The Canteen Wars (674 hits)
Category: Business & FinancialLabels: officestuff
Rating: 1.41 on 22 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Flash Harry (View user info) at 2008-07-14 10:13:00 EDT
"This is ridiculous. Completely ridiculous!" Burt thrusts his sandwich towards me, his face screwed up in a mask of anger and freckles. "Feel how light this is. Just feel the weight!"
I take his sandwich carefully in one hand, and lift it up and down a few times, as though I were giving its weight due consideration. It is certainly not the heaviest sandwich I've ever encountered, and I hand it back with a shake of my head and a rueful tut.
"Shocking," I remark. "What's on it?"
"Tuna mayonnaise," says Burt, holding a single, trembling finger out in front of me. "One spoonful. One measly, pitiful spoonful of tuna mayonnaise."
I shoot him a pained look and suck air in through my teeth to show my support, before returning to my desk. Poor Burt. But the sad fact of the matter is that such concerns are becoming all too common in my office.
A few weeks ago we were suffering from a staple drought (http://www.ubersite.com/m/117337). This turned out to be no more than a bottle-neck issue in the end, and we are now literally ankle-deep in supplies following the inevitable panic-buying that ensued. Another problem, however, one far more sinister and spirit-sapping, has since reared its unsightly head.
A few months ago, the decision was made by Somebody in Head Office to outsource the canteen staff to a recruitment agency, and re-distribute those that already worked behind the counter to other areas of the 'facilities' department. These pour souls have been serving food for most of their working lives, yet now they find themselves blinking in the darkness of the mailroom, or stuttering 'good-afternoons' down the phone at reception. They are out of their depth. They were happy in the canteen, surrounded by their stainless steel, their ladles and their beans. Service was always accompanied with a smile and a good-natured 'howyoudoing?' when they were there. There was a sense of comraderie, perhaps even of parenthood; we were the youngsters working on the coal-face of the office, and they were the friendly simpletons who kept us in sausages and cereal. They scowled if we turned down their offers of extra chips, giving us the quizzical glance of a grandmother who wonders if her boy is eating well enough.
The canteen has always had its problems though. Money is not an acceptable medium in this place. Instead of the traditional queue-choose-pay dynamic, we have to go to little machines in the hallway to top up our card. It is like an ATM in reverse. We slide our card in, insert money (pound coins and fifty pence pieces only, please) and then go to choose our lunch. The obvious flaw in the system is, of course, that is does not cater for the fussy, the indecisive or the hesitant. On too many occasions I have topped up my card, entered the food hall and discovered nothing on the day's menu that is to my taste. Or realised I haven't put enough in my account. It can be frustrating.
A generic sandwich bar, two 'main meals' and a Soup of the Day manage to cover most of my desires, however. The sandwiches are freshly made to order, the main meals can range from cheeseburgers to chicken korma, and the soup is nearly always 'cream of tin.'
Since the changeover in staff, the quality of the food has not changed. It is still reasonably tasty and wickedly cheap, since the multinational corporation that I work for subsidises the prices. But the portions have changed. And it is beginning to piss people off.
The girl who sits next to me, the wet-jawed, perma-tanned, loud-mouthed Big Brother-addict appears with a polystyrene tub and slams it onto her desk. It is a Monday, and on Mondays she usually gets a baked potato with chilli and cheese. It is her favourite, but today she is unimpressed.
"One bloody scoop!" she seethes, in a remarkably similar outburst to Burt's. "And hardly any cheese."
I peer over to see what all the fuss is about, and true enough her potato looks sparsely filled. The chilli nestles in a snug ball in the middle of the split potato, with a sprinkling of cheddar atop. In fact, it is probably filled quite adequately, but the canteen's portions used to be so generous that potatoes were drowned, sandwiches could barely be closed and office hunger was more than sated.
They used to do these lamb-burgers that I could hardly fit my mouth around, but the last time 'Burger Bar' was on the chalkboard the patties were remarkably smaller. Not small, perhaps, but certainly smaller. And this is where the problem is. The prices have not reduced, but the size of our meals have. Although having said that, when I asked for a cheeseburger I was informed that my slice of cheese would cost an extra 26 pence.
"26 pee for a slice of cheese?" I asked, somewhat surprised.
The Nigerian fellow nodded solemnly.
"Alright then," I resigned with a sigh. When I got to the till and slipped my card into the reader, I told the Romanian cashier that I had a hamburger, no cheese, and got away with it anyway.
Things are getting worrying. The staff in the canteen change every other week, meaning that no rapport can be built up with us, the customers. For that is what we are, essentially. In a restaurant or a café, customer service would be as important as the food I am served; but in this canteen customers rights seem to be forfeited, as though the enjoyment of lunch does not in fact matter.
Everybody gets really excited when macaroni is on the menu. It is the ideal comfort snack - cheesy, stodgy, warm. Perfect for a rainy day with a cold drink. The best bit about the macaroni is, of course, the chewy, crispy skin on the top. The rest, the actual pasta beneath, is merely filler.
The last time I went for macaroni, I was served by a short Indian fellow with a wispy moustache. I asked for macaroni to take out, with no chips, in a happy and proud voice, then proceeded to watch as the little fucker slid the spoon beneath that golden, cheesy crust, and filled the container up with the guts of the dish. Not a single piece of the delicious top layer did he give me.
As he tried to hand it over, I stopped him. "Sorry, but can I get some of the crunchy bit, too, from on top?"
He muttered something about portion sizes, but I knew his heart wasn't in it. After a moment's uncomfortable silence he ladled up like a good 'un and gave me a more satisfactory slice. I mean, I'd had better, but this was okay.
I don't know how this unrest will end. Possibly with a boycott of the canteen, until the stinginess is eradicated from the staff. Perhaps a mutiny will occur, wherein we all leap over the counter, capture the kitchen and help ourselves like greedy, drunken pigs. For now though, the dissatisfaction and frustration is likely to increase, as our portions get smaller and smaller.
User Reviews
Submitted by loveinbrevity (user info) at 2008-07-21 11:31:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Replen (user info) at 2008-07-18 04:54:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I too have found that outsourcing ruins the canteen. Ours resulted in the same shit food for double the cash which just isn't acceptable in my book, so I rip them off every chance I get. I hide two hash browns under a fried egg every time I go for breakfast. Although I'm an amateur compared to some I've seen; people placing two fried eggs perfectly on top of each other so it looks like one, hiding three rashers of bacon under the baked beans. I've actually saw someone put a sausage in their pocket once.
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-07-15 11:27:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ubershadow.at.hotmail.com
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-07-15 10:41:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Well, my back support HAS been playing up recently...
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-07-15 10:36:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh dear god, this has a lable 'pffice stuff'.
You don't intend to do more, do you?
What is next? The broken lever on your swivel chair??
Submitted by billrhine (user info) at 2008-07-14 20:08:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-07-14 17:12:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2008-07-14 15:51:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You're coherent and eloquent. Well done.
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2008-07-14 15:00:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I actually read it, and I feel your pain.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-07-14 13:50:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
are you a member of the PLF?
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-07-14 13:29:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh true story hummph well there ya go
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-07-14 11:59:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Just got back from a trip to Indianapolis during which I stopped at the Loon Lake Lodge (you know, the woodsy looking building at I-69 and I-465 just off 82nd, with the pontoon plane on the roof and the animatronic bears all over inside... that place) and had a breaded pork tenderloin sandwich that was more than twice the size of the onion bun it sat on. Cheese, red onion slices, tomato, and lettuce on there, mayo on the side. Fresh cole slaw and a few potato chips, and a Bell's Amber to wash it down. LAst time I had a similar sandwich, which was about a year ago, it was almost three times the size of the bun so you know I feel your pain.
http://www.loonlakelodge.com
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-07-14 11:45:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-07-14 06:42:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by woolfe (user info) at 2008-07-14 09:28:02 BST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by tloshjohnson (user info) at 2008-07-13 05:35:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
didn't read it.
You are such an idiot I minus two you on-sight.
---
You should have read his post.
It's about me and stuff.
Submitted by GangsterSquid (user info) at 2008-07-14 11:33:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.geogreeting.com/view.html?yCmyEBqoUsCUpkDa
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-07-14 11:30:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Time for school! Put on the uni!
Submitted by BobSandwich (user info) at 2008-07-14 11:15:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I was working at a Walmart Distribution Center for a short while and a similar situation happend there, food got real shitty and the prices stayed the same. There just isn't much you can do about it except bring your own, but I say fuck that I'm not going to make my own lunch.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-07-14 11:05:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It's not a story. It's real. This is actually happening, today, and this is my record of it.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-07-14 11:04:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good story.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-07-14 10:42:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I imagine you to be a middle class racist.
No Offence.
Submitted by BobSandwich (user info) at 2008-07-14 10:18:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Call in a bomb threat and demand better food.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-07-14 10:13:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"Uber has saved this message as a draft" after I click preview - WTF?
Submitted by GangsterSquid (user info) at 2008-07-14 10:13:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
didn't read it.
(but I will, later)