Reasons I am not Ready for the Corporate World: 1) My Blue Shirt (931 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 0.46 on 29 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Grownasskid (View user info) at 2008-07-08 09:21:43 EDT
About four years ago, I bought a royal blue shirt from a department store. I needed something for some stupid college formal, and since I have the fashion sense of a blind toddler, I went with the most neutral thing I could think of.
Since then, it has been the corner stone of any outfit involving slacks. Any occasion that calls for me to look like I hadn't been sleeping all day warrants ol' blue. Since my recent entry into the working world, I might wear this shirt three times in a given week. Even as I type this, the shirt is snugly hugging my upper body.
The problem is that this shirt, my go-to nice shirt, is about as shabby as a dress shirt can get and still be called a dress shirt.
Thanks to my inability to properly do laundry (and my...um...love affair with Oreo cookies), the shirt has shrunk down a size, making it stretch tight across my flabby belly. The sleeves are also a few inches short, giving me a sort of "going to my first communion" look. Another side effect of my inefficient laundry habits is my lack of an iron, giving my blue shirt a perma-wrinkle that is usually reserved for poorly folded road maps and old people from Florida.
Even if I forgive the fact that the shirt, my go-to nice shirt, is both too small and shamefully creased, there is the whole button issue. The shirt has got six slits, but only five buttons. Now, this wouldn't be a huge problem if I was missing the first button from the top, for example. If that were the case I'd just cover it up with a tie. And I could probably get away with it if the shirt was lacking the last button, I'd just hitch my pants up a little higher and no one would be the wiser.
No, both those situations would be too easy. Sadly, this poor blue shirt, my finest shirt, my go-to nice shirt, is missing the fifth button from the top. For those scoring at home, that's the button about four inches above my belly-button, half way up my sternum, dead center of my massive frame. It is impossible to miss, especially since there is a grey stain caused by god-knows-what right next to the lonely button slit. As if the lack of button wasn't enough.
This, of course, leads to the following exchange every morning:
FADE IN - Chubby 20-something, thinning hair and dim-witted face, stands stupidly in elevator / subway car / hallway / where ever. He is approached by a kindhearted anyone, well dressed and beautiful, looking to help the scalawag get his shit together before another day at the office.
ANYONE:Excuse me, but I think you missed a button there.
ME: (Without looking down) Oh, no. This shirt is missing a button. But thank you.
ANYONE: (With a pitying smile) Oh, so you're just a slob?
ME: Yes, yes I am.
FADE OUT
I know it won't always be this way. I am only about a month into my job, and once I get my rent, electricity, water and transportation settled, I'll have enough disposable income to get myself at least one new shirt. But until then, the fact remains that the best shirt I've got hanging in my closet, my go-to fancy shirt, is an ill-fitting, blue fraying rag, missing arguably the most important button and looking like the kind of thing hipsters buy from Goodwill to meet their ironic dress-code standards. And to think, I at one time paid 50 dollars for it.
Considering that this was the shirt I wore when I applied for this cooperate job, it's a wonder I was hired at all.
User Reviews
Submitted by loveinbrevity (user info) at 2008-07-09 06:05:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I really hope you do have a manaquin in your house.
Submitted by tatersninja (user info) at 2008-07-08 19:44:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by tatersninja (user info) at 2008-07-08 19:43:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Wait, do you have a mannequin in your house???
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2008-07-08 19:42:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
as a chubby balding 20-something, i can relate. i too have ol' blue.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2008-07-08 18:55:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Allow me to offer my personal shopping services, at the discounted Uber rate of $75 per hour. Trust me - you need to let a woman dress you.
Submitted by kgbpasha (user info) at 2008-07-08 17:45:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
gaymannequin -1
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2008-07-08 17:39:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I wear one shirt.
My Guiness shirt.
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2008-07-08 16:38:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I have a handful of those shirts. I buy new though. I'm pretty clever like that.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-07-08 16:22:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2008-07-08 15:53:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Could've been better but it wasn't as tepid as the ratings suggest.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-07-08 15:36:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hey what about me!!!
SGT
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2008-07-08 12:55:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2008-07-08 12:47:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2008-07-08 12:27:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2008-07-08 12:16:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Why does this have such a bad rating?
==============================
I thought the same thing...
***
Wanna be my bff?
============
OMG LIKE TOTALLY!!!...
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2008-07-08 12:47:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2008-07-08 12:27:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2008-07-08 12:16:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Why does this have such a bad rating?
==============================
I thought the same thing...
***
Wanna be my bff?
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2008-07-08 12:27:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2008-07-08 12:16:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Why does this have such a bad rating?
==============================
I thought the same thing...
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2008-07-08 12:16:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Why does this have such a bad rating?
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-07-08 11:51:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Why do you have a gay manniquin in your home?
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2008-07-08 11:37:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I too was hoping for a picture of the actual shirt - EPIC FAIL
I think you should remove the "grownass" from your username, I reckon Kid would be more fitting, or perhaps dirtyslobkid.
Most people here at Uber read while at work, I'd put money on "most" of us wearing clean clothes everyday.
Just because you slack off on Ubersite all day doesn't excuse bad self presentation.
Your life = EPIC FAIL.
.... off you fuck and take your broke ass shirt with you.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2008-07-08 11:18:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I hope this isn't going to turn into a series. Buy some shirts.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2008-07-08 11:14:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-07-08 10:31:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
so, you're a fucking slob. you're going to show up one day and there's going to be a bar of soap at your workspace with a note telling you to clean up before you come back. don't be that guy, he ends up living with cats and soul eating rage.
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Actually I had a buddy from college who turned into that guy. Eventually got canned from johnson and Johnson for sleeping in the bathroom after a bender where he showed up in the smae clothes he left work in.
Turns out he just needed a job that fit hs schedule. He started working for a company to promote and distribute beers. He is doing much better now.
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-07-08 10:47:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-07-08 10:31:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
so, you're a fucking slob. you're going to show up one day and there's going to be a bar of soap at your workspace with a note telling you to clean up before you come back. don't be that guy, he ends up living with cats and soul eating rage.
======
writes and publishes his own novels too?
may be considered an 'outsider'?
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-07-08 10:31:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
so, you're a fucking slob. you're going to show up one day and there's going to be a bar of soap at your workspace with a note telling you to clean up before you come back. don't be that guy, he ends up living with cats and soul eating rage.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2008-07-08 10:23:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
slob
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-07-08 10:13:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
If you do not work on your proof-reading skills, you're going to be fired from that cooperate job pretty soon.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-07-08 09:46:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
wear a jumper
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2008-07-08 09:43:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
bib over-alls
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-07-08 09:37:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Wear a jumper.
Submitted by Littlebint (user info) at 2008-07-08 09:30:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
How about removing the bottom button and sowing it into the missing spot? Mind you that would take time and energy on your/your mothers part.
On the other hand there is always the option of stopping being a cheap bastard and buy new shirts. I mean you are actually saying that you wear the shirt 3 times a week? Go BUY NEW SHIRTS! People at your office are laughing at you.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-07-08 09:29:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
What a stiff.
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-07-08 09:26:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
the shirt in that picture is not missing the 5th button down
I mean you have the shirt right....you could have taken a picture of THE SHIRT right
and yet here we are looking at a generic blue shirt without character or depth
i am disappointed