I Hope You Brought Your Dunce Cap 'Cause You Don't Have An Answer For Me (1356 hits)
Category: SportsRating: 1.67 on 55 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (View user info) at 2008-07-10 22:37:25 EDT
I was banned from the YMCA this week. For those of you in other countries the YMCA is the Young Men's Christian Association. No, it's not a cult or anything, just a fitness center. I'm sure Jews and Buddhists or whatever wacky religion you are can go and partake in yoga or waterobics just like the God fearing, Jesus loving nut sacks that usually show up.
Let me get this out of the way first. I have no ill will towards the Y. In fact I believe they do good things in the community, though exactly what escapes me. Probably something along the lines of teaching kids to wear shower shoes so they don't have to scrape out a batch of Irish confetti from between their toes in the locker room. There was a time when I even learned how to swim at the Y but quit because they tried to make me open my eyes under the hydrochloric acid that they dubbed "water." I believe the water that they used was also the stuff they used to clean the bricks of the building that housed the vat of awfulness.
Why, you may be asking yourself, would I have gone back to such a place to begin with? The answer is simple. Competition.
A while ago I did the Less Fat Project and lost some el bees which got me on the road to real exercise again. I started challenging co-workers/acquaintances/strangers to games of one on one basketball. No one would take me up on my challenges because guys around here are a bunch of truck building, NASCAR watching homos who don't want anything to do with a physical activity outside of beating off to the newest Craftsman catalogue.
My last resort was my sixteen year old brother in law. He's taller than me and actually plays some ball but that didn't stop me from smoking him for the past three weeks. Thus started my search for someone to play and not have to shoot left handed to make it close. Besides that, the court that we play on is set up for four baskets but two have been ripped down and only one has a net. If you don't hit it at the right time you have to play on the bent rim with the cut up net that just dangles there.
When I entered the drab complex the all too familiar smell of chlorine stung my nose like someone letting loose a beak curling hot fart. The receptionist stopped me before the door finished closing behind me.
"Sorry, you can't bring your own inside," he said.
My own that he was referring too was my own basketball. Apparently they don't want any chance for someone to walk off with a ball that wasn't theirs.
I dumped my ball back off in my car and went back inside. After a minute of poking around I had found the courts and almost had a seizure after glancing at all the lines of the floor. There were boundaries for basketball/floor hockey/volleyball and whatever else goes on there that isn't remotely fun to play. There was a rack of basketballs in the corner that looked like they were bought off of bums that used them for pillows. Just about every ball was flat of egg shaped and I quickly realized that the only good ones were already in use.
A cursory glance around the court revealed an even more depressing adventure. Everyone shooting around was in their late forties and older. It occurred to me that I must live in some sort of bubble in the States where the athleticism from one generation to the next actually stopped dead in its tracks. Eventually I worked my way into an easy warm up of layups and outside shots until I sorted out who would actually give me a workout.
I picked a guy a little taller than me with a shaved head. He looked like he meant business.
Me: Hey, are you down for a game of one on one?
Over sensitive douchebag: Sure, just don't cry when I skunk you.
The first stone had been hurled from the limp wristed queer who probably has a plethora of kiddie porn on his work computer.
Balding So I Shaved It Douche: I'm always skins.
Me: Uhh, its one on one. What the hell do you mean "skins." There are no little boys here to pick up.
Douche Deluxe: I'm ALWAYS skins.
Me: So was Tommy Morrison, and look where that got him.
Our game started out civilly enough. Since he was old I gave him ball first which he promptly jacked up a two from behind the arc. I'll tell you folks this, only douchebags and Asians drop twos on their first shot without even moving.
Douchebag: All day, baby. All day. Winners.
Me: Alright, Grandpa. You better hope you make the rest of your shots because you aren't getting the ball back.
Douchie McGee then proceeded to dribble the ball off of his foot out of bounds. Here is a good time give a little advice to would be trash talkers. How about you either talk shit proportionate to your game or just shut the fuck up so you don't sound like Corky on his inspirational CD's?
On my first possession I took it easy on him and hit a turnaround jumper then took the ball back without saying a word.
Mayor Douchington of Doucheberg: That is the last point you get, junior.
At which point I blew past him for reverse layup.
Me: Do you need a podiatrist?
Winded Douche: What for?
Me: For your broken ankles.
After a while of me just trying to be fancy the score is 8-3 me. For those of you who don't know or haven't watched Jesus Shuttlesworth, one on one games go to eleven, much like Spinal Tap. At that point we had a small crowd watching. I hit a lazy two over him and took the ball out for the game.
Beaten Down But Still Mouthy Douche: Get ready for the biggest comeback ever.
Me: I hope you brought your Dunce cap.
Retarded Douche: Why?
Me: Because you don't have an answer for me.
Layup.
Game.
After his public humiliation, Douche Nozzle decided a smack to the back of my head was adequate congratulations. If it was a light hearted tap it would have been one thing but this was a semi malicious thump to my noggin when I wasn't looking.
Me: Don't ever touch me.
Matthew MconnaDouche: What are you going to do about it?
Moment of reflection; was this guy starting shit in the Y? I'm pretty sure this was against everything that it stood for.
Me: Like Jeff Gillooly, I'll put you to the ground, faggot.
Apparently "faggot" is not accepted language at the YMCA as a worker separated us and told me in so many words that I was no longer welcome to play there after that little outburst.
Now I'm back to playing on busted up rims like I'm black and calling my brother in law every horrible combination of words you could think of. Fuck the YMCA.
Who wants next game?
User Reviews
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2008-07-15 18:18:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love how you're always beating cripples and old people in basketball. I'm pretty sure I would own you. You're like 5' 5"
PR
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2008-07-14 14:01:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
All of my life, all people have asked me is "Do you play basketball?", since I'm so tall.
I played basketball once. I broke some jackass's ankle, and got kicked off the team for it.
Submitted by zoobie2000 (user info) at 2008-07-14 06:50:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fag
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2008-07-13 18:14:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
FYI: The YMCA is for poofs.
Just check out the lyrics.
Submitted by loveinbrevity (user info) at 2008-07-12 22:28:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2008-07-12 16:44:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha
I've yet to be banned from an establishment. I'm starting to wonder if I'm missing my opportunities while I'm young.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-07-12 06:29:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h02jCrcPFJg
Hurty made it on to British TV!
(Wanna fuck??)
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-07-12 00:21:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Crack.
Crack will make you lose the weight.
I got a guy.
He'll hook you up.
Real cheap too.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-07-12 00:14:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-07-11 15:31:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
------------------------------
This is why I didn't ask you. Donkey is a fellow fatass, so he understands. You fit people always recommend something with "intense" and "long" and "tough" in it that's always beyond me.
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you are such a retard.
you might as well just pray that god strikes you with lightning and cooks the fat off your ass because the only way to lose weight while still eating your shitass food is with some combination of the words intense and tough. if you want to lose weight it isn't a goddamn mystery, but if you want to remain a fat ass just keep doing what youre doing.
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2008-07-11 20:04:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-07-11 18:27:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's nice to see one Uber fatass helping out a fellow Uber lardass.
THAT'S WHAT MAKES UBER SO SPECIAL.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2008-07-11 17:33:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-07-11 09:03:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
DonkeyOnTheEdge, I have a challenge for you. Since you seem to be fitness-oriented now, you're the only Uberer except perhaps Oathy who'd be willing to accept.
I am 180 lbs, most of that fat. Using a calculator with measurements of stuff like distance around my waist, I found that I've got about a 26% bodyfat percentage, which makes me officially obese.
I'd like to lose weight. I will NOT diet under any circumstances, nor will I cut out my more or less daily beer and chips. I can't afford to go to a gym, and I don't have the time or the heart (literally) for even short-distance jogging. This means exercises, but they can't be too strenuous, as I have already tried a push-up and failed.
If you can solve this conundrum, you are a genius.
___________________________________________________________________________-
Have you tried an exercise bike? http://www.amazon.com/Stamina-15-0200-InTone-Folding-Recumbent
/dp/B000UZFSSO/ref=pd_bbs_sr_6?ie=UTF8&s=sporting-goods&qid=1215811378&sr=8-6
(I had to put a space there because Uber is being a bitch.)
Something like this would probably be ideal if you set it up and pedal away while watching TV or playing video games. You don't have to jog, you can do it at night and its low impact so your weight won't destroy your knees.
You don't have to diet. You can eat what ever you want but try and keep it under 65g a day, so switch to Michelobe Ultra if you want that extra cupcake. The exercise ball may be fruity but it works. Fuck what other people think. If it works for you, good on you.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-07-11 17:26:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Finally"???
I could have sworn that we both agreed that you're a friendless loser, doomed to a life of celibacy and half-hearted attempts at masturbation while you toil away until you're around 65 years old, working at your hourly wage job, all the while "begging and pleading" for "friends" via the internet.
Submitted by GangsterSquid (user info) at 2008-07-11 16:18:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-07-11 15:58:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oops. I should learn to read, too.
__________________
FINALLY something Shlongy and I agree on.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-07-11 15:58:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oops. I should learn to read, too.
Every time I see that fucking asshole's name, I see red, blurring the words on the screen.
Carry on with your "argument".
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-07-11 15:57:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Not you, dumbass.
The OTHER stupid fucker that you're arguing with.
Good grief, learn to read.
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-07-11 15:48:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by GangsterSquid (user info) at 2008-07-11 15:34:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Doomed to be eternally obese, pasty and grossly unattractive, below.
----------------------
Nope. I finally managed that push-up.
:D
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-07-11 15:44:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Doomed to a life of loneliness, celibacy, and Swanson Dinners-For-One, below.
Submitted by GangsterSquid (user info) at 2008-07-11 15:34:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Doomed to be eternally obese, pasty and grossly unattractive, below.
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-07-11 15:31:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by GangsterSquid (user info) at 2008-07-11 12:32:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-07-11 09:03:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'd like to lose weight. I will NOT diet under any circumstances, nor will I cut out my more or less daily beer and chips.
_______________________
Then you had better adopt a regimen of intense cardio.
And of course by 'intense' I mean at least 2 hours a day at 135+ BPM heart rate.
Stuffing your face with carbs and fat is fine if you plan to burn it. If you don't have the will or the tolerance to put up with severe physical exertion, don't bitch about being a pasty fatass when you're overloading your body with energy it'll only end up storing and not using.
Just sayin'.
------------------------------
This is why I didn't ask you. Donkey is a fellow fatass, so he understands. You fit people always recommend something with "intense" and "long" and "tough" in it that's always beyond me.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2008-07-11 14:44:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-07-11 14:36:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If you question him NOW, just wait until you see that dorks camwhore, if you haven't already.
It's funny. Just not "ha ha" funny. Like this post.
--------------
I've definitely seen it. And it's pretty silly, if you catch my drift.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-07-11 14:36:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If you question him NOW, just wait until you see that dorks camwhore, if you haven't already.
It's funny. Just not "ha ha" funny. Like this post.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2008-07-11 14:04:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-07-11 13:14:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-07-11 06:04:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I prefer to play the role of the silent assassin - all handshakes and smiles to the outsider, who does not see the nips to the thighs, the digits up the rectum, or smell the foul flatulence I impose upon my opponent.
Actually, the role that you REALLY prefer to play is the "bottom", you fucking poofter.
---------------
Really, I question any guy who calls a dress a frock.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-07-11 13:14:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-07-11 06:04:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I prefer to play the role of the silent assassin - all handshakes and smiles to the outsider, who does not see the nips to the thighs, the digits up the rectum, or smell the foul flatulence I impose upon my opponent.
Actually, the role that you REALLY prefer to play is the "bottom", you fucking poofter.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-07-11 13:13:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome post...I hope at least SOME of it was true.
Submitted by GangsterSquid (user info) at 2008-07-11 12:32:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-07-11 09:03:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'd like to lose weight. I will NOT diet under any circumstances, nor will I cut out my more or less daily beer and chips.
_______________________
Then you had better adopt a regimen of intense cardio.
And of course by 'intense' I mean at least 2 hours a day at 135+ BPM heart rate.
Stuffing your face with carbs and fat is fine if you plan to burn it. If you don't have the will or the tolerance to put up with severe physical exertion, don't bitch about being a pasty fatass when you're overloading your body with energy it'll only end up storing and not using.
Just sayin'.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-07-11 12:29:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Whatever. If you are tall, lets fuck.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-07-11 12:23:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-07-11 09:08:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-07-11 09:03:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
----------------------------------------------------------
Get an exercise ball, one of those kinds you lay on. It won't pop, I swear, but if it does, please take pictures so we can all laugh at you.
hahahaha
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-07-11 10:54:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Donkey likes to play at the
WHY-EM-SEE-AY
He likes to play at the
WHY-EM-SEE-AY
They have everything that you need to enjoy
Donkey hangs out with all the BOIZE.
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2008-07-11 10:35:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Donkey's the worst trash-talker ever. And the Celtics could've used some Shuttlesworth love in their first twenty or so playoff games this year.
I'm just bitter because this basketball post got better reviews than mine~
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-07-11 09:08:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-07-11 09:03:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
----------------------------------------------------------
Get an exercise ball, one of those kinds you lay on. It won't pop, I swear, but if it does, please take pictures so we can all laugh at you.
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-07-11 09:03:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
DonkeyOnTheEdge, I have a challenge for you. Since you seem to be fitness-oriented now, you're the only Uberer except perhaps Oathy who'd be willing to accept.
I am 180 lbs, most of that fat. Using a calculator with measurements of stuff like distance around my waist, I found that I've got about a 26% bodyfat percentage, which makes me officially obese.
I'd like to lose weight. I will NOT diet under any circumstances, nor will I cut out my more or less daily beer and chips. I can't afford to go to a gym, and I don't have the time or the heart (literally) for even short-distance jogging. This means exercises, but they can't be too strenuous, as I have already tried a push-up and failed.
If you can solve this conundrum, you are a genius.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-07-11 08:38:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Next time be sure to use the word "homosexual gentleman", they'll probably take that much better. You can't really expect to call a faggot a faggot inside a gay facility now can you?
It's the equivalent of a faggot approaching YOU inside a strip club and start calling you "breeder" except that we heteros don't take such things quite so seriously, and strip clubs have nothing to offer him, so why would he even be there in the first place?
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-07-11 08:24:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So what you're saying here is, the guy was a douche?
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2008-07-11 07:49:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
so-so
Submitted by whiskey_jack (user info) at 2008-07-11 06:51:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah well the Y takeson a lot of fuckwits so they're understandly paranoid to any trashtalk. If you want nice courts with decent and friendly players look to the nearist University. They always have big gyms for their students and the cost is low for a large facility thanks to students.
Oh and btw basketball is for homos. And I mean guys who get fucked by guys, not the butch dudes who fuck but the pansies who take is cause they're so weak it's they're only choice...gay
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-07-11 06:12:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
We are all familiar with the YMCA as we have all heard their theme song.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-07-11 06:04:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I prefer to play the role of the silent assassin - all handshakes and smiles to the outsider, who does not see the nips to the thighs, the digits up the rectum, or smell the foul flatulence I impose upon my opponent.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2008-07-11 06:01:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-07-11 05:15:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The YMCA is a gay haven isn't it?
Also, the banter in this was cringe-worthy.
________________________________________________________________
This is what comes out of the mouth when two males are vying for dominance over the other. Its called sportsmanship. I learned my sportsmanship from Zidane.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-07-11 05:52:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-07-11 03:29:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
AssH0ly,Why dont you work there anymore?
heh
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
THEY FIRED ME OMG
i quit actually. i moved up in the world and became a lifeguard. but i quit because they were going to fire me.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-07-11 05:15:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The YMCA is a gay haven isn't it?
Also, the banter in this was cringe-worthy.
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2008-07-11 03:52:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
the Y here is $75 a month, after the initial $150 registration fee. those bible thumping commies are out of their fucking minds.
Submitted by Littlebint (user info) at 2008-07-11 03:52:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow a lot of the YMCA's in the UK are used to as half way houses for people who come out of prison. Curfews and the like. Aparently young men can get some great action at shower time.
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2008-07-11 03:34:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
umm,
i.....kinda......build...trucks
who am i to shit on your post?
so for the record;
basketball isn't gay, like baseball,
that's monumentally gay and boring,
but still not my thing
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-07-11 03:29:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
AssH0ly,Why dont you work there anymore?
heh
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-07-11 03:18:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
it's not just the Y. I used to work at the community fitness center in my town and the old people there are the same sort of mouthy faggots as in your story. i, while wearing my work uniform, have gotten in fights there. you might ask why i dont work there anymore.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-07-11 03:12:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I wil give this a two but I dont necessarily think it's great, but a nice thing to read in the morning when im all sleepy.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2008-07-11 00:09:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2008-07-10 23:52:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
jumpshots make it rain on a bitch
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-07-10 23:45:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i have nothing witty to say
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-07-10 23:07:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-07-10 23:06:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
When I was courting the old lady, or she was courting me, anytime I said, "I'm hungry," in a split second she would quip, "How about a box lunch at the Y?"
You might have to think about that one a bit.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-07-10 22:49:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I will read this later tonight, right now I require beer and chicken wings. The fitness program is going well, thanks for asking.
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2008-07-10 22:43:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2008-07-10 22:42:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I clicked my fingers, moved my head from side to side and said "Oh nuh uh, no he di-unt" throughout this entire post.