Girlfights and Six Stabbings-Just Another Weekend for Me (936 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.39 on 31 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Tinactin (View user info) at 2008-07-30 21:51:16 EDT
I was at a park the other day when the earthquake hit. A kid was making his way down a slide when the tremors started, causing him to panic. He put his hand down on to try and stabilize himself, lost his balance, and went over the side, landing face first in a pile of sand. God, I fucking love earthquakes.
Saturday night was my cousin Stacey's birthday party and all appeared to be well and good. I had about 16 double shots of patron and dislocated my common sense. There is a certain level of alcohol intake you can tolerate before you reach that level in which you can no longer say for certain that you would know if you had sex with a transvestite, and I had reached that level (By the way, you should be wary of any prostitute who insists you "fuck her in the ass." But if you really want to do it and you need to know for sure, I suggest you check her balls. If they are blue, you have yourself a sexually frustrated male, but if they are pink, she's probably just wearing a pair of loose-fitting lips).I also stepped on two dogs. They deserved it.
But apparently there were a couple of girls present who had issues with one another, because one of them smashed a half-full beer can on the head of the other, sending beer flying everywhere, including the arm of a black guy I was having a conversation with. His arm hair instantly kinked and curled as if it were entered in an 80s dance competition. I was afraid it was going to start growing and curse me to sleep for a thousand years. Rumor has it that he was subsequently admitted to USC medical center with a listed condition of "juicy arm", but I don't put any stock in speculation.
Regardless, girl-with-smashed-beer-can-head went completely insane, ran into the kitchen and grabbed a butcher knife. My aunt Cordelia, thinking on her feet, quickly determined that no animals needed slaughtering and snatched the knife from that crazy bitch's hands. She made the mistake of turning her back on crazy bitch, who pulled my aunt down by her hair with both hands from behind, making my aunt stab the kitchen linoleum (stabbing #1). Cordelia then reached behind her neck and jammed her fingers into crazy bitch's mouth (a blatantly illegal move in most fighting organizations), making her gag long enough to push her off. My aunt then straddled crazy bitch and began to pull out chunks of her scalp like they were cotton candy, sending dandruff into the air like it was the ice sculpture scene in Edward Scissorhands. Had there been anorexic lepers present, they would have feared for their very weights. I could have cut a hole in the kitchen floor under the hair to ensnare mountain lions.
Crazy bitch sort of shirked off after this, and assuming the worst was over, I went back to the party. Meanwhile, in the front yard, my other cousin Martina's ex-boyfriend Argus had gotten into an argument with crazy bitch's boyfriend, and Stacey was accidentally slashed (stabbing #2) across the chest (about a two inch gash right through the nipple) while trying to break it up. Argus stepped up to defend not his special lady, but his ladyfriend, when his assailant used quick knife techniques to slice open his stomach and palm (#3,4). I walked out into the front yard just in time to see him take a knife shot straight down to the side of his neck (#5). Argus pulled the knife out himself and let it fall to the floor before punching the shit out of knife guy, which I thought was pretty badass, considering the fact that he was bleeding heavily from three orifices. Later it was discovered that the blade had entered his neck less than a millimeter away from his carotid artery and removing it in that instance would have surely meant death. But live and learn, yes?
Crazy bitch and her boyfriend then quickly fled the scene. I called 911 as Argus paced the street, shaking his bloody fist at the sky and yelling Martina's name. I brought her outside as the cops arrived. Argus pleaded with her to agree to marry him before he died, or he wouldn't go in the ambulance.
Immediately the police drew on me and I had to stumble down into the grass while an officer searched me. My face was closer than I would have liked to my cousin's exposed breasts as medical personnel attended to her wound. After a few minutes the officer let me up and warily questioned me. After some chicks testified that I was not involved in the incident, the officer was forced to let me go, albeit under a cloud of some bitches.
Stacey and Argus were airlifted to a hospital and neither of their injuries turned out to be life-threatening, leaving me free to post about it. Unfortunately Argus failed to win back his girlfriend, as my friend Tony stabbed her the very next night.(#6)
User Reviews
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2008-08-28 09:55:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Auto Tinactin pact plus2
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2008-08-22 10:36:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Man... was this 100% true? That's crazy!
I love "dislocated my common sense" and the Sleeping Beauty referenced African arm hair.
Submitted by kgbpasha (user info) at 2008-08-01 15:22:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good stuff here.
Submitted by ICO (user info) at 2008-08-01 09:21:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-08-01 08:44:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2008-07-31 14:32:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2008-07-31 08:26:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
From now on, anyone who pisses me off will be sent back in time to this party.
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2008-07-31 23:13:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Crazy Mexicans.
I love the way you write.
POST MORE OFTEN!
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2008-07-31 16:48:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Whatever happens outside the lettuce fields, stays outside the lettuce fields.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2008-07-31 15:37:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2008-07-31 14:32:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2008-07-31 08:26:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
From now on, anyone who pisses me off will be sent back in time to this party.
---------------------
Seriously what ethnicity are you?
I need to take a point from their team.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2008-07-31 14:32:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2008-07-31 08:26:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
From now on, anyone who pisses me off will be sent back in time to this party.
Submitted by Replen (user info) at 2008-07-31 13:50:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
First paragraph made me laugh out loud.
Submitted by tatersninja (user info) at 2008-07-31 11:17:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
That picture IS FUCKING NASTY.
I'm not reading .
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-07-31 10:52:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-07-31 10:17:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Auto +2,000,000 Patron
Auto +2,000,000 knife fights
Auto -3,999,998 forgetting NSFW
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-07-31 10:12:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The picture ruined it for me.
You know, if your family is ever pressed for cash, you could all sign up for a case study. I hear psychiatrists get fat grants for the opportunity to observe all kinds of aberrant behavior.
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2008-07-31 09:39:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
About midway through it was like I had a sports announcer in my head reading the play by play blows in the fight.
"And Cordelia comes around and ...YES...IT'S a throat block. Crazy bitch is on the floor and....
HAIR!... Yes it's a veritable wonderland of hair being pulled out by Cordelia. LOOK AT THAT STUFF FLY!
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2008-07-31 08:26:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
From now on, anyone who pisses me off will be sent back in time to this party.
Submitted by Judgement (user info) at 2008-07-31 06:34:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by PayMeLater (user info) at 2008-07-31 04:36:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I respect a slyly positioned Lebowski reference.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2008-07-31 03:56:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ye-eah
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2008-07-31 03:55:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
THE HELL -- ??
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2008-07-31 03:54:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
your family is fucked.
Submitted by snagglepuss (user info) at 2008-07-31 03:44:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Great Mexican Achievements: slicing each other up by playing Zorro, and poisoning Gringo's by exporting Salmonella........
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2008-07-31 02:56:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
what the hell...?
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2008-07-31 02:41:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-07-30 23:57:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
LA IN THE HOUSE
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2008-07-30 22:47:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Seriously, could you be more of a Mexican? I'm surprised it wasn't over which salsa is better, chunky or picante.
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2008-07-30 22:18:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
not to mention monica seles
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2008-07-30 22:18:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this party would be paul pierce's biggest nightmare
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2008-07-30 22:17:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahaha
only in mexico
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2008-07-30 22:12:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It's my family, but yeah.
By the way, fuck you.
Submitted by Fungah (user info) at 2008-07-30 22:09:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
......... your friends are fucked.