Finding a Balance (1102 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.13 on 52 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Holly Golitely <hollywon1.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2008-07-04 17:26:16 EDT
I'm introspective and always have been, but I doubt that anyone thinks that they aren't, so that is a worthless statement. Maybe, what I really think, is that there has always been a disconnection between who I am by standards of what I present to others, and who I am really. Again, probably true for most people. We all deal with it in different ways, I guess.
For me, it is a bizarre and almost self-destructive process of reconciling the inner and outer self. There are only a few people that I have ever really trusted enough to vocalize these frustrations with when they resonate. Most of them think I'm crazy and/or I write them off with the assumption that I think they do. SO, in order to maintain the outward presentation that I have determined to be the best and healthiest and most successful, I sacrifice (or enable depending on how you look at it) my ability to display my insanity. That is why I sometimes feel sorry for myself and, lately, have been posting on Ubersite. Even then, I'm not really honest and don't state things specifically.
It is a balancing act that we all endure. Some people choose not to deal with it by sitting on the surface of their lives. When they learn how to eliminate the pain, or lessen the potential for it, they've effectively created their own paradox where by they've bought AND wasted some time. I do that. It is still a balance, though, even if the result is a zero gain. Some people overcompensate. I do that, too. It seems to me like a temporary fix which creates a long-term experience of overshooting and undershooting the target- at first by extreme inaccuracies, but slowly correcting itself until you are left with lesson learned but a wake of regret (if you so choose) around you. THEN, you are stuck having to understand and accept THAT. Balance it.
I just finished reading a few books that have changed my perspective on a lot of things and am having difficulty dealing with it. I am disgusted in a lot of fundamental ways, which I was previously oblivious to. I am uncomfortable and lonely and have, when I think about it, recoiled from life. Recoiling is a means of balancing, too :)
They (the changed views and reactions) have translated into every part of my life to varying degrees. I still have to be "myself" to those around me and not bother them with the friction that I am experiencing. That choice did nothing but perpetuate my frustration. I leaned this the other day, when I threw a fit. I called people and cried and tried to describe what I had learned but in all cases but two, (my parents and someone who has managed to love me despite having to experience this several times over the years), it fell on deaf ears. I understand why, but am still left with the task of realigning myself. You would think that I'd be good at it by now, but I'm not.
When I look back at the way I've been feeling lately, I see that I've been wanting someone, everyone, to fix it for me. Aside from the overt spasm and uber posts, no one knows it, though. I'm glad that they don't because that's not a solution. I have to do it; not by myself, but also not in a desperate uncontrollable plea. I have to appreciate the true bonds that I have and be thankful that I can transform and test new waters without fearing that I will be alone after I do. If I invest time in doing it correctly, maybe I will be less alone when I'm done :)
User Reviews
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2008-12-03 01:42:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's interesting to come back after a couple of years and read this...and feel like many of us could have written the same post. Great that you felt comfortable enough to share. I hope you are on the right path now. Best of luck!
Submitted by j0andre1 (user info) at 2008-10-09 11:18:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I vent my insanity through paper-mache' creations of torture that I drip my own blood on.
Wish I could say something to make you feel better, though. Yoga maybe?
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2008-07-11 00:39:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The back and forth between Holly and Experima warms my heart a little.
Submitted by PayMeLater (user info) at 2008-07-09 17:21:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have a bomb shelter stocked with lesbians and dasani.
Submitted by Harmon (user info) at 2008-07-09 14:38:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Someone inform Professor Xavier right away, Experima has mutant healing powers!
hahahahahahahahaah what a tool
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-07-09 14:19:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i can email you some book titles on visualisation and healing if you want, apollo. a family member was close to death on the operating table last year and i used a meditation technique for healing. i'm not claiming it did heal her, anymore than prayer heals people. but i can say i was completely drained afterwards and her blood pressure responded. i asked her exactly what time it did, and she told me it was the hour i did the visualisation meditation for health.
i never told her i did it. it didn't matter to me if she knew it or believed it.
i'm very interested in the things you listed below.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-07-09 14:14:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've recently got very interested in Buddhism, not as a religion, but with regards to brain plasticity, regeneration and the benefits of focussed attention.
I've tried some of the meditating (Tibetan) techniques and the very basic starting point (focus on the act of breathing) is incredibly hard.
My brain can stay focused on it for perhaps a second then a jumble of thoughts jump out.
The work being done at MIT in conjunction with the Tibetan monks is mind boggling and has already lead to real world help for stroke victims, accident victims etc.
I love the fact that Tibetan Buddhism rejects the idea of an all encompassing world view and changes its ideas based on evidence.
I'd love to retrain, work in neurology, and take a year off prior to study some Buddhist techniques properly.
Sadly, that won't happen.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-07-09 13:56:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i reacted because i care about holly. buddhists are allowed to react. why does that make me any less of a person?
i never said i was enlightened. just that i have experienced this and learned a lot, and i do know some things i wanted to share. anyone who goes through life without learning at least something from it is not paying attention.
it's funny how you felt compelled to dissect us, particularly because you seem to find us attractive. why shouldn't we be able to communicate without someone setting us up for an uberbroad deathmatch? I perceived no battle of egos below.
i'm not a 'cunt' who 'fooled herself' into anything. just someone who wanted to offer more than 'kill yourself' or 'get drug addicted.' i've had my share of problems like everyone else. that's no reason to call me a cunt. it's sort of like when people get very angry at vegetarians for being vegetarians, like it's a personal affront to them.
if therefore you're concerned i think i'm 'better than you,' then that's the silliest waste of thinking i've ever heard and i hope holly won't take too much advice from you. but i'm not interested in 'vergedor' i'm only interested in what holly thinks. just baffled by extreme name calling and what seems to be small minded judgment of people just because i felt my experience might benefit her.
hi, rob!
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2008-07-09 13:31:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Berty is a bonk-eyed fool in a wheelchair that sells baubles to unsuspecting children. The Gnome community has already cast a watchful eye upon him; I suggest you don't bring any more attention to him than he's already managed to muster himself.
Submitted by hollygolitely (user info) at 2008-07-09 13:17:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
p.s. berty is god and until you bow down and recognize that fact, you are stuck in a know-nothing existence. OPEN YOUR EYES PEOPLE!
Submitted by hollygolitely (user info) at 2008-07-09 13:03:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
God, I'm annoyed. I'm trying not to be. Why does everything have to be tainted? Why can't people just be happy with what they see and not read into it? Why does it have to be a competition instead of a conversation or simple statement?
Ugh. I don't understand this. That's where the recoiling comes into play. I know that it is better to engage than to not, but it can be frustrating and tiring. One step forward, three steps back.
Submitted by vergedor (user info) at 2008-07-09 10:48:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The post was typical of a person trying to find serenity after a major world and/or self view change.
Not really interesting in itself because it is so common... but the discussion between experima and holly after was way more interesting.
We saw 2 egos in confrontation trying to compete on who would be most Zen, calm and mature lol!
Anyway, if you feel bad, alone, lazy, unmotivated or depressed... try hard drug addictions or slavery or prison. I guarantee you that this introspective existential shit won't matter much when you have to deal with real pain coming from identifiable outside sources.
The only way that people can have an existential crisis is if they have considerable free time, abundant food and comfortable shelter. Remove any of these 3 and you wont have either the time, energy or comfort necessary to depress over introspective abstract stuff.
You don't want to depress? You want to see who you really are and be true to others? put yourself in deep shit then try to get out of it. It's when you are working your way out of deep shit that you really know who you are and what matters to you.
Experima... sounding like a jealous bitch does not make you a jealous bitch... you did not need to react... and the fact that you reacted proved that you are not a modern-day pretty damn good-looking Buddha. Instead, maybe, just maybe (do you know the word hypothesis?), you are a stupid cunt that bullshitted herself into a feeling of enlightenment and think she is a master of existence that can help other reach enlightenment. Or maybe you are really enlightened and, at the same time, a ubersite sex symbol.
Conclusion, like some other user said earlier, I need you to post a reconciliation-sex video with you and Holly on it.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-07-09 03:41:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Balance Below.
Hi M!
Submitted by Charlton_H (user info) at 2008-07-09 03:25:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It's time for you to sit on my face.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-07-09 02:54:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ps: it's midnight here. what time is it where you guys are?
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-07-09 02:52:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
phallic, phallic, phallic. i went on gabbly thinking you might be around to chat earlier. i never do that. neither do you, it seems. haha.
contact info is experima@gmail, holly.
all you need is love
lalalalala
love is all you need
Submitted by hollygolitely (user info) at 2008-07-09 02:51:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
working on it ;)
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2008-07-09 02:41:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I think it would be a very cathartic healing experience if you both (ex and holly) just fucked and posted it on uber
Submitted by hollygolitely (user info) at 2008-07-09 02:40:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
contact info, please....
Submitted by hollygolitely (user info) at 2008-07-09 02:37:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
and now..
I'm in love!
really :)
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-07-09 02:31:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
my first review was based on a lot, and i mean a LOT, of past experiences that taught me a lot, and the advice was based on things that i've learned coming back from those that have helped me. i almost made a list for you.
my mild 'attack' if i've read you correctly, was actually a defense of sorts, as i was taken completely aback by the insecure jealous bitch stuff when i genuinely wanted to engage you after taking a thoughtful interest in you for some reason.
i do wish you'd seen that the first time, but short of offering my phone number, uber is my only way to communicate with you at present.
i honestly don't know very much about you either, since all i've seen recently is your posts about being pretty and such, which, again, honestly, made me wonder if it were a fishing expedition for compliments, since so many people on this site do that.
it's funny. the reason i posted the pictures of myself had zero to do with wanting attention and everything to do with wanting to show an outside person that i don't back down to threats and intimidation and i will do, post, show my face however and wherever i want. it's a long story and that person isn't on uber, but was sort of stalking me through here.
thanks for the pretty compliment though, so are you.
i'm not sure why i'm the only one to engage you, offer a little criticism, take an interest in your feelings at the moment. i'm sorry if you misunderstood my intentions, but i thought due to the nature of your post, you might appreciate it a bit more than "you should drink/do drugs!!" or "good luck" etc.
feel free to email if you like. not sure why you'd like to, but you're welcome to. somehow i felt the 'deaf ears' you've gotten...well, i don't own a pair.
that's all. for what it's worth, an internet stranger cares about you. for some reason.
ps: i'm not a bitch
:)
Submitted by hollygolitely (user info) at 2008-07-09 02:16:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
First, let me say that I re-read everything in order to make sure that I'm seeing it without personal emotion... in that what I might personally have been offended by has somehow clouded my ability to digest or recognize your point(s)..
I don't think that is the case, but am not so arrogant that I might totally disregard the prospect.
Anyway, a few things struck me.
Had the reverse occurred, and I found that I had inadvertently expressed myself in a way that had offended someone, or misrepresented who I think I am, I wouldn't have attacked them again- because that wouldn't have been my point to begin with. I would have seen that I had failed due to their response and seeing as how that wouldn't have been my objective, I would have corrected it. I intentionally responded...to your response... the way that I did because I wanted to see your reaction to junky criticism (even though I don't entirely think that I'm wrong, as I'm sure you didn't) . I don't tend to disguise my apparent advantages with jabs, though. In fact, I don't tend to believe that I have advantages with regard to a person's thought process or feelings or progress at all, but that is because I don't think it makes sense. What I DO have an issue with and will directly protest- probably in the least subtle ways- is outright inconsistency. I think that my friends know that I would never challenge them unless what they are capable of, and what they do, are not synchronized. I chose to harbor feelings until I've rationally worked through them so that I can know that what I do and say is a direct representation of careful analysis.
I just realized the role that Ubersite has played in all of this for me. There were times when I wanted to be part of the community, there were times when I truly didn't, there were times when I used it as a way to get attention, and there recently have been times when I wanted to throw up some thoughts. I think that throwing up is a good analogy because they are just little (probably disgusting) chunks of the things that I have ingested. Thanks again, Bart! :)
So- back to you- which is what this is all about anyway.
I can't say that the first thing that made me ??? was you saying that I most likely "peeked at your pictures" but it definitely made me wonder (more) what the heck you were talking about. So- I am going to do that now.....
I didn't have time for a thorough review of your posts (will, but you know how it is). I see that you have been here for awhile, received a high rating, are very pretty, and can be light hearted.
How was I supposed to already know that? When Ubersite and I were first introduced, I was paid a salary and given free range to do with my computer what I liked. I made friends, knew of the icons- past and at that time- looked forward to ubercons (if only for the posted pictures) and gave a shit. There are people that I don't talk to, but have read their posts since the beginning and I look forward to seeing them and truly feel that I am better because of it. A lot of them don't know it because I don't make it formal or obvious, but they have made a difference in my life.
It's been at least a couple of years since I read posts that were written by names that weren't familiar to me; not because I don't think they are significant- I'm just not who I used to be. I don't need for it to be my primary source of communication. Maybe, I do- it truly has a lot to offer, I just don't feel as drawn. So, I never really knew who you were until today.
I'm sorry. I would like to know more and am sure that we would enjoy each other. I don't think that you meant to judge me or, if you did, you had poor intentions. Thank you for taking the time to help out a stranger.
I'm not going to go back and compare and contrast, or take this any further. I really do think that we have something to offer each other and hope that you do, too.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-07-09 00:50:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
:)
Submitted by hollygolitely (user info) at 2008-07-09 00:47:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm actually involved with something right now, but thank you for replying :)
I'm not done, either, and will get back to this momentarily.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-07-09 00:19:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
oh, and so much for your not revealing your 'true self' to your friends because they wouldn't understand you.
if you fly into babyish little fits like below when someone tries to be honest with you or offer you advice from experience, they probably wouldn't like 'you.'
but i'll refrain from name calling. that's usually reserved for people who have no ammunition for their argument.
oh...
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-07-09 00:05:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
you reveal your immaturities below.
i didn't intend my review to be negative either.
you're not introspective; you're just hoping to hear what you want to hear, apparently.
that makes me jealous? lol. i actually took the time to type that out because i understand what you are feeling.
or i thought i did until your retarded reply.
not my fault you can't look at yourself honestly. if you could you wouldn't have most likely peeked at my pictures and tried to use the 'she's jealous' thing.
you're just mad I said it sounded 19. it did. most people go through this self-absorption when they're much younger than you.
sorry for my honesty, but if you wanted asskissery, posting here was only partially a good idea.
Submitted by hollygolitely (user info) at 2008-07-08 22:45:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
wow. I really wanted to respond to that for a second and give you all of the information so that you would better understand my 19 year old rant. However, in realizing that I have nothing to prove and that I didn't mean for any of this to be negative, I am settled with the understanding that you see what you want to see.
Oh, who the heck am I kidding??
You sound like a jealous bitch who reflects her own insecurities onto people who have long outgrown such deficiencies. You sound like your mouth and head are so full of judgments that to actually reach the state that you so carefully describe would require a total fucking overhaul of your personality because it is a contradiction. Someone who actually follows those guidelines wouldn't also be able to justify being an asshole who makes assumptions and self-righteously delivers a message about growth in such unappetizing ways.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-07-08 20:15:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
* "if honesty is part of the person whom you wish to be"
i hate revision mistakes
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-07-08 20:09:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
there is a difference between introspection and self-absorption. one may lead to meditation, the other may lead to boorishness and a fundamental self-unawareness that masquerades as awareness.
what you need to realise is you're not a special flower. you're not the only one who's felt this way, so neither believe that you are 'different' nor entertain the conceit that nobody understands you.
you don't mention the books you are reading, but the fact that someone else's opinion seems to have changed your life immediately signals that you're very vulnerable, seeking answers, and easily influenced. the same can be said for 'religious experiences;' i'm not insulting you. i'm simply asking you to notice your own weaknesses and the behaviours and thought patterns you're allowing in.
my advice, which you'll receive since you elected to post this on a public forum, is to go outside yourself for a while and concentrate a higher percentage of your energy on others. the part of you that wishes to look within, do so with meditation instead of fear-based angst and 'recoiling.' Recoiling is not a way to balance. It is a way to push away, which swings the balance off kilter.
do you know who you want to be? if so, be that person. further, you are already that person. if honesty is a part of who the person you wish to be is, you will present the same face to yourself as you will to others. anything less is dishonesty.
that all said, this post read like a 19 year old wrote it. has this soul searching been going on for a decade or more? answer that question honestly to yourself, then decide whether you need to start taking some action, growing up, or getting out of your own head.
choose books that enlighten and excite you. those are the only truly helpful ones in the end; all others that frighten or confuse or upset you...that's your heart sending you a signal.
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2008-07-08 18:19:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Yeah, been there. I think it's something that happens to all of us at one point or another. You'll make it through. Piece of advice though - stop reading those books. They aren't helping you.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-07-07 12:17:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I just finished reading a few books that have changed my perspective on a lot of things and am having difficulty dealing with it. I am disgusted in a lot of fundamental ways, which I was previously oblivious to. I am uncomfortable and lonely and have, when I think about it, recoiled from life."
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Sounds like a good reason NOT to read those types of books.
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2008-07-07 10:10:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
shouldnt Method be here cheering you up?
regardless, I feel your pain.
"I suggest you start drinking heavily..."
"I'd listen to him flounder, he's pre-med..."
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-07-07 04:36:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's more like it!
So yes, lobsters. Lobsters are crustaceons (sp?) and so when they grow they have to shed their shell and the new one underneath hardens up.
Shedding a shell is a difficult process, lobsters are not gifted with arms and legs able to reach all of their bodies like we are, and once the armour is disposed of they are very vulnerable. So they tend to hide under a rock untill the new shell is ready.
It is all quite natural. Also it sounds like you've got someone to snuggle up to under your rock and have crazy cuddle times with whilst you sort out your new shell. That's what I reckon anyway.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-07-06 16:19:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
try and believe in yourself
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2008-07-06 15:34:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2008-07-06 13:33:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
what books?
Submitted by Sincere (user info) at 2008-07-05 14:17:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Alright lil miss introspective. Sounds like someone needs chocolate milkshake and a piggy back ride.
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2008-07-05 12:03:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2008-07-05 04:59:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
interesting
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-07-05 04:14:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I couldn't read it all.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2008-07-05 03:27:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like you Holly.
And this was really well stated and precisely explained. I hope things work out for you. We all have personal struggles to deal with. My problem is, I know more or less what is 'wrong' with me, but have very little impetus or will to change it.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2008-07-05 00:18:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I turned on the news tonight and what did I hear? A story about a "tragedy." It seems some of my more hillbilly neighbors (in the regional sense) thought it would be a good idea to let a 6 year old set off roman candles.
5 were rushed to the hospital.
Submitted by Linus (user info) at 2008-07-04 19:34:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I got lazy and I feel stupid writing it out; most have probably come to the same conclusion.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2008-07-04 19:28:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
you put so much thought into life.
you should try drug addiction.
Submitted by Linus (user info) at 2008-07-04 18:53:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I may reply in a separate post about it.
Submitted by hollygolitely (user info) at 2008-07-04 18:24:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Why?
Submitted by Linus (user info) at 2008-07-04 17:47:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This sort of depresses me.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-07-04 17:45:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good luck
been there
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-07-04 17:40:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Unhappy wastes are ubiquitous. DER EBREYWHERE!!!
Submitted by hollygolitely (user info) at 2008-07-04 17:38:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I don't think it is remedial philosophy as much as intro to not being an unhappy waste.
Submitted by billrhine (user info) at 2008-07-04 17:38:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i like this
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-07-04 17:30:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Philosophy 060, beginners only.