The art of getting laid - Interlude (1309 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.7 on 73 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Spam (View user info) at 2008-07-25 08:10:39 EDT
I sleep for the first time in days, dreams a warped miasma of the hours I spent with Her. Time wasted. I dream of phone calls that stretch into the early hours, of train journeys and hotel rooms. Of the complete and unadulterated joy in meeting up with her after our time apart. Rose-tinted memories of the night I moved away and how tender she was, how loving, how we promised each other that we'd make it work despite the distance between us. Mostly I dream of our laughter, soft and intimate, throaty chuckles shared as we lay in bed together, not quite sleeping.
And when I awake, for a second at least, it feels like I'm still there, like we've still got it, like there's still somebody walking around this earth that actually cares for me. Loves me.
And then I remember that I'm not, and we haven't and there isn't because she doesn't. Probably, she never did.
And it's like a punch in the stomach, a sharp pain that never abates. It clouds my every thought and crushes me with every pain racked movement I make.
And I stay there for a while, a long fucking while, using up every ounce of concentration I have to make it all stop, to find a single fucking reason why I should bother to get off this sofa and go about my day.
But even then, It never goes away.
Saturday
9.30am
Joe prods me with his foot to see if I'm awake for the second time in as many mornings but everything feels different today, less jovial. I see his face register shock as I sit up off the couch to face him and I don't have to look in the mirror to know that I look like shit, tired eyes haunting an unshaven face. He looks just as bad as well, a consequence of spending the majority of last night passed out in a ditch outside.
"Sleep well?" He eyes the 2nd empty whisky bottle on the table as he asks and nods, knowing that he doesn't really need an answer.
"You?" I reply, forcing a smile. I remember taking his keys from his coat and leaving him unconscious in the rain.
"Fuck you" he says.
We sit there in silence for a long time, each of us trying to piece together the shattered memories of the previous evening and both trying to work out at exactly what point it all went so wrong. After a while Joe produces a bottle of vodka from behind his sofa and pours out two glasses knowing that to ask first would be insulting. And we sit, quietly drinking the morning away, not feeling the need to speak to each other unless we really believe it's worth it.
And lets face it, when you're both drinking neat vodka from dirty glasses at nine o'clock in the morning, it rarely is.
11.05am
*****INCOMING SMS - SHE WHO MUST NOT BE NAMED*****
****Hi Sammy, I heard you were back in town last night. Are you okay? I miss you... Nikki.***
My first reaction is elation, joy that she's messaged me and delight in what it says. That soon subsides though and in it's place grows a deep and brooding anger. Fuck Her. Fuck her for telling me that I wasn't good enough for her those weeks ago. Fuck Her for thinking it's okay to treat people like shit and then smile at them a month later as though nothing ever happened. Fuck Her for calling me last week and setting the wheels in motion that led me to be here, on this sofa, miles from home, lonely and depressed and in the middle of a weekend of drunken disappointment.
But mainly I'm angry at myself.
Because there's no denying my first reaction was still one of elation.
16.12pm
Seeing Leon was a smart move.
There's a pang of resentment as I light my first spliff in 6 months and yeah, it does piss me off that I've reverted to this because of Her but all of that goes as soon as I take my first glorious lungful, it all goes along with everything else. I don't feel angry anymore and the heavy weight of inferiority lifts from my chest. But I'm not happy either. Or tired, or hungover. I'm no longer depressed or hungry.
As I lay back and lazily close my eyes for a thankfully dreamless sleep, I feel absolutely nothing whatsoever.
And it's fucking wonderful.
Day One - http://www.ubersite.com/m/117674
Day Two - http://www.ubersite.com/m/117757
User Reviews
Submitted by Linus (user info) at 2008-08-17 13:50:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 Spam. I hope this works--goddamn thing took me an hour to write.
Submitted by Zampano (user info) at 2008-08-17 11:41:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-08-16 19:24:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Registered_S_O (user info) at 2008-08-16 00:52:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
furiously tugging away in a race to jizz before succumbing to the darkness.
one of the most despicable comments I have ever read.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2008-08-15 09:13:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2008-08-07 13:21:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Day 3 http://www.ubersite.com/m/118001
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2008-07-25 23:07:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sure.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-07-25 22:00:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
PayMeLater-HotWillie blows.
Submitted by PayMeLater (user info) at 2008-07-25 21:53:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bubba below.
Submitted by billrhine (user info) at 2008-07-25 21:37:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by regal1975 (user info) at 2008-07-25 19:06:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
eagerly awaiting more.
Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2008-07-25 15:50:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Somewhat amusing series. Definately better then most of the shit being posted these days.
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2008-07-25 15:49:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2008-07-25 14:58:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
too*
FUCK GRAMMAR
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2008-07-25 14:58:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
now who's trying to hard, Orphelia
HUH?!
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-07-25 13:04:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-07-25 12:35:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh and spam, little Gary Junior has an ASBO in Wolverhampton so we can't go there. besides, it was all a little too upmarket for me.
Maybe i will move to Hull.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-07-25 12:30:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2008-07-25 16:47:38 BST (#)
Ranking: 0
You're right of course. She should just move to Wolverhampton, call her half-breed spawn Frogmella and be done with it, hoping each day that her rotten tit hasn't fallen off yet.
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Yes, it wasn't cancer, turns out I just have a shite pair of tits.
No previous partner said anything. but then, there isn't much chance to get totally naked in the back of a Ford Mondeo or in the ally behind Lexis.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-07-25 12:28:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-07-25 16:32:28 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
she's a beaten down council whore who knows she's a worthless family allowance holding breeding machine.
one needs a sense of pride to be insulted, you may as well try and insult a potted plant.
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I have told you before, I am with the local housing association and it isn't family allowance anymore it is tax credit.
What is pride? is that what lions live in?
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2008-07-25 11:58:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2008-07-25 11:47:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You're right of course. She should just move to Wolverhampton, call her half-breed spawn Frogmella and be done with it, hoping each day that her rotten tit hasn't fallen off yet.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-07-25 11:32:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
she's a beaten down council whore who knows she's a worthless family allowance holding breeding machine.
one needs a sense of pride to be insulted, you may as well try and insult a potted plant.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2008-07-25 11:29:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
yeah, I tried to start on Orphelia but she's such a useless cunt that she actually enhoyed it.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-07-25 11:20:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2.
i thought you'd like a bit of drama.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-07-25 10:59:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Except Rob Berg, he's a real quitter.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2008-07-25 10:49:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
nobody ever really quits anything.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-07-25 10:49:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
oh go reward yourself, you deserve it!
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2008-07-25 10:48:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yes. That's how hard it was to quit.
Not smoking weed for 6 months after 6 years of daily intake was so fucking tough that once I did it
, I really needed a spliff.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-07-25 10:47:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
yeah dont buy anymore, it is great stuff but if you have quit, you have quit.
You are gonna have to quit all over again
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2008-07-25 10:44:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It was really tough to quit, so you're going to go buy some more?
Are we speaking the same language?
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2008-07-25 10:37:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2008-07-25 10:21:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You resent her for you smoking?
--
More annoyed at myself for getting that fucked up over somebody I started up again. It was really tough to quit smoking weed and I miss it every fucking day.
In fact fuck it, I'm gonna go buy an ounce tonight.
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2008-07-25 10:21:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You resent her for you smoking?
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-07-25 10:18:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2008-07-25 14:50:21 BST (#)
Ranking: 0
If it comes out black, just call it 'AIDS' to make future diagosis easier for the doctors.
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I am pretty sure it won't come out Asian, I went to the toilet STRAIGHT after, so I am hedging my bets on black, white, very possibly chinese.
Maury and his team are being very supportive.
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-07-25 10:09:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-07-25 08:37:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Its all a bit...I don't know...meh.
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I knew there was a reason I don't like him.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2008-07-25 09:50:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
If it comes out black, just call it 'AIDS' to make future diagosis easier for the doctors.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-07-25 09:36:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2008-07-25 14:34:28 BST (#)
Ranking: 0
BJ
----
OD
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-07-25 09:35:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by myshit (user info) at 2008-07-25 14:32:21 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-07-25 09:29:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd like to name my kids the kinda names they give show dogs - Princess Penelope Mandarin Smythe III
But it will be Poppy for a girl and Finley for a boy. I like Reuben too.
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We went with Finlay (don't know why with an A, because it's still pronnounced Fin-ley).
It suits him just fine.
---------------------------------------------
I like both spellings.
It will be Finley if the baby comes out white, Reuben if it comes out black.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2008-07-25 09:34:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
BJ
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-07-25 09:33:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-07-25 14:29:46 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd like to name my kids the kinda names they give show dogs - Princess Penelope Mandarin Smythe III
But it will be Poppy for a girl and Finley for a boy. I like Reuben too.
~~~~~~~~~~~
You should give the new arrival a hip, snappy name, without any vowels.
Like KT. Or JD. Or FJ.
Submitted by myshit (user info) at 2008-07-25 09:33:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ugh, spelling is horrid.
Submitted by myshit (user info) at 2008-07-25 09:32:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-07-25 09:29:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd like to name my kids the kinda names they give show dogs - Princess Penelope Mandarin Smythe III
But it will be Poppy for a girl and Finley for a boy. I like Reuben too.
--------------
We went with Finlay (don't know why with an A, because it's still pronnounced Fin-ley).
It suits him just fine.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-07-25 09:29:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd like to name my kids the kinda names they give show dogs - Princess Penelope Mandarin Smythe III
But it will be Poppy for a girl and Finley for a boy. I like Reuben too.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2008-07-25 09:26:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
*Good as zero bootfuck.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2008-07-25 09:26:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Read in the paper today about a girl whose name was 'Tahlula does the Hula in Hawaii'
That's almost as Zero Bootfuck.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-07-25 09:22:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
http://timesonline.typepad.com/alphamummy/2008/07/20-strangest-ba.html
Just you be careful Pheeley.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-07-25 09:20:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://uk.news.yahoo.com/itn/20080725/tuk-calls-for-the-overweight-to-be-refus-dba1618.html
No more kids for me then :(
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2008-07-25 09:20:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
you're a sharp one.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-07-25 09:17:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2008-07-25 14:13:25 BST (#)
Ranking: 0
No, I understand he had a fetish for the stench of puke. Saw your picture, immediately vomited, started choking on the pungent stream and them, with his last vestige of strength, exposed his engorged penis and began furiously tugging away in a race to jizz before succumbing to the darkness.
Apparently he splooged right at the instant of death and his body mysteriously became 28 grams lighter.
-------------------------
Are you being mean??
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2008-07-25 09:17:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
First-year students at Auburn University Vet school were receivingtheir first anatomy class, with a realdead cow. They all gathered around the surgerytable with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class bytelling them, 'In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body. ' As an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in thebutt of the dead cow, withdrew it andstuck it in his mouth. 'Go ahead and dothe same thing,' he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the analopening of the dead cow and suckingon it. When everyone finished, the Professorlooked at them and said, 'The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to payattention. Life's tough, but it's even tougher if you're stupid.'
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2008-07-25 09:13:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No, I understand he had a fetish for the stench of puke. Saw your picture, immediately vomited, started choking on the pungent stream and them, with his last vestige of strength, exposed his engorged penis and began furiously tugging away in a race to jizz before succumbing to the darkness.
Apparently he splooged right at the instant of death and his body mysteriously became 28 grams lighter.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2008-07-25 09:02:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
SHE spells her own full name wrong. Don't worry about it.
;)
Submitted by tmofw (user info) at 2008-07-25 08:56:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-07-25 08:52:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by tmofw (user info) at 2008-07-25 13:50:58 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
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Do NOT use familiar pet names with me, tmofw.
It is Ms Orphelia to you.
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And I only opted for Orph because I'd have spelled your full name wrong :o(
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-07-25 08:55:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
LOVE YOU ORPHELIA!
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-07-25 08:55:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2008-07-25 13:46:35 BST (#)
Ranking: 0
at least he died wanking.
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I am gonna take it over my picture.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-07-25 08:52:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by tmofw (user info) at 2008-07-25 13:50:58 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
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Do NOT use familiar pet names with me, tmofw.
It is Ms Orphelia to you.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-07-25 08:52:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I didn't lurk at all. I found uber, read a few things and signed up straight away. That's why I didn't have a fucking clue what was going on at first, and still don't really.
Submitted by tmofw (user info) at 2008-07-25 08:50:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-07-25 08:46:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I find it really odd that a new user would even know he is , let alone care!
----------------
A new user?
Orph, calm the fuck down. No I am not happy he is dead. Did I even suggest that I would be?
I don't think it's very funny joking about the matter and if the poor young man is dead, well... I'd like to know so as not to insult his memory like some I could mention.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-07-25 08:50:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I 'felt' like I 'knew' half of Uber just from 'lurking' el.
look at all my ''.
I am so lame. And have a vomit inducing visage.
'Apparently'.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-07-25 08:47:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2008-07-25 13:45:57 BST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by tmofw (user info) at 2008-07-25 08:43:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Typical Uber, can't get a straight answer.
--
Dead. Choked on his own vomit after seeing orphelia's picture.
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You can't put me off. Your insults I will treat as little signs of blossoming love.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-07-25 08:46:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I find it really odd that a new user would even know he is , let alone care!
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2008-07-25 08:46:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
at least he died wanking.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2008-07-25 08:45:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by tmofw (user info) at 2008-07-25 08:43:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Typical Uber, can't get a straight answer.
--
Dead. Choked on his own vomit after seeing orphelia's picture.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-07-25 08:44:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by tmofw (user info) at 2008-07-25 13:43:55 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
Typical Uber, can't get a straight answer.
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he is dead. happy now?
Submitted by tmofw (user info) at 2008-07-25 08:43:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Typical Uber, can't get a straight answer.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2008-07-25 08:40:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
DOOMED I TELL YOU, DOOMED.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-07-25 08:40:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-07-25 13:37:41 BST (#)
Ranking: 0
Its all a bit...I don't know...meh.
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You are just jealous of my new stalker victim, doris.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2008-07-25 08:40:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
WE'RE ALL DOOMED
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-07-25 08:37:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Its all a bit...I don't know...meh.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-07-25 08:34:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-07-25 08:31:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
sorry that was mean
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-07-25 08:20:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by tmofw (user info) at 2008-07-25 13:13:36 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
So... Is HurtByTheSun Dead or not?
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Why do you care NEWBIE!
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-07-25 08:18:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
As I lay back and lazily close my eyes for a thankfully dreamless sleep, I feel absolutely nothing whatsoever.
And it's fucking wonderful.
Submitted by tmofw (user info) at 2008-07-25 08:13:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So... Is HurtByTheSun Dead or not?