The Birth Of Super Villainy (519 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 0.92 on 14 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Heyzeus (View user info) at 2008-07-02 20:14:09 EDT
Glow in the dark fish... and Jurassic Park That's where it started... and comic books, they had a large part to play in this as well.
Some scientists in some country other than America took DNA from coral and put it into zebra fish and now they glow. Fucking sweet. I was fifteen when they did this and I thought it was the most spectacular thing ever. If somebody could change the DNA of a fish, well shit, why not a human?
In comic books they have these great people that can do anything. They have super strength, and bullet proof skin. So why couldn't I have those things? Pimp my own ride so to speak.
I actually became interested in biology and I researched things on the internet, but ultimately I became lazy. I was a C student at best and I didn't think I was smart enough so I eventually grew out of it and accepted the mundane nature of life and the eventuality of death.
The eventuality of death is actually what brought me back to my obsession with genetic manipulation.
I had completed a semester of college in pursuit of the coveted General Ed. Degree, but I got lazy and dropped out. At twenty years old I was living on my own and working a factory job that paid well, but lead no where. I also had panic attacks in the middle of the night, every night. These panic attacks consisted of an extreme fear of non existence...Death.
This life of waking up, going to work, coming home, spending time with my girlfriend, then going back to sleep just to do it all over again continued until I saw the movie Jurassic Park with my girl friend. I'd seen it before when I was younger, but I hadn't remembered what Jeff Goldbloom's character says in the beginning of the movie.
Honestly I can't remember the exact words, but it was something about standing on the shoulders of great men or great minds. I realized then that I didn't have to be some super genius to achieve my goals. I just needed to learn the information that was already out there. This information that had been gathered by great men with great minds. I would stand on their shoulders and do great things. Great illegal things.
It took eight years. After moving back in with my parents I started going back to school. I took every biology class I could get my hands on. I just kept learning and learning. It turned out that, when I was learning something I wanted to learn, I was an A student. I pursued my goal with such single mindedness that I was surprised when the college I was going to informed me that I had completed enough credits for a masters degree in micro biology.
Now don't misunderstand this story. Don't think that I was some shut-in who never did anything but school. I pursued my goals aggressively but I still had a life. I had friends (one best friend and several acquaintances) and I always managed to make time for the gym, I even got married to my long time girl friend during my sixth year in college. Though my goals always stayed the same.
I realized, after I received my degree, that I had the knowledge to do what I did. Through those years I had begun to build up a lab in my parents basement and my project began. You'd think they would have been suspicious, but I had taken such a completely different direction in my life that they couldn't help but be proud.
I tested my "secret sauce" on two rabbits, a dog and a particularly retarded cat. The cat was the biggest accomplishment. The damn thing had been hit by a car twice and was fully deaf and missing an eye. Within three weeks the eye had grown back and he didn't seem to be quite as retarded as he was. I am proud of the fact that none of my test animals ever died.
The basic secret sauce will remain a secret, as I don't want to incriminate my self any more than I already have. The only reason this kind of thing isn't done more often is because there are strict laws concerning the research that leads to this sort of thing.
There is one thing about the secret sauce I will share and that is that the process takes for-fucking-ever! How it works is, I replace my bone marrow with my secret sauce (which is bone marrow) and the secret sauce fills my body with super stem cells that eventually replace my regular cells with super cells. The key word there is eventually. Those stem cells can only replace dead tissue.
So once a week I would go over to my best friends house(the only person whom I ever told about my project.) and have him beat the ever living shit out of me. Two days later I wouldn't have a single bruise on me. My best friend, who I shall refer to as John as I don't want to record his name, agreed to do this on one condition. If it worked he got the secret sauce too. After four months he couldn't knock me out, he could barely even knock me over. On the fifth month he shattered a baseball bat on my knee, it used to be the other way around. I was damn near unbreakable. Damn near.
The government eventually found out what I did, three years after I did it, and they came after me...hard. Being damn near unbreakable isn't good enough when you're faced with several SWAT teams armed with A12s. For those of you not involved in gun culture, an A12 is a fully automatic 12 gauge shot gun... they hurt.
While I was being interrogated by some very scary looking men I found out some distressing news. Of all the people to rat me out I never suspected my wife whom I had kept in the dark on the whole thing. It turns out while she was getting into her thirties I still looked like a twenty year old hunk. She became suspicious and launched her own little investigation. She broke into my lab and snooped around. She wasn't dumb. She put the pieces together, and it turns out she had a strong moral standing against gene manipulation. It was like playing god, and I had no right. But she didn't know who to call about her husband being a super villain(her words, not mine). A week later she did know who to call.
Apparently I wasn't the first to try this. In 2013 some millionaire got caught trying to clone himself and the government decided to make a special unit inside the FBI that dealt with this sort of thing. Their number was in the phone book. It took my wife a week to find it.
Oh well. She'll get hers. After all, super villains never seem to stay locked up for very long. In fact I think I can hear John now. I hope he still has that retarded cat.
User Reviews
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-07-04 01:32:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
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I DEMENAD PERFECTION YOU CUNT
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-07-03 16:34:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Berty, Flash Harry (F J Bell), et al.
Potential.
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2008-07-03 11:52:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good read.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-07-03 10:56:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i enjoyed it well enough even though i felt kinda dirty for doing so.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-07-03 08:30:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You started out strong with good phrases like this:
"Pimp my own ride so to speak."
But then it kinda devolved toward the end there, into the all too expected comic book routine.
Don't get me long, I love comics, but the ending flat out sucked, as it seems you switched mid-story from what could have been a great sci-fi story, into a ruined romantic comedy.
"Apparently I wasn't the first to try this. In 2013 some millionaire got caught trying to clone himself and the government decided to make a special unit inside the FBI that dealt with this sort of thing. Their number was in the phone book. It took my wife a week to find it."
I would re-work this, fix the middle and end, leave the beginning just as it is, and repost it.
+2 for effort.
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2008-07-03 05:57:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
one day I fear we'll read a story like this on ubersite and all go EH OKAY I GUESS but then it will *actually be true*
dun dun duuuuuuunnn
but not this one. this one's kinda bad.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-07-03 05:21:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
... Well quite.
10 out of 10 for effort. Really. I can see what you wanted to do here but I'm afraid you need to elaborate more on details, charachteres, events, charachter motivation and pay more attention to dramatic tension.
Also the idea is rather hackneyed. And by 'rather' I mean 'extreemly'.
It shows promise though! Determination too. Some wise fool once said "you've got to spend a long time writing out all the bad words in you before you can write the good ones" so keep at it.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-07-03 05:10:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Now don't misunderstand this story. Don't think that I was some shut-in who never did anything but school. I pursued my goals aggressively but I still had a life. I had friends (one best friend and several acquaintances) and I always managed to make time for the gym, I even got married to my long time girl friend during my sixth year in college.
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I didn't like this attempt to stay 'cool' to the reader. Real supervillains don't have friends, they have henchmen. Real supervillains are weedy geeks who could only get a girl once they are all-powerful.
Submitted by JungleJme (user info) at 2008-07-03 04:44:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-07-03 03:16:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 glow in the dark fish
Submitted by frankthebear (user info) at 2008-07-03 00:19:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I've heard of this secret sauce you're referring to, it's usually just Thousand Island salad dressing with extra relish mixed in. now if you want real super powers, you're gonna need to get your hands on some plutonium. I'll tell you the rest later if you're interested.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-07-03 00:15:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
ehffort
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2008-07-02 21:38:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Effort
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-07-02 20:25:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
eh.