My Colonoscopy (974 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.44 on 35 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Nick (View user info) at 2008-07-05 09:00:07 EDT
While completing my annual fire department physical exam the doctor once again highly recommended I have a colonoscopy performed. They have been scaring me since I turned fifty. I kept putting it off because the idea of have something like a garden hose with a light on the end inserted into an area that was designed only for things to exit just didn't appeal to me. Also, the fact that I've had no symptoms gave me that false sense of security. I believed it was just another way for the health care industry to milk us middle class folks with insurance.
This time there was reason to go ahead and get it done.
I try to be as honest as I can and the idea of cheating on tests is something I gave up after my experience as a freshman in college (I ended up with a D in humanities and was acquitted in Honor Court on a technicality.). When it came to the stool sample test I had a relapse and found myself on the wrong side of the law once again.
This part is a little graphic and I apologize if this offends anyone. I'll try to keep it as clinical as possible.
For the annual exam we are asked to place a small smear from two parts of a stool on a special card and bring it in to be analyzed (pardon the pun). We are directed to do this with three separate stools giving a total of six smears. Being that I've never had a "positive" result and I don't really like fishing, I made six smears out of one sample.
Well wouldn't you know, one of the six came back positive. I figured it had to be a "false positive" because I knew the truth. I wasn't about to tell the doctor how I collected the sample. I didn't want to chance going to Stool Sample Honor Court and hope for another break. I no longer had an excuse to put off having a colonoscopy performed.
I use the word "perform" because, for those of you who are unfamiliar, it is more than just a procedure. It's an event that basically covers a two day period and it involves the actions of many players.
Naturally the star of the show is Mr. Fleet Phospho Soda. It sure beats an enema but let me tell you for those who haven't had the pleasure, this is strong medicine. First, you are instructed the day before the actual procedure to drink only clear liquids. At 4:00 p.m. you are to take your first dose of the soda. I won't go into details here but two hours after the second dose taken at 9:00 p.m. there is nothing left in you. I mean nothing!
Here is something I learned that I think is good advice for those who have never gone through this. I spoke with some people who already had the procedure and they said it was real uncomfortable. I didn't find it that way. I attribute that to a couple of factors. I made sure that the days before I didn't eat much and what I did eat had plenty of fiber. Also, when they said the more clear liquids you ingest the easier the prep, they were right. The day before consisted of drinking lots of water interspersed with lots of Jell-o and clear broth. Yummy. I never felt hungry because my stomach was always full. So was my bladder, which required emptying quite often. My day was basically drink, pee, sit down; drink, pee, sit down. After 4:00 p.m. it was drink, pee, sit down, drink, evacuate, sit down; drink, pee, sit down, drink, evacuate, evacuate, evacuate.
My appointment was for 6:15 a.m. the following morning. Even though it was like an assembly line, the staff was cordial. The minute I walked in I never stopped. First you change into their pajamas with the opening so wide in the back, all it covered was your front. I guess it's the special colonoscopy version. I asked for a larger size and they just laughed at me. I wish I would have shaved my back. Next they take vitals and an EKG. I wish I would have shaved my chest. Then they start an IV. No big deal but it was weird being the stickee rather than the sticker.
The anesthesiologist came in and told me he was going to give me some medicine that would ensure I would feel nothing and have no memory of what was about to happen to me. I love those guys.
Now things get serious. They wheel me into the procedure room and I see a bunch of smiling faces. I know they were laughing at me, not with me, because I wasn't laughing. The last thing I remember is the anesthesiologist saying, "You may feel a little burning in your wrist." That was it. The next thing I know is I'm wide awake and my wife is in front of me smiling. I still didn't get what was so funny.
In the recovery room the doctor came in and told me all was well. Soon after, a nurse comes in and says you will feel like expelling gas because air is pumped into your bowels for better visibility. I told her they should have used Rain-X. In any case she said that releasing the gas is music to their ears. She left and closed the drapes behind her. Not wanting to disappoint them, I immediately licked my lips, sealed them on my forearm and blew as hard as I could.
User Reviews
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2008-07-28 19:03:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yech. Prostate exams are bad enough. I deliberately picked a doctor with small fingers but I think the SOB waited until I turn my backside and then grabbed a broomstick.
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-07-08 17:11:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Not bad.
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2008-07-08 16:01:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My cheeks ache for you.
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2008-07-07 15:05:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What is with doctors always wanting to shove things up your ass...
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2008-07-07 14:23:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
God I don't want to do that.
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-07-07 14:07:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Holy grammar nazis, Batman! A wall of text!
Submitted by Lurby (user info) at 2008-07-07 13:08:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Thanks to all for the feedback. I'm beginning to learn the boundaries, that is, if there are any.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-07-07 12:24:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Please remember to use spacing in future tales.
"This part is a little graphic and I apologize if this offends anyone."-- HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2008-07-07 12:05:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sounds like a gas.
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2008-07-07 11:56:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hunky dory!!
PML-Great joke!
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2008-07-07 11:37:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i had a tube shoved in the other end. i had to be knocked out for mine. i don't know why they would knock you out for a tube being shoved in your ass...
in my case, i woke up and they said everything looked fine. i saw pictures laying around from other patients and there was a nice pink color to their insides. mine was a bit black. i'd love to get a second opinion, but the only reason i'd want to do that again is for the awesome drugs they give you. i felt fucking awesome and apparently i told the nurse i wanted to fuck her.
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2008-07-07 06:17:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Normally first posts get auto -2.
However this was quite entertaining, nicely written and most importantly, funny!
Well done Mr Lurby, welcome to ubersite! "You can checkout anytime you like, but you can never leave"
Submitted by Littlebint (user info) at 2008-07-07 05:21:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahahaha
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2008-07-06 16:41:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA
FARTS!
*claps hands*
Submitted by Lurby (user info) at 2008-07-06 09:17:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Lurby is the last name of a fictitious character I made up years ago. As part of my occupation I had to take a lot of continuing education courses. When they passed around the sign-in sheet I always made sure Nick Lurby's name was on it. When possible, I'd get another test and "take" the test for him. I even made up a social security number for him.
I turned out that the Human Resources department didn't know what to do with Nick's tests and proof of attendance at the classes so they actually made a folder for him.
On top of that, we used to use his name and my employer's address when donating goods to a nearby children's home.
Not long after, my employer began receiving pre-approved applications for credit cards along with other solicitations for donations.
Submitted by HateMudkips (user info) at 2008-07-06 02:07:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHAHA
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-07-05 06:46:01 PDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You sound like a fun patient. That means a lot. I worked for many moons in healthcare and paients who kept a sense of humour and good nature really made life easier for everyone concerned.
I remember a patient who had to have a colonoscopy. I was over in the clinic talking with a doctor and her nurse when we heard him in the bathroom singing Johnny Cash's "Ring of Fire." He changed the lyrics.
My asshole is a burning ring of fire
They went up, up, up
and the flames burned higher.
And it burns,burns,burns
the ring of fire
the ring of fire.
Submitted by PayMeLater (user info) at 2008-07-06 00:52:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
A proctologist walks into a bank.
When he gets to the counter, he grabs a deposit slip and reaches into his jacket, pulling out a rectal thermometer.
"Goddamnit," he says, "some asshole has my pen."
Submitted by messmind (user info) at 2008-07-05 16:14:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hi nick, wtf is a lurby?
Welcome to Uber, stranger.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-07-05 15:56:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
welcome welcome welcome new person!!!
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-07-05 14:37:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Nice paragraph, Nick.
Next time you respond to a fire, please, throw yourself in it.
Submitted by myshit (user info) at 2008-07-05 14:17:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Lurby (user info) at 2008-07-05 13:45:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
One questions. Why do I have to give a rank value to when I reply to a comment?
------------------
I think I know what you are asking.
You don't is the answer, at least not to your own posts.
On MY posts you select +2 because you think I'm awesome.
On Everyone else' you select -2 because you think they are a bunch of snivelling cock sucking motherfuckers.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2008-07-05 13:56:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Rank value? holy shit.
Submitted by Lurby (user info) at 2008-07-05 13:45:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks to all for the tips.
I will now practice one by creating space between paragraphs.
Thanks also to those who found the same humor I did in this experience.
One questions. Why do I have to give a rank value to when I reply to a comment?
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-07-05 13:45:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha...good old, predictable apollo.
you should be in charge of train schedules, old man.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-07-05 13:42:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
<taps uber> Uh? Is this thing on?
WTF? Below.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-07-05 13:38:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good first post, guy.
plenty of excellent advice below.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2008-07-05 13:30:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't post on weekends.
Hit the enter button twice before starting a new paragraph.
Respond to every comment with your own comment and you will reach most heated in an hour.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2008-07-05 13:28:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Wait a minute...they knocked you out for a colonoscopy? If you don't stay awake you don't get to see what your colon looks like, except for the 3 by 5 greeting card pic they hand you afterwards. Stay awake and after the pain comes, skate it off, you pussy.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2008-07-05 13:17:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
What surprised me about my first colonoscopy was how hairy my ass looked as the camera approached my asshole.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-07-05 12:56:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good story. Lots of people get caught on the paste-from-word-and-lose-the-spaces.
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2008-07-05 11:32:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You poor bastard. Good on you for having a sense of humour about it.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-07-05 10:50:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Double space between paragraphs por favor.
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2008-07-05 09:47:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Decent 1st post +2
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-07-05 09:46:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You sound like a fun patient. That means a lot. I worked for many moons in healthcare and paients who kept a sense of humour and good nature really made life easier for everyone concerned.
I remember a patient who had to have a colonoscopy. I was over in the clinic talking with a doctor and her nurse when we heard him in the bathroom singing Johnny Cash's "Ring of Fire." He changed the lyrics.
My asshole is a burning ring of fire
They went up, up, up
and the flames burned higher.
And it burns,burns,burns
the ring of fire
the ring of fire.
We gave him an ovation when he came out.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2008-07-05 09:17:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Welcome to Uber! Please pick up an unjustifiable ego, poor grammar and a penchant for throwing hysterical fits when someone questions you as you pass through the foyer.
Also, formatting with spaces won't hurt.
After reading the title I'm just glad it wasn't a picture post.