Hard Time (584 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.18 on 17 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by vexx (View user info) at 2008-07-06 20:28:08 EDT
Steven: Hi Grandma
Joan: Steven, what on earth are you wearing?
Steven: It's a bowtie. Mom says I have to make this quick. How are you doing?
Joan: It looks perfectly ridiculous. Take it off.
Steven: Mom bought it for me. She was very specific in that she wanted me to wear it today. How are they treating you?
Joan: Like the bloody black hole of Calcutta. The guards have no sense of humor. You should have seen the look on their face when I asked to drive the cruiser into the police station.
Steven: You were arrested for grand theft auto.
Joan: Attempted, sweetie. Attempted grand theft auto. And it was my own car, so it doesn't count. As far as I'm concerned they were just borrowing it.
Steven: And stealing it back from the impound lot was your pound of flesh.
Joan: Steven. It's good to see you.
Steven: That's what I'm here to talk to you about...
Joan: I refuse to hear another word until you take off that bloody bowtie. A cravat should point down. To accent the genitals. You look like Pee-Wee Herman.
Steven: Joan, please.
Joan: You sound like your mother. Where is she, by the way? I imagine halfway between 3pm tennis and 4pm Valium-nap.
Steven: She's in the car. Chainsmoking.
Joan: Well. No matter. Another inmate told me about an adventure for us to go on once the Gestapo lets me out.
Steven: Grandma...
Joan: There's a bohemian festival in South Windsor. Poetry. Jazz. I heard about this one performance art piece. They're going to recite the entire Constitution while whipping himself with a cord of hot dogs. I'm not sure if I get the significance yet but it sounds fantas-
Steven: I can't see you anymore.
(Beat)
Joan: tastic.
Steven: We've always been so close and you have to know I appreciate everything you've done for me. You're probably my favorite person, but I've got things to think about. High school starts in the fall. I can't be woken up at 5am to celebrate the rites of the equinox...
Joan: Oh Steven, give me some credit. We both know who's idea this was.
Steven: No, it's not.... She said this was the last straw. She just thinks that I'd be happier with kids my own age. And why can't you just bake brownies and play bridge look everyone else's grandmother? Who don't talk to each other through prison bars or...
Joan: Do you want brownies?
(Beat)
Steven: Mom has Luisa make them for me all the time. She keeps forgetting I'm allergic to chocolate.
Joan: Do you know why I stole back the car from the lot. Attempted. Attempted to steal back my car from the lot.
Steven: No. They say you haven't told them anything. Or even asked to call Mr. Saurer.
Joan: Take off that bowtie and I'll tell you.
Steven: Is it really that bad?
Joan. Yes. It is.
(Steven takes it off)
Steven: But I have to put it on when I go back outside. Mom says it's made from Egyptian something. Now why? You know if you had just asked we could have given you the money to pay for it.
Joan: For you, Stevey.
Steven: What?
Joan: Yes. Your grandfather bought us that car. After thirty years of working in that manufacturing plant—it was all he talked about. His face lit up when he talked about carburetors and torque and things I don't even know about. You have to remember this was before Howard met your mother. We didn't have anything. He worked doubleshifts for years to buy that damned thing. When he took me out to the garage and showed it to me I thought he was going to fellate that Chevrolet Stingray. Sorry. I know. But his whole attitude changed-- like he didn't have to be ashamed of what the neighbors had anymore. Like our son didn't have to be ashamed into marrying into the Rothermeres. "Now that is an auto-MOBILE," he said.
Steven: I never saw him drive it.
Joan: I was the one who found him. The next day in the passenger seat. Coronary. He only got to drive it once. Then when your mother got into talks about the will and advancement and getting that lawyer involved. Well you'll forgive me for saying I'd rather die than see that bitch driving it to garden parties.
Steven: So where'd it go?
Joan: With your grandfather. Where else. I parked it next to his grave in the cemetery and wouldn't let anyone move it. He fought so hard for that car it's only right to let him take a nap with it for a while. The transit authority towed it when I went to the store to buy more gin. And when I get out of here, it's going back there. Some way or another. Until you turn 16 and it will go to you.
(Steven's phone rings. He looks at it, hits silent and looks up.)
Steven: Thank you, grandma. (He shoves the bowtie into his pocket.) I'll be back next Thursday.
User Reviews
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-07-07 13:06:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
heartwarming.
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-07-07 13:05:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-07-07 12:36:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think that's the first post written like a script that I've actually liked.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-07-07 12:42:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-07-07 12:36:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think that's the first post written like a script that I've actually liked.
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2008-07-07 08:52:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That was really sweet, and funny at the same time. I really liked it.
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2008-07-07 08:47:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
bowtie!
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2008-07-07 07:36:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Touching.....
Like a sex offender.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-07-07 06:02:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is really good.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-07-07 04:36:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Granny +2
Submitted by loveinbrevity (user info) at 2008-07-07 04:35:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I like where this is going. Perhaps you could develop it into a narrative.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-07-07 03:28:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
its early and i wish to be in bed with czwij or FG, either or
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2008-07-07 03:26:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good story
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2008-07-06 23:11:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
needs more incest
Submitted by frankthebear (user info) at 2008-07-06 22:22:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/98099
grandmothers can be pretty cool sometimes
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2008-07-06 20:44:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha
Submitted by vexx (user info) at 2008-07-06 20:33:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
stfu dinosaur
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-07-06 20:29:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
What the fuck