Scumbag Asshole (685 hits)
Category: NoneRating: -0.32 on 34 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Perineum (View user info) at 2008-08-05 08:44:11 EDT
It started off relatively low key in my opinion. See, I was a kid and my parents got me a cat and little to my five year old knowledge did I know that you can actually pet a cat to death with a hammer. As I was petting the cat, now motionless, my mom came over and consoled me telling me "it's okay, it's really okay." I don't know if she was telling me that or telling herself that because she has a fuck up for a kid.
Now, as I'm sitting here listening to Sugarcrisp "squeelch squeelch" in my ear I can't imagine anything less satisfying then bashing her teeth out with a canoe oar. What a boring, trite, insignificant amount of anything useful she has to offer. Nonetheless, I smile while throwing out a few "that's really interesting," "WOW! Great news," and "good for you, honey" type comments her way. Deep down I'm dreaming about throat-fucking her so hard that I tear the corners of her mouth apart. This is, really, truly, what I want to do.
And a half-hour, a boring talk, and a grapefruit later you will find me traipsing through the streets, hand in hand with this louse of a woman. I say louse only because my wishes were not granted. She made me eat the grapefruit because I "need to watch what I eat" and I feel like finding the nearest toilet and pretending like a rain gutter broke out of heavy stress right into the toilet bowl. It's coming, and I know about what type it'll be by experience alone. My guttural emissions are tell-tale 30 minutes prior to any bowel movement as to what kind it'll be.
It will disastrous. I will have to lift the lid and clean underneath it because the force of my abdominal poltergeist will be so powerful that it will turn into waterfall mist upon the sheer expulsion from my anus. We went to a Chinese restaurant and that is exactly what I did. Lucky for me I didn't have to clean it. More "squeelching" was emitted from Sugarcrisp while I smiled and nodded.
I came up with a brilliant idea while simultaneously imagining myself dropping an anvil on Sugarcrisp's forehead. Aside from the idea of me wearing her vagina like a Speedo I thought that I'd steal her car tonight. Her father, a well-to-do business man, gave her a brand new car last year and I owe Fat Mark some money for my dope habit. That and I said he could fuck my bird for a few quid. I took the money and then thought better of letting a nigger fuck my girl. Now I'll have to pay him back and get some more dope.
I'll just tell the cops some black man stole the car, call her sounding concerned, file a police report, and let the insurance handle the rest. I figured Fat Mark would pay at least $1000 for the car but how I manage to get it is another thing. On the way home from lunch I start messing with the throttle on my car and tell Sugarcrip that I'm just going to have to call off work tonight, no matter how much I need the money. Like clockwork she offers to cancel her plans and let me use her car.
As planned I take her car into the city where I get a massage from Asians, offer the extra thirty quid for the handy and leave feeling very guilty about my decision. I think of Sugarcrisp and how her intentions are pure, that of a saint suddenly realizing that my plan for tonight was fucked. Really, I'd get the grand, pay him his $600, buy $100 worth of dope and blow the other grand on some hooker who is probably much less attractive than Sugarcrisp. It's now when it hits me. I don't even remember Sugarcrisp's real name half of the time. Melanie, or Lisa, or who knows?
I put the car in drive, the ride over stricken with guilt, and somehow I'm on autopilot. She's a really good woman. Truly she doesn't deserve whatever plan I'm concocting with Fat Mark. She cooks, cleans, takes care of me, does the laundry, keeps me sane, loves me unconditionally, and for what? To have her car stolen? As I'm driving the guilt lulls me into the other lane and I see the bright lights of a tractor trailer heading straight for me. I try desperately to swerve out of the way but before I know it I hear the inevitable CRASH...
Somehow I managed to call Sugarcrisp in my sleep and I hear the "squeelch" awesomely mimicking a crash. I hang up on her and pull out of the median where I took my nap. Fat Mark hates when I'm late.
User Reviews
Submitted by Titan_lad (user info) at 2008-08-08 08:29:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Obvious alcoholic loser below.
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2008-08-05 23:47:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Fuck you.
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2008-08-05 20:14:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2008-08-05 19:17:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
"Really, I'd get the grand, pay him his $600, buy $100 worth of dope and blow the other grand on some hooker who is probably much less attractive than Sugarcrisp."
What kind of arithmetic is that? $1,000 - $600 - $100 = $300. Where did "the other grand" come from?
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2008-08-05 18:09:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you write the bestest things in the history of ever.
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2008-08-05 16:11:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Didn't like the way the paragraphs were stacked up, so.....
I didn't read one word.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2008-08-05 16:07:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Brilliant
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-08-05 16:06:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2008-08-05 20:00:59 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
I didnt read this. It's probably not very good. But +2 donkey trapped in well
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ahahahahaha, he didn't?
he did!!
Submitted by Perineum (user info) at 2008-08-05 15:26:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2008-08-05 15:00:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I didnt read this. It's probably not very good. But +2 donkey trapped in well
-----
Ass + hole = asshole
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2008-08-05 15:00:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I didnt read this. It's probably not very good. But +2 donkey trapped in well
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2008-08-05 12:00:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You have anal herpes.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-08-05 11:49:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2008-08-05 16:31:58 BST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Cyrus (user info) at 2008-08-05 10:03:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Have you gotten the donkey to put on the lotion yet?
____________________________________________________
hahahaha
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-08-05 11:46:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2008-08-05 11:45:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2008-08-05 11:31:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Cyrus (user info) at 2008-08-05 10:03:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Have you gotten the donkey to put on the lotion yet?
____________________________________________________
hahahaha
Submitted by BobSandwich (user info) at 2008-08-05 11:30:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good read.
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-08-05 10:16:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I feel better.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2008-08-05 10:11:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Take heart. The writing's almost as bad as Sico's was. You have the ignorance of basic sentence structure; the flagrant ego; the latently homosexual atmosphere; the culdesac plot; the futile attempt to hide shit writing behind a wash of irrelevant details and pointless exposition. Throw in a mess of artsy, syllable-laden quasi-words like "electrocutively" or "eloquenticifully" and the kid could well be a Sico-substitute.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-08-05 10:06:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-08-05 10:05:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Cyrus (user info) at 2008-08-05 10:03:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Have you gotten the donkey to put on the lotion yet?
------------------------------------------------
C'mon Oathy - that's fucking hilarious.
Submitted by GangsterSquid (user info) at 2008-08-05 10:04:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
lol!
sorry cyrus!!
/facepalm
Submitted by GangsterSquid (user info) at 2008-08-05 10:04:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Fatass pussy troll slowly loosing his grip on reality, below.
Submitted by Cyrus (user info) at 2008-08-05 10:03:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Have you gotten the donkey to put on the lotion yet?
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-08-05 10:02:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Perineum (user info) at 2008-08-05 09:50:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
What the fuck is a sico?
----
hahaha...
how's lauren, big guy?
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-08-05 10:01:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Sicosemen, N00b.
Submitted by GangsterSquid (user info) at 2008-08-05 09:58:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Didn't read it
Submitted by Perineum (user info) at 2008-08-05 09:50:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
What the fuck is a sico?
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2008-08-05 09:20:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I love the story of the Donkey in the Well
you may have done better to post that though...
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-08-05 09:19:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I was hoping you were Sico. Sico you are not.
Submitted by Gay (user info) at 2008-08-05 09:16:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You are a jester :)
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2008-08-05 09:00:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I hate it. But you're just playing. If I found out you're not, I'll come back and minus two your ass to hell and back.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-08-05 08:51:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This possibly isnt as bad as the ratings suggest but I wouldnt know as I didnt read it
Submitted by Darth_Famine (user info) at 2008-08-05 08:48:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2008-08-05 08:44:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You rang?!?