Earn +2s for your Doggy Style! (1030 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.46 on 35 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <ejryuu.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2008-07-16 11:36:54 EDT
Dear Uber,
I got a dog. I've wanted one for quite some time and a few weeks ago, I picked up my boxer, Aeris. She's adorable except for the fact that like most puppies, she pees and craps in places that only Chuck Berry would approve of.
My anti-social behavior has been strained since Aeris came into my life because now complete strangers feel that they've got to say something to me about my dog.
"Ohhhh! He's so cute!"
"What's his name?"
(Why do you assume it's a boy? Do you see a penis swinging underneath her legs?)
"What kind of dog is that?"
"How old is she?"
"I've been thinking about getting a dog just like that."
A man in an SUV started up his car this past Monday, saw my dog from several thousand feet away on the disc golf course and just sat and stared, craning his neck at least five hundred forty degrees before deciding he'd had his fill. I hope it caused permanent damage. On the other hand, my girlfriend just about nailed a car driving down the road with a misthrown disc. The driver actually had to swerve out of the way to dodge the Innova Wraith heading towards his windshield. When he passed by, though, the girl in the passenger seat didn't yell obsceneties, just "What a cute dog!" so I guess it has some advantages.
Aside from the standard comments listed above, the most often-spoke phrase has something to do with picking up women. Stuff like, "I bet you don't even need a pickup line now, huh?" or "Geeze, you must have all the girls following you around with such a cute dog" exit strangers' mouths on a daily basis.
What I don't understand, however, is exactly how that works. Even though I'm in a relationship, I can't help but wonder how in the hell a guy could use a puppy to pick up women. As best I can figure, it'd go something like this:
Random_Girl_01: Awwww, what a cute puppy!
Ejryuu: Yeah. Want to come back to my place and knock my junk around?
That might end poorly.
When a chick squats down to croon over a dog, it's not even a real icebreaker, but a golden opportunity to sneak a peak at her cleavage and/or backside. The task I'm charging you with is to come up with a good way to use a puppy as a pickup line and/or seal the deal. Any user that writes up a feasible way to do this will get five +2s spread out amongst their most five recent posts, no matter how worthless they are.
User Reviews
Submitted by loopdeloo (user info) at 2008-08-22 10:38:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Woman: What a cute puppy!
You: Actually she is my Seeing Eye dog. Unfortunately I don't think she was trained very well and she can't find our way home. If I gave you my address could walk me home????
It will work.
Submitted by traxadron (user info) at 2008-08-01 10:24:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Garbage!
Submitted by The_Cyst_Master (user info) at 2008-07-17 18:07:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Grab the dog by the waist, fuck it in the butt, pull out, ejaculate on your belly. Insert your fingers into the dog's ass and wipe the poop on your face. Rub out the red rocket then blow your dad while he eats a Butterfinger slathered with mayo. What is this contest again?
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2008-07-17 04:52:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That dog as afuckingdorable!
I used my Puppy (Lola the Chocolate Lab) to snag my woman (also a dog owner). It went a little something like....
"Aw, she's so cute!"
"Yeah she's lovely ain't she, we should take her out with your dog, make em friends?"
Bam - a couple of walks up the hills and she's all mine.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-07-17 04:18:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by PayMeLater (user info) at 2008-07-16 22:09:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
So you claim you're bedding a hot chick but you need advice from uber on how to talk to women?
-------------
Well, I've heard it said that Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
*wink*
Submitted by PayMeLater (user info) at 2008-07-16 22:09:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
So you claim you're bedding a hot chick but you need advice from uber on how to talk to women?
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2008-07-16 21:36:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-07-16 15:03:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
tell the woman that you got the puppy because you wanted a little girl to love. that should melt her heart and a few other places. then tell her the puppy was a good way to set you on the road to settling down, and that taking care of someone else is man's highest calling.
__________
When you're right, you're right.
Also
Awwwwwwwwwwww
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2008-07-16 19:19:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by PayMeLater (user info) at 2008-07-16 18:10:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Confidence
----------------
Maybe you misunderstood:
"The task I'm charging you with is to come up with a good way to use a puppy as a pickup line and/or seal the deal."
Is is THAT difficult to comprehend? This has nothing to do with me on my own, you cocksmoking toolbag. I'm currently bedding a girl who's leaps and bounds beyond what I should be banging so your clever little one-worder can crawl right back into the asshole that spewed it.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-07-16 19:17:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i dunno.
Submitted by PayMeLater (user info) at 2008-07-16 18:10:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Confidence
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2008-07-16 17:42:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Sometimes babies come with baggage, though. Or at least from my perspective, they would. A cute chick with a baby is a dicey situation most times. With a dog, you don't really have any negative aspects...other than piss and shit on the floor.
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2008-07-16 17:38:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You know, you could literally replace the word "dog" with "baby" and this post would still make perfect sense.
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2008-07-16 16:54:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
gorgeous
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2008-07-16 16:38:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
There's the potential for a "boxers or briefs" line in here somewhere, which would either end with you stripping down to some tighty-whities and getting it on with her in public OR watching your dog totally lez up and lick out the target. Depending on how you're feeling on a given day, either one could do it for you.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-07-16 16:37:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What does it mean, 'dog'?
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2008-07-16 15:41:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like boxers.
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2008-07-16 15:28:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-07-16 15:18:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
AWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-07-16 15:18:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
AWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-07-16 15:03:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
tell the woman that you got the puppy because you wanted a little girl to love. that should melt her heart and a few other places. then tell her the puppy was a good way to set you on the road to settling down, and that taking care of someone else is man's highest calling.
+2s, please.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-07-16 14:17:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ilove the look of boxers. they're awsome.
As for pulling with the puppy.... really it's just like any other easy opening, a means to start a conversation. the dog may open the door but if you can't speak, charm, and create the same presence in her mind that the dog had to attract her in the first place, then the dog is useless for pulling anyway.
what a cute doggggiiiiiieeee
Thanks, her name is aeries. I'm brdn_nkd
introduced right on the spot and by a dog nonetheless. now don't suck, stink, look slobby, drool, speak clingon, or any of that other nasty shit you do that turns women off when you approach them.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-07-16 13:33:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i have chewing gum in my hair. Why? Why do I have chewing gum in my hair?
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2008-07-16 13:13:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://cbs5.com/local/dog.masturbating.sex.2.771785.html
Cute pup.
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2008-07-16 12:51:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
no, using your dog FOR poon is unethical.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2008-07-16 12:21:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Using your dog to get poon is unethical.
HAHAHAHA J/K. What other reason is there to get a dog? It's like having a kid who can't talk or use the toilet. That said, I love dogs. My roommate's dog is entertaining as hell, and he's only somewhat of a pain in the ass (see my last post for his main issue).
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-07-16 12:11:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Potential Pull: Awwww, what a cute puppy!
You: She's the perfect size.
PP: Perfect size? For what?
You: Barbecueing.
<PP makes a decision, the results of which are indicated by her next statement>
Either a)
PP: You sick bastard! I'm calling the cops!
Or b)
PP: She is that. Where and when?
If a, say you're obviously kidding, apologize, and rub the dog as she makes puppy eyes at PP. Buy PP coffee at a nearby outdoor cafe while puppy mooches around the table. Utilize normal early-relationship information-finding skills to obtain a second meeting/date.
If b, take PP home immediately and bed her, then barbecue. The next day, get a new puppy and marry PP. You can't let that one get away.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-07-16 11:58:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
That is one good lookin' dog.
Now, not as cool as SHLONGY'S dogs, but someone has to come in second.
Submitted by Littlebint (user info) at 2008-07-16 11:55:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-07-16 11:54:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
But it'll grow into a muscle-bound, drooling-mouthed, mad-eyed devil dog within the year.
x
Pretty much like most of the men that have been in my life, hence why I get rid of them when they are 'Past' the cute phase.
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2008-07-16 11:55:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
That's why I need to get it in now!
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-07-16 11:54:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
But it'll grow into a muscle-bound, drooling-mouthed, mad-eyed devil dog within the year.
Submitted by Littlebint (user info) at 2008-07-16 11:52:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn that is a cute puppy.
Submitted by BobSandwich (user info) at 2008-07-16 11:50:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
What you want to do is teach your dog to hump pretty girls legs then you can walk up and say "No boy, you are doing it all wrong" and then stand behind her and hump her ass.
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-07-16 11:46:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
must.... resist... urge... to +2 super cute puppy...
Ah, it's no use.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-07-16 11:45:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Okay, what you wanna do is train your dog to go up to good-looking girls, lick them once on the sleeve and then stand there giving them the cute eyes. Then you come over, and you're all like "aw, I'm sorry my dog licked you. Let's get you home and out of those wet clothes."
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2008-07-16 11:43:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's an adorable pup
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2008-07-16 11:43:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i have a puppy myself and pretty girls stop to say how cute he is all the time. one time, after a girl said "awww he's so cute" i said (in my weird voice i use to say things i think my dog wants to say "you're not too bad yourself." all i got was an awkward look from the girl and ended up laying in bed with the puppy licking my toes. heaven.