Birth Of Super Villiany (with more effort) (386 hits)
Category: NoneRating: -0.75 on 11 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Heyzeus (View user info) at 2008-07-04 01:05:23 EDT
Glow in the dark fish... and Jurassic Park That's where it started... and comic books, they had a large part to play in this as well.
Some scientists in some country other than America took DNA from coral and put it into zebra fish and now they glow. Fucking sweet. I was fifteen when they did this and I thought it was the most spectacular thing ever. If somebody could change the DNA of a fish, well shit, why not a human?
In comic books they have these great people that can do anything. They have super strength, and bullet proof skin. So why couldn't I have those things? Pimp my own ride so to speak.
I actually became interested in biology and I researched things on the internet. I found out about all kinds of cool things like radiation proof bacteria and... well honestly the radiation proof bacteria made me just about bust a nut. I mean if you could take that property and place it in a human cell, that alone, would be pretty bad ass.
Ultimately I became lazy. I was a C student at best and I didn't think I was smart enough so I eventually grew out of it and accepted the mundane nature of life and the eventuality of death. That's funny because the eventuality of death is actually what brought me back to my obsession with genetic manipulation.
I had completed a semester of college in pursuit of the coveted General Ed. Degree, but I got lazy and dropped out. At twenty years old I was living on my own and working a factory job that paid well, but lead no where. I also had panic attacks in the middle of the night, every night. These panic attacks consisted of an extreme fear of non existence...Death.
Does any body else get these? I mean doesn't it just bother the living fuck out of you to not know what happens when you die. Whether or not you just cease to be, or you get judged for your life. I mean the idea of an after life is swell but how do I know. My girlfriend told me faith was....aww fuck! I can't even remember what the damn bible verse was. It had to with, if you hope it will happen then you have faith. I told her that was the most retarded thing I had ever heard. Yea I hope there is an afterlife but that doesn't mean shit. I could hope that hundred dollar bills would come goose stepping out of my ass, that doesn't mean I have faith that it will happen. My point is, I don't want faith, I want knowledge. I want to know.
That life of waking up, going to work, coming home, spending time with my girlfriend, then going back to sleep just to do it all over again continued until I saw the movie Jurassic Park with my girl friend. She really liked that movie. I'd seen it before when I was younger, but I hadn't remembered what Jeff Goldbloom's character says in the beginning of the movie.
Honestly I can't remember the exact words, but it was something about standing on the shoulders of great men or great minds. I realized then that I didn't have to be some super genius to achieve my goals. I just needed to learn the information that was already out there. This information that had been gathered by great men with great minds. I would stand on their shoulders and do great things. Great illegal things.
It took eight years. Eight years of being a tight ass. It takes a lot of money to do what I did. Once and orphan asked me for a penny.
"Please sir, I have ninety nine cents all I need is a penny to get this chocolate bar." he begged.
"Do you mean this penny? The one I just picked up off the ground? This penny that is covered in dirt and what I can only assume is gum?" I inquired to the small and quite possibly starving child.
"Yes sir." He beamed up at me with his crooked teeth.
I weighed the thought for a moment and made my decision. "No...no..." I sighed. "I need it."
After moving back in with my parents I started going back to school. I took every biology class I could get my hands on. I just kept learning and learning. It turned out that, when I was learning something I wanted to learn, I was an A student. I pursued my goal with such single mindedness that I was surprised when the college I was going to informed me that I had completed enough credits for a masters degree in micro biology.
Now don't misunderstand this story. Don't think that I was some shut-in who never did anything but school. I pursued my goals aggressively but I still had a life. I had friends and I always managed to make time for the gym... okay I had one friend, named John, and the only time we really hung out was at the gym. I was a bit of a shut in but I still managed to hold down a life, I even got married to my long time girl friend during my sixth year in college. Though my goals always stayed the same.
I realized, after I received my degree, that I had the knowledge to do what I did. Through those years I had begun to build up a lab in my parents basement and my project began. How fucked up is that? I started out in my parents basement! It wasn't a meth lab, it was a fucking genetic research lab! I had test animals and weird shit growing out of petri dishes, you'd think they would have been suspicious.
Time passed and I made progress. It was my decision to bring my best friend in on the project that really turned it into a new direction.
"Holy fuck beans you're nuts!" John said to me from across the table, after I had explained the whole situation. "Do you really think you can make yourself into a super hero?"
"Why not? I already did it to a cat." I said as I pulled my cat out from underneath the table.
"You've been doing genetic testing on Buttsex?" I didn't name him, my wife did. "He looks different. What did you do to him?"
"His hair is shorter. It's just starting to grow back after I lit him on fire two days ago."
"The fuck is wrong with you!?"
"What? He's fine. Look at him. Couldn't be happier. You're happy, aren't you Buttsex? Yeaa you're happy!" I ruffled the top of Buttsex' head and continued. "Considering he was completely covered in third degree burns and now he's completely fine, you don't get excited about that. I'm disappointed. It's not like I did to him what I did to the squirrels."
"What did you to the squirrels?!"
"It doesn't matter what I did to the squirrels. What matters is that I succeeded in coming up with a way to make my self better than I was. Stronger, faster, smarter, taller, better looking, bigger penis, I can make my self any way I want, and I'll live forever! Well maybe not forever but..."
"You can really do all that stuff?"
"Of course. We isolated the penis gene years ago."
"I mean all the other stuff, the whole live forever thing and being super strong. You can do that?"
"Yea, but in order to do it to my self I need your help."
"How do I know you're not just fucking with me?"
"For fuck sake!" I reached under the table and pulled out a shot gun loaded with bird shot. Buttsex saw the gun and recognized it. He leapt from the table, but I was faster. He got hit mid leap and flew across the room. He laid on the ground for a moment, giving John ample time to scream obscenities at me, before getting up, shaking his head and running for the cover of a near by table. I put the gun back in the rack and crouched down. "I'm sorry buddy. Come here so daddy can take a look at you." Buttsex slowly made his way over to my hands where I picked him up and put him on the table. He sat down while I petted him as if nothing had happened. "Now John, let's try not to focus on the fact I just shot a cat, point blank, with a shotgun. Instead let's try to focus more on the fact that I shot a cat, point blank, with a shot gun and now he's sitting here with no more than a few tufts of missing hair."
He sat for a long time with out saying a word. A minute passed, then two. "Alright, what do you need?"
"I need you to learn how to do one itsy bitsy tiny little medical procedure. Doctors learn how to do hundreds of medical procedures, I just need you to learn how to do one."
"What is it?" He asked with entirely no enthusiasm in his voice whatsoever.
"A bone marrow transplant."
User Reviews
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-07-04 17:35:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OH SURE!!! now I SEE YOU CHANGED THE SPELLING. ASSWIPE!!
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-07-04 17:34:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dear HeyWhatTheFuckEver: You misspelled the ZEUS portion of your name. Just sayin'. . .
Submitted by heyzues (user info) at 2008-07-04 13:38:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by KirillovianShitStain (user info) at 2008-07-04 04:01:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by KirillovianShitStain (user info) at 2008-07-04 03:44:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Jeff GOLDBLUM was quoting Issac Newton. "If I have seen further, it is by standing on the shoulders of giants."
I didn't read the original, but if you're going to revise something, it shouldn't suck so much.
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And let me elaborate. You couldn't even stand on your own shoulders to see a few inches further because you're a tiny weak piece of shit. This was a revision? You used feedback? People actually lent you their shoulders, and you still couldn't see a fucking thing. Shit stain.
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Okay... so because I wrote a story that wasn't up to par with the high quality submissions usually writen on this wonderful site, I'm a tiny weak piece of shit. That was completely uncalled for. You couldn't just stick with harsh criticisms, you had to go to personal insults. You sir are an ass. An angry angry little ass.
Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2008-07-04 13:25:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
WTF? I'M NOT READING ALL THAT!
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-07-04 11:44:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
So I guess this was pretty rubbish.
Submitted by Littlebint (user info) at 2008-07-04 04:34:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Gawd! but you tried I guess, even if it does feel like you were taking the piss.
and reference the review below: How does one actually stand on their own shoulders?
Submitted by KirillovianShitStain (user info) at 2008-07-04 04:01:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by KirillovianShitStain (user info) at 2008-07-04 03:44:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Jeff GOLDBLUM was quoting Issac Newton. "If I have seen further, it is by standing on the shoulders of giants."
I didn't read the original, but if you're going to revise something, it shouldn't suck so much.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And let me elaborate. You couldn't even stand on your own shoulders to see a few inches further because you're a tiny weak piece of shit. This was a revision? You used feedback? People actually lent you their shoulders, and you still couldn't see a fucking thing. Shit stain.
Submitted by myshit (user info) at 2008-07-04 03:55:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Couldn't really get through it. I stopped after you spoke about your cat buttsex.
People who think it's REALLY cool to name a pet buttsex, or kickme or any other childish name are just... erm... well, childish really.
But at least you did listen to the advice fedback on the first version and TRY to improve it.
Submitted by KirillovianShitStain (user info) at 2008-07-04 03:44:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Jeff GOLDBLUM was quoting Issac Newton. "If I have seen further, it is by standing on the shoulders of giants."
I didn't read the original, but if you're going to revise something, it shouldn't suck so much.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2008-07-04 02:34:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
No no no. This really irritated me.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-07-04 01:41:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
negative review
(minus two)