Shit Your Ass, Watch Yourself (1095 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.76 on 39 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by DonkeyOnThe Edge (View user info) at 2008-08-11 21:15:05 EDT
Hailing from the aisle of Italy, my wife's family has always been purveyors of spicy food. Every other Sunday her grandmother creates a meal designed to wreck my shit, but I have learned to prepare myself. Do I have my wallet? Check. Are my keys in my hand? Check. Where is my packet of extra-strength Rolaids? Right in my pocket. Is my roll of two-ply toilet paper from private stock underneath the pasenger seat of my sweet ride? Yes, yes it is.
Last night nanna got a little bit out of hand with her peppers and canolis, and I was forced to take a few more dumps at her house than I would have liked. But what is a grandmother for if not lots and lots of cans of lysol? When I felt it was safe, and the heat wasn't coming around the corner, we said goodnight and I started to drive home.
My colon I have always considered simply the best, but last night it finally let me down. Halfway between bum and fuck , my asshole rejected me totally. I began to honk and swerve behind the eihgty-six year old faggot who was gumming his steering wheel in front of us, but he was too busy pointing out the animals he was going to shoot in the future to notice. The goal for the evening at this point was to make it home without making my wife sick, but she was in the middle of a conversation about Project Runway and all I could think about was shitting on Hiedi Klum. So she was asked to please remain silent. I insulated my thoughts within a mental Hot pockets crisper, hoping to remain warm in mental strength long enough to get to my home toilet.
But it was not going to happen, I knew. The season was over and I was just playing out a pearl necklace. I had to get to a stop and quickly. And then God sent me a sign. It said, "Slow, construction ahead." They were building a house in fucking Scranton? I am the last new person in this town in seventy-eight years. The cast of the Office wont even live here. Who the hell needs a new house? I hope none of you bitches think you're moving in.
Whatever. I'll take a lucky break over racing stripes in my jeans any day of the week. I ran past all the erect penises walking around in their red hats, and a cumstached nazi faggot tells me Im in the no head zone.
"You are doing wiring. If electricity starts falling, I will just duck."
And if you think about touching me with your sweaty dome condom, you're going to get a face full of awesome.
"We can talk about this in a minute. I've got a duty to something much bigger than you."
I gave him an extra two inches of shoulder as I plowed through to the port-o-john and watched his mood stache change from "hammering" to "disapointed". I walked over and opened the door to a horrible sight. Fucking shit and pubes hanging around all over the place. Someone once told me that a homo is just someone who doesn't know the difference between pubic hair and missletoe, so don't be suprised if those construction workers held a nightly Christmas party in public toilets. Of course the paper was substandard single ply, but I had my backup roll of pure, orgasmic softness.
While I was dropping my weight and wiping up, I heard mustache man pounding on the door and demanding that I get out immediately. I scooped up their two worthless rolls of crap paper and dropped them in the sewage. It looked like an albino with large balls, sinking into quicksand.
Out of the stall I emerged with my roll in hand, like Rocky at the top of the stairs. I took a glance at the construction worker before holding the end strand and letting the rest of the roll fall to the floor.
"You should have rolled out the white carpet, faggot"
Then I kicked the paper forward and it rolled out in front of me. I walked down the white isle back to my car. My feet have never felt more comfortable.
User Reviews
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2008-08-19 09:35:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You know what I always loved about Uber before I left?
... Tinactin.
-P
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2008-08-19 09:12:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This reminded me of that Bobby's World episode where he sang "Stranded on a Toilet Bowl."
I tried to youtube it for you. I couldn't find it, but this one is just as hilarious.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6FXzw72QO7I
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2008-08-12 20:01:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love you. And in a completely homosexual way.
For real. I'd catch.
Submitted by myshit (user info) at 2008-08-12 17:39:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2008-08-12 17:30:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Believe it, Jeanneeeee. User info.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2008-08-12 16:15:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
3000 miles away? Oh man, I am SO moving in on your wife!
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2008-08-12 16:15:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You don't think I do what?
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2008-08-12 16:06:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2008-08-12 08:54:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2008-08-12 08:13:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed out loud several times.
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Of course you did. Otherwise, it's in the Dutch oven you go.
__________________________________________________________________
It'd be pretty hard to pull off a Dutch oven from 3,000 miles away.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2008-08-12 16:04:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ahhh hahahaha! Most heated. I win.
Submitted by Replen (user info) at 2008-08-12 14:01:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This could have been better. But poo stories are always good. And it was better than mine so +2.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2008-08-12 13:45:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Somehow I don't think you do, Jeeeaanneeeeneee.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2008-08-12 13:41:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Believe it.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2008-08-12 13:26:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I can't believe that nobody got this joke. Any mistakes were intentional, including the aisle/isle thing and the fact that Italy isn't an isle.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2008-08-12 12:02:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"Aisle of Italy"? Really?
This was weird. Normally I like poop stories but this was meh.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2008-08-12 10:31:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The division drew a brutal schedule this year. I'm not expecting much from anyone this year.
At least I got college football season tickets.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-08-12 10:10:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2008-08-12 09:52:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Since you've returned to posting glory, I'm too intimidated to attempt to write anything.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2008-08-12 09:01:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2008-08-12 08:54:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2008-08-12 08:13:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed out loud several times.
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Of course you did. Otherwise, it's in the Dutch oven you go.
4-12 for us this year.
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I think I found you on Facebook. Check your shit out.
But anyway, I have to be honest and say that I haven't been paying attention to football yet. I resist until the last possible second because I hate cold weather and football season means the happy summer time is all over.
=(
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2008-08-12 08:54:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2008-08-12 08:13:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed out loud several times.
-----
Of course you did. Otherwise, it's in the Dutch oven you go.
4-12 for us this year.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2008-08-12 08:13:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed out loud several times.
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2008-08-12 07:21:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2008-08-11 23:25:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I get it. "Aisle" and "isle" have been switched. Very clever. If there weren't so many other typos you might of convinced me it was intentional.
This was very funny. You're lucky you didn't have to stop a second time.
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Oh, I get it. You mean "might HAVE convinced me". If you weren't such a fucking retard you might have convinced me it was intentional.
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2008-08-12 06:43:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by SensibleShoes (user info) at 2008-08-12 05:30:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I am on the verge of taking a synpathy dump right now
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2008-08-12 03:10:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Scheiße
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2008-08-12 01:22:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Same old subject.
Same old approach.
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2008-08-12 00:53:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
diarrhea cha cha cha
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2008-08-12 00:44:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2008-08-11 23:44:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well played to you both. Sphagnum is a bit slow on the uptake sometimes.
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2008-08-11 23:25:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I get it. "Aisle" and "isle" have been switched. Very clever. If there weren't so many other typos you might of convinced me it was intentional.
This was very funny. You're lucky you didn't have to stop a second time.
Submitted by Zampano (user info) at 2008-08-11 23:12:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"If electricity starts falling, I will just duck."
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2008-08-11 21:58:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2008-08-11 21:51:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha
Submitted by MouthSore (user info) at 2008-08-11 21:48:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You gays are gonna catch something.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2008-08-11 21:41:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha @ Method.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-08-11 21:36:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2008-08-11 21:35:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like french fried taters
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2008-08-11 21:21:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Man, I am awesome.
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2008-08-11 21:21:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2008-08-11 21:16:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're a fucking mong, but I love you anyway
"The aisle of Italy"