Spill the Wine (Write Something Good!) (539 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.83 on 18 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by CATAL (View user info) at 2008-07-01 18:04:54 EDT
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2008-07-01 16:05:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ahem you should post soemthing good.
* * * * *
Okay, I haven't read or posted anything on Ubersite for over a year, but apparently it's developed some standards, which was a shock believe you me. I don't take any offense to this, I've just been bored recently and thought posting a random MS Paint file from my old computer might amuse me. And it did.
However, I was called upon to post something "good". Now I thought to myself, "What could that mean? Am I going crazy or is this just a dream? Now wait a moment, I know I'm sitting somewhere at my laptop so it's all in my head. And then I heard her say one more time: 'Maybe you should post something good'" (I forgave the typo).
You see, this was no dream. Usually, I dream I'm in a Hollywood movie, and that I'm the star of the movie. This really blows my mind, the fact that I, an overfed, longhaired leaping gnome could be the star of a Hollywood movie, but there I am! High atop a mountain in the hall of mountain kings, naked to the world. And in front of me: every kind of girl. Black ones... Round ones... Big ones... Crazy ones... And ones that tell me to write something "good!" And so that's what I'm going to do.
Now at this point I've exhausted the parody and although I could continue, it'd get a bit trite and unnecessary. However, the original challenge still stands: write something good. Now for a no-talent hack such as myself, this is proving difficult, but I think so far I've succeeded with some degree of success. Feel free to disagree of course, Lord knows the opinions of my loyal fans and readers means the utmost to me.
Now a few ideas have been rolling around in my head so maybe I'll share a few and hopefully (Oh, how I do love to hope, it makes me happy, like maybe there is a cotton candy heaven with a gum drop palace in the plastic pantomime of space!) one or maybe two of you might see the slightest degree of insight in my ramblings on such and such and nonsense drivel drabble.
Anywho, I'm going to sum up one line of thinking I've had rather briefly, because it could go on for quite a long time and I wouldn't want to bore you (cotton candy heavens, no!). Essentially, I call into question all knowledge claims. You don't know JACK (like the computer game and the short lived TV game-show hosted by Pee-Wee Herman AKA Paul Reubens). Not you, not me, not anybody.
Would you like to know why? Of course you would! Because I believe in order to sufficiently make a claim to knowledge one must possess absolute certainty without the slightest shred of doubt, to which is impossible. All "knowledge" we claim to have is derived in some way in our senses, which are not completely reliable.
Now, someone may make the claim, "I know I exist! Disprove that jerk!" Splendid! I was hoping someone would think that! Essentially, that argument is Descartes famous saying, "I think, therefore I am." True, that's not based in the senses. It doesn't take eyes or a nose or ears to think. Just the fact that you're debating the issue in your mind means you must exist right? That's proof, right?
Wrong (at least to my mode of thinking). For those of you with more than a passing familiarity with Descartes, you will know Descartes "evil genius" proposal which states the possibility of the existence of an evil genus of immense power and ability who deceives us with illusions of how we perceive reality. For my purposes I will refer to that entity as an omnipotent being.
Therefore, if an omnipotent being could exist we cannot be sure of anything, because perhaps we are being fooled into "knowing" anything, even our own existence. Imagine Descartes "Mediations" was a work of fiction. Descartes was merely a character in a story that questioned his existence and had all these debates in his head. He thinks, but does not exist. He believes he exists, but he does not. Perhaps we are merely the characters in some divine play created for who knows why by some omnipotent being.
And with that, I'm going to stop. Like I said, I could go on and on with this and such and such nonsense drivel drabble, but frankly I'd rather not.
* * * * *
Now, I don't know about any of you guys, but that was a bit heavy. Little too much thinking I know, but what are ya gonna do about it? You already read it. And if you didn't and just skipped down here, your curiosity ill no doubt be piqued and you'll go read it now. Or at the very least you'll not read it and make some snippy little comment. And if you don't do any of those things in an effort to prove me wrong, then no one will know and I'll still be thought right.
But how can I lighten the mood, then? I mean, I know how I always lighten the mood for myself (Werewolf Bar Mitzvah! Spooky, scary!), but that'd be a vain hope to work for everyone here. Because I'm sure tons of people are reading this post. I have a rather large fanbase on Ubersite for someone who hasn't posted in over a year. I believe I was even referred to as a "retired fag" by someone of consequence (note the sarcasm) here or there. I feel like Huey Lewis! (It's hip to be a retired fag, right?)
I don't know if I've quite achieved "good-dom" quite yet though, so I guess I'll write up some more. For those of you who've had your share by now, feel free to leave whenever you like, but be sure to drop your +2's in my box on the way out, otherwise your final grade will be affected.
Now as some of you may know based upon multiple readings of my previous posts (as I'm sure all of you have done many, many times) I don't go by my official title here on Ubersite very often. In fact, I think only once have I revealed it to all of you and even since then it has grown in grandeur and magnificence!
I am rightly called Saint CATAL The Ephemeral Of Infinite Something-Or-Other, Destroyer Of Things Found, Head Honcho Of These Things That I Do, Killer Of Norman The Gross Spider I Found That One Time, He Who All Is Like The Buzzing Of Flies To Him, Unifier Of The Great Peoples Of Zarganthia And Mexico (But Not The Mexico South Of The United States, An Entirely Different Mexico), Keeper Of His Holy Sacredness And Let's Be Honest - Sheer Awesomeness, Preacher Of Truths And Falsehoods, Prophet Of Himself And Maybe Others That He May Or May Not Be Unaware Of, Master Of Magnanimity Towards Those He Chooses For Arbitrary Reasons, Teacher Of The Sage And Insane Chrythises - Chaotologist Extraordinaire, He Who Will Not Be Mocked By Anyone Except Those Who Mock Him And Even Then He Shall Mock Them With Greater Might And Eloquence Previously Thought Impossible By Any Mortal Being (Yet He Remains Mortal And Ephemeral), Interpreter Of Things He Understands Naught, Sinker Of DikshunairyDryver, Creator Of Worlds Located Within Non-Existence, And He Who Does Other Things Too.
More self-aggrandizement was called for and there it is! To all of you naysayers out there, I have but one thing to say to you, but it shall wait to the opportune moment. Which is now, "Krumpiloffinhakkin!"
Now many of you are no doubt asking yourselves, "Where is he going with this? What the hell is he talking about? What was the point of all that? I can't believe I read the whole thing! Are those feeling I have towards my cousin normal? Does that one night last summer make us gay? I wonder what's on Cinemax tonight? I'm hungry, I think I'm going to go get one of those new Queaso-Crunchwraps from Taco Bell. What ever happened to that little Chihuahua from those commercials. "¡Yo quiero Taco Bell!" Didn't the guy from Reno 911 do the voice of that dog? What am I reading again? Oh yeah, CATAL's post! Sweet!"
Clearly that was exactly what you were all thinking, so let me pontificate and explain to you all your questions. Carlos Alazraqui who plays the character Deputy James Oswaldo Garcia on Reno 911 did indeed do the voice of the Taco Bell Chihuahua. I don't know what's on Cinemax tonight, I don't get it. That one night does make you gay and those feelings are not normal. There was no point. I'm talking about These Things That I Do. I'm going exactly here with it all.
Now that all that has been cleared up I've grown bred of you all so I big you adieu. Fare thee well and next time you look up at the sky after a cool summer rain and see a rainbow sparkling accorss the horizon, remember that the abnormal night you spent with your cousin does make you gay and therefore you are a bad person and should feel bad. You can marry your cousin in Texas and marry your gay partner in California, but nowhere you can do both.
The End.
User Reviews
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2008-07-02 14:40:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar (user info) at 2008-07-02 12:59:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No no no, I only listen to Moonlight Sonata when I'm writing, when I'm basking in my own magniloquence something grander is required.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-07-02 04:39:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What the hell are you babbling on about?
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2008-07-02 04:37:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Maybe you should bring yourself down to earth with 'Moonlight Sonata'
Submitted by myshit (user info) at 2008-07-02 04:29:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
WTF!
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2008-07-01 22:33:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Boo.
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2008-07-01 21:42:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-07-01 20:10:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Saint CATAL The Ephemeral Of Infinite Something-Or-Other, Destroyer Of Things Found, Head Honcho Of These Things That I Do, Killer Of Norman The Gross Spider I Found That One Time, He Who All Is Like The Buzzing Of Flies To Him, Unifier Of The Great Peoples Of Zarganthia And Mexico (But Not The Mexico South Of The United States, An Entirely Different Mexico), Keeper Of His Holy Sacredness And Let's Be Honest - Sheer Awesomeness, Preacher Of Truths And Falsehoods, Prophet Of Himself And Maybe Others That He May Or May Not Be Unaware Of, Master Of Magnanimity Towards Those He Chooses For Arbitrary Reasons, Teacher Of The Sage And Insane Chrythises - Chaotologist Extraordinaire, He Who Will Not Be Mocked By Anyone Except Those Who Mock Him And Even Then He Shall Mock Them With Greater Might And Eloquence Previously Thought Impossible By Any Mortal Being (Yet He Remains Mortal And Ephemeral), Interpreter Of Things He Understands Naught, Sinker Of DikshunairyDryver, Creator Of Worlds Located Within Non-Existence, And He Who Does Other Things Too, I would like to tell you my full title as well, though it would take too long and all the vowels cannot be pronounced correctly in the northern or southern hemisphere. It's all because I was born on the equator, exactly on the equator, which affects the pitch and resonance of your voice.
Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar (user info) at 2008-07-01 20:58:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Do you see infidels?! I told you I have a fanbase, mwahahahaha! And what makes it so much better is, no shit, right now I am listening to the William Tell Overture!
My grandeur can really only be accompanied by a classical piece of music as extravagant as that! Perhaps Ride of the Valkyries would work suitably as well.
Ah well, life is good.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2008-07-01 20:16:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah, thank you! About a year ago I went through a lot of your old posts and laughed my ass off, so I'm glad you decided to write soemthing (ahem) good. IM SO HAPPY NOW.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-07-01 20:10:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Saint CATAL The Ephemeral Of Infinite Something-Or-Other, Destroyer Of Things Found, Head Honcho Of These Things That I Do, Killer Of Norman The Gross Spider I Found That One Time, He Who All Is Like The Buzzing Of Flies To Him, Unifier Of The Great Peoples Of Zarganthia And Mexico (But Not The Mexico South Of The United States, An Entirely Different Mexico), Keeper Of His Holy Sacredness And Let's Be Honest - Sheer Awesomeness, Preacher Of Truths And Falsehoods, Prophet Of Himself And Maybe Others That He May Or May Not Be Unaware Of, Master Of Magnanimity Towards Those He Chooses For Arbitrary Reasons, Teacher Of The Sage And Insane Chrythises - Chaotologist Extraordinaire, He Who Will Not Be Mocked By Anyone Except Those Who Mock Him And Even Then He Shall Mock Them With Greater Might And Eloquence Previously Thought Impossible By Any Mortal Being (Yet He Remains Mortal And Ephemeral), Interpreter Of Things He Understands Naught, Sinker Of DikshunairyDryver, Creator Of Worlds Located Within Non-Existence, And He Who Does Other Things Too, I would like to tell you my full title as well, though it would take too long and all the vowels cannot be pronounced correctly in the northern or southern hemisphere. It's all because I was born on the equator, exactly on the equator, which affects the pitch and resonance of your voice.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2008-07-01 19:34:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I ain't reading shit.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-07-01 18:31:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2008-07-01 18:30:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
arrested development
Spring Break WWOOOOO!!!!
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-07-01 18:27:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Do you want me to read this?
Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar (user info) at 2008-07-01 18:25:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Saint CATAL The Ephemeral Of Infinite Something-Or-Other, Destroyer Of Things Found, Head Honcho Of These Things That I Do, Killer Of Norman The Gross Spider I Found That One Time, He Who All Is Like The Buzzing Of Flies To Him, Unifier Of The Great Peoples Of Zarganthia And Mexico (But Not The Mexico South Of The United States, An Entirely Different Mexico), Keeper Of His Holy Sacredness And Let's Be Honest - Sheer Awesomeness, Preacher Of Truths And Falsehoods, Prophet Of Himself And Maybe Others That He May Or May Not Be Unaware Of, Master Of Magnanimity Towards Those He Chooses For Arbitrary Reasons, Teacher Of The Sage And Insane Chrythises - Chaotologist Extraordinaire, He Who Will Not Be Mocked By Anyone Except Those Who Mock Him And Even Then He Shall Mock Them With Greater Might And Eloquence Previously Thought Impossible By Any Mortal Being (Yet He Remains Mortal And Ephemeral), Interpreter Of Things He Understands Naught, Sinker Of DikshunairyDryver, Creator Of Worlds Located Within Non-Existence, And He Who Does Other Things Too offers no apologies! Mwhahahaha!
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-07-01 18:20:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't even offer an apology for turning my thought meats into soup. It's okay, really I don't mind.
Bastard.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-07-01 18:13:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think my brain melted. :(
Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar (user info) at 2008-07-01 18:06:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
THREE POSTS IN TWO HOURS?
WHO THE FUCK DOES HE THINK HE IS, SNORLAX?
THIS GUY THINKS HE SNORLAX! HE CAN'T DO THAT! HE CAN'T TALK ABOUT SNORLAX LIKE HE'S SNORLAX! DON'T YOU TALK ABOUT HIM THAT WAY!
MINUS FUCKING TWO!