Three Stories (with a theme) (481 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.46 on 20 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Replen (View user info) at 2008-07-31 17:28:32 EDT
I went to Magaluf two years ago on a lad's holiday. On the second night I managed to pull a Swiss girl with a seriously bad case of eczema. She was a 5 foot rash - but I was determined to collect the kudos by being the first one of us to fuck a girl on the holiday, plus 'what happens in Magaluf... makes for a funny pub story for years to come'.
I was sharing my room with two other blokes and I had pulled my mattress into the hallway of the room to be under the air conditioning vent as it was mentally hot. Despite the fact that when we got back to my room the other two were asleep she was still up for shagging.
Wary that my mates might wake up in the middle of me doing her I decided that I needed to put in a good show for reputations sake. As she was going into the toilet to do whatever I said I was quickly nipping out for a condom.
I ran up to the top floor of the hotel into the lobby bit were the lifts were and quickly knocked one out against the door to the fire exit. When I got back into my room she was naked in my bed - which was surprising as I'd been quite a while.
I smoked a cigarette, fucked her and then fell asleep. In the morning she was gone. My mates had apparently been awake the entire time and on the way to breakfast whilst they were taking the piss out of me for shagging a munter and being so quick about it a security guard came from nowhere and smacked me in the face and told me that he had seen deposit my gentleman's relish the night before and not to do it again unless I wanted to get stun-gunned and thrown out the hotel.
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The next year I went to Lanzarote with the same group of lads. After a night of too much lager, Jaiger Bombs and unsuccessful pulling attempts we headed back to the hotel and went to bed.
Unable to sleep I went out on to the balcony and climbed over the fence to the adjacent balcony to where some of the other boys on the holiday were staying to wake them up and piss them off as I had nothing better to do.
One of my mates Steve, who was totally fucked had fallen asleep and was kind of sucking the balcony window with his mouth open. In my drunken wisdom I thought it would be funny to wank off onto the window where his mouth was and take a picture.
I started the procedure however I had brewers droop so I needed to put some effort into it. I closed my eyes and pumped furiously. After a while I was getting nowhere and I opened my eyes to see that Steve and 5 other of my mates were watching...
This incident is a regular staple of conversations when we go out til this day.
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This June we decided not to go to the Glastonbury festival because it looked proper shit, but agreed that we should all go out and try and spend the ticket price on alcohol in one day and see where it led us. It led us to a club in Westerham where I danced with some 40 year old women all night, bought her drinks and got nothing apart from a kiss and a semi decent feel.
I remember leaving the club, smelling the fresh air and then it's blank for a while. The next vague recollection is being in my bed, thinking about the 40 year old and wanking off and cumming like a good'un.
In the morning I woke up in a bedroom that I had never seen before. I carefully opened the door and started to look for a toilet to throw up in. My friend Neil appeared and told me that I had passed out shortly after leaving the club and he had put me in his sister's room who was away at university until the day after.
I haven't told him that I spunked on his sisters mattress. I'm saving that for the next time he mentions my balcony wank.
User Reviews
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-09-09 00:29:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Replen (user info) at 2008-08-15 01:37:47 PDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sounds familiar. Especially the dreaded bank balance check the next morning. I think my worst was £350 ($650) and I was left with a fanny batter stain on my work suit. I had to spray it with half a can of deoderant to mask the smell at work the next day as I had nothing else to wear.
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I just read that, and this post, and, ugh...
Fanny batter...
Actually I didn't read the post.
Fanny batter!?
Submitted by CisSlayer (user info) at 2008-08-02 17:02:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
The window part cracked me up man, open your eyes and have everyone looking Mwahaha...great stuff
Submitted by kgbpasha (user info) at 2008-08-01 15:09:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-08-01 11:30:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2008-08-01 10:02:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wanker.
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2008-08-01 09:02:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
ok, so far I got that you've traveled to Spain and jerked off often.
I need to get a copy of "Websters insanely British slang to some sort of readable english dictonary" then I might be able to rate higher.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2008-08-01 09:01:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I started the procedure however I had brewers droop so I needed to put some effort into it. I closed my eyes and pumped furiously. After a while I was getting nowhere and I opened my eyes to see that Steve and 5 other of my mates were watching...
This incident is a regular staple of conversations when we go out til this day.
---
So you must have said "no, I'm not a pervert or gay, I was just going to cum in Steve's mouth - no not in a gay way - in a manly AHA eat my seed way"
You are thoroughly weird
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-08-01 08:49:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I remember watching Raging Bull and being glad that I am not Jake Lamotta. I have now read this and am glad that I am not you.
Submitted by ICO (user info) at 2008-08-01 08:39:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
The second story seems just a cover up for not-so-latent homosexual tendencies. Just sayin'.
+1 pity vote
Submitted by woolfe (user info) at 2008-08-01 04:15:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
awesome - you sound like a really great guy.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-08-01 04:08:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The first story is amazingly similar to what happened to me in Falaraki. Although she made her mates sleep out in the hallway and fell asleep before I finished. I had to run back to my hotel so I didnt miss The England V Nigeria match, which was incidentally nil nil.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2008-07-31 18:25:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
aahahahahahaha
Submitted by BobSandwich (user info) at 2008-07-31 18:13:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for "swamp donkey"
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2008-07-31 17:38:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Thank you redskies. I had a rough idea - seeing it in context...but that's a good description.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2008-07-31 17:37:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
just not in the hair please.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2008-07-31 17:37:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i'd travel with you.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2008-07-31 17:35:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Munter = swamp donkey
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2008-07-31 17:32:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've never heard the word 'munter' before.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2008-07-31 17:32:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome
Submitted by Perineum (user info) at 2008-07-31 17:31:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
This wasn't good.