Shut your dick pantries and hear how it really happened (850 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.47 on 18 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Drew "ajanssen" Janssen (View user info) at 2008-07-04 02:03:06 EDT
Independence Day
Eleven score and 9 years ago our forefathers, like an accidentally knocked up hooker, conceived a brand new nation dedicated to corporate fraud, dodging taxes, and having fun at the Indian's expense. The 4th is a holiday that should be honored and revered by all. If I remember correctly, it went something like this.
In 1776, America was a sloppy collection of British colonies sending furs, tobacco, and bad sitcoms back to England in exchange for tea (it wasn't even that good, sweet iced tea you get at Waffle House), tampons, and typhoid infected "trick" blankets for the Indians. After their sub-par tea was dumped in the ocean, King George III was highly pissed. The Americans decided to cut the foreplay and jumped on the moment, firing on the red-coat bastards at Fort Knox. The Revolution was now more than just pillow talk.
Who had the balls to do this? Washington was in charge of the army because he was on the quarter. Jefferson was forced to write the term paper- the Declaration of Independence. This was because he was only on the shitty nickel and it was common knowledge that he was banging one of his slaves who looked just like Aunt Jemima from the pancake syrup bottle.
Betsy Ross sewed the flag and sequined G-strings for any hot, black slave women that knew how to "drop it like it's hot" so they could get off the plantation and star in rap videos.
Samuel Adams was in charge of the refreshments. I hear he brews a delicious Boston Lager but I wouldn't know. Who drinks that shit?
Paul Revere went tear-assing down the boulevard on his horse, screaming at the top of his lungs to warn the colonists. "The British are coming!! The British are coming.....ON YOUR MOTHER'S ASS!!!"
He was immediately arrested for a DWI. This wasn't the first time he had left the strip club after closing when the ugly light come on and tore through the neighborhood on his horse completely wasted and running stop signs and the like.
Ben Franklin, who was widely regarded as the biggest nerd in America, took his virgin ass overseas to seek military help from(no laughing please)France.
As a sidenote, Washington later soundly spanked France in The French and Indian War. A fist fight turned ugly over rigged black-jack tables in the Indian casinos.
These patriotic, freedom fighters set their VCR's so as not to miss Trading Spaces, grabbed their guns and their balls, and marched off to bitch slap some Brits. Washington held a secret grudge against them because at dinner parties when people would crack the timeless joke about the Brits and their bad teeth, it was difficult for him to join in on account of his own large, wooden, horse-like teeth. He developed a terrible complex. He went on the whip them at Wellington, Concord, and other places I can't seem to recall. And there you have it, a nation was born.
On this 4th I urge you to be an American that would make these forefathers proud and get out there and defile yourselves with strong drink and loose women. To all you tree-hugging, dolphin banging, war-bashing vaginas, I'm only asking one day from you to act like men and Americans. So quit your belly aching and shut your fucking cock holsters. Do something productive this year, I don't care what. Shoot bottle rockets at illegal Mexicans, get a hand job from a hooker, back-hand the Arab that asks for your ID while purchasing liqour, club a baby seal, chain smoke cheap cigarettes, park a pick-up truck on blocks in your front yard, I don't care. Just do something patriotic and quit your fucking bitching.
User Reviews
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2008-07-07 20:07:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ok
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-07-07 12:05:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2008-07-05 15:30:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
drew the fornicator does it again
Submitted by KirillovianShitStain (user info) at 2008-07-05 02:46:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I did something patriotic. I worked for twelve hours. I'm just bitter.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-07-04 17:46:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-07-04 13:20:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
ohhh a post about america. EXCELLENT
Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2008-07-04 12:25:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by KirillovianShitStain (user info) at 2008-07-04 03:37:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Why don't you quit your fucking bitching? This could have been a lot better if every word in it was different.
Betsy Ross sewed the flag and sequined G-strings for any hot, black slave women that knew how to "drop it like it's hot" so they could get off the plantation and star in rap videos.
I can't understand what you're trying to say here. Maybe I'm an idiot. More likely, you're an idiot. Explain this
---------------------------
STFU, terrorist.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-07-04 11:09:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-07-04 10:51:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Funny stuff.
I shall do something patriotic by mowing my lawn, swimming in my pool, and watching the fireworks that serve to remind us all of the "rocket's red glare" and "bombs bursting in air" that made it possible for me to have the opportunity to live what I think to be a better life than 98% of the people in the world live and not feel the least bit guilty about it.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-07-04 09:19:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by KirillovianShitStain (user info) at 2008-07-04 03:37:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Why don't you quit your fucking bitching? This could have been a lot better if every word in it was different.
Betsy Ross sewed the flag and sequined G-strings for any hot, black slave women that knew how to "drop it like it's hot" so they could get off the plantation and star in rap videos.
I can't understand what you're trying to say here. Maybe I'm an idiot. More likely, you're an idiot. Explain this.
---
You're the idiot, I'm afraid.
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2008-07-04 09:05:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're an idiot that made me laugh.
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2008-07-04 08:27:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's fine for you, Marge. But I used to rock and roll all night and
party every day. Then it was every other day. Now I'm lucky if I can
find half an hour a week in which to get funky. I've got to get out of
this rut and back into the groove!
-- Homer Simpson
Homerpalooza
Submitted by deej_deej (user info) at 2008-07-04 06:58:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
ha dumb americans
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2008-07-04 04:52:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
DREW, my mother fucker!!!
You're not in prison this week?
Submitted by Littlebint (user info) at 2008-07-04 04:29:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well that gave me a giggle
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2008-07-04 04:20:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ha!
Submitted by myshit (user info) at 2008-07-04 04:03:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I enjoyed this. But then I'm English. I am able to read something related to America without getting all fraught and angry and wanted to star a war with someone.
Submitted by KirillovianShitStain (user info) at 2008-07-04 03:37:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Why don't you quit your fucking bitching? This could have been a lot better if every word in it was different.
Betsy Ross sewed the flag and sequined G-strings for any hot, black slave women that knew how to "drop it like it's hot" so they could get off the plantation and star in rap videos.
I can't understand what you're trying to say here. Maybe I'm an idiot. More likely, you're an idiot. Explain this.