.
I'm just me. But, I want to rob this bank. Now. I don't care about security cameras or beefed up guards (besides I could take them anyway considering how fucking massive my biceps are) or silent alarms or dye packs.
I just...want...to rob...that fucking...bank.
And so I do.
I rush in, angle for the teller's throat, shimmy up and over the walnut counter (don't ask me how I know it was walnut it just was ok, STFU) and make my way keenly into the safe where I stuff my pockets with everything from bullion to family heirlooms to vintage Mickey Mantle T-206 baseball cards (in protective HDPE cases don't worry).
It was amazing. A pure orgy of acquisition...because this dream seemed so totally fucking real, and because I had enough Tylenol PM in my system to KEEP it that way, I just kept on robbing.
I think I even robbed the old lady on her way IN the bank as I was racing OUT. It was glorious.
Interestingly, no one noticed a thing. It was great. I made it across a few blocks in the thick of NYC traffic and counted out my booty.
But now what?
Well...as I said before, in this dream I was a criminal. I didn't care to actually SPEND the money I just pilfered and I certainly didn't have the presence of mind to stash it anywhere safe, so I just left it all piled at the base of some light post and returned to that same street corner.
"Heh. Idiots. If I can do this once, surely I can do this again," I thought.
And so I did. ROUND #2!!!
This time I'd be sure to get that badass-looking silver box in the corner which for SURE had something valuable in it.
So up to this point, things have been pretty great, huh? I get to rob a bank without repercussion and what a great point to wake up and get my Monday started, knowing I stuck it to the man, even if only in a dream.
BUT NO.
No siree fucking BOB.
I get caught this second time, and brought next door to where the police station is. The cops who busted me were rail-thin pussies who I would have EASILY crumpled were it not for my enervated state due to conditions I can't really explain. I just got really weak when they approached me, I don't know!!
Karma?
Then I got processed. Fingerprinted. Thrown in the back of the paddy wagon and escorted off to prison.
I DIDN'T EVEN GET A TRIAL.
When I showed up to prison, alllllll of the terrible, horrific things that I had ever heard about the goings-on behind bars, came to pass.
Some lifer dude and his clique of bisexual thugs corralled me and stole my toothbrush.
The only biscuit I had left after finishing my lunch was thieved by another inmate.
I don't remember the specifics, but I do believe I was anally violated at least twice. At LEAST.
Everyone laughed at my red hair. EVERYONE. Even the other red-headed inmates.
I found my life replaced with towering books of philosophy, windowless cells, far-off echoes of the cries of the imprisoned insane and little else but a gray, cinder block existence escape from which was out of the question.
Before long I got a visit from the prison chaplain.
"What are you in for, my son?" He asked.
"Aggravated burglary," I answered, "But it wasn't my fault."
He chuckled.
"You are young. There is still time to change your life around. I have the answers," he said.
"You do!? Thank you! So how can I get the fuck out of here?" I pleaded.
"There is but one answer. His name is Jesus Christ and he can save you if you let him into your heart."
...
I woke up.
I blinked a few times.
I looked down and saw my dog, snoring away.
I paused briefly to be thankful that I was there, in my bed, in the comfort of my own home filled with my own belongings, and that I was not...wherever I was 10 minutes ago.
User Reviews
Submitted by bricekrispy (user info) at 2008-08-24 16:32:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2008-08-16 10:39:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by WantageJamie (user info) at 2008-08-05 17:25:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2008-07-04 00:11:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by BJ-theGreat (user info) at 2008-07-03 22:29:46 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2008-07-03 03:03:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I got to the word Oathmeal just under the title and stopped reading.
Why don't you stop posting until you actually have something interesting to say, Jaytard II?
Nobody gives a fuck about your mundane, stereotypical life.
__________________
this coming from someone who thinks ice hockey "Rules"!
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Nice sleuthing, Sherlock.
Submitted by SunnyG (user info) at 2008-07-03 09:32:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-06-30 10:13:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Nice "life", Shitheel.
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Yeah, his life is way more pathetic than a man who has the prostate the size of a melon, joint problems, is 5 foot fuck all, and trolls the internet.
Oathy, keep it real.
Shlongy, eat a dick.
Submitted by BJ-theGreat (user info) at 2008-07-03 08:29:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2008-07-03 03:03:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I got to the word Oathmeal just under the title and stopped reading.
Why don't you stop posting until you actually have something interesting to say, Jaytard II?
Nobody gives a fuck about your mundane, stereotypical life.
__________________
this coming from someone who thinks ice hockey "Rules"!
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-07-03 03:25:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
weed hangover FTW........ Apollo knows what I mean
It IS fun walking when you feel like your asleep
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2008-07-03 03:03:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I got to the word Oathmeal just under the title and stopped reading.
Why don't you stop posting until you actually have something interesting to say, Jaytard II?
Nobody gives a fuck about your mundane, stereotypical life.
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-06-30 20:35:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You know, I could do one of two things - I could either hint at the fact that your dreams probably indicate hidden (or not-so-hidden) gay impulses, or I could just tell you that you suck.
I think I'll go with the last one, it's simpler.
Submitted by GangsterSquid (user info) at 2008-06-30 18:15:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
lol
Submitted by TheBrad (user info) at 2008-06-30 18:15:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2008-06-30 12:55:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You think Tylenol PM is bad? Slap on a nicotine patch before you hit the hay. Guaranteed nightmares fraught with Freudian imagery in crystal clear detail. When you do finally wake up, you won't know whether to shit or wind your watch.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________
BWA HAHAHAHAHA!
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2008-06-30 18:01:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Listening to other people's accounts of their dreams is boring," but the Freudian aspect of this dream offers an intriguing insight to the author's subconscious. YOU NEED JESUS TO SAVE YOU FROM YOUR LATENT HOMOSEXUALITY BEFORE IT BECOMES EVEN MORE OBVIOUS TO THE REST OF US!
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-06-30 15:33:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I get a shitload of stories from dreams, usually just fragments that I build upon, but sometimes the whole story is seen in a dream. Here are a few.
All Hail the Power
http://www.ubersite.com/m/50513
Inner Demons
http://www.ubersite.com/m/90500
Unicorn
http://www.ubersite.com/m/96755
fuckpuppies
http://www.ubersite.com/m/115845
Yes, I really did dream fuckpuppies. When I woke up I just shook my head in wonder.
Submitted by Glenn. (user info) at 2008-06-30 15:23:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yep.
Submitted by The-Armed-Samurai (user info) at 2008-06-30 14:22:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/117414
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-06-30 14:17:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This mean you're converting and/or intensifying your religious devotion?
Submitted by GangsterSquid (user info) at 2008-06-30 14:06:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
fag below.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-06-30 13:59:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Anyway, enter me, on the corner of some New York street, sitting on a curb and casing the bank across the intersection. I'm wearing a red mesh trucker's hat and a dingy, yellowed undershirt with some blue jeans.
i have no desire to enter you no matter where you are, what you're doing or what you're wearing.
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2008-06-30 12:55:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You think Tylenol PM is bad? Slap on a nicotine patch before you hit the hay. Guaranteed nightmares fraught with Freudian imagery in crystal clear detail. When you do finally wake up, you won't know whether to shit or wind your watch.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-06-30 12:34:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-06-30 11:12:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Jesus Saves!
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2008-06-30 11:04:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Did you watch "Edmund" recently?
Awesome film, upstanding guy, homophobe, racist, decides he needs a change in his life, long strange string of events lead to him ending up happy in prison as a big black guy's bitch.
Wierd but similar to this post.
The things we fear hold hidden wishes.
Submitted by tito (user info) at 2008-06-30 10:48:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey, this makes me a pro writer!
Submitted by BJ-theGreat (user info) at 2008-06-30 10:47:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Man, that is some serious vivid dreaming.
Submitted by GangsterSquid (user info) at 2008-06-30 10:39:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
lol@harmon and trivia91
Shitty alters being driven by spineless pussies.
Classic Ubersite.
Submitted by Harmon (user info) at 2008-06-30 10:35:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by tito (user info) at 2008-06-30 10:27:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by GangsterSquid (user info) at 2008-06-30 10:11:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
It appears that 'Tito' won, with his submission here: http://www.ubersite.com/m/117368
TITO SEND ME YOUR PRIZE SELECTION!
bretd9.at.gmail.com
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wrt this.
Submitted by tito (user info) at 2008-06-30 10:27:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yeah! Way to go big guy.
I have emailed you.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-06-30 10:13:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Nice "life", Shitheel.
Submitted by GangsterSquid (user info) at 2008-06-30 10:11:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
It appears that 'Tito' won, with his submission here: http://www.ubersite.com/m/117368
TITO SEND ME YOUR PRIZE SELECTION!
bretd9.at.gmail.com
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-06-30 10:08:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Also who won your contest?
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2008-06-30 10:06:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
By "tylenol PM", do you mean "Race horse hormones and Anabolic Steroids"?
Just kidding, but I thought it was funny you actually typed the words: "Anyway, enter me"
Is that some kind of offer, big boy?
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-06-30 10:05:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I used to play diablo II
I miss it alot actually.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-06-30 09:59:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think you mean fantasy not dream