My Trip to Cambodia (1208 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.92 on 46 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by TooMuchMan (View user info) at 2008-08-01 20:43:01 EDT
Some of you may not believe this because I have written in the past about my huge shitting capacity, as well as about the time that I pissed myself, but I swear to you that all of what you find below is true.
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MY TRIP TO CAMBODIA
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My job allows me to travel internationally with some frequency. The benefit: international travel is great because it's fun to see other places and learn about your fellow man. The curse: the international travel that I do is invariably to third-world countries. Oh, it's not the poverty or the brown skin that bothers me. In fact, third-world countries are great because they often have fascinating local histories and cool ruins, they often don't have too many tourists, and the US dollar still makes you royalty. What I hate about third-world countries is the bacteria. The microbes that hate American intestinal tracts, the terrorist viruses that launch massive assaults on my democratic stomach and my freedom bowels. It seems that everywhere I go, I can bank on at least 1 out of 10 days in the throes of violent stomach-cleaning shits. Oaxaca, Maputo, Sierra Leone, Banda Aceh, it's always the same. I have a standing prescription for Immodium and Cipro at the health plan, and they are used up at a stunning pace.
My latest trip was to Cambodia. The thing about Cambodia is, it sucks. (Aside from Siem Reap, of course, which is cool.) It's dirty and poor and the local non-tourist food is oily and gross, relying too heavily on weird local tubers and muddy river fish. Outside of Siem Reap or Phnom Penh, you're going to be eating where the locals eat, and it's going to be rather filthy, having sat out at room temperature for awhile. Even if you could get a nice steak or chop, you wouldn't want to eat it, because if you've been to a market you know that they just sit out in the hot humid air covered in flies next to a basket full of fried crickets or some shit until someone buys it, wraps it in plastic, puts it in the fridge, and sells it to your hotel as "fresh".
While on project I ate all sorts of sketchy meals. Its impossible to tell which one made me sick. But after about 4 days hunched over my computer in the middle of nowhere, my stomach was rumbling and gurgling. Then I had to get into a truck for a bumpy 12 hour ride over muddy ruts back to Phnom Penh where I was to meet with my boss and the NGO honchos. By the time I flopped down on my bed in my (thankfully airconditioned) hotel room, I knew I was in trouble. So I took an Immodium and went to sleep and woke up the next morning feeling pretty OK.
My meeting was at 9 AM. I was up at 7, had a good democratic American breakfast with eggs and toast and coffee, and took a nice long dump. (The fact that I could take a big dump within 12 hours of having an Immodium should have clued me into something being wrong, but I missed it at the time.) Then it was off to my meeting. It was held in one of the hotel's meeting rooms, and I was supposed to stand and talk. Maybe two minutes into my presentation I felt the urge to fart. You know, a nice little beefer, the kind that makes a single muffled "pop" when it comes out and then you're on your way. I'm pretty good at pulling those off. So I relaxed, shifted my weight, and let it out as I changed slides.
Problem. No "pop." Yet still warmth.
Hmm. Going through my head were all sorts of possibilities (as I droned on about database compatibility). Sometimes this happens, your beefer is just an SBD and you didn't anticipate it. But something about this didn't feel right. That fart just didn't feel normal, there was too much of a tactile sensation. And it was too warm back there, and there was a sort of greasy feel to it. It slowly dawned on me that every person's worst fear JUST MIGHT have come true. Had I sharted? Or even worse?
Thank god I didn't have too much presenting to do. After another two minutes I was done and I immediately excused myself for the john. By then there was a very distinct squishy feeling in my drawers, so I hustled. Upon reaching the loo, I whipped down my pants for an inspection. And what I found was not good.
I had shit myself.
I don't mean like I had sharted. I had shit myself. A big fat puddle of diarrhea was sitting in my boxers and had left a telltale slick on my left hamstring. It smelt horrendous, like Death Himself had ejected a half-digested skunk fetus burrito. Revolted, I assessed the situation. This being Cambodia, and despite the "quality" of the hotel, there was no toilet paper. But there was a hose. There was also a trash can. So thinking quickly, I decided that I would get totally naked, hose myself off, drip dry, then soak my boxers, leave them in the trash can, and go Commando until I could get back to my room. This I did, and it worked surprisingly well. Upon returning to my meeting I just gave a sheepish grin (I had been gone for 20 minutes) and then sat gingerly down. I rode out the next hour with no one the wiser.
The thing is, I felt fine by this time. I mean, all dirty and all, but my STOMACH felt all better. I felt empty. Still, I know how these things work. I excused myself as soon as I could and headed back to my room for a shower and a lie-down. As I lay there, though, I gradually began to feel worse and worse, achy and feverish. I popped an Immodium and some Cipro and spent the next 10 hours feeling like ass and running to the bathroom every hour. Around 9 PM I had a soda to get some sugar in my body, but that went right through. I fell into a fitful sleep shortly thereafter, finally dropping off for good around 3 AM.
When I awoke around 7:30, I immediately knew two things. First, I felt a lot better, like a fever had broken. But second, something was wrong. Ambling gingerly to the bathroom, I sat down and made another discovery.
I had shit myself again. IN MY SLEEP.
That's right, about a half-cup of watery shit was sitting in my boxers. It seems that my bowels had taken matters into their own hands while I was asleep. This discovery frightened me. Shitting yourself while awake and trying to squeeze out a little beefer is bad, but shitting yourself involuntarily is really really bad. So I took another Cipro and a third dose of Immodium and considered calling in my international travel insurance for an emergency medevac to Bangkok. As it turns out, though, I felt a lot better by noon that day, and by dinner time I was able to have a piece of bread, a glass of ice lemon tea, and some Mentos. Two days later I returned back to the US. Three days after that I was able shit again (three doses of Immodium will stop you up something fierce). One week hence brings us to today, when I am finally able to confront the shame of what has happened to me.
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POSTSCRIPT
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What they don't tell you about shitting yourself is that it changes you forever. Regular people fart and let that be that. PWHSTs (People Who Have Shit Themselves) can never be certain that a fart is just a fart. Like other PWHSTs, I find myself repeatedly heading to the bathroom after every fart to make sure that there isn't a big pile of shit in my drawers. Forget about eating beans or spicy foods. Forget about wearing light-colored slacks to work. PWHSTs live in a world different than the rest of you do. And it is this world that I have joined thanks to my trip to Cambodia.
User Reviews
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2008-08-26 03:07:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That shit ain't normal.
Get a colonoscopy; they're really quite fun.
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2008-08-05 21:57:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was brilliant
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-08-05 15:39:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
having not shat myself before I can't really sympathize but I can point and laugh.
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2008-08-05 10:44:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great story, I feel for you man, I'm indeed a PWHST.
Once I sharted in the shower, (http://www.ubersite.com/m/90382) it was quite appeasing looking back at it.
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2008-08-05 09:03:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-08-04 12:03:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2008-08-04 11:56:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ugh.
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-08-04 11:55:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Stories in which the main character/narrator/anyone shits themselves make me horrifically uncomfortable, and unable to stop clenching the butt cheeks.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2008-08-04 08:35:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha ha.
Submitted by Dimenhydrinate (user info) at 2008-08-04 03:18:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Hehehehehe. Can't say I can recall ever having straight up shit my pants, sharted a couple times no doubt. What I hate is having to trim my corn hole after getting my shitway clogged up with shitty, stinky, sticky hair.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-08-03 17:42:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
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Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-08-02 23:50:44 BST (#)
Ranking: 1
An entertaining read, but nonetheless it's a "looky I shit on myself" story which, let's face it - is really only interesting because it reminds the reader that they haven't shit on themselves. Recently, anyway. Or at least it reminds them that they're not the only ones to have ever shit on themselves. Yours gets a +1 because it's a "looky I shit on myself" story in an less-than-usual location and it apparently wasn't caused by your purposefully ingesting substances that could be reasonably expected to cause you to shit on yourself.
I suspect this will be quite well received at www.poopreport.com should you decide to wipe it on the wall there.
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2008-08-03 17:17:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you should probably stop shitting your pants..it's not very becoming
Submitted by TooMuchMan (user info) at 2008-08-03 15:17:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by adamleathertramp (user info) at 2008-08-02 19:53:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
do you trade commodities?
__________________________
Ha, I wish. People who do that don't have to stay in hotels with no toilet paper in the bathroom. Besides, the only commodities that Cambodia has are landmines and bacteria.
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2008-08-03 05:33:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I just got back from 3.5 weeks in Thailand and Malaysia yesterday and was sick 3/4 of the time, one week spent feverish and gross in that time. So I know what you're getting at OP. And I even like some of the local foods, but my white western stomach didnt.
Excellent post.
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2008-08-03 02:32:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was fantastic. I contracted the norwalk virus for a week back in March. Unpleasant gastrointestinal erm...issues...are SO UNPLEASANT. And humbling. So very humbling.
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2008-08-03 02:16:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Post and poster.
Submitted by tatersninja (user info) at 2008-08-02 20:50:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by 8track (user info) at 2008-08-02 20:11:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-08-02 08:00:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It probably WAS yesterday, 8Track, you moron.
________________
That is the first funny review from this dickhead ever. Well done!
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Are you serious?
Submitted by 8track (user info) at 2008-08-02 20:11:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-08-02 08:00:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It probably WAS yesterday, 8Track, you moron.
________________
That is the first funny review from this dickhead ever. Well done!
Submitted by adamleathertramp (user info) at 2008-08-02 19:53:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
do you trade commodities?
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-08-02 18:50:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
An entertaining read, but nonetheless it's a "looky I shit on myself" story which, let's face it - is really only interesting because it reminds the reader that they haven't shit on themselves. Recently, anyway. Or at least it reminds them that they're not the only ones to have ever shit on themselves. Yours gets a +1 because it's a "looky I shit on myself" story in an less-than-usual location and it apparently wasn't caused by your purposefully ingesting substances that could be reasonably expected to cause you to shit on yourself.
I suspect this will be quite well received at www.poopreport.com should you decide to wipe it on the wall there.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-08-02 15:07:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Super
Submitted by kgbpasha (user info) at 2008-08-02 15:06:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2008-08-02 12:29:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2008-08-02 00:17:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes, but have you ever shit in a swimming pool
***********
Now he will never get in a pool again.
Submitted by BobSandwich (user info) at 2008-08-02 10:04:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ShitPostFriday??
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2008-08-02 09:30:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2008-08-02 09:16:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
cambodia sure does suck. thailand is waaaaayyyyyb etter. indonesia sucks most of all.
Submitted by Poots (user info) at 2008-08-02 09:01:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
beefer/PWHSTs...(HAHAHAHAHAHA)
*catches breath*
(HAHAHAHAHAH)
*bends over and says woo alot holding his sides*
http://fn.typepad.com/fins_nation/images/2007/12/12/turd_ferguson.jpg
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-08-02 08:00:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It probably WAS yesterday, 8Track, you moron.
Submitted by 8track (user info) at 2008-08-02 07:03:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
When I was a kid I shit myself. It was the dead of night and I was scared of the dark. I inched along my wall towards the toilet, petrified of the unknown terrors that awaited me. I was wearing black undies, brief type ones. I was walking along the wall for ten minutes, moving a centimetre every 30 seconds. Finally the combination of a bowel load and terror led to me dropping a huge load in my pants. I can remember it like it was yesterday, even though it was 20 years ago. I patted my pants and was surprised at the firmness of the doody.
Submitted by Judgement (user info) at 2008-08-02 06:46:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2008-08-02 04:35:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Regular people fart and let that be that. PWHSTs (People Who Have Shit Themselves) can never be certain that a fart is just a fart.
__________
Over the years though you get bolder and bolder until you remember what it was like to have a massive fart brewing and just let it fly. the day you push the boundaries too far though you have an automatic relapse to TTYSY (That Time You Shat Yourself) and you'll need visual confirmation that you didn't crap yourself
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2008-08-02 02:45:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
back in the day, i'm fairly certain that's why OD underwear was issued to us when we were rocking and rolling over there
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-08-02 02:17:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ha
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-08-02 01:46:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ps: hi, rob!
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-08-02 01:42:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
dear lord
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-08-02 01:23:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Craptacular.
Submitted by tatersninja (user info) at 2008-08-02 00:25:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2008-08-02 00:17:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes, but have you ever shit in a swimming pool?
Submitted by SilentRenegade (user info) at 2008-08-01 22:50:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hilarious
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-08-01 22:48:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dear lord!
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2008-08-01 22:42:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great.
Submitted by snagglepuss (user info) at 2008-08-01 22:28:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
...It doesn't bother me that I was eating while I read this...what irks me is that I almost had to do a self-inflicted Heimlich maneuver to recover from laugh-choking.........nothing like a good shit story.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-08-01 21:42:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well written and disgusting. Incontestable +2.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-08-01 21:40:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-08-01 21:09:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2008-08-01 21:07:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pretty shitty