If I did it (1300 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.26 on 43 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by iambetteratit (View user info) at 2008-07-12 21:20:05 EDT
OJ Simpson wrote a book detailing how he would have murdered his wife... IF, he did it..
I will do the same except this is about what I would do IF I killed doodles.
I would watch him for a week or so, and record his movements. I would learn the route he takes to work, what time he leaves his house, what time he gets back.
Next, I would recon the routes he takes most often. I would be looking for a quiet, secluded spot along the route, preferably with a stop sign or a stop signal.
After that I would look for a place to dispose of the evidence. A large, deep body of water would be best here. It would also need to be far enough from people so that I could start a small, controlled fire without arousing suspicion.
I would then collect the materials I would need for the mission. I would purchase a pair of gloves, a gallon of lighter fluid, one of those long grill starter type lighters, a small, light row boat, a black tarp, a hammer, a pair of pliers, a change of clothes, the various parts and pieces needed to construct a home made silencer, and finally a .22 handgun
The night I decided to do it, I would follow doodles along the route I had picked. At the stop sign, when he stopped I would gently bump into the back of his car. Doodles would get out of the car to exchange insurance information with me, at which point I would use my silenced .22 to put several rounds into his head at close range.
At this point I would wrap his ruined body into my black tarp, then put him into the trunk of my car, pick up my spent shell casings, and drive to the body of water where my boat, and fire pit were waiting.
I would bring the tarp to the spot, and get my hammer. I would then hit doodles' body in the mouth with the hammer until his teeth came out. I would smash his teeth into dust so that they could not be used to identify his remains. I would then place his remains into my fire pit and spray the lighter fluid on him. With my lighter I would start my fire, and let it burn for a few minutes so that all of his hair was burnt off, and his skin was charred, and unrecognizable.
Using water from the river I would put the fire out, and place doodles remains into my boat. I would then paddle out to the deepest part of the river, where the current is strongest, and dump his charred flesh, and several large rocks, along with the weapon into the river wrapped in the tarp.
I would row the boat back to shore at my secluded spot, break a hole in the bottom with my hammer, and leave it there. I would change my clothes. I would drive the car to a bad part of the neighborhood and leave it there with the door open, and the keys in the ignition, along with all of my tools except the clothes and gloves, which I would throw into a trash car several blocks away and light on fire.
I would then catch a cab to somewhere else and return home from there.
LEGAL DISCLAIMER: I do not condone violence or murder; this is purely a piece of hypothetical fiction, and should not be taken seriously by anybody.
User Reviews
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-11-23 18:27:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love this post.
You really should do it.
In all seriousness.
Submitted by iambetteratit (user info) at 2008-09-14 23:38:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
yeah I could be more creative but the idea here was to get away with it
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2008-09-11 06:03:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Surely you could think of a more intventive way to kill him than the .22?
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-09-11 00:34:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The fuck?
Submitted by NewGuy08 (user info) at 2008-07-29 16:30:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by iambetteratit (user info) at 2008-07-15 13:50:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
finding me, and making the case stick are two different things here in the good ole US of A. Our legal syestem has more holes than a cheese grater.
Submitted by bigbabylons (user info) at 2008-07-15 09:47:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
They will find you, have you never seen C.S.I.
Submitted by billrhine (user info) at 2008-07-14 20:11:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
shit
Submitted by iambetteratit (user info) at 2008-07-14 17:58:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
My DNA wont be anywhere to be found. His will be hard to find because like somone below said, Carbon dosn't contain DNA. By te time his body washes up on a shore it will be a rotten, crab eaten charred husk... They might be able to get some DNA, but by that time all other evidence would be gone.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2008-07-14 17:52:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Couldn't they still do an ID based on DNA?
Submitted by NewGuy08 (user info) at 2008-07-14 16:00:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Awesome post!
Submitted by iambetteratit (user info) at 2008-07-14 15:35:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Idealy this plan would work better with an accomplice, that way Someone would be able to drive each of the cars away. As for the gun, I dont care if its found, I wouldn't touch any of my tools with my hands the entire time. That is what the gloves are for. I wouldn't have purchased the gun through legal channels either, so no way to trace it back to me. Plus dead bodies eventually float. It would work its way out of the tarp. That means his corpse would float down stream while the weapon stayed at the bottom.
I mean, If I wanted to go the easy route I could just hang out at the sporting goods store untill someone bought rounds for a high power hunting rifle, then follow them home. The next time they leave the house, break in and steal the weapon (once again without touching it with my skin.)Hang out in a peice of cover within 500 yards or so of doodles house depending on my weapon, then shoot him and leave the whole thing there.
Submitted by GangsterSquid (user info) at 2008-07-14 11:33:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.geogreeting.com/view.html?yCmyEBqoUsCUpkDa
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2008-07-14 11:19:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I suggest watching "Dexter" for more helpful hints
Submitted by BobSandwich (user info) at 2008-07-14 10:46:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Was the whole teeth smashing in OJ's book? That is exactly how I have always planned a murder, except that I would full the teeth out with pliars to avoid the chance that one would slide down the throat when breaking them out. And forget the water burial, get a few gallons of diesel and head to the desert of west Texas and turn that body into ashes, no dna in carbon. Still smash the teeth to dust, then burn them and let that west Texas wind spread the remains.
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-07-14 10:07:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Been there. Done that.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-07-14 10:02:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
so along with the mention of someone potentially witnessing the shooting there's this problem that ultimately = failure for you
"Using water from the river I would put the fire out, and place doodles remains into my boat. I would then paddle out to the deepest part of the river, where the current is strongest, and dump his charred flesh, and several large rocks, along with the weapon into the river wrapped in the tarp."
why would you send the weapon with the remains? I agree you would need dispose of it but sending the weapon with the remains is stoopid if they ever find the remains they find the weapon that caused them. bad.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-07-14 09:45:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You made it, feel proud. http://www.ubersite.com/u/Doodles/l/tribute
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-07-14 09:41:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2008-07-14 07:02:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I find this comment sad and demeaning. But completely appropriate for this site. But still also sad and demeaning nonetheless.
:(
Carry on Doodles, Carry on.
---
I record it when I have sex every time, I could e-mail you a copy to help jog your memory.
I haven't seen a picture of you, so I really, REALLY hope oyu aren't ugly.
Or fat.
Or a man.
Cos that would suck.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2008-07-14 07:02:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-07-13 22:55:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Toe doesn't remember her own baby-daddy.
It msut have been the roofies
----
I find this comment sad and demeaning. But completely appropriate for this site. But still also sad and demeaning nonetheless.
:(
Carry on Doodles, Carry on.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-07-14 06:42:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by woolfe (user info) at 2008-07-14 09:28:02 BST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by tloshjohnson (user info) at 2008-07-13 05:35:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
didn't read it.
You are such an idiot I minus two you on-sight.
Submitted by zoobie2000 (user info) at 2008-07-14 06:38:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good except you need to have a better idea than a minor traffic accident. doodles' car would be left there, also someone might see you shooting him. try learn his habits, there must be a time when he is alone in a secluded spot. if not, choose another victim who is.
Submitted by woolfe (user info) at 2008-07-14 04:28:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by tloshjohnson (user info) at 2008-07-13 05:35:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
didn't read it.
You are such an idiot I minus two you on-sight.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-07-13 22:55:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This really was a work of art.
It needs more reviews.
Toe doesn't remember her own baby-daddy.
It msut have been the roofies.
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2008-07-13 20:42:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
He used a ghostrider and it's not being published....so....do some research
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2008-07-13 18:07:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't know who the hell this doodles is. But I like how you think.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-07-13 15:18:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Alter below.
Submitted by NewGuy08 (user info) at 2008-07-13 15:00:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
idiot
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-07-13 12:48:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-07-13 00:04:32 CDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Apollo, if you are as big an asshole in real life as you are here, just shoot yourself in the face. You play to the crowd at the expense of others just to get a laugh. They are laughing at you.
most ironic review ever.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-07-13 12:19:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Note that writing posts about me will get you positive ratings, you should continue.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-07-13 12:16:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by pandora (user info) at 2008-07-12 23:56:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Dammit, you forgot to smash his fingers so he couldn't post anymore. Now what are we going to do when he comes back as a zombie?
---
My posts are so high on the awesome scale you can't comprehend them.
It's understandable really.
P.S.
Expermia is right, I don't ever leave my house. In fact I don't ever leave the computer. Or Ubersite.
Ever.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-07-13 12:13:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great, I love you too.
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-07-13 09:08:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
It was mildly amusing, but why did you have to fag up the end?
"LEGAL DISCLAIMER: I do not condone violence or murder; this is purely a piece of hypothetical fiction, and should not be taken seriously by anybody."
... Seriously. STFU
Submitted by tloshjohnson (user info) at 2008-07-13 05:35:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
didn't read it.
You are such an idiot I minus two you on-sight.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-07-13 02:05:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
doodles leaves his house?
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-07-13 01:04:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Apollo, if you are as big an asshole in real life as you are here, just shoot yourself in the face. You play to the crowd at the expense of others just to get a laugh. They are laughing at you.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-07-13 00:35:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
my god you're pathetic
below
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-07-13 00:31:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by pandora (user info) at 2008-07-12 23:56:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Dammit, you forgot to smash his fingers so he couldn't post anymore. Now what are we going to do when he comes back as a zombie?
=============
A zombie Doodles would be an improvement. Anything would be!
Whassup, Yankee Doodles Dandy? :)
Submitted by pandora (user info) at 2008-07-12 23:56:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Dammit, you forgot to smash his fingers so he couldn't post anymore. Now what are we going to do when he comes back as a zombie?
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2008-07-12 23:26:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
meh, I've heard better.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-07-12 22:26:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this is a lucid, intelligent, and well-thought-out hypothetical murder. i congratulate you.
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2008-07-12 21:41:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Doodles only has one arm, he lost it fighting gangsters in knoxville... or maybe that was maltese
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-07-12 21:33:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A waste of effort. Doodles isn't worth the trouble.