It's not a list, I swear.. (735 hits)
Category: NoneRating: -0.86 on 28 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by tato ninja (View user info) at 2008-07-10 18:42:23 EDT
Lightning shatters the skies, illuminating state-paid cheap labor walls setting the boundaries to my living nightmare. There is nothing they will not ruin, leaving me destitute and alone. I'm not trying to sound emo about it. This is my life. This is my downward spiral my Eternal Abyss. I can't crawl back up but I can shine a 5 watt light to keep myself company. That's all I need. That's all I deserve.
Watching the storms I wish I was anywhere but here. Just outside. Just be able to drink in the rain, to soak my shaking goose-fleshed body in the falling sky. I watch the water beat the ground, making the earth bleed. I yearn to be outside while clashing sky and earth envelope me and my soul and I can scream. Just scream and not be heard.
I graduated high school four months ago. I'll be 18 in 10 months; which is eons away. I am once again stuck behind these concrete walls painted 'donation' white. The same apathetic incarcerators and incompetent assholes with a misconstrued idea of whom and what we are feed us cold broccoli and hard brownies. I mix them together and eat them like its Cheesecake Factory caramel de leche. It's my first day here and already my taste buds have become lethargic or committed ritualistic suicide. I don't really care which. At least they aren't suffering, too.
It's slightly unsettling having anywhere from 2-10 'staff' watching us eat and knowing they won't touch the food. They'll go out for lunch and grab something edible, don't worry too much about them. Stale bread and government cheese glare back at me under fluorescent lighting; mocking my love of both food and beauty. I can't eat here and it drives me insane. I can hear the other people talking. I can't discern what's being uttered, probably idiotic ramblings to keep the shadows away. We all know it's not safe in this place and you have to stay alert.
There is some discrepancy on the rules of school since I've already graduated at the top of my class. I'm forced to go to "school" anyway; I have to because I'm underage. I mostly just play games, nap, and teach math, reading, and science to the other students. They only have one teacher for 7-12th grade; it's hard to teach that many different levels simultaneously and do it well. I can't express the true appreciation I have to be 'taken out of school' because I might be doing massive amounts of drugs on the way there or back. Looking at attendance won't be a way to gauge...attendance, would it? I only have little under a year left; I've already put in six so it's just a drop in the bucket. I'm seventeen and have already had several mid-life crises. Maybe if I had been doing any drugs I could be a tit more appreciative. As it stands I'm more miserable, wretched, and bitter than I thought a person could be without crumbing unnoticed.
I was born and my adolescent mind was trying to shape itself and make sense out of the world around me. My biggest fault to this day was my birth, I think. I understand more each day how deplorable my existence is. I'm sorry, ma.
I just wish there was SOME kind of alternative to ma and state-incarcerated living. Less than a year to go. It doesn't matter anymore. I'm just one life. There are plenty of other good ones out there; and I'm truly happy for them. I learned at a young age how asinine wishes are and that only the weak partake.
From the time I was eleven and ma had begun her raging menopausal period; life has been tattered and I've been a miscreant in her eyes.
I'm so sorry ma I am a girl.
I'm so sorry, ma, I had to do that thing where you grow up.
I'm sorry, ma; I couldn't always be that tiny China-doll with no cares and giggles and buckets upon buckets of worms.
I'd always been a little shit in her eyes, I just had no idea it'd been so long. Apparently, when I came home with her and my brother from the airport is when 'it' started. All the fourteen years of not-so-hidden contempt for me slithered out of her mouth in an attempt at reminiscing my first day in America. I'm sorry ma, I couldn't stop crying. I'm sorry you didn't get quite what you thought you paid for. She's the one who taught me nothing's free in life and nothing's guaranteed. I understand now why she emphasizes those two points so heavily. She has to live with her consequences daily. Oh wait, no she doesn't, she pawns me off instead.
I'm glad she could show me what a piece of filth I am; I know it hurt her to hit me. I could see the disgust in her face from having to touch something as vile as I. I can see her face cringing now. All that disgust and rage directed at me with no filters, nothing to dam her blind rage. No matter what I did or how subservient I tried to be. From not caring to driving separately to family therapy, I couldn't escape her lies, her dementia, her manipulation.
All the family therapists, the in-home counselors, the DHS workers could not stop her. She was like Wonder Woman, if Wonder Woman was solely concerned with not raising a child she bought fair and square. The minute they would say, " I don't think it can possibly be ALL Tato's fault," she would fire them for being, "Young, Stupid, or grossly incompetent." She would write complaints, formerly complain about them. There were three who had just graduated college. I wonder how ma's complaints boded for them. I always apologized, I didn't know what else to do. Where there was hope she would come crashing through my dreams like an over-dosing chimp in a shit factory.
The rooms have cracked linoleum. The paint is chipping off of every wall. I'm starving and not just for food anymore, albeit a rumbling stomach doesn't help alleviate symptoms in this nightmare. The plexi-glass windows are literally my window to the world. A world where I know Brother Bear isn't anyone else's news.
Here I sit feeling the storm around me and letting the rain fall into my eyes, watching the lightning like a 60" plasma in 2002. I have no hope, no dreams, no future. I am not stupid. It's practice in futility. Today I will eat my "fried chicken" which is the same consistency as my "mashed potatoes" (sans gravy if you can believe that) grit my teeth and hold on 'til I see the sun yawning and I can finally rest. Wake up at 6 a.m. and do it again.
Less than a year, Tato, my love.
Less than a year.
User Reviews
Submitted by tatersninja (user info) at 2008-07-13 23:51:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Well I can't really change it now, so um. If you don't like any of my shit, how about you just don't read it dipshit?
Submitted by myshit (user info) at 2008-07-13 06:55:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Fuck off with your Ninja shit name monkey fucker.
Submitted by zoobie2000 (user info) at 2008-07-11 23:38:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
omg i'm not reading all that
Submitted by tatersninja (user info) at 2008-07-11 19:59:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
okie dokes.
Thanks!
Submitted by iambetteratit (user info) at 2008-07-11 19:47:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
too long short is better
Submitted by tatersninja (user info) at 2008-07-11 19:38:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Much to the chagrin of uberers,
I say,
"Anywho" I don't give a shit, I always have and always will.
There's not correct way to fuck up a language.
ANd "tit"...It means a bit, but it's just a tit of difference. Just how I speak, I guess.
But thank you honestly!
Yeah, it's whiny, it's from a 17 year old's perspective of her fucked up luck/life .......
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2008-07-11 17:12:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You had some nice imagery in there, but it was totally swamped in your adolescent whine. And you need to proofread, you said "tit" where you meant "bit", it was a tad tit distracting... see?
Submitted by BobSandwich (user info) at 2008-07-11 16:44:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by tatersninja (user info) at 2008-07-11 16:37:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I LOVE chinchillas. I just don't shouting it off the roof tops cuz it's extremely faggy to like small fluffy things.
The ninja thing is a fucking joke. Why can't anyone take a fucking joke around here??!
Dear lord.
=============================================================================
Do you see anyone else joking around on this site, grow up and be serious.
Submitted by tatersninja (user info) at 2008-07-11 16:43:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm guessing it's like a laundry basket, but made out of many many sacrificial hamsters......
Submitted by BobSandwich (user info) at 2008-07-11 16:43:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
*hamster
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-07-11 16:39:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
WTF is a 'hampster' bob??
Submitted by tatersninja (user info) at 2008-07-11 16:37:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I LOVE chinchillas. I just don't shouting it off the roof tops cuz it's extremely faggy to like small fluffy things.
The ninja thing is a fucking joke. Why can't anyone take a fucking joke around here??!
Dear lord.
Submitted by BobSandwich (user info) at 2008-07-11 16:34:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Posting anything to do with ninjas, hampsters, and pics with kittens saying stupid shit should all be punishable by death.
Submitted by tatersninja (user info) at 2008-07-11 16:32:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I would say something to BobSandwich,
but I love sandwiches.. so I got nothin'
.asshole.
Submitted by tatersninja (user info) at 2008-07-11 16:27:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It honestly wasn't supposed to be like ... writing. It was more from a journal, chopped up and slashed together from younger days. So, if it sounds "young" it's because it was.
Why is everyone so hostile about the ninja thing?????
Submitted by BobSandwich (user info) at 2008-07-11 10:36:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
-2 for having ninja in your name
Submitted by Littlebint (user info) at 2008-07-11 06:43:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm really sorry but I struggled to get past the first two paragraphs. This way of writting obviously doesnt come natural to you because it just sucked. Write in your own voice dont try to be pretentious because you think it makes you sound more intelligent, because judging by this it really isnt working.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-07-11 05:53:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
i was hoping for a list so i could -2 it, but now i am just disappointed.
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2008-07-11 05:51:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I'd always been a little shit in her eyes...
----
she's not the only one.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-07-11 04:44:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Should've made a list
Submitted by tatersninja (user info) at 2008-07-11 02:05:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ok. so I might not be a ninja, or a word ninja. That shouldn't have any weight in what I just wrote...
Asshole.
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2008-07-10 23:07:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I still see the word "ninja" within 500 yards of your name and it sickens me.
Submitted by pandora (user info) at 2008-07-10 21:44:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by bjrog2 (user info) at 2008-07-10 21:14:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
For the pic. Looks like a hamster / bison / pomeranean. Wtf?
------------------------
That's a chinchilla. They make great pets!
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-07-10 21:33:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Try "no posts per day", in your particular case.
Submitted by bjrog2 (user info) at 2008-07-10 21:14:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
For the pic. Looks like a hamster / bison / pomeranean. Wtf?
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-07-10 20:09:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
One per day.
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2008-07-10 19:52:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good read
Submitted by HateMudkips (user info) at 2008-07-10 19:34:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
?