Two Tales of Poop (680 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1 on 10 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Poots (View user info) at 2008-07-17 16:11:46 EDT
The day of poop is upon us may we all rejoice and bask slightly to the left in its' magnificents. It is a dignified and ceremonious day full of thoughts of that scene from Caddyshack where little girl 1 and her friend are hanging out at the pool and girl one throws a baby ruth in the pool you know the rest....(DOODY DOODY!)
Speaking of doody I just met a man with the last name Doody, no shit, but that is neither here nor there.
Let us pray....
Oh, on this most venerable days let us not forget that we all drop plops of poop from our anuses/ani? and that all anal shuffles do produce an odor...of much stinkyness. And may we bask in the malodorous fumes and not be overcome by the reeking stink. Lead us, all mighty harbor of shit, unto our fellow chocolate ice cream soft serve automatons so that we may better understand life and our pursuits for a ploppier poo. May we all have our poops pass with regularity and may our wipes be the providers of many joyous and comforting memories. Ahhhhhhhhh-man....*raspberry*
Tale I:A Turd in the Hand
A boy and his brother set unsupervised in a bathtub as they washed and splashed and played. As they splashed and played and washed, one brother the younger of the two, noticed a foreign object in the water. He gasped in astonishment at the odd grey colored floating thing in the water. It looked like a "wishie" as the child called it but is better known in some circles as the clock of a dandelion and the child commented on how odd that it was.
"How the heck did a wishie get in the water?"
"Well,' started the older brother with a wise look on his face 'that is not a a wishie it's a goldfish."
"A goldfish?' pondered the younger of the two,'Well doesn't that beat all. Say, how do you reckon a goldfish could have made it's way into the bath tub."
"It came up through the drain."
"Through the drain? How on earth could it have come up through the drain when the drain is clearly shut off so that water stays in the tub? Plus these don't look too much like goldfish I've never seen a grey goldfish." Stated the youngest naked brother as he wore a very quizzical look on his face.
"They came through the drain when you weren't looking stupid,' stated the oldest brother who was now staring with a I'm smarter than you so listen to everything I say look on his face,'you must be a moron if you don't know that. And everyone knows that these goldfish live in the pipes and that's what makes them turn that weird color and that's also why they look so skinny."
"Well if that doesn't beat all...can I play with them are they harmless?"
"Sure they are friendly go ahead and try to catch one."
The younger of the two brothers tried and tried but had no luck catching them. Every time he grabbed at one it seemed to slip right through his fingers.
"I can't catch them brother they are too slippery. Everytime I try to catch one some kind of mysterical force pushes them away from my hand. Where are the eyes on these things anyway?"
"These kind of goldfish don't have eyes. They don't need them to live in the dark pipes and sewers."
"Huh...well they aren't biting me and I don't seem to be bothering them too much I'll just see if I can't catch one yet." stated the younger of the two naked brothers as he went on with a smile on his face trying to catch the ever so elusive goldfish. Just as he was seeming to be getting the concept of catching these goldfish his mother and his mothers boyfriend, hearing the racket the two boys were making sloshing around in the bathtub trying to catch goldfish, pounced suddenly into the room.
"What the hell is going on in here boys."
"Oh nothing,' stated the younger brother,'just trying to catch some goldfish that came up through the pipes while we weren't looking."
"What!? Let me see!" as she looked into the tub and glanced upon the goldfish her jaw dropped and her eyes maddened.
"WHO SHIT IN THE TUB?"
'Nobody mom,' said the youngest boy as he stared unknowingly and scared at his mom who was clearly flying off the handle as she would say.'Just us and some goldfish hanging out," he finished with a shrug of the shoulders.
At that she and the boyfriend looked at each other and grabbed the oldest child out of the tub and into the other room for his reformation program aka 20 licks across a bare wet ass. On her way out of the bathroom she looked back at the youngest child still in the tub chasing a squirt of shit and hollered,"GET OUT OF THE TUB YOUR PLAYING WITH SHIT," and stormed out with the oldest still naked child squirming in her master lock tight grip.
"Heh,' jested the youngest boy as he sat in the tub, "now I get to play with the goldfish all by myself."
Tale II: A Turd in the Butt
My brother was a sicko. He would always put me up to no good or get me in trouble or beat me senseless. That was the way it was and I accepted and lived with that for many years. On one lovely evening we were in the living room playing and watching tv unsupervised. He came up to me as I was watching something like Banana Man or You Can't Do That On Television or something like that on nickelodeon and asked me if I wanted to try a rasin.
"Nope,' I said "you've been up your butt and I know that either that is poop in your hand or you put a rasin up your butt so that I would eat a poop crusted rasin."
"I didn't get this from my butt it's a rasin I found."
"Where did you find it I know we don't have rasins in the house so I know you didn't get it from anyplace near?" I rolled my eyes and scooted away from him to trying to overtly display my disinterest in his, pardon the pun, shitty game.
He was dead set on getting me to eat turd and came up with "On the ground," as his best quip.
Now I was totally out. Cards had been laid on the table and I was out of the eating turds idea my brother cooked up. But I knew his persistance and knew that I would not be left alone until I could prove that doody was in his hand and not a rasin.
"Lemme smell it. If it doesn't smell like doody then I will eat it.' I told him.
He lifted the dingleberry up to my nose and I wiffed, quite deeply, the smell of poop into my nostrils. I grimaced and held my nose. "That is turd if I've ever smelled it. If you want someone to eat it then you should please leave me alone."
But there was one last thing he had to do, that sick motherfucker, one last little go fuck yourself to ole poots. He took the dingleberry and shoved it on my nose shooting a nice aroma of shit up my nostrils and took off running.
I cursed him and went and washed my nose. There was no way I was going to catch him but there were ways I would have gotten him back for that shit in the future.
User Reviews
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-07-18 16:50:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by GangsterSquid (user info) at 2008-07-18 16:46:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Replen (user info) at 2008-07-18 06:56:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by woolfe (user info) at 2008-07-18 04:19:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
fantastic
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-07-17 18:10:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Tales of poop are usually pretty good and these are no exception.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-07-17 16:44:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-07-17 16:24:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Poots (user info) at 2008-07-17 16:22:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I think that's exactly how it all went down in brokeback.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2008-07-17 16:18:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was touching. The bathtub scene reminded me a bit of Brokeback Mountain. I've never actually seen the movie, or the commercials, but know people who have.
Submitted by Poots (user info) at 2008-07-17 16:15:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
heh...poop