Shit, TToM posted so no one will pay attention to this random piece of crap (1055 hits)
Category: Politics -> IraqRating: 1.96 on 42 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Fear not the Henley afro (View user info) at 2008-07-24 16:17:46 EDT
The Pinko and The Man
The Pinko is crashing at my place again. Without going into the boring details, she had to have a series of three surgeries to correct a health problem. She is on her third and final one. She crashed at my place for the second one as well. It was decided that after her first surgery, and subsequent hospitalization 3 weeks later due to not having someone at her place to look after her, she would spend her recovery times at my pad.
Being a Pinko, I thought she would be against servitude, but she seems to be rather content having me wait on her, fix her meals, and look after the incisions she herself cannot reach. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy to do it for her since she is a dear friend. We did bump into a problem last time though. If I was upstairs (her 'bedroom' was downstairs) and listening to music or watching TV, I couldn't hear her if she called me.
So this time, the Pinko brought a bell. The first two nights, she was so doped up she slept. The third night, she started weaning herself off the pain medication and began to feel actual pain. She would start yowling and would grab the bell.
Me: [poking my head downstairs] What?
Her: OW!
Me: You want some pain meds? Are you hungry? Do you need something?
Her: No.
Me: What then?
Her: This really hurts.
About a week later I was upstairs reading something. All was quiet. No music, no TV. Peaceful. By now, her pain was subsiding to a mere annoyance level. She started ringing the bell.
Me: [poking my head downstairs] What?
Her: I have to go to the doctor tomorrow for another follow up appointment. Can you take me after you get off work?
Me: Why did you ring the bell? I could have heard you.
Her: It's fun! So, can you take me?
Me: Yes. You ring that bell again, something bad will happen.
That was a dare apparently. A day of her appointment, I arrived home and ran upstairs to change. As I was dressing, she started ringing the bell. I calmly walked downstairs, helped her into the car, went back inside and grabbed the bell. I walked over to the passenger side of the car and showed her that I had the bell. She smiled at me. "Watch this" I said. I walked down the hill and over to the fence of the graveyard that juts up against my backyard.
And threw the bell over it.
I calmly walked back to the car and drove her to her appointment.
I'm thinking of retrieving the bell, waiting until she's asleep, opening the windows downstairs, standing in the backyard, and ringing the bell. The last time she saw her bell, it was getting tossed over a fence into a graveyard. She sort of believes in ghosts.
Hopefully she'll shit herself.
------
I'm trying to be nice (i.e. not be a bitch) so I'm fighting the urge to dump The Man over petty things and my 'committed relationship' phobia. He stays over frequently. Not too long ago I was walking up the stairs carrying some clean laundry to hang up. The Man was sitting on the couch with his feet up on my coffee table watching TV. He looked quite comfortable which made me uneasy. He looked too comfortable. I proceeded to hang my clothes up and ignored the inner bitch in me who was thinking some very unfriendly things.
He always is asking me to go with him on outings when he has his 4 year old daughter. I've gone a few times. After the third time of women coming up to me and telling me how 'cute my daughter is,' I refuse to go. The Man doesn't quite get the panic that wells up in me. I tried to explain that I was married once and once was enough and that I decided against having children for a good reason and that anything that smacks of a typical domestic relationship makes me want to bolt and I get the creeps when people think that he and I actually had a child together. He just squinted at me.
He buys food that he wants to eat and puts it at my place for the times he stays over. Sometimes he doesn't eat it and it'll sit there cluttering the fridge and the pantry. "Are you planning to eat this?" I'll inquire. "Eventually" he'll respond. If it sits there for a month, I'll chuck it. He gets upset. "Why'd you throw the bread away?!" he'll bray. "What, the bread that had mold growing all over it? I have no idea why I would have thrown that away. Silly, silly me."
My trash man must think I'm an alcoholic. I'm pretty sure he knows I live alone, so I'm also pretty sure he is shocked at the amount of empty booze items that he collects every week. He comes early in the mornings on Wednesdays. One time he saw me as I left for work. He looked at me funny as if to say 'Wow, to look at her, you wouldn't think she was a lush.'
There is a blood stain on the floor of my garage. The Man was working on his van over at my place. I don't know what he was doing, but he sliced some part of his body pretty well. I just noticed it. I need to get that up. I don't want anyone to think I killed someone.
His socks, boxer shorts, and tooth brush make me nervous. First it's socks and boxer shorts and tooth brushes, next thing he'll try to move in.
He called me on my cell phone. I was out buying cleaning supplies and laundry detergent.
Him: What are you doing? Where are you at?
Me: Why?
Him: Just curious.
Me: Buying some laundry soap.
Him: When are you going to be home?
Me: Why?!
Him: Just curious.
long silence
Him: Would you pick me up some bread for when I come over?
User Reviews
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2008-07-29 09:10:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Enjoyable.
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2008-07-28 12:09:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HOLY CRAP, THAT'S THE GUY!!
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-07-28 12:02:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
See what I mean about Missouri squirrels? Yeah they're fat and lazy but they're also gangbangers and they all think of themselves as 'OG's.'
Here's one of the little bastard's mugshot.
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v723/Forensicgirl3/squirrel-1.jpg
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2008-07-28 11:52:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your evil plan to get revenge on Pinko is awesome. Leave the bloodstain, your neighbours will leave you alone. I need to find a way to make my neighbours shut the hell up, and am thinking a nice fresh bloodstain on my front porch will do nicely.
I was thinking of you last weekend (in non stalker fashion) because there was an Eagles request weekend on the radio. I thought about Don Henley's afro and was suitably frightened. Also, one of your brown squirrels seems to have made its way here. They're brave motherfuckers aren't they? This one sat in the tree next to the car, chattered and made gang signs until I threw my keys at him. He picked them up and tried to jack the car, but he couldn't drive stick. HAW HAW.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2008-07-26 12:30:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-07-25 10:53:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-07-25 05:27:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Cooler than the other side of the pillow.
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2008-07-25 10:48:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha. I really liked this.
It's funny how that "crowding" thing works. There are times women have done it to me and I bolted like a cheetah, and times I've done it to women and they've gone the way of the hare: fast and far away.
Which could mean a few things:
1) Needy people put us all off, even other needy ones.
2) We have a subconcious feeling inside that anyone who wants or needs us must be a fucking loser and get teh fuck away from me.
So that's only two.
Anyway marriage does indeed suck unless you get really, really lucky.
So does being single in some ways.
Catch-22.
Life, she is a mutherfuker.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-07-25 10:28:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was going to offer a personal anecdote in yet another attempt to charm the pants off you, but I have a fucking stye. It's gross, it hurts, and I'm not in my usual ebullient mood. So fuck it.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-07-25 07:52:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2008-07-25 03:56:58 CDT (#)
Ranking: 1
So how's the Pinko's new cock?
======
WTF?!
Are you stupid or just retarded?
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-07-25 05:27:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Cooler than the other side of the pillow.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-07-25 05:26:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like your posts as much as your reviews on other peoples posts.
And you do look like Laura Dern I would be surprised if no one has said this before.
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2008-07-25 04:56:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
So how's the Pinko's new cock?
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2008-07-25 02:23:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I can’t help it about the shape I'’m in
I can’'t sing, I ain’'t pretty and my legs are thin
Well don’'t ask me what I think of you
I might not give the answers that you want me to
Oh well.
Submitted by Respek (user info) at 2008-07-24 21:33:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Screwed this one like you screwed your mother...
poorly.
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-07-24 20:18:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-07-24 19:48:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2008-07-24 19:28:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was much better than the other post.
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2008-07-24 19:24:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-07-24 18:42:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sounds like you need a visit from Shlongy.
Submitted by tmofw (user info) at 2008-07-24 17:33:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Didn't read it. But it's +2's from now on.
It saves all the arguing.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-07-24 17:33:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
your mean!
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-07-24 17:23:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Aw, that's sweet of you, Bubba. Nope, I'm not rattled, just a little tweaked on caffeine is all.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-07-24 17:20:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-07-24 17:06:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I just had some coffee, Bubba, give me a break. I didn't think it was worth another review when I caught those 2, and I missed the 'it's' altogether. I noticed a typo from you the other night and I let it slide. Don't make me track it down, mister..
===============
ME?? A TYPO??? GOD FORBID!!!!
I only thought that you were rattled. Don't let a MAN do that to you. Most men are assholes, myself included. I only had your interests at heart.
Submitted by Linus (user info) at 2008-07-24 17:15:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll just assume this was good somehow.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-07-24 17:06:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I just had some coffee, Bubba, give me a break. I didn't think it was worth another review when I caught those 2, and I missed the 'it's' altogether. I noticed a typo from you the other night and I let it slide. Don't make me track it down, mister..
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-07-24 17:03:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
As far as The Man leaving food to spoil- I'd much rather that scenario then the one where the man I used to live with would comment about how everything I ate was too lowfat/sugarfree/etc and then would proceed to eat it without asking anyway, and then replace it with it's unhealthy counterpart.
------
He does that too.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-07-24 16:59:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-07-24 16:41:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I saw that spongebob episode.
Does it bother anyone that spongebob is a crossdresser?
==============
No more than it bothers us about you and Method. . .
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-07-24 16:56:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-07-24 16:39:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I JUST watched an episode of Spongebob Squarepants that sounded a lot like your bell dilemma. You see, squidward was sick or injured or something, and Spongebob waited on him like a good friend, and then the perpetual ingrate started to get much too comfortable. I'm sure there may have been some valuable advice by the end of the episode, but to be honest I was high at the time and I don't remember it.
As far as The Man leaving food to spoil- I'd much rather that scenario then the one where the man I used to live with would comment about how everything I ate was too lowfat/sugarfree/etc and then would proceed to eat it without asking anyway, and then replace it with it's unhealthy counterpart. It made me metnal. We might be moving in together again.
=================
Sacrilicious, CALM DOWN!!!! I've never seen you use then when you meant than, nor have I seen you pull a typo on a word like mental. Or the use of it's where you meant its. You are really rattled. Calm down and tell the Man to fuck off and die.
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2008-07-24 16:54:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
oh and title...
I think we all feel that way sometimes.
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-07-24 16:52:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I should have read TTOM's post again. +2 is for the poster, not the post.
I know, I know - save your breath.
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2008-07-24 16:51:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
In soviet Russia, teeth brush YOU.
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-07-24 16:42:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah, blood stains. That reminds me...
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-07-24 16:42:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2008-07-24 16:28:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Doodles goes to the arts & crafts store and buys glitter to pour all over himself so that his wife thinks he's cheating and she'll get jealous and pay attention to him
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-07-24 16:22:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have glitter on my hand an NO IDEA how it got there.
==========================================================
Also, I get glitter on me all the time. Fairies give great blow-jobs. My wife doesn't mind, because she doesn't believe they're real.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-07-24 16:41:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I saw that spongebob episode.
Does it bother anyone that spongebob is a crossdresser?
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-07-24 16:41:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
1) I did notice it actually.
2)"Hopefully she'll shit herself."
I should hope not, considering you had just finished talking about how you have to help her with the stitches she couldn't reach, etc. Do you really want her asking you for that kinda help?
Not that you would have to of course, but I think the stench would give you some encouragement in that direction, not to mention the problem of residue remaining on your couch or bed, or whatever she's on at the time.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-07-24 16:39:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I JUST watched an episode of Spongebob Squarepants that sounded a lot like your bell dilemma. You see, squidward was sick or injured or something, and Spongebob waited on him like a good friend, and then the perpetual ingrate started to get much too comfortable. I'm sure there may have been some valuable advice by the end of the episode, but to be honest I was high at the time and I don't remember it.
As far as The Man leaving food to spoil- I'd much rather that scenario then the one where the man I used to live with would comment about how everything I ate was too lowfat/sugarfree/etc and then would proceed to eat it without asking anyway, and then replace it with it's unhealthy counterpart. It made me metnal. We might be moving in together again.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2008-07-24 16:36:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2008-07-24 16:32:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
EVERYONE HOLD ON TIGHT TO SOMETHING, THE COMEDIC VACUUM THAT IS BUBBA JUST ARRIVED
***
Were you GOING for irony?
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2008-07-24 16:32:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
EVERYONE HOLD ON TIGHT TO SOMETHING, THE COMEDIC VACUUM THAT IS BUBBA JUST ARRIVED
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-07-24 16:31:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
In our world you have no brain.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-07-24 16:29:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Atleast in method's world i have a wife.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2008-07-24 16:28:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Doodles goes to the arts & crafts store and buys glitter to pour all over himself so that his wife thinks he's cheating and she'll get jealous and pay attention to him
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-07-24 16:22:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have glitter on my hand an NO IDEA how it got there.