Waiting for Gouda (587 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 0.93 on 32 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Flash Harry (View user info) at 2008-07-22 10:29:22 EDT
Act 1 - Scene 1
A deserted beach. An abandoned rowing boat.
Evening.
Oestrogen, sitting on a large boulder, is trying to untie a knot in her shoelace. She rips at the bind, panting.
She gives up, frustrated, tries again.
Enter Kenneth.
Oestrogen: (red-faced and hissing) Every bloody time...
Kenneth: (advancing in an amused gait, head cocked to the side) I'm starting to notice that about you. All day long you've been tying that lace, assuring me that you don't need no help, only to be struggling with it again in a few moments. (He grins, amused by the effort). And here you are again.
Oestrogen: (sighing) Just let me untie it this one more time. Then I'll tie it properly, in a double-knot, tight but not too loose. If it tangles again, and I untangle it, then you can tie it for me. Okay?
Kenneth: Okay.
Oestrogen: Where have you been, in any case?
Kenneth: I just stuck my head over the hill, for a look along the beach.
They are silent for a moment.
Oestrogen: What...looking for Gouda?
Kenneth: Mm-hmm.
Oestrogen: And?!
Kenneth: Nothing. He'll be here soon though, don't worry.
Oestrogen tears at her shoe-lace frantically.
Kenneth: You know, if you take your boot off you'll have more success.
Oestrogen: (ignoring him) Do you even know what this Gouda chap looks like? (Kenneth shakes his head). What kind of a name is Gouda, anyway? Isn't that some kind of cheese?
Kenneth: Dutch, I believe.
Oestrogen: What kind of person is named after a Dutch cheese?
Kenneth: (helpfully) Maybe the cheese is named after him?
They are silent again.
Oestrogen: Anything interesting in that old boat? (she points to the wrecked ship).
Kenneth shrugs his shoulders.
Oestrogen: Well, are you going to look? There might be some food in there. I feel like a raven.
Kenneth: Like a raven?
Oestrogen: Yeah. Ravenous.
Kenneth: Oh. (pause). I don't think -
Oestrogen: (interrupting) How long have we been waiting for this man, this cheese, this Gouda?
Kenneth: Beats me.
Oestrogen: And how long are we going to wait, exactly?
Kenneth: (thinks for a moment) Until he gets here, I'd imagine.
Oestrogen: And what do you propose we do in the meantime, hmm? (she continues struggling with her knotted shoelace).
Kenneth sits down on the boulder next to Oestrogen, grabs her shoe and tosses it to the side. He runs a finger through her hair, brushing it from her face and gazes into her eyes.
Kenneth: We could make love?
Oestrogen: (ponders) I'll make love to you Kenneth. If you can satisfactorily answer me these questions.
Kenneth: (excitedly) What questions?!
Oestrogen: Well, I haven't decided yet.
Kenneth: How many of them are there?!
Oestrogen: We'll see.
Kenneth picks up Oestrogen's shoe and gets to work on the knot. He gazes into the distance, oscillating his head from side to side as he knows not which direction Gouda will come from.
Oestrogen: Okay. Do you think that all the ducks could eat all the bread?
Kenneth stares blankly.
Oestrogen: Like, all the ducks that have ever lived, and all the bread that has ever been baked. If you had a big enough field, that is.
Kenneth: (irritated) And how on Earth am I supposed to be able to counter that? I don't know the answer.
Oestrogen: You don't have to know the answer. You just have to convince me (she points at her chest) that your answer could be correct.
Kenneth: (sighs) I dunno. I suppose, since the dawn of time - we are talking about since the dawn of time here, yeah?
Oestrogen: Mm-hmm.
Kenneth gets the shoelace untied, at last. He slips the shoe back into Oestrogen's foot, and she ties it up.
Kenneth: Well, there must have been billions of loaves of bread baked. But there will also have been billions of ducks. Think about any given day in Hyde Park or somewhere similar - there's thousands of the things. Quack, quack, quack. But then there's thousands of loaves baked for supermarkets alone, every single day.
Oestrogen: (pouting) So what do you reckon?
Kenneth: Yeah. I think all the ducks could eat all the bread. Ducks are greedy bastards.
Oestrogen: (smiling) That's good enough for me.
Kenneth: Really? So you wanna...
Oestrogen: (frowning) Hey, hey, hey. You answered one question, buster.
Kenneth: Well how many are there?
Oestrogen: We'll see.
Kenneth: So what's the next one then?
Oestrogen: Hmm...who would win in a fight to the death: a tame Alsatian...or a wild cow?
Kenneth raises his eyebrows and is silent for a moment.
Kenneth: (deflated) Your shoelace is all knotted up again.
User Reviews
Submitted by TiddlyWinks (user info) at 2008-07-23 16:15:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
See, I like this one a lot better. This one's nice
Submitted by PayMeLater (user info) at 2008-07-23 12:33:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
For some reason the periods in your user name bother me.
And the spacing.
And your writing.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-07-23 08:57:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
(I am kidding, FJ is one of the best noobs on here)
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-07-23 08:45:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
We have, el. Ain't no one else in here, this post is shite, do you blame 'em. I mean talking hormones, what will this guy spout out next?!!
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-07-23 08:40:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
get a room!!
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-07-23 08:36:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Not at all. Fannyflaps :oP
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-07-23 08:34:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
PS I hope you didn't mind me calling you spacker. Spaz face.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-07-23 08:19:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*lobs a few rotten tomatoes*
I warned you about using your 'humour' in public, didn't I?
It is the application for the house, I have done a paper copy instead, but thought it might be handy in the future. you never know when a pdf might be vital in the world of cakes.
Betty Crocker might have a new instruction guide out.
Anyway, lets ditch this hell hole and send each other dirty pics.
Speaking of which, I put money on it you looked into nipple enlarging sucton machines.
PERVERT
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-07-23 08:15:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yes, you will need Adobe. Or you could send the pdf to me and I will send it back as a jpg.
I thought all computer engineers kept in their pocket was a three and a half inch floppy...
*winces*
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-07-23 08:11:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Listen here, Bell, I will regale you with my first two lesbian experiences and that time a dogging trip went drastically wrong, but that is it!
What do I need to open a pdf? Abode? Oh god, someone get me a fucking computer engineer. I am so dumb. Actually, he refused sometime ago to fix my home PC as the windows I installed is fake. He did however, screw me hard over the dinng room table with his pounding 12 inch cock.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-07-23 08:06:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'll comply with your idea. Just a little smut in return is all I ask. Just a little.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-07-23 08:05:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
(soory old bean, I thought that link was to something else I had missed. of course you get +2's forever, you seen me nekkid)
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-07-23 08:01:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oi! Reading your drivel once a day is enough, thanks!
Why does uber look exactly the same as when I left it a couple of hours ago?
Why has no one posted anything?
Oooooh, I just came up with an idea! I will mail you, you so you can poo poo it and make me shelve it and then just ask me what turns me on. OK?
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-07-23 07:58:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I should think so too.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/116127#2692044
*coughs*
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-07-23 07:49:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought I rated this already! You can have a free upgrade to +2 for that.
Submitted by Desz (user info) at 2008-07-22 21:02:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2008-07-22 19:52:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Just keep on writing.
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2008-07-22 14:47:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You made me hungry, you asshole.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-07-22 11:37:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i didn't care for this at all.
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-07-22 11:35:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I've always wanted to say "That'sa Gouda!" and have it be relevant.
Thanks.
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-07-22 11:11:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-07-22 16:04:47 BST (#)
Ranking: 0
Shlongy has come to remind me of a penguin. Maybe its his height, or his beak, or the way he quacks away quite pointlessly...
Penguin below.
------------------
A little perverted penguin you just can't stop kicking in the head?
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-07-22 11:04:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Shlongy has come to remind me of a penguin. Maybe its his height, or his beak, or the way he quacks away quite pointlessly...
Penguin below.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-07-22 11:00:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Are you an alter, too?
Submitted by BobSandwich (user info) at 2008-07-22 10:59:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-07-22 10:57:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2008-07-22 15:52:07 BST (#)
Ranking: 0
Horrid. 6 days of sobriety and I already feel like a worse person.
-------------------------
Only another 359.25 to go!
Submitted by myshit (user info) at 2008-07-22 10:56:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Didn't read it.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2008-07-22 10:52:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Horrid. 6 days of sobriety and I already feel like a worse person.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-07-22 10:49:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Witty
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-07-22 10:47:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think Uber is broken today.
This wasn't some of your better work, Mr Bell, but I see what you did there.
Also, I was walking along Assateague Island not too long ago, and came upon a shipwreck that had been pulled up from the depths by a nasty winter storm. It was the coolest thing I'd seen all year.
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-07-22 10:41:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wtf is going on? Everytime I put a comment in here it keeps disappearing....
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-07-22 10:39:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hmm, yes, quite.
How's the liver holding up? Athambic?
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2008-07-22 10:35:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
My divine athambia, divine aphasia quaquaqua etc. perhaps precluded me from enjoy this more.
Or less.