20- something part 2 (497 hits)
Category: NoneRating: -0.33 on 20 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by loveinbrevity (View user info) at 2008-07-24 02:21:55 EDT
He needed to make a pivotal decision. It was time to shit or get off the pot. If he decided to stay with Ally he would eventual have to marry her, have kids, and get a job and a two car garage. If he were to leave her now, uncertainty is all that he could see ahead. The thought of leaving Ally scared him. He wasn't worried about being lonely or having trouble with women. Women have always been found of him, they treated him as a child with special permission to eat the frosting off the cake.
He felt as though at this very moment he had reached a fork in the rode and he didn't have time to contemplate the decision. If he stayed with Ally the road was straight and narrow. If he chooses to leave her he would be taking a long and winding road. For some reason he felt that he had to make the decision right away. He was overwhelmed with a sense of urgency. One road or the other; he had to choose now.
He could hear Ally yammering away on the telephone in the other room; she was on the phone with her mother. The conversation was benign and idle. He got up walked to the door grabbed the handle and paused. He closed his eyes, took a deep breath and turned the handle. He marched into the room were Ally was. He stood silently in the doorway. Ally had her back to him, but she could sense his presence. She turned around and could see the urgency in his face.
"I have to go Mom." She hung up the phone.
"What's wrong babe?"
"We need to talk Ally."
"Is it the photograph? If you don't like it on this wall we can move it. It's not a big deal."
"No, it's not about the photograph. Sit down."
Ally raised an eyebrow and shot a quizzical expression at him. She took a few steps backwards and sat in the computer chair. She crossed her legs nervously and placed her hands, palms up, in her lap.
"What's wrong?" She asked helplessly starring up at him with doe eyes. His expression was unyielding. He was a man on a mission. He stood with his legs shoulder length apart. He puffed out his chest, his broad shoulders were back and his head was held high. His fists were balled and held at his hips. He dropped his fist dramatically to his sides and began to pace the room.
"Ally, do you love me?"
"Of course I love you. What the hell kind of a question is that?"
"No." He pressed his palms together so his fingers were lined up. His hands were in prayer position. He brought his hand to his face and rested him chin on his thumbs. His pointer fingers were touching his nose and his elbows were out. He brought his hands down from his face and pointed them at Ally. Exasperated, he clapped his hands and dropped them back to his side.
"No, Ally do you really love me or are you just comfortable?"
Ally opened her mouth to answer but was quickly cut off.
"I love you Ally, but I'm no longer sure if I'm in it because it's what I should do or if it's because it's what I really want. I need to leave Ally, not because I don't love you. I need to leave because I could never live with myself if I didn't find out what else is out there. I'm only 24 Ally and all I know of the whole world is that shitty college and you. I have to do more with my youth. Unfortunately I can't do it with you still around. This is something I have to do on my own. I'm leaving you Ally. You can keep the apartment, but I'm leaving and I'm leaving tonight."
He stormed out of the room without giving Ally a chance to reply. He didn't even pause to look at her face to see her reaction. He grabbed a duffle bag and started to pack his essentials.
"All I need is a few things; I can come back for the rest when she is not around."
He was opening and slamming drawers grabbing fistfuls of clothing and shoving them into his bag. He went into the bathroom and grabbed his toothbrush. He walked towards the front door with his duffle bag in hand. He grabbed the knob, closed his eyes, took a deep breath and dropped the handle. With his head hanging low he walked slowly back towards the room where he had left Ally. He peered into the door to see her still sitting in the chair where he had left her. She was starring at the corner just to the left of where he stood. Her face was expressionless. She became aware of his presence and very slowly her eyes made their way from the corner of the room to lock with his; they began to fill with tears.
"If you're going to go, go." She said calmly and blankly. The tears began to roll silently down her face.
"What do you want from me?; If you are looking for some sort of protest you aren't going to get it. You have obviously made your decision without even thinking of me." She broke eye contact with him and looked at the floor. There was dead silence for about 20 seconds. When she looked back up again the tears had stopped flowing from her eyes. Her sadness had been replaced with anger.
"Get the fuck out, and don't you dare come back. When you realize that you have made a mistake do not even fucking think about trying to come back to me. No one will ever be as sweet to you as I was. Good luck finding someone else to put up with all your shit."
He stood in the doorway. He hadn't moved. His eyes were pleading with her now. She got up from the chair and walked steadily towards him. She was six inches away from him. They were locked in eye contact. She spit directly in his face and pushed him out of the doorway. She slammed the door shut.
He took a few steps away and stared at the closed white door. He could hear Ally weeping from the inside. Instinctively he wanted to break the door down to console her. He shook it off and ran to the front door. He opened the door and flew down the steps. He fiddled with his keys and got into his car. He sat in the driver's seat turned on the ignition and backed out of the driveway.
User Reviews
Submitted by Respek (user info) at 2008-07-25 00:46:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
this is good work but i need to keep appearances.
Fuck you! You should live in a dumpster along with your best friend Fail!
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-07-24 22:36:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
hhahahah
Y HALO THAR PERKMAN
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-07-24 21:51:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Refresh my memory...did I remember to -2 Part I???
Submitted by Desz (user info) at 2008-07-24 21:32:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Much better formatting
But the story got worse and to much use of cliches
Submitted by loveinbrevity (user info) at 2008-07-24 14:42:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.ubersite.com/m/117733
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-07-24 13:21:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
The melodrama and manufactured angst were so thick I could have spread it on toast and eaten it, if I didn't hate the taste so much. Next time, write about something interesting, and write longer fucking chapters.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2008-07-24 11:23:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
a fork in the rode
ROAD road row-add
kill yourself.
not for a typo, but for the overall poor craftsmanship and general lack of ...
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2008-07-24 07:59:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
On the positive side, you're fomatting here is MUCH better than the previous post and I guess I've come back to read part two so the whole thing can't be THAT much of a trainwreck. -.5 overall
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2008-07-24 07:53:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
shite.
Sorry, because you appear to put a lot of effort in here but you need to change your entire writing style to even make this bearable.
There is literally no flow at all to this story, I suggest you re-read it yourself and count how many of your sentances start of with the words 'he', 'his', or 'she' - It's almost every single one. The net result is that it reads like minutes from a meeting. He did this. he did that. she reacted this way. He felt this. Try combining some sentances to make it a little more fluid. In case you were unaware, this can be done using words like 'and'.
Dialogue is stilted and contrived as mentioned earlier. How many times when you speak to people do you actually use their names? Once per conversation maybe. Certainly not three times in as many sentances.
Litereally dozens of cliches in here also.
And the story itself is quite dull anyway.
Other than that, keep up the good work!
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-07-24 07:37:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Although there were flaws, parts of this were very nice, actually.
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2008-07-24 07:05:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This is a +1 for the poster.
You're the chick who posts hot photos of yourself right?
More hot photos, more hot photos.
Submitted by myshit (user info) at 2008-07-24 05:16:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This is part 2??
but how on earth do i find part 1?
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-07-24 04:12:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
When you re-read, if you see something that is in any way remotely clichéd or over-used, change it.
Listen to Orphelia, she is the sage of uber.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-07-24 04:00:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
and you have globes
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-07-24 03:59:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I had to plus +1 just for the fact that you listen to what I say!
I may not be much cop at writing but I do know what I like to read.
I thought some bits were good, and the scene, although not exactly true to life in speech and sometimes action, did make me recall the times the same thing has happened to myself.
And you are a sweetie.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-07-24 03:58:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I hear a photo of your globes would also get you a higher rating
Submitted by loveinbrevity (user info) at 2008-07-24 03:55:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thank you orphelia. I will try to work on my cliches in the next part. The dialoge was kind of contrived and i will try to do better. As the story progresses the main character will grow and become more likable. Thanks for the help.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-07-24 03:53:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"He needed to make a pivotal decision"
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'pivotal' is not needed. Every decision is pivotal.
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"If he stayed with Ally the road was straight and narrow. If he chooses to leave her he would be taking a long and winding road."
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This made me cringe. It is like a sentence from a trashy romance paperback.
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"Ally had her back to him, but she could sense his presence"
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Again, see above.
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At least you are trying, so 0 for that.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-07-24 03:52:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good Effort
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-07-24 03:45:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I read this earlier, lady, you use every cliche and hackneyed expression known to man. Twice.
The reader has to empathise with the lead character. Here, I think he is a bit of a shit. Not for what he is doing, but the way he is doing it.
I think some of he conversation was a tad contrived to say the least and your word choices - again - let you down badly.
I am interested to see where this is going, perhaps in the same way people rubberneck to see a motoway pile up though.
I am sure some people will like this mundane, sometimes poorly written story, but so far, it fails to float my boat. But you asked for constructive hints and I am trying to help.