My Cousin Loves Cripples Too (970 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.38 on 30 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Tinactin (View user info) at 2008-07-03 22:33:19 EDT
I was under the impression that I was dating a double amputee once. It took me a while to discover she was simply short and lazy. I abandoned her dangling, oh-so functional legs in the front portion of a shopping cart at Ralphs, after a friend of mine taught me how to drop off chicks at grocery stores. I've never quite gotten over it, but this isn't about me. It seems that cripple fascination runs (well, crawls) deep within the veins of my family's bloodline. My cousin Hannah recently put an ad out on an online dating service.
I was minding my own business at home the other day when my phone rang.
"Yo, Tinacteria, home of the spicy enchilada. What's your beef?"
"Ummm..is Hannahlolas there?"
"Who?"
"Hannalolas"
This guy called my phone asking for my cousin by her fucking website user name. It would be one thing if, like me, she used her real name as her internet moniker, but Hannalolas isn't even close to a legitimate name.
"You mean Hannah? Who is calling?"
"A friend. Just a friend," he said with the quiet murmur and nervousness of a guy renting porn at a local video store in front of a woman with kids. (really, though, there's no reason to be nervous. What, kids don't jack off?)
"The guy who plowed Biz Markie's woman? Who is this?"
"This is Sanjib, may I talk to Hannah?"
Now I've been a little wary of guys calling for my cousin in the past, because she falls in love easily and is a bit of a whore. The last thing she needs is an STD or pregnancy. (personally, if anything I am over cautious. I like to sprinkle crushed morning after pills on my bowls of lucky charms in the morning, just to keep my mouth from impregnating any marshmellows, because the last thing I need is some full blue moon bitching about the way I'm starting to look at the four leaf clovers) Illegitimate kids are a financial burden, and nobody likes those. But then I remembered that I don't really care, and proceeded to hand her the phone. They set a date for last night.
When he arrived at my house, I expected an Indian guy with a rocking soul patch and badass attitude, a man who didn't take shit from anyone except his prearranged betrothed. Instead I got a guy with a stump instead of a right hand and two fingers on his left hand,
relaxed into the "hang loose" position. He reached forward to shake my hand and the pinchers bent it in half, so now every time I high five someone, they can't help but make a comment about suicide doors. I wanted to blow sand into his eye so he would wink and make Buckwheat's "otay" face, but I broke my last hourglass just the other day. These are the days...
Anyway, I don't know how he managed to drive, but they left and went to the movies. I had a few hours peace before he came back and they began to make out.
They laid down on her bed (unfortunately placed in the living room) and melted into a cheesy quesadilla of tongues and bodily fluids. He magically made a condom appear behind her ear but had to twist his entire arm around to twirl it and a handstand to reposition himself on top of her. As he held it to her ear, he appeared as a safecracker, listening carefully for the correct combination of lies and compliments it might take to ditch the condom and explode on her. Alas, he was physically challenged and heard not this combination sound, but merely that of the twirling of cellophane. And at that point I made my exit.
From the details I've archeologically unearthed from her mouth and mattress I've pieced together the most likely tale of what actually happened. As her thighs collapsed around his ears and her back arched upward, the dot on his forehead exploded in a shower of sparks and red stuff. The increased altitude and air pressure temporarily damaged his hearing.
"Oh my God, I love you", she wailed.
He looked up for a moment and smiled.
"I nub you too", he said, before sticking his arm in and wristing her halfway up to the elbow.
Attached is an actual picture of his hand.
User Reviews
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2008-07-10 12:20:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2008-07-07 20:10:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-07-07 12:02:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2008-07-07 10:12:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I had to +2 this simply for the cripple freestyling! Fucking A guys, we need a cripple freestyle post.
I fucking Lolled and almost shat a little reading this one...
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2008-07-04 09:51:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Uhh, yeah, tell me how my nub tastes.
OK.
Wavin' stumps in the air
All you otha niggas beware
Terrorist, in the makin'
You know brother Sanij isn't fake'n
Workin hard on motherfuckin bombs
Til one day all his digits are gone
You ain't no use to Allah now, son
Give up your turban, B
You're motherfuckin done.
Osama, you can't do it without me. Tell me, how's my nub taste.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2008-07-04 17:06:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What do you call a black bitch that had 8 abortions?
A Crime Fighter.
Submitted by The-Armed-Samurai (user info) at 2008-07-04 15:45:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2008-07-04 13:53:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
So Shaq can freestyle and you cant?
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2008-07-04 13:49:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i'm too lazy to reply in frestyle, its fucking friday afternoon
what happened to the illegally parked frog?
it got "toad" away
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2008-07-04 13:37:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Back and forth up wit da claw
Dicin up clits and shit like cole slaw
Bitches be doin lines off my stump
While I pull out their hair by the clump
Sebastian he lives right undah da sea
Feelin like he sing song dat one about me
Ive got at least twelve fingers and toes
I fuck more hoodrats than Pauly Snubnose
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2008-07-04 12:42:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fist you wit da hook hand
Not comin' bland
Like sugar on your cheerios
I'm blowin up the spot like coolio
One two
Three nubs and a stump is what he got
He don't need help smokin' pot
Spark up that bowl son
And let the rhymes flow son
He'll tell you one thing though
He ain't handicaped
He's handicapable.
Word.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-07-04 11:01:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2008-07-04 10:42:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
fuck you, west coast
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2008-07-04 10:37:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Are we cripple rap freestyling? I think it's too early in the morning for that shit
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2008-07-04 10:17:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
sanjib, sanjib, the badass cripple
no doubt that paki got mad hairy nipples
he's an online playa, he talks the talk
too bad that nigga got hands like an ewok
he banged tinactins cousin, so thats kinda pathetic
someone get this nigga a high class prosthetic
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-07-04 10:16:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Crips for the win.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2008-07-04 10:05:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Im sorry, I'll try to write my next post about the manager at Best Buy. Fag.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2008-07-04 09:51:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Uhh, yeah, tell me how my nub tastes.
OK.
Wavin' stumps in the air
All you otha niggas beware
Terrorist, in the makin'
You know brother Sanij isn't fake'n
Workin hard on motherfuckin bombs
Til one day all his digits are gone
You ain't no use to Allah now, son
Give up your turban, B
You're motherfuckin done.
Osama, you can't do it without me. Tell me, how's my nub taste.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2008-07-04 09:03:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I NUB YOU TOO
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAAAAAAA
I liked the description of the sexual encounter too.
Submitted by myshit (user info) at 2008-07-04 04:41:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh, I was expecting something so much better that this from it's rating.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-07-04 01:33:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
SHAMONE!
Submitted by MichaelJackson (user info) at 2008-07-04 01:05:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
THE EXACT SAME THING HAPPENS WHEN I GO OUT DRINKING WITH APOLLO!
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2008-07-04 00:45:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
woof
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2008-07-04 00:18:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love it when Tinactin posts.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2008-07-04 00:04:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2008-07-04 00:04:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
DAMMIT
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2008-07-04 00:03:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
OH MY GOD
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2008-07-03 23:32:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, yeah!
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2008-07-03 23:12:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
That or the lack of self-esteem
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2008-07-03 23:10:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The hottest things about amputees is their deformity.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-07-03 23:09:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment