Straight-legging it? oh hell no! (467 hits)
Category: NoneRating: -0.4 on 18 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by BarnAcleBill (View user info) at 2008-07-15 17:01:29 EDT
This is a story of the most heinous variety - of betrayal, deception, and general blatant faggotry. If any of you have small children present, be forewarned - this could happen... to you!
The weather was warm for early May, and it seemed as if the backyard barbecue celebration of my daughter's 1st birthday was going to be enjoyable. The tables and chairs were all set up, balloons and streamers were tied up, and I was manning my pride and joy - the gigantic combo charcoal bbq/smoker. As the afternoon wore on, guests arrived, much dead animal flesh was half charred and then consumed, and great portions of adult beverages were downed.
Late in the afternoon, my sister in law's crazy sister showed up with her "husky" 7 year old son. I say "husky" but let's be honest - the kid could wear Charles Barkley's pants if you rolled up the cuffs. Which upon closer inspection, looked to be the case, as the cuffs on his khaki pants were folded up nearly to his knees.
Anyway, I digress. After shutting down the grill, a bunch of the kids that had come to the party, wanted to hike into the woods behind our house and play around on the trail. After securing a few brews, my brother in law and I followed the kids to keep an eye on them. I remember "lil Barkley's" mom asking him repeatedly if he had to go to the bathroom before we trudged into the woods, but not thinking much of it until I saw the kid freeze while everyone else was running and climbing. His eyes were like dinnerplates and he was visibly shaking. It looked like he was trying to straight leg a turd down his pants leg, and then, like a bullet he flew past me back towards the house. I guess the straightleg plan did not go according to schedule, and holding it in was NOT an option.
Shortly after returning with the rest of the kids, my wife mentioned that Barkley's mom had asked for a trash bag, a safety pin and a pair of socks, after she accompanied the kid into the downstairs bathroom, in the hall off the laundry room. No long after, I saw the kid back outside again, running around with the kids. Somewhere deep in my brain, a warning light went off, but not thinking much of it (or maybe it was the warm gentle pickling of my grey matter in alchol) I dismissed the whole strange affair. Guests were trickling out, and I spent the rest of the evening cleaning up the devastation.
The next morning, i went downstairs as i got ready for work. I pulled an ironed shirt off it's hangar, buttoned up and put on my tie. Then, i turned around to the drying rack for my khaki pants. I found my grey slacks, both pair of black, and my olive green pants, but no khaki. So i went back upstairs... tore apart my closet, my dresser drawers, and even ransacked the wife's pants hangars, wildly thinking that she could have folded my pants up with hers, and then put them away. Alas, no dice!
And then it hit me. Lil Barkley's mom asked for a safety pin. And some socks. I clearly saw the kid either shitting or pissing himself in the woods. She took him into the downstairs bathroom which was located right..next..to..the..laundry..room.
Fuckers! A wild new theory had taken seed as I rushed back downstairs to the bathroom where, lo and behold, the expensive embroidered hand towel was missing. The puzzle pieces were falling into place quickly now. You didn't need David Caruso and the CSI Miami squad to figure this one out. The kid shit/pissed himself. His mommy took him into our bathroom, and used our expensive and impossible to replace hand embroidered towel to clean the fecal matter or urine off him. She then asked for the trash bag (for his shitted and pissed up pants and socks, and our now defiled towel) fresh socks, and a safety pin.
But what, you may ask, was the safety pin for? My fuckin khakis that she stole out of the laundry room, and had so safety pin so they'd fit on her fat fuckin kid. I got fuckin pants-napped. You know, if she'd have just asked to borrow pants i'd have said yes. I'd also have given her a roll of paper towels so she wouldn't have had to fuck up my nice towel.
So tell me uber... shall I let this insult pass in the name of quasi familial harmony? Do I swallow my pride, tuck my tail between my legs, and turn in my nutsack to the nearest lost and found? Should I try to be gentlemanly about it and place a phonecall to the child's mother inquiring about my missing pants and towel?
Fuck no! I'll tell you what i'm going to do - I'm going to buy some cheap khakis at Walmart, spray them with chocolate sauce, and then nail them to the trunk of the big ass tree in their front yard. It'll be kind of like that movie "I Know What You Did Last Summer" - a shitty reminder of their past misdeeds. Uber, there will be VENGEANCE!
User Reviews
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2008-07-17 08:26:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I laughed.
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2008-07-17 06:38:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No one cares about your pants, or your towel, or your pride.
off you fuck...
Submitted by Littlebint (user info) at 2008-07-16 05:18:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-07-16 05:04:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"Late in the afternoon, my sister in law's crazy sister..."
Wouldn't that be...your wife??
xx
Not necessarily. She could have two sisters? One being a half sister or something. Adopted?
Caffeine really isnt working today.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-07-16 05:04:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"Late in the afternoon, my sister in law's crazy sister..."
Wouldn't that be...your wife??
Submitted by pandora (user info) at 2008-07-15 22:01:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2008-07-15 19:12:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I hate when people moan about stupid stuff.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-07-15 18:06:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Go ahead and remember the fourth thing, too.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-07-15 18:06:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
If you have children, remember these three things: 1)If your audience for stories of your children have children of their own, to them your kids will not be nearly as entertaining as their kids. 2) If your audience for stories of your children doesn't have children of their own, to them their cat/dog/video game/dust bunnies under their bed will offer more entertainment than do your kids. 3) No one in the universe, not even your parents, thinks your children are even 1% as entertaining as you do, and thus the likelihood of your audience being bored and put off by your stupid insipid stories of them is very, very high. 4) If the story involves both children and poop, it cannot be other than boring and stupid and insipid, and the only thing you will accomplish by telling the tale is making sure they avoid you in the future.
This post is a prime example of these points.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-07-15 18:06:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The abbreviated version wasn't too fuckin' shabby....
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-07-15 18:03:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Who is Schlongy?
Submitted by kgbpasha (user info) at 2008-07-15 17:56:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
"Anyway, I digress"
That alone auto -2
It's me not you.
Submitted by billrhine (user info) at 2008-07-15 17:35:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-07-15 17:34:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by barnaclebill (user info) at 2008-07-15 17:18:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Schlongy -
here's the Cliff's notes version:
1) Fat Kid comes to my house
2) Fat Kid shits himself
3) Fat Kid's mom steals and puts my pants on her fat kid
4) Fat Kid goes back outside and acts like nothing happened
5) Fat Kid and family leave, with my pants, and my dignity
the end
===============
Shlongy posted a review. His name in the review was S-H-L-O-N-G-Y.
ARE YOU FUCKING RETARDED? CAN'T YOU FUCKING READ?????
What an idiot. Log off and stay off.
Submitted by HateMudkips (user info) at 2008-07-15 17:29:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i lol'ed
Submitted by myshit (user info) at 2008-07-15 17:20:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Much better version below.
Submitted by barnaclebill (user info) at 2008-07-15 17:18:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Schlongy -
here's the Cliff's notes version:
1) Fat Kid comes to my house
2) Fat Kid shits himself
3) Fat Kid's mom steals and puts my pants on her fat kid
4) Fat Kid goes back outside and acts like nothing happened
5) Fat Kid and family leave, with my pants, and my dignity
the end
Submitted by BobSandwich (user info) at 2008-07-15 17:17:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Next time you are in public with the kid call him out on it, then trick him into sitting on some melted chocolate.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-07-15 17:13:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Is there a Reader's Digest abbreviated version of this available for me? I'm a busy guy.